| Title | : | The Gifts of Imperfection |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 159285849X |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9781592858491 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 137 |
| Publication | : | First published August 27, 2010 |
The Gifts of Imperfection Reviews
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I've read more than my fair share of "self-help" literature, so I can assert with conviction that this is not a self-help book. Instead, it's a revelation book. Each chapter triggered numerous "ah-Ha!" moments for me, because Dr. Brown goes a step (or two, or five) beyond the common way of looking at or framing an issue to reveal the interconnectedness of elements that stall or sabotage our efforts to live a more satisfying life. Instead of the "that doesn't quite resonate" vibe I often get from self-help books, Dr. Brown's perspectives ring true, and she re-labels certain attitudes and experiences in a way that's both startling and, importantly, hopeful. She gleans her insights from her research centered on living a "wholehearted" life, which grew out of her previous (perhaps ongoing?) study of "shame." The results that Dr. Brown presents in this slim, readable book are nothing short of fascinating, and they function not as a how-to manual for quickly fixing an out-of-balance life, but as a set of powerful tools with which to cultivate a richer, more fully engaged and connected life.
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You may have noticed a theme in my last couple posts. I'm rundown, overwhelmed and I realize that, while my priorities are right in my head, they aren't in reality. So the book I'm reviewing today really came at a perfect time in my own personal crisis. In fact, as I was reading along yesterday (yes, I totally procrastinated reading it due to other books taking up my precious little reading time) I thought to myself, "This book could be companion material for President Uchtdorf's talk at conference!" (I'm making President Uchtdorf's talk my personal touchstone until I really get it, by the way.)(Because I really don't get it yet.)
I devoured this book, pen in hand, and marked up much more than I usually do in any book. Starting with the very first paragraph of the introduction:
Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.
Seriously, I sat there staring at that paragraph for a full ten minutes as I let it sink in. How did the author know? How did she know that I equate my full plate--how much I get done in a day--to my self worth? How did she know how afraid I am to show my weaknesses (especially the weaknesses I haven't fully embraced yet)? How did she know that I often don't feel loved? Or that I don't feel like I really belong anywhere? How did she know?
And it dawned on me that maybe we all feel like this to an extent. And yet, I watch others and I am sure, absolutely sure, that they know something about living that I don't. And maybe they do...maybe they've figured out the secret that it's okay to be imperfect. But maybe they haven't.
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown is a book we all need to read. I admit, that whole thing about Who I Am vs. Who I Am Supposed to Be gets me every time. I think it's a fine line between embracing things I shouldn't embrace and being okay with where I am right now. I think that I should strive to be better, and maybe Who I Am is not good enough. So, I admittedly bristled a bit at the subtitle there.
But then, like I said, I read that first paragraph, and I realized it wasn't like that at all. This is learning to let go of the unnecessary shame we carry around that says we don't measure up. It doesn't mean we can't strive to become better. In fact, I think if we can let go of the shame by embracing our imperfections, we will actually become better faster. We will become more courageous. More compassionate. More connected.
The book is divided into 10 "guideposts" that can help us let go of unhealthy traits and embrace new, healthier ones. I particularly need to re-read Guidepost #7 "Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth" and Guidepost #9 "Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and 'Supposed To'" because sitting in my inbox right now are three e-mails that I really need to reply to. And the reply needs to be "No." But you have absolutely no idea how much anxiety even the thought of telling somebody I can't do something gives me. It's absolutely ridiculous!
I had more insights into myself while reading this book than I have had in a really long time. Shameful really. But I will own my weaknesses. You'll see.
Starting right now. -
I had to mark this as read to get if off my list. Actually I had to abort the read. Just could not relate to a word of it at all. I feel like this author is speaking a different language. I have a hard time believing anybody really CARES that much about what others think about them. It's amazing to me. A Whole book telling you it's OK if you're not who someone wants you to be?? I feel like saying "Get a life!"
I also Really had trouble with the writing. This author reminds us on almost every single page about her vast research or of how "professional" she is. I got about half way through and still did not find a single citation or any sort of documentation of Any research. When someone says, "I researched that" and then does not show evidence of Any research, it's about as valid as saying "I found that online" and so it must be true. The author was way too busy telling us of all her accomplishments without ever telling us what Exactly She Did. Couldn't read another page. Had to abort. Sorry. Anyone out there want my copy? Please take it.
A favorite Goodreads quote:
“You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt -
I really like Brene Brown--she gave a terrific and funny TED talk about her research concerning the importance of vulnerability, of imperfection, of failure, and so I read her book. I think her thesis is superb, her research about shame and wholeheartedness really interesting, and the message of the book necessary to modern life. But! I can't help it. I hoped for a little more "perfectionism" in the writing (and structuring! of the book as a whole) which could have used another round or two of editing. (I'm sorry, Brene! Old habits die hard.) STILL, it is an important idea and worth reading.
Two other wishes:
1. That she included us in the process of her research. I'd like to see some examples and learn better or more directly how she drew her conclusions. Call me a geek. I like the science of it, and I think it would make for a more interesting read.
2. I think she might enlarge her audience. It felt to me as though the book were written for the privileged--those employed in demanding dream jobs with financial stability and intact families. Don't those down on their luck need help with turning failure into opportunity? Not all of the book felt this way, but some of it did. I also wasn't a fan of the religious element--she seemed to enlarge the discussion for people of all faiths/no faith and then in another part return to her own. Perhaps this was not entirely bothersome as it is written from her point of view, in her voice, but these inclusions felt a little narrow and even shallow at times.
