Not Becoming My Mother: and Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way by Ruth Reichl

Not Becoming My Mother: and Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way Reviews

• 
  Jason Koivu

  Expecting a comedic Shit My Dad Says diversion? Keep moving. Not Becoming My Mother is not the book you're looking for.
  
  Having read another of food critic Ruth Reichl's books, I rashly assumed this too would be light-hearted and humorous. It's not. In fact, it's a rather depressing look at the repression that became the keystone of her mother's life. Instead of quirky-funny stories about a mad-capped mom as might be expected by the first few pages, the reader is treated to sad tales of psychotherapy and antidepressant drug addiction.
  
  While not a hoot of a read by any means, this is an insightful cautionary tale, the sort to give any feminist the willies. Ruth's mother grew up in a time when American women fought for suffrage rights, were not allowed into the male-dominated business world, tasted the ironic freedom of hard labor during WWII, and then had it taken away and replaced with the surprising drudgery of doing absolutely nothing. A life of idle boredom was the spoils of war for middle class women in America, and the long, slow death of Ruth's once creative and ambitious mother.
  
  Through discovered letters, Ruth pieces together her mother's past, learning the hows and whys behind her mother's odd behavior. Not Becoming My Mother is at times touching and heartbreaking. It is also short and feels a tad perfunctory, like a feature story Reichl the journalist extended beyond the normal allotted newspaper article word count.
• 
  Book Concierge

  5***** and a ❤
  
  Reichl’s mother Miriam was an indifferent housekeeper and a terrible cook – guests at her dinner parties were known to wind up in the hospital having their stomachs pumped due to poisoning. She was an educated, intelligent woman in a society that expected women to marry and stay at home. So when she was nearing thirty Miriam submitted to expectations and settled for conformity. She hated it, and lived much of her life in a desperately unhappy state. Miriam poured her frustrations, dreams, hopes and disappointments into diaries, letters and jotted notes on the backs of grocery receipts, all of which she kept in a gift box, tied with twine and hidden away in a basement corner. She never wrote the story of her life, but Reichl has used those notes to write her mother’s story.
  
  What a wonderful tribute to a mother’s love and lasting gift to her child. Miriam was unhappy in her life, but she tried to instill in her daughter the notion that she did not have to live her life in any way but the way she, herself, chose. She gave Ruthy the permission, and encouragement, to pursue her own dreams. To “NOT” become her mother.
  
  Ruth Reichl narrates the audio book herself and she is magnificent. She conveys humor and compassion, frustration and pride, and above all a great love for her mother who helped make her what she is – and is NOT – today.
  
• 
  Lyn Elliott

  Reichl's view of her difficult mother Miriam shifted profoundly as she read through a box of her letters and notes well after her death. She found a woman frustrated by social conventions that denied her and her friends the opportunity to work, determined to bring up a daughter who would have a career, not be trapped in the type of marriage where she would be confined to the domestic work Miriam herself hated and was no good at.
  Miriam (Mim) had wanted to be a doctor, was told by her father that as a homely and intelligent woman she would not attract a husband, which was her parents' principal expectation of her. She went to Paris, took a PhD in music, came back and set up a bookstore, but was still not a success in her parents' eyes as she was unmarried. Her first marriage when she was nearly thirty was not a success. Her new husband didn't think it proper for some to work and she had to give up the book shop. She became very unhappy, her husband left her. She carried sadness with her through most of the rest of her life, though her second husband, Ruth's father sounds a kind and loving man. Reichl suggests she was manic depressive (bipolar is the current term). In the last years of her life, though, when all her responsibilities for family had gone, Miriam took off into a new and vibrant life, astonishing her children.
  Reichl says she has frequently told 'Mim tales' as extended jokes. The few she gives here are funny but they are also appalling - the ghastly mix of ingredients based around moldy chocolate pudding she concocted as a snack for Brownies; her insistence on catering for 200 for her son's engagement party, food prepared well in advance but no available refrigeration and despite Ruth and her brother's efforts to stop guests eating the worst affected food a number of them ended up in hospital with food poisoning.
  In the box of papers, Ruth found notes about this terrible event, which had been suggested to Miriam by her analyst as a way of dealing with her inabilities as a hostess and cook. You can only ask What was he thinking?
  The book is funny and sad, tender and sharp and is the sort of memoir I would like to be able to write about my own mother, probably much the same age as Miriam Reichl, but born in a small country town in South Australia. She too was determined her daughters would have the opportunities she had been denied - giving us a good education drove her decision making for about twenty years. This meant that she did work - first of all in my father's business, but after we moved to our state capital, Adelaide, she broke the mould and took off into the world of art and design which she had always longed for. The marriage didn't survive and she stopped pretending to be interested in the two of her four children who didn't share her love of the arts. Fortunately I was ok,
  My grandmothers were both intelligent women frustrated by confined roles and lack of independent financial decision making, which is one of the great benefits of working, of course.
  In the hands of an actively feminist writer it could be a case study of the impediments against which the women's movements fought in the 1960s and 70s. The rights to education and work are established in our culture, but women still struggle to achieve a balance between paid work and maintaining family well being (husband/partner, children, parents, siblings). I am acutely aware of the boxes of my mother's papers in my cupboards, waiting for me to sort through. This has pushed me a step close to beginning.
• 
  Randy

