| Title | : | The Five Love Languages: Men's Edition: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 1881273105 |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9781881273103 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 208 |
| Publication | : | First published May 1, 2004 |
The Five Love Languages: Men's Edition: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate Reviews
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I know what you're thinking... "Meg, are you, in fact... a MAN???" Nope. My brother-in-law just handed me a copy of his book (the "Men's Edition") a few weeks ago and told me to read it, that it would probably improve my marriage and understanding of my husband. And it did! It's a great book, and Chapman’s a genius. My main issue with it was redundancy. There doesn't need to be a whole book about this theory (much less several), the following paragraph would suffice:
There are five major ways that people prefer to be loved: QUALITY TIME (going on a walk, having a meaningful conversation, enjoying an activity together, etc.), WORDS OF AFFIRMATION (vocally expressing an interest in them and their opinions, asking advice, giving compliments, etc.), RECEIVING GIFTS (bringing home flowers, picking up a little something "just because you were thinking of him/her," homemade presents and cards, etc.), ACTS OF SERVICE (washing the dishes or doing laundry for them, helping them with a project, going grocery shopping so they don't have to, etc.), and PHYSICAL TOUCH (holding hands, giving massages, play fighting, sex... but not JUST sex... everybody loves sex. Well, let me rephrase that, everyone WHO REGULARLY HAS AN ORGASM loves sex... but Chapman didn't say that, it's just my opinion--disregard it as part of this review). So there they are, the five love languages. Figure out which one is your partner's (hint: it'll be the one he or she is always nagging that you "never do"), then go out of your way to show love the way they WANT to be loved, not the way you want to love them.
There it is, in a nutshell. It's an amazing theory that I think is mostly true and will work wonders in relationships. The book itself tends to make its point OVER AND OVER again... but now that you've read my paragraph, you won't need to invest the time!
You're welcome.
I hope Chapman doesn't sue me. -
Geresnė knyga nei "Penkios atsiprašymo kalbos", nes ir čia gan aiškiai, glaustai jos yra išvardintos ir kone viskas aiškiau išdėstyta čia nei pastarojoje knygoje. Tačiau ji visvien atsilieka nuo skaitytos pirmosios "Penkios meilės kalbos." Gal todėl, jog viskas jau žinoma, paliesta... šita gal skirta daugiau vyriškai auditorijai, todel buvo kiek nuobodu skaityti, plius keistai veikė perteklius keistų, humoristinių iliustracijų, kurios užėmė kone pusę knygos...
Vertinu 7/10. -
I am not a reader of self help books, but this book came recommended to me as a text that is helpful in the areas of communication with a lover or a spouse and can have a drastic impact in many areas of my relationships.
While I think that this book says many valuable things, there are also some places that I think that this book is complete nonsense and totally misses the mark.
First, trying to figure out what you best respond to and what your spouse or lover best responds to is definitely an important aspect of any relationship. Furthermore, define what you want and understand what they want is really important, otherwise your efforts are wasted, and your concept of what you think is compatible is just based on some metric that you have devised rather than truth. There is a quiz to figure out what you are. Then you take it, and your spouse or lover takes theirs, and you start trying to figure out what the other person needs.
This book says some awesome things about relationships as well. One is that there is no magic to it, and that there is no fairytale perfect person. Rather, we are able to build our relationship with anyone, and there are things that you can do to keep the relationship and the intimacy strong through communicating in the right way with the other person. Don’t buy them flowers if flowers aren’t important, rather, do deeds, or take walks if they are a quality time person. Makes sense - you just need to figure out what they need.
That said, it misses the mark in many places, and I think the book could have either been more clinical OR a lot shorter and the skills fit on a pamphlet that can be read in a sitting.
First, there is a strange preoccupation with “everything will work out okay” and the strange religious road that the book steers down about halfway through. I was somewhat disillusioned and confused when I got to the chapter that seemed to lay out a scenario where there was a woman who was deeply religious, went to church every week, and her husband ignored her for months, and she hated sex. The solution in this anecdote, totally open ended, started with quoting Jesus and somehow Jesus wanting her to please her husband even if she hated him and hated sex, and that if her intentions were good it would all work out. Frankly, I got to the end of that chapter and wasn’t even sure what it was telling me. Jesus, church, and other religious things come up a lot, and for someone who is not religious and even can’t see the connection (and even if I was, would find difficulty in including religion if I was having relationship problems since I see it as unrelated), I found the constant referencing distracting.
