Things I Wish Id Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman

Things I Wish Id Known Before We Got Married Reviews

• 
  John

  I read Gary Chapman’s book “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” as part of a campus ministry program with my Church. The intent of the book is to provide those considering marriage some issues to reflect on that most dating couples do not think about prior to walking down the aisle. The overriding theme of the book is that during the traditional Western courtship process, people get so focused on being in love and having found “the one” that it is easy to ignore many of the mundane facets of married life. Chapman’s stance is that love is not enough to carry a couple through for a lifelong relationship, and discussion of these matters prior to marriage will make for a stronger wedded bond aiding in the avoidance of many common pitfalls that often lead to divorce.
  
  I will point out from the onset that I am not within the target demographic of the book since my wife and I have been married now for nearly a decade while the book is directed to singles or engaged couples. But, I think that also gives me a perspective to critique Chapman’s advice for those young adults contemplating marriage. Here are my thoughts...
  
  I think Chapman makes some excellent points regarding arguments, apologies, and forgiveness (Chapters 4, 5, and 6, respectively). Moreover, I think that a lot of the advice Chapman proposes in those chapters is applicable to all interpersonal relationships, whether those are with family, coworkers, or friends - not just spouses. I also appreciated his suggestions in Chapter 7 regarding an agreement towards a division of labor as it applies to household chores and familial responsibilities. I agree that as petty as it sounds, those can become sticking points for many relationships (my wife and I included).
  
  For all of the good proposals that Chapman makes regarding issues that should be discussed and methods for resolving differences, I found that I disagreed with or took issue with just as many of his other points. Throughout the book, I could not shake the feeling that he was writing from the perspective of an old-world philosophy with a family that has a single income, a stay at home Mom, and traditional gender roles that follow suit. (Sometimes Chapman explicitly points out that he is not necessarily talking about one relationship style over another, but I did not find those claims to be very convincing.) Living within a dual career modern family, my experiences did not fit well within this framework. Some of the specific points that I took issue with in this regard:
  
  • Chapman devotes all of Chapter 3 to the theory of “Like mother, like daughter” and “Like father, like son”, making the claim that if you want to see what your current boyfriend / girlfriend will be like in 20 or 30 years, just look at their respective parent. I think that is a dramatic oversimplification, and in my own experience, it is blatantly not true. I believe my wife share’s more of her personality with her father than her mother, whereas I inherited much of my mother’s character. In reality, we are both combinations of both of our parents, in addition to the many other influences we’ve had throughout our lives.
  
  • In the chapter focused on money matters (Chapter 8), Chapman tries to make the case that the only valid approach is that upon marriage, there is no longer “yours” or “mine”, just “ours”. Again, being in a dual career, dual income family, my wife and I have always maintained individual finances in addition to having a joint account. I would argue that doing so has eliminated many of the typical financial bickering that most couples have. Once we have met all of our mutual financial obligations, our individual leftovers are purely discretionary. If my wife wants to spend all of her money on shoes, and I opt to spend all of my money on CD’s, that is our prerogative. I definitely take offense to Chapman’s statement of “If you are not ready for this kind of unity, then you are not ready for marriage” when he mandates that couples join all of their monetary resources.
  
  • Finally, I think there are at least three points of conflict that Chapman overlooked in his book that are often major issues for modern couples:
  1.) During his treatment of extended family relationships (Chapter 10), he makes no mention of the issues that can arise for couples trying to care for aging parents, and the realities of being within the so-called “sandwich generation”.
  2.) Chapman barely mentions any issues related to parenting and all of the things that accompany that aspect of married life. My wife and I have often said “getting married was easy…having children changes everything.”
  3.) I touched on this already above, but I will reiterate that Chapman ignores the challenges that are presented to couples in dual career relationships. Matters of competition, work-life balance, and employer geography can be just as contentious if not more so than any of the other matters he did discuss.
  
  Overall, I think the book “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” can give single and engaged young adults some good things to consider. But, I also think that Gary Chapman misses the mark on some topics, and does more harm than good on others.
• 
  نادرة نضرة