  I never met a book by Ruth Reichl I haven’t loved, and my adoration continued with this book. Where others were hearty meals, Not Becoming My Mother was a deceptively simple snack. (I’m certain that Ms. Reichl, editor of Gourmet Magazine, would find a more elegant food analogy, but I, alas, am but a quick and dirty cook, though one who loves reading the work of educated ones—like Ruth Reichl)
  
  In her previous books, the author consistently folded her cooking and restaurant reviewing skills into personal memoir—making a mixture with the consistency of magic. Her work has always been fascinating, down-to-earth, and erudite—and always offered the reader fascinating glimpses into the world of food and Ms. Reichl’s own intriguing life, which often included portraits of her sad, unusual, and, to the author, exasperating, mother.
  
  This 110-page gem boils it all down to the author’s mother true story. It is not an apology for what she’s previously written. Or, perhaps, it is.
  
  Any daughter whose lived her life under the thumb of her mother’s quirks and enraging mothering mistakes will fly through this book, reading of Reichl’s brave attempts to find out the truth of her mother’s life. She writes of living her life on “Mim tales”—a trait with which my sister and I can over-identify, having dined, perhaps too long, on a pathetic treasure trove of Mom stories.
  
  But as I read the author’s unearthing of her mother’s truth (her now-realization of her mother’s eccentricities as representing being crammed into the tiniest of housewifery boxes and the narrowest of work roles) I found it hard to catch my breath, amazed at the author’s courage in uncovering her own perhaps lack of generosity towards her mother, and deeply admiring her ability to now find the heroic in her mother.
  
  Because I was with her every step.
  
  Like Ruth Reichl, I too berate myself for not managing to rise above the role of daughter to my mother, and become a woman and friend to her. However, perhaps when one grows up with a larger-than-life mother, that’s an impossible goal. Maybe only after death severed a relationship that held us so emotionally hostage that we spent our lives holding our breath, can we step back and offer perspective.
  
  So, thank you Mom for being a role model of friendship, you who offered such a striking portrait of being a loyal companion to so many wonderful women.
  
  Thank you Mom for showing such a flair for beauty.
  
  Thank you for showing us the wonder and fun of work.
  
  For laughing very hard. For always appreciating a good story. For your advice on men. And women.
  
  Yes, you were often right. About many things. I can now consider you a hero, because you lived your life trying very hard. And I know that now.
  
  We miss you.
  
  
• 
  Nancy

  What a bust!
  
  Ruth Reichl, who is editor of Gourmet magazine, has written three other memoirs on life/love/food, two of which I've read and really enjoyed. However, her newest pseudo-memoir about her mother's issues, I found terrible.
  
  Rather than being anecdotal and witty, like the other two I've read, this mini-book is a slapped-together attempt to be sentimental about her mother's "gift." This gift being teaching daughter Ruth NOT to be like her mother, who was emotionally battered by HER mother and therefore her mother never has self-confidence and is not lucky enough to have a career her own, blah blah blah. Ruth, that’s not a testament to your mother! —That’s just plain depressing! (How many times can she use the words “tortured” “regret” and “excruciating”? Shift F7, please!)
  
