Outdated: Why Dating Is Ruining Your Love Life by Samhita Mukhopadhyay

Outdated: Why Dating Is Ruining Your Love Life Reviews

• 
  Thomas

  A solid book that tackles how feminism can improve women and men's dating in a patriarchal society. Specifically, Samhita Mukhopadhyay writes about women are taught to value themselves based on whether they are in a romantic relationship above all else. The following passage displays one of the main messages of the book, about the dangers of making women prioritize their search for a male partner:
  
  "Keeping women focused on finding the right man is an underhanded way to keep us acquiescing to traditional values. Conflating our self-esteem with our relationship status is a very powerful and effective way to keep women feeling bad about themselves. I mean, if being alone means you are essentially a social pariah, an outcast, a feminist, and potentially ugly and unlovable, you are not going to be seeing young women lining up for the role."
  
  In addition to encouraging women to love themselves outside of the context of romantic relationships, Mukhopadhyay sheds light on several other sexist practices within dating. She addresses how chivalry is used to perpetuate abusive power dynamics, how feminist women get caught in the double bind of both loving independence and being viewed as incomplete without a man, how there are few flattering portrayals of single women, and more. I most appreciated how she used an intersectional framework and discussed how women of color, queer women, etc. are especially disenfranchised by the romance industrial complex. Here is one quote about marriage that resonated with me a lot:
  
  "The pressure to marry is tied to what you represent in your community, but also to how you become an adult. Even in today's society, people are not considered 'adult' until they marry. It's one of the markers that we've achieved what's expected of us and are on our way to starting a family... people who live on the margins - whether we're talking about single women or queer couples - are accused of living irresponsible and/or immoral lives, and are often characterized as having made a 'choice' not to grow up... What I wasn't able to articulate until I was older and found feminism was that it wasn't the 'get married' part that bothered me, but the assumption that the only path for a young woman is to one day be a wife and mother. This politically motivated and culturally mandated necessity is a manipulation of our dreams and self-realization, especially as women living on the borderlands of gender, race, class, ethnicity, ability, and sexuality in the service of a romantic narrative that we didn't create for ourselves."
  
  I give this book four stars instead of five for two reasons. First, by the end of Outdated I felt that the book lacked a central thesis. It read like a bunch of great points about dating and romance and feminism but I felt unsure of the main message. Second, I wish Mukhopadhyay had gone more in-depth with certain topics. For example, she briefly discusses the importance of friendship in a romance-obsessed society but does not elaborate on how to maintain friendships when they are so undervalued.
  
  Overall, a good read I would recommend to those who have faced frustration in their dating life as well as those who question the salience of romance in general. Hoping to read more of Mukhopadhyay's work in the future.
• 
  Allee

  I read this book in just a few hours. I was hoping it would be an enlightening feminist guide to dating, but it was more of a debunking of the "romance industrial complex" and the myriad ways dating is socialized along gender roles. For an avowed feminist and someone who stays on top of this stuff, it didn't offer a whole lot of new insight and material. It felt more like one really long blog entry, especially with the citing of Facebook and Twitter as sources (to be fair that only happened occasionally, and there was also referencing of actual books). I think the formatting of the book also lent it its air of superficiality, with the huge margins etc.
  I feel bad giving it a low rating, because there are much worse books written by genuine assholes, and this book was really well-intentioned and written by a pretty cool lady. I think it would have been really helpful to read earlier in my feminist journey when I was just getting into dating. And I think it will inspire me to examine a little more critically the automatic paths I always assumed I would follow (long term relationship - wedding/marriage - babies - so the traditional path that's expected of me). So that's a good dent.
• 
  notyourmonkey

  If you've been immersed in the feminist blogosphere for any length of time, nothing here is particularly revolutionary, and most of the first half felt very 101, but I enjoy the simple fact that this book exists. I wanted it to go a bit further, and the "I'm going to tell you, I just told you, as you recall in chapter whatsit" was a little wearing, but, again, overall I liked the balance she struck of personal to larger trends.
  
  One picky little point entirely unrelated to the quite nice content of the book: I hated the font. Like, I had no idea I could loathe the typesetting of a book so much. It was just close enough to italics that I kept thinking the primary text was some sort of quote and at some point they would have to go back to regular, easy on the eyes font, right? Right? Also, the moderately thick grey line across the bottom of the page was wildly distracting.
  