And, one last thing: I think a lot of self-help books are written for the spa set. I am not saying this book fits into that category entirely, but it feels like many do. After all, many people can't afford to scale back and are working several jobs just to buy orange juice and gas just now. (And health insurance? The cost of prescription drugs. And, good God, the student loan! And, foreclosures.) I read somewhere that the average income for a family of four is $40,000. Is that true? If it is, ! And, of course, too, many people are out of work or have work that in no way represents who they are because they have to have a job. So. ? Sometimes I think these books are a little out of touch. And, lack gratitude in fundamental ways: financial stability, a job of one's dreams. A roof over one's head. The ability to protect/feed/use preventative care/immunize etc. and educate and nurture one's children. Well. So, I have said it. And, perhaps it is unfair. It is not wrong to also think about oneself and to grow in important ways, no matter one's circumstances. But, one place that stood out to me in this text was a trip to the mall with her daughter, not having washed her hair and thrown it back with a headband I believe it was. There are some sparkling, clean women there with their children, and her daughter begins to dance to the music as they do in their kitchen at home, as a family. She decides not to allow the judgment of these women bother her and instead dances with her daughter to the music. On the surface, sort of sweet. Combatting the shame ? maybe? being messed up and dancing in public while people at least appear to think you are nuts (maybe they don't really and that is one's made-up fantasy, who knows?). BUT. I was thinking about another reader. What about the shame/vulnerability/feelings of failure or imperfection of not being able to afford a pair of shoes for one's daughter? And, apologizing to one's daughter walking by the women with shopping bags and children with new clothes? Or, not being able to go to the mall at all? Isn't it deeply fortunate to dance while shopping and return home with plenty or all one needs? hair unwashed or not? Still, I do think the central message of Brown's book is instructive and, as I said, important. But. ? I sometimes think these books lack a sense of perspective or proportion. -
Update:
This book changed my life. Dramatic as it sounds, it's true.
I wrote this on Brené's Facebook page:
"Brené,
I've just about finished your book "The Gifts of Imperfection" which I discovered after watching you speak on TED talks and I can honestly say that this book is helping me completely change my life.
I suffer(ed) from a condition called Dermatillomania (
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dermatil...) and I've tried everything from therapists, medication and herbal supplements to help manage the condition. While I have been able to make substantial progress with it I ultimately I have relapses which used to be extremely damaging to my confidence my emotional health and physical appearance. I was my worst enemy and I could beat myself up relentlessly. Everything that I was doing wasn't helping me deter the triggers which caused me to pick my skin and this book has made everything so clear to me. I knew that I needed to be nicer to myself and change the expectations that I had for myself which all evolved around perfectionism but I had no idea how or even why I had these ideas and beliefs in the first place. Your book has helped me feel worthy again and that the root of my beliefs wasn't because I was completely crazy or extremely mentally ill and for this I cannot thank you enough.
I've found that a lot of people who suffer from this disorder have no sense of self worth and are unable to practice self-compassion. I'm on a few support groups on Facebook and I've done nothing but praise your book and push people within the group to read it. I've learned that no amount of medication or even therapy can change your inner thoughts, or gremlins as you term it, and that it does need to be practiced. I've be trying to tell those in my support group that beating themselves up has not worked thus far so it's time for them to try another tactic! Practicing compassion for themselves.
While I know that I cannot completely rid myself of my condition I do know that I can control how I feel about it and how I treat myself in regards to it with the help of your work. I will continue to spread your work through the Dermatillomania community in hopes that your teachings will spread faster than the negative ones that currently occupy that space and help sufferers live more Wholehearted lives.
Thank you. Truly.
Sincerely,
Danielle"
~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw Brené Brown talk on TED talks (
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_...) and she really spoke to me. I had to hear more of what she had to say. I'm a struggling perfectionist who doesn't want to feel vulnerable or weak and I want to know how to accept these feelings into my life so that I don't feel frustrated and angry about them. Looking forward to reading this book! -
I don't normally read books found in the self-help category. Nothing against the category; I've just found that my path to self-knowledge needs a different process. Still, every few years I give one a try, and a friend's review of The Gifts of Imperfection happened to catch me at the right moment. It was serendipitous because I was just at the moment where this made a profound impact.
"Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?”
I'm a knowledge geek who definitely approaches everything head-first. This is often a very successful way to interact in the knowledge society, particularly those of academia and medicine, but lends itself to certain deficits that have become obvious as I work through some caregiver burnout and moral injury.
"Knowledge is important, but only if we’re being kind and gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are. Wholeheartedness is as much about embracing our tenderness and vulnerability as it is about developing knowledge and claiming power."
What exactly does Brown do in this book? She draws upon her history as a shame researcher to pinpoint trouble-spots in our individual and cultural psyche that can lead us to unhealthy mental pathways. One of the things I appreciated, particularly after reading a book like
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, is that she takes care to define the terms she's working with. This is definitely the researcher at work: "I think it’s critically important to define the gauzy words that are tossed around every day but rarely explained. And I think good definitions should be accessible and actionable." That statement warmed my researcher heart--at least, if it could be warmed.
These are short little chapters that take a quick look at some of the different topics about living more fearlessly. The first couple of chapters are basically background material, and the rest are divided into 'Guideposts.' Each chapter begins with a quote, then follows with a mix of both research-based and anecdotal information. The chapters end with a few ideas or thought projects on how to integrate the concepts into the reader's own life.