I also felt like the book was talking down to me - in a manner like, ‘well, guys don’t read, so we need to snatch up the dumb apes’ attention with this. I read voraciously, and know myself, and felt dumb reading it if only for those reasons. I found non-technical, basic, and simplistic approached and suggestions in this ‘men’s edition.’ Furthermore, many contradictions. In one place the author is talking about men’s biological need to have sex, and two paragraphs later that they may be mistaken for needing ‘quality time.’ I often found myself scratching my head that this would make sense to anyone and where the science was in some of the science things the author seemed to be referencing.
Finally, I come from a somewhat dysfunctional childhood, and at times I was wishing that some of this was as easy as that. I am not saying that a book needs to specifically address trauma and assume everyone has some sort of complex, but at the same rate in many ways our childhood has a lot to do with my reactions to things. That said, the chapter about receiving gifts, and seeing them as an investment in me and my relationship rather than an investment in the thing, really hit home. Poverty can really mess you up.
So, my review is simple. The book has a lot of great things to say about communication with your spouse and using a system of cues (the languages) to figure out what they need and expect from the relationship. Oftentimes we miss this information and do a bad job communicating it, and it is through recognizing this that we can figure out what we expect from ourselves, and what our significant other expects from us. There was some really interesting realistic stuff the author presented (you can fall in love with anyone, television may relax you but it is not quality time), but alongside some really weird inclusions (pray, go to church, a good gift is naming a star after someone from one of those shyster companies, among other suggestions, and an absolute dearth of anecdotal evidence). I also think that the avoidance of physical intimacy - rather than the importance of sex it suggests that just putting your arm around one another or touching a shoulder and explaining sex as a mysterious pseudoscience of emotional literacy - was strange. Finally, the “for men” edition, I thought, was insulting to men and to me as a reader, so I wonder if the original is a little more compatible for humans, but I also have no plans to ever pick it up. In short, it was okay, but I could have gotten the gist of it in a tenth of the pages. -
Of the many practical marriage books which give suggestions for improving your marriage relationship, I've found the Five Love Languages books quite helpful. Learn how your spouse receives love, and learn to show your love to her in those ways. This book even moves a step closer to the heart of the issue, which many marriage books don’t, by making clear that learning to love your spouse like this is a sacrificial and costly choice to put the other person first.
(Some broader reflections: The book still doesn’t resolve the ultimate issue in marriage - since my spouse can never meet my needs perfectly, how is it possible for me to continue to love them with a lifetime of sacrificial and costly love? This is why I recommend books about the meaning of Christian marriage before I recommend more 'practical' marriage books. The key gospel insight is that we can only lay down our lives for our spouses because Jesus has laid down his life for us. Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage was the book which most helped me understand this: “Do for your spouse what God has done for you in Jesus, and the rest will take care of itself.” The Five Love Languages, which isn’t a Christian book in any meaningful way, doesn’t get to the heart of this issue.)
Nonetheless, I've found the love language concept a helpful way to grow in understanding my wife, and learning to love her better, and reading this men’s version has encouraged and reminded me a number of ways I can keep growing in this. The “for men” concept is well executed — I think it would help men who don’t often read to get through the book. -
Labai lengva paaiškinti, kodėl šita knyga (ar visa serija, kaip ją reikėtų vadinti) tokia populiari: duoda labai struktūruotus ir trumpus atsakymus/pamokymus kaip veikia santykiai. Bėda, jog čia visiškai false knowledge, sakyčiau, gali žalos daugiau padaryti nei naudos.
Priežastis, kodėl 2*, o ne 1*, tai šiek tiek pamąstymų sukelia ir verčia pagalvoti kai kuriais klausimais, tai tiek tos ir vertės. -
Frumos l la obiect ! Recomand
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I've read a few of Gary Chapman's books, and I even own a couple of them. This one was written especially for men and the little interview with the author at the end, even mentions he tried to give it a manly cover. As with most books of this nature, I feel I have to sift through what is given.......what is pertinent to me, what isn't. This book was no different. Some of this was useful, some of it wasn't.
I like his emphasis on strengthening relationships. Everyone has the ability to improve any relationship, but bottom line, they have to be willing to put the other person first. Sometimes this means reaching out of your comfy little box. He illustrates his 5 major points well and gives helpful ideas for application. -
This is one of those books that while you are reading it you think to yourself "well of course" and "I knew that". Yet at the same time realizing that you've never really considering the ideas that Chapman presents about the way two people express and more importantly receive love from one another.