  Ah, goodreads. How glad I am that you exist so that I have a place to record my positive, if mild, feelings about book content and my wild, vociferous negative feelings about book layout.
  
  
• 
  Mary

  I picked up this book because I was intrigued by Samhita Mukhopadhyay's Occupy V-Day project and thought it would be interesting to hear a more thorough critique of "the romantic industrial complex" from her. The book ended up taking me weeks to slog through. The majority of her critiques -- of pick-up artists, dating manuals, and familial pressures -- are important but not new. As other reviewers have pointed out, if you're immersed in the feminist blogosphere or were, at some point, a gender studies minor, you're likely to end up frustrated by her refusal to go past a "101" level analysis.
  
  For that very reason, I *would* recommend this book to new feminists or other young people, who are just beginning to think about what society expects from them as daters. Provided those people are girls who like boys. That point brings me to the most personally frustrating element of Mukhopadhyay's text: it is almost exclusively unpacking how these ideas affect straight women (or -- possibly -- women attracted to men). While her rhetoric is largely inclusive, there's little discussion of the effect these narratives have on queers that could not have been included as a footnote. The result is an (unintentional) recreation of the erasure of queer desire present in the narrative she's opposing. And, for me, it resulted in a book that (up until the final chapters) was either boring, frustrating, or both.
  
  It's always easier to tell an author how they should have written than it is to write, so I'm hesitant to take such issue with what Mukhopadhyay does not include. But like the reviewers who were frustrated to find the book more social critique than personal advice, I think it could have been more forthcoming with what it *was* doing and for whom, specifically. I have nothing wrong with books that are essentially just for straight people, provided they don't claim to be otherwise.
• 
  Alexis

  Dear Samhita,
  
  Thank you for writing this book. I cannot believe how much I have been wanting this book and have needed to read this.
  
  IN this book, one of the editors of Feministing takes a look at dating, the dating book and magazine industry and some of our ideas about dating, romance etc, and how they are misogynistic and sexist. Some of the myths perpetuated are harmful to both men and women, and the current standards and assumptions we have about sex, single women and how men and women think are really harmful. I was sad that I've even bought into some of the myths.
  
  Society tends to think that you are successful if you are in a relationship that is bound for the altar. You can't just date someone, or have other kinds of relationships.
  
  We also tend to overvalue couples, while overlooking all the rich ways that people create community through friends, organizations and family.
  
  
  I'd like to hand this book to a lot of people, because I found it very uplifting and empowering. Some of the terminology may be a little out there to people who have not previously read books about gender politics. Another is that the book is very American and things are a little different in Canada, because we have gay marriage etc.
  
  Also, I'm intrigued by the reviews of other people on goodreads. People either LOVED this book or felt that they wanted more and it had already been said. Perhaps some of the stuff had already been said, but it was great to have it all in one place, and said in a way that included personal anecdotes.
• 
  Alyssa

  It seems a cliche to say I found this book empowering, but I did. Very straightforward look at how the romance "industry" has not caught up to those who are living in the new mainstream.
• 
  Joshunda Sanders

  I'm writing a piece for Bitch Magazine on this book, so I'll save most of my opinions for that. But I loved it.
• 
  Alana

  I am a sucker for feminist dating books.
• 
  Sheliz

  I thoroughly enjoyed this book and it certainly gave me much to think about and chew on. There was a lot of information in here that I was not expecting. I enjoyed reading her take on a number of issues outside of just dating; she made a lot of interesting arguments.
  
  I wasn’t to keen on all of what she said in the DWF chapter
  
  I definitely agree that we need to communicate openly and honestly about what we want both in & out of relationships. There is definitely a lot of pressure and misinformation being circulated in the world about how relationships should be and how we are supposed to act in & out of them. You really have to step out from all of that & spend a considerable amount of time & energy figuring out and knowing where & how you stand in the midst of all of it.
  