  Reichl's attempts at being emotional come off as contrived, making her mother’s story sound anything but unique. It’s poorly pieced together by Reichl’s references to old letters, notes and scraps of paper that are all suspiciously found at the "bottom of mother's box". (How is it that ALL 200 items referenced are found at the bottom of this little box??).
  
  No wonder her publisher only allowed her a 4x6 112-page memoir this time! Don't be fooled by this little book with its whimsical cover-- it should NOT be a "gift book" to your sister!! It's a magazine article.
  
• 
  Crystal

  I couldn't resist this title - or the author, for that matter. I have always been intrigued by Ruth Reichl and wanted to read her books.
  
  In spite of the title, this is actually a tender (and very short) love note to her mother. Theirs was definitely a strained mother-daughter relationship that I think most women can identify with. Ms. Reichl's mother was not your conventional June Cleaver wannabe of the 1950s. After her mother's death, Reichl discovers her mother's journals and realizes, for the first time, who her mother really was. In short, the mother was an intellectual trapped by the societal expectations of her time to find a husband and raise a family. Her mother never felt comfortable with this role and encouraged her daughter to lead a more fulfilling life. This message comes across through Reichl's retelling of strained familial relations and embarrassing flashbacks (when Reichl's mother forgot to prepare a snack for Ruth's girl scout troupe meeting, she found a chocolate pudding in the back of the refrigerator that she'd forgotten she'd made about a month ago and served it to the girls after scrapping all the mold off).
  
  Ruth Reichl's voice is just as endearing as it is gut-wrenching hilarious. I loved this book and its bittersweet tale of a woman rediscovering her mother and finding a new love for the woman she never really knew.
• 
  Paula

  This book was Ruth Reichl's homage to her mother and the generation of mid-20th century women who could not reach their full potential and were uncomfortable in and resentful of their limited role as wife, mother and homemaker. Based on letters and notes written by Ruth's mother Miriam, Reichl seeks to understand, sympathize and honor the mother about whom she was irreverent and disparaging in her previous memoirs. This book doesn't have all the humor and the charming vignettes -- many of them related to cuisine -- that I enjoyed so much in her previous books. However it seeks to balance her perspective, and gives us a sense of how Reichl's feelings and appreciation of her mother have evolved. Women in their 50's and 60's can especially relate to this generation of parents. Worth the read for sure.
• 
  Jim Beatty

  It is never too late to find out how to make yourself happy.
• 
  Cindy

  Just the title alone made me want to read this book.. And I'm glad that I did. Reichl finds some letters and notes in a box in a basement from her mother. Through these, she finds out why her mother was the way she was, and why her mother always encouraged her to not be like her. She didn't want her daughter to be unhappy like she was, she wanted her to be an independent person - free to do as she pleased, free from the traditional roles that society and parents expect you to be. Reichl's mother, Miriam, followed that role because it was expected of her not only by society but forced down her throat by her mother. Miriam grew up during the time when if a woman didn't marry, then people would call her a spinster. Miriam actually had a career and her own bookshop but was forced to give that up because circumstances called for it.. which caused her to be very unhappy. She was unhappy for a big part of her life and Reichl as a child noticed this.
  
  By reading her mother's letters, Reichl is able to understand why her mother did the things that she did. I found the ending to be bittersweet because Miriam finally became who she really was, but not until she was a widow and white haired. I guess it's good in a way because some people never have the chance of finding out who they are, at all, but at least Miriam did, even if it was toward the end of her life..
• 
  Amy

  A wonderful fast read. Whenever I pick up anything written by Ruth Reichl, I realize how much I love her tone and style. She is a wonderful storyteller who knows how to draw the reader into her life. This book in particular was a wonderful tribute to her mother, who spent her entire life kind of lost and not knowing who she was really supposed to be. Every woman has stories about her grandmother or great grandmother similar to Reichl's--this was a generation that was out of place in their time. They were educated and could have had brilliant careers, but most of them were stunted by society, told that they were not supposed to work. Most of those who did, did not have successful careers and tended to feel guilty about the choice they made to work instead of stay home full time. I am glad that Ruth Reichl has had such a successful career--simply because her mother couldn't.
• 
  TraceyL

  I hate to say it because I love the author, but this book doesn't need to exist. It's a super short recounting of
  Ruth Reichl's relationship with her mother and how it affect her growing up.
  