  2nd review
  
  تعتبر الرغبات جانبا غامضا و مركبا في النفس الإنسانية
  بعد استقراء للواقع و لبعض القراءات العلمية المتخصصة اكتشفت أن المشاعر و الرغبات بما فيها الجنس جانب مهم ولا يجب كبته أو إهماله .. لكن نجاح الزواج لا يعتمد عليه فقط ما لم يكتمل هذا الجانب الإلهي فينا بالمودة و الرحمة و التوافق الفكري و النفسي سيصير بهيمية بحتة ... الواقع يخبرنا أن المشاعر الجياشة و الرغبات المشتعلة تتراحع بشكل كبير بعد سنة أو إثنين من الزواج و نلاحظ ذلك في أغلب الزيجات و هذا طبيعي جدا ... المشكلة أن الكثير يختار شريك حياته بناءا على الانجذاب فقط.. بعد هدوء رغباتك ستحتاج الى نفس تتفهمك و تحتويك تقف بجانبك و تدفعك للأمام ... تحتاج الى النقاش و الحوار و المواقف المبذولة لتعيش حياة حميمية مستقرة .. المشاعر الجياشة يمكن أن تندرج في الحب لكتها لا تشكل الحب الا بتداخل أمور أخرى ... سبحان الذي خلق الإنسان فأحسن تقويمه
  اللهم الوعي الوعي و الحكمة الحكمة للفهم الذي يليق بهذا السر العجيب
  _____________________________
  لكتاب مفيد بل و أرى أن هذا النوع من القراءة و المناقشة ضروري لادراك مفهوم الزواج و بناء علاقة على مدى العمر ...خاصة لليافعين المتيمين يؤسفني القول أن الحب كمشاعر غير كافية لانجاح تلك العلاقة لكن الحب الواقعي يستحق أن نبذل جهدا للحفاظ عليه فمرحلة الحب الرومنسي لن تستمر طويلا لتكتسي نضجا وواقعية ففي البداية قد يبدو أن كل شيء على مايرام لكن اذا ظننا أن ذلك الحب سيستمر بدون أن نضحي و نتنازل و نبذل جهدا فالمؤكد أن العلاقة ستؤول للفشل المحتم
  يبدو أن الأمر ليس بالسهل كما نظن أبدا الاعداد للزواج ليس الا الواجهة البراقة
  الزواج مسؤولية عظيمة لذلك لابد لمن يفكر في خوض هذه التجربة أن يتفطن للكثير من الأمور التي يجب أن تناقش و يدرك أنه لن يصل الى نتيجة مرضية للطرفين ان لم يتخلى عن أنانيته المتأصلة في الانسان
  كلنا نعرف الكلام و تبقى التجربة و الواقع خير معلم
  نسأل الله العون
• 
  Eliza

  Read this with my fiancé. :)
• 
  Debby

  I guess some might find it odd that someone who's been married for 39 years would read a book writen FOR those who are dating and considering marriag. Well, it was written by a man after he'd been married for quite a few years and there were things he felt were worth knowing, thinking about and talking about BEFORE couples got married; that might actually be useful to know b/c you might just NOT be making the best decision, even though these couples declare they are "in love".
  I think a book like this should be required reading by any couple who is seriously considering marrying. Since the divorce rate is so high these days, maybe more consideration should go into asking SHOULD we get married. The information in this book looks at crucial areas where conflict arises and enables couples to take a deeper look into not just their love for each other, but their compatibility and their commitment.
  On second thought, this is a book any high school student could benefit from reading. If sex ed is taught in elementary schools now, why not help kids learn about commitment in marriage! What a novel idea!
• 
  Fatma Nady

  كتاب رائع، يضم المختصر المفيد لأهم النقاط التي ينبغي على المقبلين على الزواج الأحاطة بها، والمواضيع التي يجب مناقشتها، ويحمل في مجمله صورة واقعية لما يمكن أن يتصوره الشركاء عن العلاقات والحياة الأسرية
  أعطيه خمس نجوم لأني من محبي جاري تشابمان، وأحب مطالعة كل ما يجود به قلمه، وما يقدمه لنا في جميع كتبه من نصائح مخلصة وصادقة مصحوبة بتدريبات عملية يمكن تطبيقها
  وما يميز كتاباته عموما هو واقعيتها الشديدة، ووصفها الصائب الدقيق لمختلف ما يجول في خواطرنا من اضطرابات، فتشعر أنه يتحدث عنك، وأن ما يسرده من قصص تشبهك، ومررت بها من قبل، دون مغالاة أو تحليق في سماء المثالية والخيال
  أشعر بالفرق بعد كل كتاب أقراءه له، هو حتما كتاب يضيف لقارئه، ويحترم عقله ويذكي عاطفته، وإضافة كبيرة لحياة زوحية وصحة نفسية أفضل.. ولم أندم يوما على قراءة شيء له، بل أشعر بالامتنان ومزيد من النضج فكريا وعاطفيا
• 
  Faith

  Title: Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married
  Written By: Gary Chapman
  Genre: Relationships/Non-fiction
  Recommended Ages: 16 & up
  
  Introduction:
  I have read two if Gary Chapman's books before (The Five Love Languages and Five Love Languages for Singles) and enjoyed them. When my friend gave my fiance and I this book, I knew I wanted to read it before our wedding. I'm glad I did. We had already talked about many of the things Gary mentions in his book, but there were a few that I think will be very helpful for us as we get married and move past the "tingles."
  