  Too bad this wasn’t a New York Times bestseller; it should be.
• 
  Sophy H

  Have had this book in my "work bag" whereby I read it on my break, hence me taking so long to read it in the background! This is 3.5 stars as opposed to 3. I think I've read too many completely amazing feminist texts to be enraptured by this one. It deals with the subject matter of approaching dating with feminist values of independence, self esteem, self value and worth. It gives good advice and highlights major issues and shortcomings with some males in their approach to women (objectification, rape culture, demeaning women etc). I think ultimately though, too many fantastic female writers have pipped Samhita Mukhopadhyay to the post on this subject.
  
• 
  Bailee

  Kinda prolonged but overall I learned a lot more about putting yourself first and not living in embarrassment
• 
  Mayuri

  This is probably the longest rant I have ever read, and it's repetitive. Not that there's anything wrong with that--I love a good rant now and again, and I've been known to indulge in a decent amount of wallowing myself, but I expecting something more than the obvious. This book contained nothing I haven't already heard and read in shorter articles. Simply put, this book is too repetitive and basic.
  
  I picked this up because a friend recommended it to me, and honestly, a little because the author is bengali and I wanted to see what a feminist Indian woman had to say about the dating world. I'm not disappointed by her writing or ideas--they are just nothing new. I think we all know that the world is still sexist, that women still make less than men, still feel the need to be pursued and non-threatening in their romantic endeavors, still feel torn about their success vs. their family duties, that pick up artists are dumb, that young women's self esteems are still tied to male attention, that man-children don't really exist in hordes somewhere, that weddings are a multi-billion dollar industry...etc. etc. etc. That doesn't mean that none of this is worth saying or that her message of simply having confidence and using the essential premise of feminism are what will make you happy--hopefully women understand equality and self-worth, plus a kind and understanding man is what makes a relationship go round. Just, maybe something beyond the basics please?
• 
  Neelanjana

  This is a crucial book for anyone interested in changing the way gender relations are playing out in 21st Century America, and beyond. Ms Mukhopadhyay courageously (and sassily) takes on the Dating Industrial Complex and asks some hard questions about the state of the game for young women. The book does a great feminist critique of the dating-advice market, but beyond that digs into masculinity issues and issues of sexual freedom and identity. While Dating While Feminist may be really freaking hard, Outdated starts a conversation that everyone can engage in and reminds us that beyond who will pay the bill and when to give up the nookie -- harnessing the power of love is the key to changing this world for the better.
  
  This book is a great read for anyone interested in feminism, pop culture criticism, gender and sexual politics, and social change. It would make a great gift for any single friend (male or female), but I also think that people in relationships can gain a lot from reading this book, or to help your mom/dad/grandmother understand more about why you aren't bringing over anyone for Thanksgiving dinner, though you might have to slip out early to meet that anyone at the bar.
  
  Highly recommended!!!
• 
  Silvio Curtis

  A short book that covers a lot of ground and ends up kind of scattered. The point is to debunk the most traditional romantic understanding of dating, where everything is supposed to escalate towards marriage and your value as a person is dependent on what progress you're making. Explicitly addressed to female readers, and implicitly to straight or straightish ones; I'm male, but I found the early chapters informative about how those narrowly romantic norms get transmitted - mostly through TV shows, it sounds like, and one chapter lists off and responds to some common sexist myths in books of dating advice. I'm less puzzled than I was before about why the difference between that script and a slightly different relationship that's also monogamous, affectionate, and physical would seem like a big deal to the participants. The one channel of transmission that I've also been exposed to was political news, in particular sex scandals and the struggle for gay marriage, and I felt really validated by the author's take on their double-edged implications. I had a harder time identifying any meaningful content in the later chapters, which in theory were about masculinity - a big missed opportunity there - and how to have less traditional relationships or casual sex.
• 
  Jeanine

  I think this is actually a good book to read even if one doesn't quite identify as a feminist and might be a little uncomfortable with the word. It makes it really approachable and explains that feminism means equality and fairness for us all, not just for women. Instead of issuing blanket statements about what is right or wrong, it questions certain behaviors and practices so that we can be critical of our own actions and really think about why it is we do the things that we do. There was a lot of background and explaining of the systems in place, but I guess I was hoping for more suggestions on um.. how to fix my dating life? Kidding (..half). This book addresses things like chivalry, masculinity, marriage, open relationships, casual sex and hookup culture. There's a lot here and it was helpful to read. A lot of people think that politics aren't personal, but that's not true-- they're SO personal. The way gender dynamics are played out in a relationship is important and it would be great to date someone who understands this.
• 
  Ashley