Honestly, I had not thought much about the concept of shame in my life, but Brown provides some interesting insight. Based on the idea that shame "needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment," she offers a path to building 'shame resilience.' One piece is to work on self-awareness, identifying the feeling and practicing mindfulness by asking why that feeling would appear. Another piece is to let go of the silence/secrecy by owning our stories and not letting other people write the narrative. "From gangs to gossiping, we’ll do what it takes to fit in if we believe it will meet our need for belonging. But it doesn’t. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’re embraced for who we are." Another piece is to practice self-compassion, something I'm particularly deficient in. Compassion for others? No problem. But I'm an independent, highly self-reliant Gen-Xer that should be able to manage all by myself. Brown walks me through the process of understanding why that doesn't work for what she calls the wholehearted life.
Later in the book she shares a discussion with a researcher on hope:
"Hope is not an emotion; it’s a way of thinking or a cognitive process. Emotions play a supporting role, but hope is really a thought process made up of what Snyder calls a trilogy of goals, pathways, and agency. In very simple terms, hope happens when we have the ability to set realistic goals. (I know where I want to go.) We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes."
As a health care professional, I've always struggled with the idea of 'hope' as most people apply it. I found her adopted definition appealing. On the other side, she quickly points out my strategy of planning for loss leaves something to be desired:
"We think if we can beat vulnerability to the punch by imagining loss, we’ll suffer less."
It's also worth noting that she often integrates gender-awareness, such as when she discusses authenticity: "I also found that men and women struggle when their opinions, feelings, and beliefs conflict with our culture's gender expectations. For example, research on the attributes taht we associate with 'being feminine' tells us that some of the most important qualities for women are thin, nice, and modest. That means if women want to play it totally safe, we have to be willing to stay as small, quiet, and attractive as possible.
When looking at the attributes associated with masculinity, the researchers identified these as important attributes for men: emotional control, primacy of work, control over women and pursuit of status. That means if men want to play it safe, they need to stop feeling, start earning, and give up on meaningful connection." (Aside: yes, I know this seems self-evident to many of us. But it's a point to consider when one is talking about the pressure to just 'get along' in a way that might result in inauthenticity, and it's validating to be reminded of that). At any rate, having done a mindfulness class that was gender-blind, it is refreshing to have that acknowledged. In regards to other inclusiveness, I can't speak to how it may relate to non-white, middle-class perspectives, but I think it's better at being economic-blind then ethnically blind.
There's a lot of good stuff in here. While she notes that many of her own issues come out of a 'perfectionist' approach to life, I think the concepts of shame, compassion, and vulnerability are ones we should all be able to relate to, as well as deep ideas of authenticity and life meaning. I also appreciate that Brown is also very open about her own mental/spiritual health work and doesn't take a top-down didactic approach.
TLDR; if any of the above resonates, buy it if you are ready to do some personal growth work. You'll find yourself referring to it again and again. I did. -
It’s true, I’m a sucker for social science research: the human mind just intrigues me like there is not tomorrow; and the emotional side even more so than the rational one. After accidentally seeing Brené Brown’s TED speech for a second time this week, I was intrigued enough to pick up her books.
Unfortunately her book is nowhere near as exciting. First of all, for someone who claims to be an obsessive organizer, there is a remarkable lack of structure in her book. It seems more like a collection of blog posts than anything else, and near the end I started wondering what the topic of her book actually was.
In her talks she is forced to distill and focus for 20minutes, but in the book her editor seemed to have let her run wild. And it’s a shame. She has a few really nice insights, but she gets stuck in trying to put everything into neat definitions, and the actual stories and research trends disappear in obscurity. I really couldn’t care less about her personal definition of joy versus happiness, I’d rather learn more about how it all happens between our ears. -
I love Brene brown! Her message is always clear and heartwarming. Putting herself out there by being honest about her own struggles makes the text even better. Read this if you’re always stressed, hard on yourself or feel shame often. Or read it if everyday life gets too much sometimes.
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So I'm just going to be honest and vulnerable with you all. I have issues with not being good enough, being vulnerable, and not being worthy because I'm not what society says I should be. However, with this book, which reads more like an epiphany than a self help book, I'm coming to realize that no one is perfect, and you know what? That's ok.
The writing style is very conversational. It's like you're sitting in a coffeeshop, talking over steaming cups of coffee. The author does not talk down to the reader at all, and I find it refreshing that she shares so much of herself in this book and how she made this journey to being vulnerable and not being perfect. I would definitely recommend! -
I liked this enough to now want to buy a physical copy. It’s accessible, relatable and honest.
“Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?” -
She makes it feel and seem so easy!
the main message here is: Let go of your insecurities,expectations, shame, guilt, discomfort. Happy people are happy because they make themselves happy, they are the ones who think of themselves as worthy of love. you're IMPERFECT Embrace it.
“Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
“When I let go of trying to be everything to everyone, I had much more time, attention, love, and connection for the important people in my life.”