  Clarity: .75/1
  Most of what Mr. Chapman said was very clear and easy to understand. There were a few things that I was a little curious why he had to mention. Not because they were bad, but because I thought they were more obvious to talk about with a potential spouse than they apparently are.
  Another thing that bugged me a little is that from what I understand, this book--and the author--is supposed to be geared toward Christians. But when he mentioned the Bible (fairly rare), he called it the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures. I'm probably being a little picky here, but I would have appreciated it if he would have called the Bible what it is and put in a few more Biblical reasons behind each of his tips.
  
  Usability: 1/1
  The majority of the book will definitely be usable. I know my fiance will not be able to read the whole book before the wedding, so I took quite a few notes while reading and after I finished it. And now I have a good conversation to have with him in the next week or so.
  
  Readability: 1/1
  The way the book was written and formatted made it easy to read.
  
  Overall writing quality: .75/1
  I can't remember finding any typos. The only problem I had was the personality test in the back that must have a link that is expired. I found another version of the test and emailed the people at his website to let them know it doesn't work anymore.
  
  Un-put-down-ability: .75/1
  This isn't one of those books that you simply can't put down. But it isn't so dry you don't ever want to pick it up again, either. It's a little more neutral with a fairly good tip on the former description's side.
  
  Conclusion: 4.25/5
  I would recommend this book to anyone who are going into a serious relationship, engaged, or even newly married. There are at least 3 chapters that could be helpful to newlyweds and might just save their marriage.
  
• 
  Tony

  Before I start my review, let me preface by saying that I am not Chapman's target audience. I am not single, considering marriage, or newlywed. Accordingly, much of the rubber-meets-the-road advice about how to conduct onesself in a bewildering new domestic arrangement, I learned the hard way.
  I made it through almost half of this pile of shit before I gave up. Chapman is a Christian minister, and he can't resist a little bit of proselytizing (in spite of the fact that he's tackling issues applicable to a much wider audience). I could indulge him in that. What I couldn't bear was the unapologetic heteronormativity. Chapman routinely discusses marriage as an unbreakable oath taken between a man and a woman, and one that carries a number of emotional labors. To his credit, he calls on men to shoulder some of the burden--learning to apologize, for example. To his debit, he doesn't intuit that this still pattern-checks "old-fashioned" marital values, and that this is detrimental to the receptivity of its readers. Not all of us had mothers and fathers and siblings to learn from, and failing to even pay lip service to the mere existence of families that don't meet his stringent expectations of structure and gender is unforgivable.
  If we look past his homophobia and his tacit approval for traditional gender roles, there still isn't a book worth reading underneath. More than marriage, the target audience is people who've never *lived* together. Using one as a proxy for the other just demonstrates how hopelessly out of touch Chapman is. Maybe most of the couples he's counseled fit this mold. Maybe most of them lied about it, because who wants to tell their evangelical pastor that they're living together out of wedlock?
  This book would've been cutting-edge emotional economics in 1950, but in 2017 it just makes Chapman sound like his head is so far up his own ass, he can't tell what decade it is.
  If you dig past THAT, there's a kernel of usefulness here. Apologies must be made because people and feeling are fragile. Forgiveness doesn't eliminate hurtness or restore trust. When you're assembling a lifestyle with another person (or other people), chores must be done by someone, so that is a decision that must be made. If only Chapman were willing to write secular prose for people who weren't exactly like him, he could've written a great book of advice. Sadly, he wrote this. Do yourself a favor: don't read it.
• 
  Roman Steven

  It is a nice book!
  The myth "happy ever after" and scenario we created in our head on what marriage looks like only to find out its not what we expected. Why there is a lot of pain and divorce only after marriage? why people want to get out of their marriage? why they seem happy together when dating and suddenly things changed after they get married? and a lot of unanswered question.
  The good point is you have to learn about marriage before you commit yourself into it. And the "happy ever after" can become true only if you know all the necessity before you commit yourself.
  I recommend the book for all who marriage is in their menu.
• 
  Jenn Ravey

  I think that for young couples, this book could be extremely helpful. As a woman in her 30s, this book felt like it only covered surface material. My boyfriend and I have each lived on our own. We've done all the chores. We've discussed which we like and dislike, but we've been out of our parents' homes for years, and even when I lived at home, my parents split the duties pretty evenly.
  