I pretty quickly discovered that my primary love language is definitely Words of Affirmation. Most men, and Chapman points this out often, assume they operate from the Physical Touch language but that is usually not the case. But what I enjoyed more than figure out my primary language was that it also allowed me to appreciate when the other languages are expressed to me that I would have otherwise not noticed.
I think every one should read this (or the original though I didn't think this edition was too focused on the male perspective) but especially those that are engaged or newly married such as myself. -
Ok so here is the thing! Gary Chapman has an amazing concept with much info on loving one another. I bought this books after reading his original thinking it would have more male tailored advice....I was wrong. This book is literally just a copy on his original with about 20 pgs in it tht outline ideas for how men can do things for their wives!! The other like 170 pgs are EXACTLY WORD FOR WORD the same as his original. So learn from my mistake, if you have read the original don't waste the money on this copy. If you haven't read his book, and are a man, buy this copy because you ll get the original plus some! Enjoy
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Karantinas. Kone kasdien pasilikdamas namuose turiu kiek daugiau laiko knygų skaitymui, todėl pasistengsiu Jus pradžiuginti ir dažniau išleidžiamomis apžvalgomis.
Šiandien aptarsiu knygą "Penkios vyrų meilės kalbos", kurią parašė santykių ekspertas ir netobulų porų konsultantas Gary Chapmanas, išvien dirbdamas su rašytoju Randy Southernu. Šios knygos leidykla man nesiuntė, niekas neprašė jos recenzuoti. Į mano rankas ji pateko netikėtai - gavau pastarąją dovanų nuo savo antrosios pusės. Ir susimąsčiau, kad tai gali kažką reikšti. Gal tai - subtili aliuzija?
Ar tai buvo netiesioginis merginos skatinimas pasitempti, išsiaiškinau tik perskaitęs kūrinį. Nesigilinsiu į detales, tačiau visi be išimties turime kur tobulėti.
Šįkart kalbėsiu su skaitytoju kaip vyras su vyru (kad ir kaip banaliai tai skambėtų), nes ši knyga skirta būtent vyrams. TAČIAU nesupraskite manęs neteisingai - penkios meilės kalbos lieka penkiomis meilės kalbomis, nepriklausomai nuo žmogaus lyties ar amžiaus, ir norint geriau perprasti kiekvieną iš šių kalbų bei išsiaiškinti, kokia kalba kalba Jūsų antroji pusė, knyga pravers tiek vyrui, tiek moteriai. Žinoma, moterys gali rinktis universaliąją "Penkios meilės kalbos", tačiau "Penkios vyrų meilės kalbos" taip pat gali skaityti tiek vyras, tiek moteris. Kiekvienas nesunkiai atsirinks būtent jam aktualią informaciją.
Šis leidinys priklauso kur kas didesnei "Penkios meilės kalbos" knygų grupei, kurioje aptariamos vienišių, vyrų, moterų, vaikų, paauglių meilės kalbos, mokoma tinkamai atsiprašyti suklydus ir t.t. Šiai grupei, beje, priklauso daugiau nei tuzinas knygų.
Veikale aptariamas ir itin detaliai išnarpliojamas visas penketas meilės kalbų, kiekviena jų mokoma bendrauti su savo mylimąja, o svarbiausia tai, kad knygos dėka tampa kur kas lengviau diagnozuoti, kuria meilės kalba turėtume su savo moterimi kalbėtis. Čia taip pat rasime ir testą, kurio dėka galėsime nusistatyti, kokia meilės kalba abiems partneriams suprantamiausia. Autoriai taip pat kalba ir apie poras, kurios kreipėsi į juos, prašydamos pagalbos, anonimiškai papasakoja jų istorijas, taip pateikdamas realius pavyzdžius, įrodančius, jog knygoje aprašomi metodai yra veiksmingi.
Manau, kad knyga yra aktuali visiems - vienišiems, įsimylėjusiems, susituokusiems, turintiems vaikų ar beplanuojantiems jų susilaukti, stovintiems ant skyrybų slenksčio ir nebežinantiems, kaip išsaugoti santykius... Visi be išimties turime kur tobulėti kaip vyrai savo žmonoms, vaikinai savo merginoms ar tėvai savo vaikams. Nuu arba kaip vaikinai savo vaikinams bei merginos savo merginoms - čia kiekvieno asmeninis pasirinkimas, tačiau point'as tas, kad knyga tinka VISIEMS. Darnūs santykiai esti kiekvieno siekiamybė, praskaidrinanti gyvenimą, apsauganti nuo bereikalingų pykčių ar net skyrybų, pripildanti širdis gėrio bei šilumos.