  There's nothing new here. Her earlier book
  Tender at the Bone: Growing Up at the Table spends a great deal of time talking about her mother and what it was like growing up. It even included a lot of the same anecdotes. I guess if you are only looking for a book that has the mother-daughter relationship but none of the chef stuff in it, then this is for you. I'm super disappointed.
• 
  Vicki Antipodean Bookclub

  “Mom may not have realised her dreams, but that did not make her bitter. She did not have a happy life, but she wanted one for me. And she made enormous emotional sacrifices to make sure that my life would not turn out like hers”
  .
  .
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  Unusually for Ruth Reichel, this slim little volume is not about food at all, it’s about her mother. Ruth had a strained relationship with her mother. Miriam was a brilliant student and had wanted to be a doctor, but was forced to bend to the weight of parental and societal expectation. She strived to be the daughter that her parents approved of and never quite managed it. Miriam in turn quietly gave Ruth permission to rebel, something that Ruth didn’t realise until much much later in life. This was a strangely sad book that I wish had had space to grow beyond its 100 or so pages. However, it did capture the complexities of mother-daughter relationships, particularly for a generation of brilliant women who were confined to helping their daughters to
• 
  Scarlett Pierson

  Listened to this, so good. Author reads it!
• 
  Alessandra Gennaro

  facciamo che la Ruth Reichl autrice di questo libro è una lontana parente illetterata, assoldata dall'editore per arrivare alla fine del mese-e non parliamone più, ok?
• 
  Meredith

  With this brief memoir, Ruth Reichl bestows the degree of forgiveness upon her mother that is only possible after death. Rifling through her mother's letters and scribbled notes, she softens her recollections of her mother. She reinterprets her mother's many failures and disregard for the needs of her children and family as attempts to teach her daughter not to be like her. See, my mother wasn't being self-absorbed after all. She was being noble and teaching me a valuable life lesson. Rather than a memoir, this is more of a sentimental eulogy steeped in revisionist history.
  
  The author reflects upon her life with her mother, a woman whose crushing bitterness at not being allowed to become a doctor (because her parents feared it would make her unmarriageable) colored over a century of her unhappy life. Her resentment of all things domestic and refusal to grasp the reality of her situation deeply hurt her daughter, son, and second husband. But her daughter defends her with a deep sympathy and without bitterness. In fact, Reichl excuses her mother's sense of entitlement to hurt everyone who depended upon her at every turn, which really makes Reichl an even more pitiable character. Not only was her mother incredibly selfish, but her daughter who suffered for this her entire childhood is unable to acknowledge this fact.
  
  Reichl's mother spent decades fixated on the life she wanted rather than chosing to participate in the life she had much to the detriment of those closest to her, and then in hindsight, Reichl strips her mother of any responsibility for her negligent and hurtful behaviour by pleading that she was deeply disappointed woman. In the end, that's a lame excuse. But overall, this is an intriguing family story.
  
• 
  Julie

  I must have read something to recommend this book in the depths of blogland, and thought I would give it a go. When I got it out from the local library, the librarian said that she had read her earlier books and was a good author, always a good start.
  
  So this little tome didn't take long to read, it is a short little 112 pages. She is primarily a food writer/critic/editor, but in this book she talks about her relationship with her mother. I always enjoy tales of growing up, and I think the memoir succeeds because Ruth Reichl ends up understanding, that although her mother was full of faults and quite unstable, she was a product of her times. On what would have been her mothers hundreth birthday Ruth opens her mothers old diaries and letters and learns about the mother she never knew.
  
  My mother has been gone six years now, and there is so much I wish I could ask her, the things that no one else knows the answers to. So a 3/5 - for making me think about my own mum, and wish that she had left a pile of letters behind.
• 
  L.D.