“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”
i disagree. feeling pain doesn't make you grateful or make you feel joy, it's hard to give EVERYTHING with no guarantee and nothing in return. it sucks. i loved most of this book but i disagreed with the author on some points, Great quick read! i highly recommend -
من همیشه به کتابهایی از این دست بدبین بودهام؛ شاید به دلیل یک پیشداوری قدیمی و شاید هم به دلیل برخورد با کتابهای به اصطلاح «زرد» در حوزه روانشناسی و رشدفردی. با وجود این، چندی پیش همسرم به من مطالعۀ این کتاب را پیشنهاد داد. من از همان کودکی با مشکل «کمالگرایی» د��ت به گریبان بودهام و هنوز هم همچنان دچار این مشکل هستم و چه بسا مشکلم شدیدتر هم شده باشد. خواندن این کتاب برای من به مثابۀ یک تلنگر دوسویه بود: از یک سو به من تلنگر زد که همۀ کتابهای این حوزه را با چوب «کتاب زرد» نرانم، و از سوی دیگر به من تلنگر زد که به طور جدی در زمینه رشدفردی و به ویژه مقابله با کمالگرایی به مطالعه بپردازم و رفتهرفته بکوشم با بهرهگیری از این دسته کتابها، حداقل تا آنجا که ممکن است با مسائلی همچون کمالگرایی مبارزه کنم. به هر روی این کتاب را دوست داشتم، برایم تازگی داشت و بسیار سودمند بود و مرا با فضای جدید آشنا کرد. از این بحثهای کلی که بگذرم، خودِ این کتاب هم روان و جالب و خواندنی بود و هم دلنشین و سودمند. نویسنده در جای جای کتاب به تجربیات شخصی خودش اشاره کرده و شکستها و موفقیتها و اشتباهات خودش را برای ما بیان کرده و با این روش هم به نوعی یک فضای خودمانی و واقعی برای خواننده ایجاد کرده، و هم یک الگوی عملی به دست داده برای ارزیابی زندگی و دیدگاههای خودمان و اقدام برای رفع مشکلاتمان. به نظرم نویسنده میتوانست بیشتر به تکنیکها و راهکارهای عملی برای مبارزه با کمالطلبی اشاره کند و حتی در پایان هر فصل تعدادی تمرین عملی هم بیاورد تا خواننده بیشتر و بیشتر با کتاب درگیر شود. روی هم رفته کتاب خیلی خوبی بود و از خواندن آن خشنودم.
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Wholehearted living- that’s a mouthful. 😉 It takes a level of bravery to recognize one’s own pitfalls. I appreciate the effort and dedication of the processes and research. With that said, I enjoy watching her speak more than reading the text. 🤓 Her delivery and passion is infectious.
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این کتاب خودیاری میتونست به نوعی کلیشه و معمولی باشه اما نبود. چرا؟ نقطهی قوتش خودافشاییهای بهجا و جذاب برنی براون بود.
خیلی جالب بود و ازش بسیار اموختم. به همه توصیه میکنم حداقل یک بار بخوننش.
جذابترین قسمتهاش برای من در مورد موضوعاتی مثل شجاعت، شفقت و شرم بود.
+ من کتاب رو با ترجمه اکرم کرمی خوندم که بعضی قسمتها روون نبود.
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یادگاری از کتاب:
شجاعت یعنی صادقانه و بیپرده صحبت کردن درباره آنچه هستیم، آنچه احساس میکنیم و آنچه تجربه میکنیم، چه خوب و چه بد.
...
شجاعت تاثیر موجی دارد هر بار که آن را تمرین میکنیم، حال اطرافیان ما کمی بهتر و دنیا کمی شجاعتر میشود.
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فقط زمانی میتوانیم به قلمرو تاریک دیگران قدم بگذاریم که با تاریکی وجود خود آشنا باشیم.
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هسته اصلی شفقت، پذیرش است. هر چه خود و دیگران را بهتر بپذیریم، مشفقتر خواهیم شد.
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آیا بهتر نیست مهربانتر اما قاطعتر باشیم؟
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بزرگترین چالشی که در مقابل اکثر ما قرار دارد این است که باور کنیم هماکنون و در همین لحظه ارزشمندیم.
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تعلقپذیری عبارت است از میل ذاتی انسان برای آنکه بخشی از یک ماهیت بزرگتر باشد.
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به خود عشق ورزیدن، یعنی یاد بگیریم چگونه به خود اعتماد کنیم، چگونه به خود احترام بگذاریم و چگونه نسبت به خود مهربان باشیم.
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اولین نکتهای که لازم است در مورد شرم بدانیم این است که هر چه کمتر درباره آن حرف بزنیم، بیشتر بر ما غلبه میکند.
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احساس شرم در برخورد با ادمها پیش میآید و در بین آدمها ترمیم میشود.
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بين شرم و احساس گناه چه تفاوتی وجود دارد؟ اکثر درمانگران بالینی و پژوهشگران با این عقیده موافقند که بهترین راه برای درک تفاوت این دو، درک تفاوت بین این دو جمله است: «من بد هستم» و «من کار بدی انجام دادهام.»
احساس گناه = من کار بدی انجام دادهام.
احساس شرم = من بد هستم.
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ای ای کامینگز نوشته است: «در دنی��یی که شب و روز تلاش میشود تا از ما، کسی غیر از خودمان بسازند، خود بودن و خود ماندن سختترین نبردی است که انسان میتواند داشته باشد.
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وقتی با خود مهربانتر شویم و خود را بیشتر دوست بداریم میتوانیم کامل نبودنمان را بپذیریم.