  Again, I don't think this book is bad. I simply wish I would've known it was geared toward young couples who have just flown the coop, so to speak.
• 
  Hissa

  This was a good informative read, just like The 5 love languages I really did enjoy/learn a lot from Gary Chapman. I’m definitely rereading this with my future husband.
  I am going to force him to read it and have discussions after each chapter lol.
• 
  Carly Brianne

  Here are some excerpts:
  "Marriage, between a man and a woman, is the foundation of all human societies." (9)
  "Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages. In earlier generations where the husband was the provider and the wife the homemaker, there was little confusion over who would do what." (76)
  "It becomes extremely important to discover what kind of Christian you are dating." (121)
  "The reality is that previous sexual experience often becomes a psychological barrier in achieving sexual unity in marriage" (97) -- and he goes on to recommend a book written by an abstinence advocate
  Suggests couples deal with difficult matters such as forgiving painful actions by praying to God to take away their feelings of hurt (69)
  If you are not a Christian, hetero, traditional gender roles couple, this book is not for you. This book literally erases the possibility that people who fall outside of that mold exist. His other book, 5 Love Languages, assumes this readership as well but it is subtle enough that you can separate the wheat from the chaff. Not so with this book. The blatant gender essentialism, heteronormativity, and proselytizing makes it unreadable. Fine for people who are looking for Christian guides on marriage. But nowhere is it advertised as such. So it feels underhanded, meant to catch the "sinners" who pick up the book unawares and get them to convert.
• 
  Ain

  This is the must read book before we get married. Seriously. So practical !!
  
  Kita selalu dengar " No one plan to fail but they fail to plan " - bunyinya ala2 macam tu la kan.
  
  Semua orang kalau boleh nak kawin sekali je seumur hidup tapi masalanya takda sapa yg pnh plan betul2. Kalau pasal bercuti ka bekerja kita plan dari awal kenapa tidak mengenai perkahwinan. Kalau majlis kawin pun kita plan bagai kenapa tidak mengenai kehidupan selepas itu yg pastinya lebih lama.
  
  Dan utk plan itu,saya syorkan pembacaan buku ini. Isinya seakan remeh tapi benar :))
• 
  Miss Ryoko

  I have zero plans or desires to ever get married. Ever. Seriously. But I really want to read this to see if I agree with all the things this guy has to say.
  
  So, to fully offer my thoughts on it, I figured I'd have a running review going while I read it and share my thoughts for each chapter :-p So here goes:
  
  Intro:
  I appreciate that Gary himself has had a lot of hardship in his marriage, so at least he can speak from experience. However, I did not appreciate his statement "One conclusion is inevitable. Marriage, between a man and a woman, is the foundation of all human societies." Sorry Gary, there are other kinds of marriages other than a man and a woman (and they are equally as important). If you believe homosexuality is wrong, Gary, well, that's your jam, but when writing a book for others to read and learn from, you should keep your own beliefs and opinions out of it and stick to your facts (or in this case, the things you've learned and used to help others have a more successful marriage).
  
  Chapter 1: I wish I had known that being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage
  This seems like the most common sense piece of knowledge EVER but unfortunately, it seems like our human race has gotten dumber as time goes on, and people seriously think this is a good reason to get married. Apparently people forget how easily they've "fallen in love" with every single ex they've ever had. It's just part of being in a relationship in the first couple years. You're always going to feel that when you start seeing someone new. That doesn't mean marriage should be the next step.
  
  Chapter 2: I wish I had known that romantic love has two stages
  This chapter really ties in with the last chapter and I fully support the idea of two stages of love. I can't remember if it was this chapter or the last where Gary talks about the first stage of love lasting about two and a half years. I actually think that timeline is pretty accurate - that is the time when basically your other half "does no wrong" and the relationship is easy. I try to tell people this all the time because I've actually experience it. I was with my ex for 12 years, and about half of those years I liked him, and then things changed. People change. Situations change. You don't know how things will be. I think people should date someone 3-5 years before moving in together. And after that, they should date at least another 3 years before they decide if they want to get married. Marriage is no joke people, and everyone needs to stop taking it so lightly. A divorce and a break up are two very different things.
  
  Gary also talks about the love languages in this chapter. Apparently he created them? Well, I do think the love languages is an interesting thing, however I think simply having 5 is probably not very accurate, but it is a good place to start to help partners understand one another and understand how to show one another love.
  