Perskaitę šį kurinį neabejotinai rasime kažką, kas padės pasijusti geriau Jūsų mylimoms moterims, o kai gera joms, gera ir Jums. Knyga padės įnešti į tarpusavio santykius daugiau šilumos bei santarvė, geriau suprasti vienas kito poreikius. To dėka puikiai jausitės tiek Jūs pats, tiek ir Jūsų išrinktoji.
Knygai rašau aukščiausią įvertinimą - tai galbūt nebus pati įdomiausia Jūsų skaityta knyga, galbūt nerasite kvapą gniaužiančio veiksmo ir pasaulį gelbėjančių superherojų, tačiau leidinys neabejotinai suteiks naudos Jūsų santykiams, o to pasekoje asmeninis gyvenimas ims kur kas labiau džiuginti.
Knygą 2019 metais išleido leidykla "Alma Littera". -
This should replace Algebra in every middle school curriculum in the world. How to appropriately show love to the people you care about might be the single most important concept a human can understand and yet it wasn't until I read this book that I was able to get my head around gifting, touch, and affirmation.
Thank you Gary Chapman. I am going to be thinking of the 5 love languages from now until I die (hopefully) surrounded by people I love and that know that I love them. -
Short, sharp, and contains some pretty handy info about how different people may communicate their love with one another. Some of the references to partners are a little antiquated (consistently “wife” or “husband”), and there are a couple of smaller stereotypes in there, but as long as you can hurdle those the advise is sound and worth the read.
Came recommended, and did not disappoint. -
Listened to this on Libby and although it’s written for men, it provided some good insight for women as well. It helped me understand how to encourage the men in my life to speak my love language. 10/10 will be recommending this to my dad, brother, and boyfriend.
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I am not quite sure how I ended up with this book, but thought that I should read it, so I did. It seems to be fairly consistent with the same ideas express in a bit better detail. I think it adds to compassion and understanding. The path to love is not easy, and yet it is rewarding.
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Required reading for marriage
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Let me just say one thing about this book. It claims itself to be a special edition for men. Well, I don't know what type of man this author is used to (maybe one that doesn't like to keep any dormant mushy side from being exposed to the world), but just because this book has a brown cover doesn't make it very "manly". I don't have many other books in my library that have big hearts with arrows through them on the cover. Every, and I mean EVERY, new chapter has the same big sweetie-pie picture on the left-hand page opposite the text on the right. This was a real double whammy for me since I had to use one arm to cover up the sappy picture and the other hand to cover up whatever embarassing words made up the title of the new chapter of this fine work. Let's just say that this book didn't make mee feel my manliest as I read it on the train each day. I'm not sure that I was able to hide the subject of my reading. That's okay, I followed up this book with one on fighting to get my manly credentials back.
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I would give the philosophy behind the book [series] a 5; the book itself a 4, landing it at a 4.5.
Putting a measurable reason behind discrepancies in how couples communicate affection is outstanding. Finally being able to know how to best show my wife that I love her is only going to strengthen our marriage.
I will say that the the author's phraseology is geared toward someone with no prior knowledge of psychology, which is good and bad. Since I know a little bit, it did make this book a little harder to read, but I would still recommend it to anyone. I imagine you can help more people speaking more simply than not, since even seasoned readers on this type of subject will be able to digest it while others wouldn't have a chance otherwise.
Definitely a great book! -
a nice Book helps you to keep the love with your partner throughout your Marrige,it leerns you how to learn the love Language of your Partner and how to stay in love with her/him
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Sound advice in a quick read
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A must-read for all married men and those considering marriage.
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Great model, not only for couples and children, but also for relationships in general, private or business.
Bonus for the audiobook: author has a great voice with a nice southern accent :) -
Muy enriquecedor, mis 2 lenguajes son Tiempo de calidad y Regalos.
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It may be a cliche, but it is nevertheless true, that communication is the key to good and lasting relationships. It's equally true that different people communicate in different ways. We're all familiar with some version of this story (which is also recounted in the book): a wife comes home complaining about her day, her husband offers a solution to her problem, she ignores it, and they both get a little more miserable. The trouble is that the wife just wants him to shut up and listen; the husband wants to roll up his sleeves and solve the problem. He doesn't understand that his solution isn't wanted at the moment and she doesn't understand that he's genuinely trying to be helpful. We've all been there, I suspect. This book, short as it is, is full of similar stories and advice regarding the sources and solutions to those problems.