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بتوانیم اهداف واقع بینانه تعیین کنیم (میدانم کجا میخواهم بروم). بدانیم چگونه میتوان به آن اهداف دست یافت (میدانم چطور به آنجا برسم، استقامت میورزم، میتوانم شکست را تحمل کنم و دوباره تلاش کنم) و خود را باور داشته باشیم (من میتوانم این کار را انجام دهم). بنابراین امیدواری ترکیبی از هدفگذاری، استقامت و پیگیری و باور به توانمندیهای خود است. نکته تکمیلی درباره امیدواری این است که این ویژگی اکتسابی است!
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مردم مانند شیشههای رنگی و نقشدار پنجرهاند. وقتی نور خورشید میتابد آنها میدرخشند و برق میزنند، اما وقتی تاریکی شب فرا میرسد، زیبایی آنها در صورتی نمایان میشود که نوری از درون، آنها را روشن کند.
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خوشحالی نوعی جو یا حال و هوایی است که گاه، وقتی خوش شانس باشید، مدتی را در آن سر میکنید، حال آنکه شادی نوری است که شما را سرشار از امید، ایمان و عشق میکند.
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شهود درک مستقیم حقیقت، بدون توسل به استدلال است.
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نقطهی مقابل بازی کار نیست بلکه افسردگی است.
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برای غلبه بر تردیدها به خود، بایدها و انتظارات، باید به پیامهای درون خود گوش فرا دهیم. چه چیز ما را میترساند؟ -
Listening to this book, I felt like I was being lectured to by the kind of person who concludes her cell-phone's voicemail with the word, 'namaste' -- a Hindi word that means 'I acknowledge the divine in you.' Actually, 'namaste" also signifies that its user knows an exotic Asian concept-word. (Total aside, but in my experience, chronic 'namaste' sayers tend to be impatient and prone to pedantic rages, when life hits them between the eyes with two-by-fours of difficulty and stress; I don't know why that is. Perhaps, like me, chronic 'namaste' sayers aspire to a higher way of life that is simply beyond their ability when they are in pain, and suffering.) Learn from me, says the word 'namaste,' let me guru you.
Let me guru you. That’s the simplest way to understand Gifts of Imperfection. This is the kind of book that does two simultaneous, paradoxical things:
One. Gifts of Imperfection offers hope. The hope of a little respite from the harsh, perfectionistic voice in your head that criticizes not only you but every living soul in your purview, and that seeks, simultaneously, to raise you above those whom you’re castigating and criticizing, including your very own self (which, when you consider it, is weird). That’s the first thing. And it's a good thing. Two stars for that, I say.
Second. Gifts of Imperfection not too subtly points out that you've made a fecal mess of your life on life's carpet. The book then basically kind of grabs you by the back of your neck and pushes your nose down toward the mess; your nose hovers inches over the glistening pile, a pile the consistency of a very deep-brown chocolatey softserve, coiled, too, like softserve, and then says to you (i.e., the book does) Do Not Do That Again. But, being human, of course you're going to do it again. And when you do, expect the book to shove your nose down toward the mess again (which is highly adhesive, the pile is, and it threatens to stick).
I felt relieved to be done with the book. It felt good to get out from under it and see the sunshine again. -
This book is basically meaningless and worthless to me.
Not due to any fault on Brown's part, but simply because I do not need or want self-help books. She seems to be focusing on a reader that is obsessed with her own flaws or who is a perfectionist and self-hater. I am none of these things.
I just found the book extremely boring.
That being said, I did find two passages I liked:
Shame loses power when it is spoken.
True. Talking about what makes you a 'shameful person' really frees you and often helps you see that you are not alone.
For example, research on the attributes that we associate with "being feminine" tells us that some of the most important qualities for women are thin, nice, and modest. That means if women want to play it totally safe, we have to be willing to stay as small, quiet, and attractive as possible.
When looking for the attributes associated with masculinity, the researchers identified these as important attributes for men: emotional control, primacy of work, control over women, and pursuit of status. That means if men want to play it safe, they need to stop feeling, start earning, and give up on meaningful connection.
True. -
I read this after geeking out hard because of her TED talk. I think there is a certain point in some these books where you have to have a big fold out section that says in type as big as your face: DO YOU HAVE MONEY? and also DO YOU HAVE A FAMILY? and if you say no, the last 25% of the book will disintegrate or turn into dust. The first 75% was great, relevant, filled with good thoughts and information and quotable stuff. Then she gets to the "my husband's on call a lot" and "my kids dance in the kitchen" and "we all took a day off of work." So. There is a point in your life where this is perfect to read and makes sense and is relevant. There is another point where you feel like this is a beautiful woman complaining that her dates all go to long and the guys she meets love her too much and sometimes her chauffeur gets places too quickly. This is only the last 25%. Still. I cannot relate to it and maybe felt shamed? Who knows. Me. But whatever. I guess part of it is that the beginning is so universal, that you feel like the end is universal too, so if you don't relate to the end, you were kidding yourself about relating to the beginning you disgusting fatbag. Get injections OF SOMETHING.
Also, I guess I'd like to hear the thoughts you have to fight to, say, dance with your kid in the kitchen, which I guess to me is comically bragging about a perfect family. Because I'm interested in what she has to conquer to do those things, and in the beginning I think it is clear what she's fighting.
Also I think it is admirable not to eviscerate your family, but I guess it is weird to read a book so balanced about feeling insane and then is is all just flat positive about her husband and her children, who have to be annoying sometimes or she's leaving out "they are robots."