  Thank God (and feminism) for books like this one. Writers like Samhita Mukhopadhyay are the only people who don't make me feel like an utter failure. After all, as an unwillingly celibate female (and not, "oh ha ha I haven't done the nasty in six months I'm totally celibate!" celibate. I mean completely celibate) who has never been on a date, been asked out (or asked anyone out for that matter), it's easy for most writers to dismiss me as a failure. In fact, I'm already considered a freak-of-nature. It's awful the way society stigmatizes, shames, and dismisses single women. But, then again, if you go out and have too much sex, you're a slut. There's no winning.
  
  This book made me feel like less of a freak of nature and reminded me that no, I am not a failure. Thank you, book. Thank you.
  
  
• 
  Bethany

  I appreciated Mukhopadyay's perspective and viewpoint on dating and relationships within our American Society. Separate from a feminist view, I felt she covered several areas about how dating is approached in our culture, and the many ways the mainstream perspective can be damaging to those who view relationships in a less "traditional" way.
  I felt the last chapter of the book was most helpful, as she covers several dating topics from the viewpoint of a feminist, and provides wonderful quotes from other women who are leading feminist writers/thinkers. I found this to be the most helpful and encouraging portion of the book.
• 
  Kelly

  Meh. I'm not sure what I was hoping for--maybe theory-informed self-help?--but this didn't quite hit the mark. It's got some facts and analysis, but it feels flimsy at times, more like a long-form blog article than a book. I wouldn't have minded so much, but there wasn't anything new in here--it was just a rehashing of more serious works I've read before. If you're new to feminist works (or are one of those poor misguided souls who declare yourself "not a feminist"), give it a try; otherwise, don't waste your time as you've read all of this before.
• 
  Jen Angel

  Most of the book is an overview of how things like the media, culture, and societal pressures influence dating.
  
  What I wanted was more of what is in the chapter "dating while feminist." - what do we do about these things, and how do we date successfully despite them?
  
  She touches on some great things in that chapter (like, how do I define a successful relationship if I don't want marriage?), but doesn't go far enough.
  
  
  
• 
  Mandy

  It's been a long time since I was in the dating pool, but as a budding psychologist interested in socio/cultural dimensions of behavior, I really enjoyed this book. It is a comprehensive (and often humorous) analysis of modern gender roles and privilege that just happens to take place within the context of dating. Also, even though I am married, being a career oriented, childless woman by choice I still found it highly relatable.
• 
  m_miriam

  While for an experienced feminist who is not straight, this text did not have any new concepts or revolutionary ideas; that said, for a middle-aged single femme, it was a very affirming read with a lot of great reminders, especially as I prepare for a move to a less progressive community. I especially liked the way the author discussed self-esteem, how feminism benefits people of all genders, and her (brief) section on polyamory.
• 
  Gina

  This book helped me to realize how much I operate out of gender norms when it comes to dating. It helped me realize how much power I give to guys I date. And it helped me realize that sleeping with a man outside of monogamy does not mean that he will never want to be monogamous again. Yay for feminism!
• 
  Anna

  This book was okay. I really wanted it to go deeper. It felt like a pep talk where I wanted more thoughtful analysis and constructive ideas on how to navigate a relationship and dating while feminist.
• 
  Elizabeth

  I have enjoyed Samhita's writing on feministing for years, and I was excited to pick up her book. I agree with most of what she writes here, and wish I had read something similar when I was younger (before having to figure it out for myself).
• 
  Miri

  This book made a lot of good points, but the writing itself wasn't very good--it was overly simple at times, in my opinion. I'd still recommend it, though, but mostly to people who are new to feminism.
• 
  Kristen

  This book has definitely changed how I view my past and current relationship in a very positive way :) It's made me feel better about some of the choices I have or haven't made. It's informal tone makes it a god read and worth it!
• 
  Darby

  I wish that there were more books like this on the market. If you've ever felt stressed about dating and guilty about reading so-called "self-help" books then read this book! Also, if you are a feminist who is currently, has ever, or has plans to someday date - you need to read this book.