And that's both the advantage and disadvantage of the book. It's advice, by and large, is sound. People do communicate differently and following a set of steps (like the ones in the book), they can learn to more effectively communicate with each other. This will almost inevitably improve relationships. Of course, understanding people can be prohibitively difficult. Just ask a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, or counselor. These are people who have spent years--sometimes decades--of intense study of human behavior and they still don't have all the answers. It would be ridiculous to think a book of fewer than 200 pages could solve all of their problems.
On the other hand, people are also quite busy and good advice, even if it's imperfect and incomplete, packaged into a book that can easily be read in a single sitting can be quite useful for those people.
So the real question is: is the advice in the book sound? The answer is complicated. The foundational theory behind this book (and the others in its series) is that there are five "love languages," that each person "speaks" a different one, and that the key to communication within relationships is understanding and speaking one's partner's particular language, even if it's different from one's own. This theory is almost certainly an oversimplification. It's based on anecdotes from the author's career as a counselor rather than empirical research, and the actual research on the topic has been mixed. My best (educated) guess is that it's probably not true that communicative styles fall into five factors with each person focusing primarily on one of them. However, it does seem--informally--like a useful framework for teaching what ought to be the basic and habitual communicative skills within any relationship.
That's where I think the book's value lies. Regardless of the empirical support for the "love languages" construct, it gives the reader something to hang his (or her) hat on when trying to improve communications. The actual advice following from this construct, as described in the book, is pretty simple. Indeed, I'd even go as far as to call the vast majority of it common sense material that everyone ought to already know. However, it's clear that a lot of people simply never learned how to communicate within a relationship, and if they did, they never bothered to put the lesson into practice. For those people struggling to maintain a relationship despite a breakdown in communication, this book might be a godsend.
Admittedly, it's not for everyone. Some will find it too cheesy, occasionally overwritten, often oversimplified, and certainly focused on a very traditional type of relationship or marriage. With apologies for the reference to the book's title, that's simply not the language everyone speaks. That having been said, if you don't mind a book written with a bit of a "fatherly" tone, I suspect most people would benefit from heeding its advice.
It's certainly not the kind of book I'd ordinarily pick up. I usually describe myself as "allergic to the self-help genre." But it was given to me by a friend, and upon reading it, I was pleasantly surprised to find that, despite its flaws and oversimplification of complicated psychological phenomena, it actually does offer good advice. -
Most people are already familiar with the five love languages from this book: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Each of those love languages is kind of self evident. So why read a whole book about them? Even more, why read a book targeted at men?
The best answers I can come up with are motivation and applicable examples.
The book is short enough that it isn't a huge time commitment. Shorter books also tend to be more on point to the main topic. That makes this book great for picking up, reading quickly, and getting a jolt of motivation to push you into action.
Taking action is made easier by the applicable examples provided in each chapter. There's even a two page spread at the conclusion of each chapter with more than enough suggestions on how to employ the love language. Even if you don't use the examples, they provide enough structure to let you come up with your own actions to take.
I often deride self-help books for including bullet point pages that could easily serve to replace the entire book. I don't think that's the case here. There is certainly filler. The longest chapter is dedicated not to a love language but to handling anger. And there's a fairly useless FAQ section that seems mostly geared to selling other versions of this book (e.g. for military, for children). But the five chapters on the five love languages are concise and actionable. That's an admirable trait in this type of nonfiction book.
I appreciate that the book focuses on some of the potentially problematic love languages. Someone who likes to receive gifts isn't a gold digger. Someone who enjoys physical touch isn't looking for just sex. Your acts of service might not be the acts of service your wife wants you to do. Quality time doesn't have to be spent holding hands while gazing into each other's eyes. Each negative aspect is addressed and explained.
Of course there's also the obligatory quiz at the end of the book. For some reason there's a version for him and a version for her. As far as I could tell, the questions are exactly the same with the pronouns changed from he/him to she/her. You can also take the quiz online to avoid manual score calculation. Or you can just observe your own behavior and your wife's reactions to judge your wife's love language.
I imagine there will be some people upset at the specific viewpoint of this book. It's written to address cisgender heterosexual males married to cisgender heterosexual females. But that's just in terms of pronouns and terms (e.g. "husband", "wife"). The love languages are applicable across all identities. There are even versions for the love languages of your kids.
Overall, the book does a good job of providing the definition of each love language, explaining the motivations of each love language, and laying out action plans to apply each love language.