  Chapter 3: I wish I had known that the saying 'Like mother, like daughter' and 'Like father, like son' is not a myth
  I both agree and disagree with this chapter. I believe Gary is on to something - we do pick up a lot of things from our parents, it's true, but I don't believe it's so gendered. I think daughters can pick things up from their fathers and sons can pick things up from their mothers as well. And it isn't always 100% true - just because a mother reacts a certain way to something does not mean that her daughter will do it too all of the time. People are individuals (which he says in the next chapter), so yes, while there is definite influence, it does not always mean it is 100% so (even though he says it right in the beginning of the chapter he isn't suggesting they will turn out exactly like their parent, the rest of the chapter is written as if it is very likely they'll behave in similar ways in most cases)
  
  Chapter 4: I wish I had known how to solve disagreements without arguing
  This is a decent chapter that I can get behind. I'm sure the thought of people just shutting up for 10 seconds and listening to what someone else has to say is mind boggling. Gary is right, though he was far too kind in writing this chapter. Had it been me, I would have been more up front and honest about it "Listen, what you think and feel isn't the ONLY way. Stop being a selfish ass and think about someone else for once in your life!" Lol - maybe people wouldn't respond well to that, but it's true. Human beings are selfish naturally. We're hard wired to think of our needs first. And that's fine - just admit to your selfishness, but don't be a god damn ass all the time. I, for one, know that I can be incredibly selfish, but I try to make sure I'm being mindful of it and in situations where I don't have to be, I work on not being. It's not that difficult, but boy do other human beings make it seem like if they did that, they might die right on the spot.
  
  Your way is not the only way, and if you think it's going to be that way in your relationship, you can kiss that relationship goodbye
  
  Chapter 5: I wish I had known that apologizing is a sign of strength
  Hmmm... so now there are also 5 primary apology languages? Yes, I agree whole heartedly people need to apologize and mean it... but I don't buy this apology language business. I don't think people have one set apology language - I think each situation requires it's own acceptable apology. For example, if someone cancels plans on me the last minute, the type of apology I'd like is a "making restitution" apology... but if someone loses their temper and starts screaming at me and calling me names, a "making restitution" apology is not going to cut it. At all. That would be a "genuinely expressing the desire to change a behavior" apology. Apologies are situational, there is no one set way one person wants someone to apologize all the time. Otherwise then that apology can seem meaningless.
  
  Ah, but alas... despite my feelings on that, APOLOGIZE PEOPLE!! Apologies make you a better person.
  
  Chapter 6: I wish I had known that forgiveness is not a feeling
  Well... I knew good ol' Gary must be religious, then last chapter (I think) he talked about seminary... but boy and boy was this chapter full of God talk. I could have done without that.
  
  Forgiveness is something that is easier said than done. I found this chapter to be useless. People need to know HOW to forgive, because saying the words "I forgive you" is not how you forgive. It requires processing your feelings and emotions. Gary didn't much mention anything on how to forgive. The chapter was called forgiveness is not a feeling. I was expecting him to talk about how to forgive properly, or give tips to how to do it... and all he did was talk about how important it is to forgive and that forgiveness does not mean everything is better (which is absolutely 100% true). Well, I guess that means the chapter wasn't entirely useless. It is important for people to realize that forgiveness won't make the pain go away and won't automatically fix things. That is good to keep in mind.
  
  Chapter 7: I wish I had known that toilets are not self-cleaning
  I pretty much agree with this entire chapter, except for the fact that Gary is making the assumption that all people grow up in a two parent household. I wish he would have addressed single parent families a bit in it, because I know my views are a whole lot different from someone who had a mom and a dad (I had a mom that did both parent roles, from cooking and cleaning to fixing cars and building toys). But it is true, if you don't sit down and talk about who does what, it will definitely lead to trouble and A LOT of resentment.
  
  Chapter 8: I wish I had known that we needed a plan for handling our money
  I was onboard for most of this chapter except for the our money BS Gary pulled out. In my opinion, if you work hard and you make your money, that's YOUR money, whether you're married or not. If you and your partner decide you want to put it in a mutual fund where you both spend it, that's fine, but if you decide you want to have separate accounts to, I don't think there is anything wrong with that and it isn't a sign that you aren't ready for marriage. Your money is your money, no matter what Gary says in this book. No one can make you share it with anyone. That is up to you and your partner to decide.
  