Also the whole notion of "I couldn't have made it without my husband" kind of says to me "you can't make it" and also slips into "aww, someone chose you!" A, yes you could have made it. It would have been horrible and awful and maybe you'd have to have a degree of government assistance you were not banking on, I would guess. Or some totally unimagined part of the world and people, something, will open up to you. B, the whole idea that romantic partners are never annoying is a kind of pretend jail. My husband Terry and I talk about this all the time while he tidies up and I donate to charity.
Here are titles I would like to find:
"Am I a Dickhead?" Solving the Essential Question With the Only True Answer: "A Little Bit, But It's Okay." -
Starting the year 2021 with this unique book “The Imperfect Gifts by Brené Brown.” Unraveling wholehearted life guideposts, 10 of them, is unlike any other self-help books but illustrated with Brené’s personal examples of her own stories. Readers get a feel of reading a memoir rather than just getting pointers to improve and reinvent their own lives. The book focuses on the lack of worthiness and shame and using those vulnerable moments for a turning point and breakthrough.
For someone who always strives for perfection to feel worthy and valuable, following Brené’s struggles with her own lack of worthiness and how she, through her research, to overcome inadequacy is ultimately relatable and authentic. I have seen people around me tried to BE all and everything. We want to be great friends, beautiful partners, competent employees, having an accomplished career, amazing parents, and …. filial children. In contrast, playing out those roles as correctly as we endeavor, somehow, feelings of shame or inadequacy mess up our heads. Brené emphasizes individual worthiness even when we don’t become ALL that or be everything we hoped for. It is OK to be vulnerable and be WHO we are.
I loved the humor interlacing with facts that makes the information easy to follow, relate, and agreeable. Though, be ready for some scratchy but friendly honesties that might poke your pride. A Chinese idiom goes, “A good medicine tastes bitter,” which I think best describes this book.
I’m looking forward to a new mindset as I tread gently into the new year, anticipating more inner freedom, more acceptance of myself, and knowing the fact that being imperfect doesn't make one less worthy. -
4 stars
"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."
non-fiction challenge -
Update: I thought this book was 'fair'. The structure of the chapters was too repetitive. Plus, more personal stories needed to be added to make the book feel more human.
Yesterday I started listening to "Rising Strong" by this same author. I had no idea she was the same author as this book, nor did I know that this book, and "Rising Strong", is part of a trilogy. I highly doubt that it matters.
I'm getting much more enjoyment - with Brene Brown's gentle kick in the ass messages from "RISING STRONG", than I did this book. RISING STRONG is not
Elementary "Have You Life Work 101".... It's the advance course.....
with some nitty-gritty-useful tips. If you are pissed as hell -- can't imagine facing your mother-in-law for all the free books in China... Listening to Brene speak to you ( reading her book )....will have you at least look much more closely at your own 'stops'.
I'll write a review on "Rising Strong" once I'm done listening t the audio book...
But in my opinion .. You do not need to read "The Gifts of imperfection", in order to graduate to "Rising Strong".
Skip a grade ... (LISTEN TO), "Rising Strong", ... rather than 'read this' book. There are more stories & more empowering tools for your tool belt!
OLDER REVIEW:
I've owned this thin little book for many years. I stopped and started it many times.
I kept it in the bathroom..
Maybe I'll read it there!
So.., now, with tons of time on my hands to read..(home in my Pink leg cast)... I said to myself....
"Ok, let's get serious"...
So... I finally read this wisdom book ..."YOUR GUIDE TO A WHOLEHEARTED LIFE"
Mostly.... I was bored! I think by age, (63 next week), I just don't need to spend a lot of time
"Letting Go of Who I Think I Am to Embrace Myself".
I was't crazy with the style of the chapters and the 'jargon/lingo'. For example, the author repeats herself ...over and over that when people are overwhelmed they should dig deep: DIG...(deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, and stating their intentions; be inspired to make new and different choices, and GET GOING!). ...
In other words take ACTION!
That's all fine... And maybe I'm being cynical here, but to read that after every chapter... Is too predictable, two one dimensional, and just doesn't feel powerful after certain point. Also, I personally don't spend a great amount of time worrying what other people think of me,....
( I mean it's nice to feel closeness - connections - and generally have people like you), but I don't go out of my way thinking about it one way or another. If anything... I love to notice what I adore about other people! I'm clear... By this age... I'm not trying to change anyone.. Nor am I asking for others to change me.
I sincerely was trying to find a some value, since I was reading this book and there was one section that did standout to me:
It was a section about "boundaries and compassion ". The author claims that a barrier to compassion is the fear of setting boundaries..... And holding people accountable.
Understanding the connection between boundaries, accountability, acceptance, and compassion allows us to accept others - and ourselves more: the ways they are... no need to fix their problems... Nothing to blame...
And rather than act 'sweet' on the outside.., but be bitter and resentful and on the inside, better to be kinder, but firmer, less angry.... And more accountability.
This is particularly useful with parenting, and in business situations.
Overall... This book wasn't awful...( of course not), yet... I didn't feel moved or inspired or transformed. 'Maybe'.... A little more validated on the ways I already live my life...(so this is not a bad thing).
This book-- in the right hands-- at the right time- for the right person... Might be a perfect match!
If more 'stories' about people's lives were included... I might have enjoyed reading this more!
Always love a 'story! -
I felt that the author's writing and insights were somewhat disjointed and scattered. The book didn't flow well from beginning to end and has a serious drop off in relevance in the final chapters. I did think a lot of the advice was truly useful and important, but this information was given in small snippets amongst a large amount of other information which was less useful and not very helpful.