  Checking in some books, I found the title very interesting. This also was my commitment to my daughter. That I would not repeat what my mother had done/and not done for and to me. I too have come to peace about my past, but there was a time, which as hard as I tried I was my Mother until I sought help and understanding. That is when the change took place. I could be what my daughter needed, emotionally strong, independent, loving, fair, confident and not to be afraid to say I'm sorry. I read this book in one day. I would recommend this to all who have had a difficult times with parents. Until an understanding is reached on why things happened a change might be difficult within that person. One can not go back and make up the time, but go forward and make the future better with the knowledge we know. Today my daughter is benefitting from what I learned and she is an independent 20 year old .
• 
  Patty

  When I read Reichl's book, Tender at the Bone, I was enchanted. Reichl is great storyteller and I found her life to be fascinating. Reichl did not seem to have lived a normal life and what she had experienced seemed like such fun.
  
  Many of Reichl's stories were about her mother. These stories were funny, but sad because Miriam was not an easy woman to live with. Ruth and her brother Bob seemed lucky to survive childhood.
  
  In this book, Reichl reexamines her mothers life. Reichl realizes that her mother encouraged her in ways she had not realized. This is a totally different view of Miriam Reichl.
  
  Perspective is a funny thing. I think that real perspective on Ruth Reihl's mother comes from reading both these books.
• 
  Ellen

  Why are relationships between mothers and daughters so complex? We love them, hate them, want to be just like them, and hope we end up completely different all at the same time. But do we ever really know their story? Do we ever understand why they push us the way they do?
  
  Ruth's mother reminds me so much of my own. I grew up hearing the phrase "don't make the same mistakes I did" on an almost daily basis. All we want is for them to accept us as we are, and nothing more. And all they want is...to be happy. And we, as daughters, never ask what that means.
  
  This book is brief, but beautiful. It literally left me in tears and wondering what my own mother's story is.
• 
  Wendy Darling

  A pleasant but unsatisfying read. The book is a nice aside for readers of Reichl's previous (and splendid) memoirs, but this 112 page book (hardcover, 3/4 the size of a regular book, double spaced) will occupy no more than an hour's time. While engaging and relatable, particularly in discussions of how she had "decided who her mother was long ago," the story feels incomplete and not as emotional for the reader as the writer. A well written but slight work that would have been better kept for a chapter in Reichl's next book--or at least released as a special keepsake at half the price.
• 
  Carol

  Well that was kinda depressing - it was as if she hadn't forgiven her mother at all, but wanted to in a way and threw the book together.
• 
  Lana Joy

  It was a good fast easy read. It makes you think about the legacy you're leaving and lessons your teaching.
• 
  Hannah Jez

  While I have read many of Reichl's [food-related] articles and essays, I have not touched any of her books until this one, so I did not have any expectations regarding its writing style or contents.
  
  I agree with previous reviewers that the book felt more like an extended essay, but did not mind the fact. However, that's probably because I find myself in both Reichl and Mim, as well as my mother in Mim and her parents. The book is not life-changing or powerful, but it definitely resonated with me, a person with an emotionally abusive mother who acted the way she did because she wanted a better life for me than the one she had.
• 
  Lisal Kayati Roberts

  3.5 upgraded to 4.
  
  “She loved me enough to make me love her less. She wanted to make sure that I did not follow in her footsteps. It was an enormous sacrifice. She made it willingly. And I never even thanked her.”
  
  Wowser. So much said in such a little book.
  
  This is not what I expected. I am humbled.
  
  This little book gave me so much more than I bargained for. RR, your mother was not my mother, but the perspective is a life-changer for me.
  
  Thank you, RR. Thank you, PJP.
• 
  Laura

  Wonderful, sad, beautiful book about motherhood and mental illness
  
  Funny, sad, loving and all too brief memoir about Reichl’s life with her intelligent, frustrated, bipolar mother. My only complaint is that this book was far too short.
• 
  Teri

  This was a beautiful tribute to Ruth Reichl’s mother, a smart, charismatic woman who struggled with mental illness. It made me grateful for all the ways that our mothers, with all their limitations, have paved the way for the freedom that we have today.
• 
  Nancy

  A sincere, concise audio book by one of my favorite authors. At only 2 CD's, I was left longing for more stories about a most remarkable and interesting woman. Thanks to the author for a revealing and thoughtful insight into her and her mother's life.
• 
  Jsarno49

  In this collection of essays, Reichl depicts her mom, a talented and creative woman, whom conformed to her parents' wishes and expectations and deferred her own ambitions and dreams. She vowed to raise a daughter whom could pursue the life she desired.