  The rest of the chapter is spot on - you do need to make sure you're on the same page with finances and how the money is spent, because trust and believe from personal experience, it's not pretty when you aren't in agreement on it. And there is no "my way or the highway" with money situations, there HAS to be a mutual agreement meeting in the middle.
  
  Chapter 9: I wish I had known that mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic
  Parts of this chapter held some truths while others felt a little too preachy for me.
  
  I do agree with Gary in that women and men can sometimes see sex different, but it isn't always the case. The general statements he makes about sexes in this book do tend to tick me off. Sometimes sex isn't all about love and connection for women, and sometimes sex isn't all about physical pleasure to men. Often, these two roles can be swapped, and there is nothing wrong with that. Yes, there are some women who really dig that intimate connection of sex (me!), but there are also men who really thrive on that. Yes, there are men who just want to get it on and be done with it, but guess what, there are PLENTY of women out there who feel the same way.
  
  I had a really hard time with the "sexual history" BS - Gary wasn't straight up preaching "Don't have sex until you're married" but he practically was. This is how I feel about it - if you are seriously THAT INSECURE about yourself and your relationship that you cannot get over your partner's sexual past, that is all on YOU and you need to figure your shit out. I can say I've never honestly once thought "Gee, I wonder how many people this person has had sex with in the past and how it was"... why do I give a crap about stuff that is over and done with? What I care about is what is happening right now between me and my partner. And if someone can't get over that... yikes... I'm sorry, that's just ridiculous.
  
  No one needs to "save themselves" for marriage, Gary should be telling people to get over themselves and stop worrying about things that have already happened and cannot be changed. The only time someone needs to worry so much over their partner's sexual past is if that partner can't seem to stop talking about a past lover. THEN it's an issue (well, that and OBVIOUSLY disclosing any STIs immediately!) But other than that, you're just making it an issue by having it affect you so much. (sorry for the harshness, but I just found this part of the book to be EXTREMELY irritating because this mindset is putting blame on someone for having a sexual past instead of putting the blame on the person who has the issue with it and that's not fair)
  
  Chapter 10: I wish I had known that I was marrying into a family
  Yup. This one is decent. Good to hash this stuff out before marriage
  
  Chapter 11: I wish I had known that spirituality is not to be equated with "going to church"
  Yup. Also another one that's good to hash out before getting married.
  
  Chapter 12: I wish I had known that personality profoundly influences behavior
  I mean, this one here seems like extremely common sense to me, but I guess Gary does have a point - when people have the "tingles" and are in love in the first few years, we often over look these things and ignore things we might not like.
  
  I think Gary hit it on the head for the most part in this chapter, talking about some of the personality differences and people's responses to them. This is often why I recommend people spend YEARS dating before deciding to get married, because all of these things will eventually show face, and sometimes they change - sometimes things change for the better, and sometimes they change for the worst. You need to know if you're prepared to deal with that before you're already married. And you can't know that only by dating someone one or two years before you decide to get married. Plain and simple.
  
  Appendix: Developing a healthy dating relationship
  Gary was doing okay in this appendix until he brought up sexual behavior again and pissed me off all over again. Dear people who enjoy having sex and engage in things like one night stands - NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!! Okay, well, that might not be entirely true. Some people might be suffering some sort of psychological, emotional, or physical something or other when they indulge in this behavior, but for those of you who are sexually fluent (as I like to call it), who enjoy having sex simply because your body likes it (and you aren't sexually addicted), there is nothing wrong with you. Gary likes to talk about these people as if they have a problem. Yes, I'm not dismissing that fact that SOME people do have a sexual problem, but we need to stop generalizing it for everyone. For some people, yes sex is intimate and emotional, for some people, its entirely physical. And those people aren't bad people.
  
  Okay, off my soap box now for an overall review of the book. I had mixed feelings. I don't need to dive too far into them since I shared my thoughts as I read. I think Gary made a lot of good points, I also think he made a lot of generalizations that made some parts of this book seem unfair. Do I think the majority of what he brought up is something people need to think about and discuss before getting married, yes absolutely! People need to stop thinking that just because you're in love with someone means you should marry them. Feelings change, things change, and if you aren't willing to be open and understanding, then that relationship will never work for you. People need to stop taking marriage so lightly and thinking marriage equals success in life and focus on the relationship with the person they want to marry to figure out if they really want to marry them, or they just want to be married. Wanting to "be married" is also a horrible reason to get married.
  