It bothered me that throughout the book that the author kept talking about the years and years of qualitative research she had performed (the basis for all of her conclusions) and yet she does not include one single story, case study, interview, or even anecdote from all this research. Instead, only her personal stories serve to make her points. Sometimes they work and sometimes not so much. At each chapter I was hoping for more illustrative examples to help me understand the author's point.
The author references a lot of other researchers and their work. Their conclusions were some of the more insightful parts of the book.
I think that the book is just okay. It's a quick read that does a lot of meandering about while explaining some important topics. The advice given is generally good, but not entirely groundbreaking. -
It's really quite perplexing how this book gets good ratings, huge sales and has started sort of a personality fad for it's author.
It's probably one of the most self aggrandizing and vapid pop psychology books I 've ever read. There's really nothing here that you won't find in other books of the genre much better expressed and explained, a lot of times from the actual originators of these ideas that she takes credit for here with her phantom research. She does a mess with them btw, mixing concepts up and treating everything superficially.
Shockingly bad and puzzlingly successful, what an awful combination. -
I had to read this for work, but even without the burden of assigned reading, I would not have liked this book. It feels slight, filled with padded stories about shame and vulnerability and the author's reaction to said shame and vulnerability. (And sometimes the author's reaction to her reaction to the shame. Sigh.)
I shall now summarize the book's precepts: Feel Good About Yourself. Be Compassionate and Grateful. Blah blah Laugh Dance Love blah blah.
The book is only about 130 pages and can be read in less than an hour, but I was still irritated about the time I spent on this. To be fair to Ms. Brown, friends have said some of her other books are better and more weighty. I have not read her other works, but I say you can skip this one. -
I am having a hard time writing this review, probably for two reasons. First of all, there is so much that I liked in this book that I know I will be reading it again. If the copy I read had been mine, I might have underlined most of the book.
The second reason that I am struggling here is that I haven't done anything with what I have learned. I have now read two books by Brown; she has pointed out some things I need to be doing for myself and I am resisting following her lead. I know that being more shame resilient and paying attention to the person I am will be difficult and I just don't want to face the difficulties.
On the other hand, I want to be who I am and stop striving to follow what other people say I am or should be. So, what is in The Gifts of Imperfection is really important to me. Brown says that owning our story is easier than running from it. I am still not sure I believe her.
I recommend this book to those who are looking for a way to embrace where they are; to readers of self-help books for I think this is one of the best and I would like to figure out how to recommend this to some people at work.
I am going to keep thinking about this quote,
"The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."
and hopefully reread this book soon. It is definitely worth my time and effort. -
I like to listen to/read at least one Brene Brown book a year to remind me that I'm human. And you're human. And we're all imperfectly perfect that way.
Even though her books and lectures have helped me tremendously, I (like Dr. Brown herself) question the shelving of them as "self help." She's a researcher sharing her findings on shame and wholehearted living in a way that make them easily applicable to everyday life.
She's given her fans a gift by circling back and updating an earlier work, The Gifts of Imperfection, with this 10th Anniversary Edition. She's added a new introduction and finally narrated the audiobook herself, but the text itself has remained the same. If you're not familiar with her research, I recommend watching her TED Talks and then picking up this book. You won't regret it. -
If the biggest challenges you face in life are akin to the "shame" of arriving late for your daughter's school play, and if you can find comfort in a couple of women patting you on the back saying "it's all right dear, once I forgot to bake cookies for my son".... then maybe you'll find wisdom in this heavy dose of rather nauseating, mommy-soaked, goody-goody, goddy-goddy saccharine. (Also, all the cutesie mommy-kiddy stories irritated me. What are you, some 21st century Stepford wife? Is this what feminism has come to?)
OK, I didn't get very far in this book, but judging from the reviews it doesn't improve. I really wanted to like this book. I was drawn by the title. I do have issues with feeling imperfect (and no, not because I forgot to bake cookies). So I was hoping for at least a couple of nuggets to chew on.
This book is clearly in the cheerleading category of self-help, rather than the psychotherapeutic. If you want some mild encouragement and some cute quotes to put on your fridge door, maybe this is for you. If you are struggling with darker issues, you probably won't find answers here.
To the author, if you're reading this review, I'm [a bit] sorry if it hurts your feelings, but I get the feeling you're riding a gravy train based on TEDtalks, and that kinda gets my back up.
I'm getting tired of all the ra-ra blah-blah books about Courage and Compassion and Mindfulness and living from the heart etc. etc. Life is often a bit more complicated than that. Maybe I really am turning into a grumpy old woman.
Like this review? Why not check out my book review site:
BelEdit Book Reviews? -
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown -- Your Guide To A Wholehearted Life
**Because the nature of the book, this review turned out be more like a summary than a review, and it ended up being much longer than I expected. Thank you for reading!
I am forever grateful for Dr. Brene Brown -- her message, research, and work really makes sense to me and resonate with me. I have read all of her books and each one of them has had a profound impact in my life in their own ways. I read this years ago, but after much deliberation, I decided to re-read it as my first book of the year to start off the year strong. Last summer, I read “Braving the Wilderness,” which was so profound, then I thought of reading her new book, “Daring to Lead” as my first book of the year. However, I thought it’d be great to re-visit all her books, one per each month first to refresh my mind before delving into that. Hard to believe that this book has been out for almost ten years, but it seems to be more important and relevant than ever. We’re living in a fast-paced, overwhelming information age, and perfectly curated social media society, that bombards us with so many external messages that makes us feel like we’re not good enough internally. We’re constantly worrying, comparing, and judging, and that fear and shame of feeling never good enough prevents us from being our authentic selves, owning our own story, and feeling worthy. I think it’s absolutely critical that we all practice self-love & care more than ever. And I’m also thinking about the younger generation growing up with social media, I think they have it real tough. I grew up without any social media until late high school, and I am so grateful for that. It’s so important for parents to lead with example, teach them the importance of self-acceptance & love and to be authentic selves.