  As mentioned in the beginning, I have zero plans to ever get married no matter how many annoying people tell me "you're young, you'll change your mind." I have known for almost a decade I don't want to get married and don't want to have children. I doubt my mind will change, and also my choice to not get married or spawn has nothing to do with anyone else and doesn't affect them so they don't need to worry about it. But I do think people who want to get married need to seriously exam themselves, their partner, and their relationship to see if they ARE willing to deal with the hard parts and are they willing to compromise. Marriage is not a fairy tale, it WILL NOT just magically work out. And the divorce rate in this country is definitely showing that people don't want to put effort into those relationships because they didn't bother to seriously think about it beforehand and they didn't bother to not be selfish brats in the marriage, open their ears and hearts, listen, and compromise.
  
  Human beings need to get their shit together when it comes to relationships. Hopefully this book can help some people figure that out and give them steps and tips to making it work.
• 
  Chi Linh

  Tớ thấy quyển này khá là dễ đọc và toàn diện đấy ạ.
  Và tớ đồng ý với hầu hết các luận điểm được đề cập trong quyển sách này.
  - Tình yêu không đủ là nền tảng vững chắc để xây dựng một cuộc hôn nhân hạnh phúc.
  - Hôn nhân cần có sự gần gũi về tinh thần. Nếu bạn nghĩ có thể bỏ qua điều này thì tớ nghĩ cậu nên hoãn lại hôn sự cho đến khi thực sự trưởng thành. Cả hai người có đức tin không hay vô thần? Và nếu bạn tin theo Chúa thì vợ/chồng bạn có ủng hộ và theo bạn không? Và sẽ như thế nào khi hai bạn có con?
  - Bạn nghĩ thế nào về quá khứ của vợ/chồng bạn? Nhưng dù sao thì hai bạn phải thành thật và chia sẻ trước khi tiến tới hôn nhân.
  - Và điều quan trọng là hãy học cách thoả mãn về vấn đề đó với partner của mình. STOP basing your expectations on movies/novels! :)
  - …
  Và sau tất cả thì tớ nghĩ độc thân vẫn là lựa chọn sáng suốt =)))))
• 
  Arwa Basha

  نفسي ألاقيه جدا
  
  :(
• 
  aljouharah altheeyb

  مثل ماقلت فيه نصايح جميلة وتضع النقاط على الحروف، وفيه أخرى لايمكن تطبيقها في مجتمع مختلف عن مجتمع الكاتب، وفيه نصايح شاطحه وتعمم دون تأكيد.
  بشكل عام كتاب جيد.
• 
  طارقٌ

  كتاب جميل، يفتح آفاقك نحو ما يجب أن تعرفه عن شريك حياتك وما يجب أن تتناقشا بحياله قبل أن يتم الزواج..
• 
  Clarke

  Far too heteronormative. The only good section would be on how to apologise but otherwise it's very stereotypical and written in a sense that he likes the sound of his own voice.
• 
  NOUR

  Quand ma mère me proposait ce livre , elle ne savait pas que je viens juste de le terminer 💙
  Ce livre m'a bcp plu et il m'a inspiré à découvrir le fameux livre les 5 langages de l'amour, j'ai appris tant de choses, et des trucs que je considère très nécessaire avant de se marier, bref ce livre vient juste au bon moment.
• 
  Cristina-Elena

  Cartea contine niste sfaturi foarte utile pentru o mai buna intelegere a celor doi dintr-un cuplu. Dă de gândit și în același timp, oferă soluții la orice problemă, preîntâmpinând-o. Dupa fiecare capitol există un set de întrebări și exerciții foarte interesante.
• 
  Josh

  NOW I KNOW THEM. Checkmate, Chapman!
• 
  Liza Weichbrodt

  I was given this book about 6 years (right around the time my husband and I started dating) but failed to pick it up until recently. (Shame on me!) I had in the past read about The Five Love Languages and found that information to be very beneficial so I wanted to give this a shot.
  
  I have been married for about a year and 6 months now and so I am aware that I am not the typical audience who would read this book, however I found that was not an issue. The number 1 thing i liked about this book was that you could tailor the idea's in it to fit any current relationships. The segment on empathetic listening and apology languages I found I could use in other relationships as well. So in this aspect I enjoyed the book as it did help me learn to communicate more efficiently.
  
  However, this doesn't mean that it didn't have it's shortcomings. In some ways I felt that the overall voice of the book was over simplified. At one point I remember the author referring to the honey moon period as "the tingles" and being a bit perplexed by that terminology. Primary because I would assume that if someone has enough insight to pick up such a book that they hopefully would also understand basic relationship terms.
  
  I found as time went on that there were other bits and pieces of the book that didn't sit right with me. Many of his ideas (although very insightful) were presented in a rather black and white manner and so it was difficult for me to find bits of grey.
  
  The author speaks frequently about the idea of compromise in a relationship and how to make it work when certain issues arise. But this idea is only taken and applied to small issues within the marriage. Yet with larger issues such as differences in religion or finances there is barely any mention of compromise at all. These issues are painted in black and white and in some cases go against the very ideas that the book started off with.
  
  Now, of course no one should get married if they feel they don't sync up with their partner on a vast majority of issues however, I feel that part of unconditional love is coming up with creative solutions to the bigger problems and working your way around it.
  
  Although I would classify this book as a "Christian read" I was glad to see that it didn't shy away from the idea of sexual intimacy. I have seen many books about sex and many books about relationships but have rarely seen the two come together in one book. (A fatal flaw I find as it is hard to have a happy marriage without a combination of the two.) Another interesting factor that is introduced is that communication. emotion intimacy and sexual intimacy are connected. (I'm glad someone figured it out.)
  
  But in all seriousness I found that this read was rather quick but packed quite a punch which I appropriate because I don't have a massive amount of time to read anyway. I know that the idea of a religious book may be off putting to some but I would still recommend giving it a shot because I'm positive that you will learn at least one useful idea if you do.
  
  4/5 Stars (I'm sure I will reread it in the future)
• 
  Angela Marie

  it's great! my boyfriend and i read at least one chapter a week. we schedule specific time for us to read this book and go through it together. definitely recommend this for dating couples... or as the book says, even married couples, or single people!
  you can learn what to expect, the changes that can happen, wishes and desires. it also brings up great conversation, things you'd most definitely rather know before marriage.
  
  and don't think you don't need it! my boyfriend and i are the most open and communicative couple i can think of and we love this book, we find it very helpful and informative.
  
  enjoy!
• 
  Rachael Marsceau

  Chapman is more of a psychologist than a Christian mentor, so expect more "feelings" and "intuition" suggestions here than Scripture. Each chapter deals with a different aspect of marriage that took him by surprise, and that he hopes to help new couples deal with. Recommended as a supplement to more solid pre-marital books. ;)
• 
  Colleenish

  This short book about aspects of marriage to consider was really good. It perpetuated some generalizations about gender roles, but nothing too gnarly. Each chapter is a topic to consider before getting married. They are all common sense, but there's nothing wrong with that. It helped me to remember that it's normal to be different from your partner and for the differences to cause friction.
• 
  Isaac Abraham

  كتاب أكثر من رائع، عملي، حقيقي، لاغنى عنه لكل من يفكر أو يرغب في الارتباط. أجمل ما في هذا الكتاب هو واقعيته وخروجه عن النمطية الموجودة في معظم الكتب الشبيهة في مجتمعنا الشرقي.
• 
  Sara Sherzad

  A good book useful for even married couples not just those aiming marriage but I can not help see it too theoretical, with some practical exceptions.
• 
  Naomi Igna

  Conform piramidei lui Maslow, cea de a 3-a nevoie fundamentală a omului e nevoia de apartenență. Situată la mijloc, nevoia de a face parte dintr-un grup, de a avea o familie, este considerată a fi primitivă. La fel ne dovedește si Scriptura când ne relatează istoria formării celei dintâi familii: Adam și Eva.
  
  Întrebarea zilelor noastre ce stă pe buzele tuturor e: cum să aleg partenerul perfect? Sau mai dăm de altă întrebare care e la modă: cum îmi găsesc sufletul pereche? Cu toate că perfecțiunea și jumătatea sunt teme controversate și destul de subiective, putem face cel mai simplu și logic (de asemenea, și biblic) lucru: deschidem bine ochii!
  
  În perioada când ne îndrăgostim, inima tinde să preia controlul, dar nu e cel mai în��elept mentor când vine vorba de a lua decizii pe viață. Romantism minim, prietenie maximă. Pune întrebări, află cât mai multe despre stilul de viață al viitorului partener, ce principii, valori are. Vedeți dacă aveți aceiași viziune, aceleași credințe, dacă Dumnezeu v-a adus împreună pentru a merge pe un singur drum.
  
  Cartea de față abordează diferite subiecte, ajutându-vă să vă cunoașteți unul pe celălalt în domenii la care nu v-ați fi gândit înainte. Întrebările de la finalul fiecărui capitol vă va ajuta să vă deschideți, ceea ce nu poate fi decât un plus pentru relație. Pentru a avea o căsnicie binecuvântată, e important să investiți în cunoaștere încă din timpul curtării.
  
  RECOMAND!