SO POWERFUL!!! ----> “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy – the experiences that makes us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of light."
After years of studying, researching, and writing about vulnerability, shame, and fear, Brown noticed a pattern among the people who were living a “wholehearted” life through processing thousands of stories collected. After analyzing the data, realization that she wasn’t living a wholehearted life herself, Brown decided to do further research and create a guidebook to help people pursue the wholehearted life.
According to Brown, “Wholehearted living is about engaging our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.’” To cultivate worthiness, we have to practice courage, compassion, and connection aka “The Gifts of Imperfection” daily. Brown states, “When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness. Our sense of worthiness is the important piece that gives us access to love and belonging, essential to human experience. If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.” Brown also delves into things that get in the way of wholehearted living, such as fear, shame, and disconnect more in depth in the book.
Through the research, Brown found ten common factors among the people who were living a “wholehearted” life (listed below). Each guidepost has a dig deep section. According to Brown, “dig-deep button is a secret level of pushing through when we’re exhausted and overwhelmed, and when there’s too much to do and too little time for self-care.” Brown found that the Wholehearted people dig deep differently – they get deliberate, inspired, and going. Brown does great job of explaining concepts, ideas, and research process, it all makes sense to me. What I really appreciate about the way she presents her work is it’s easy to grasp, understand, and applicable to real life. She’s also a great storyteller, combing research with her personal stories with honesty, candor, and warmth. She doesn’t just tell you what to do, but rather connect with you. I get that not everyone may like her approach, research, and work, but there’s so much to learn from her, and I find what she’s doing incredible important. And just bringing awareness and shining light on the difficult topics, we can start to have conversation, open up, and let go of some of the heavy burden of hiding ourselves. This book is a great start, and I hope she continues to do important researches and write books to help many people. I highly recommend this book. I believe there's something beneficial for everyone.
Ten Guideposts for Wholehearted Living: (highly recommend the book to learn more about each guide posts in depth.)
1. Guidepost #1: Cultivating Authenticity – Letting Go of What People Think
2. Guidepost #2: Cultivating Self-Compassion -- Letting Go of Perfectionism
3. Guidepost #3: Cultivating a Resilient Spirit – Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
4. Guidepost #4: Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
5. Guidepost #5: Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith – Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
6. Guidepost #6: Cultivating Creativity – Letting Go of Comparison
7. Guidepost #7: Cultivating Play and Rest – Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth.
8. Guidepost #8: Cultivating Calm and Stillness – Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
9. Guidepost #9: Cultivating Meaningful Work – Letting Go Self-Doubt and “Supposed To”
10. Guidepost #10: Cultivating Laughter, Songs, and Dance – Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”
Other Helpful Resources:
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Author's Website
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Ted Talk -- Power of Vulnerability
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Super Soul Sunday with Oprah -- Dr. Brené Brown: The 2 Most Dangerous Words in Your Vocabulary
Other Books by Brene Brown:
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I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame (2007)
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Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (2012)
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Rising Strong (2015)
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Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone (2017)
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Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. (2018) -
نفس الهراء والنصائح المعلبة التي تجدها في معظم كتب تنمية الذات
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Brene Brown tries to distill her research and reporting what she found are the differences between "wholehearted" people and the rest of us running-scared-dogs.
What she doesn't do is make it any easier for us to bridge the gap between where we are and where we'd like to be. She claims she made some serious attitude shifts through a year of intensive therapy, then wraps up each chapter with some easy (and unfounded in her research) platitudes and daily affirmations about "digging deep". Which are complete bullshit, only useful as tiny nudges once you've already crossed the chasm. Nobody leaps across the Grand Canyon with a push mower, they do it with a rocket-propelled vehicle.
I guess I shouldn't be mad at the author - perhaps "your guide to a wholehearted life" shouldn't be construed as actual, practical, research-grounded techniques to start breaking down the walls of perfectionism and defensiveness. Maybe it's a guidebook for those who are already living a wholehearted life, rather than a map to help the rest of us navigate our way there.
Like this: "Get Inspired...I'm inspired by this quote from writer and researcher Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: 'People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if here is a light from within.' I really do believe the light that I saw within the resilient people I interviewed was their spirit. I love the idea of being 'lit from within'."
Exactly what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Repeat this as a mantra multiple times a day until I've collapsed under the weight of its insipidness, and give in to Brown's Christian God (or her Abstinence and Twelve Steps)? Oh yeah, did you know that the researcher who's professing a release from the addiction of vulnerability is a twelve steps addict? AA doesn't get its power from releasing you from addiction - it just substitutes one addiction for another, and makes sure you don't have agency until you give up your agency and let some variation of 'God' own you.
Gratitude notes?
Faith and spirituality?
Is this why this book was endorsed by Oprah Winfrey Network?
This book didn't do what I wanted. I don't know that this means the book is shit, or my attitude is shit. But I'm betting on the former.
