The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban

The Book of Boundaries Reviews

• 
  Gretchen Rubin

  A practical, helpful book that's also hilarious and a real page-turner, on the question of how to create healthy boundaries.
• 
  Kelly_Reads_Books

  Sometimes in life you are looking for something and it falls in your lap, when you least expect it. The Book of Boundaries is just that for me. I was searching for ways to set stop the people in my life from using me, walking all over me, and I truly needed to balance myself and stop living my life pleasing others at the detriment to myself.
  The Green, Yellow, Red approach will help me immensely, it's a great tool for my toolbox, helping me to not feel badly for setting limits with certain people.
  I absolutely recommend this book to anyone who is struggling and looking for self help with this matter.
• 
  Jill Evans

  This subject and even cover art are so clearly stolen from Nedra Glover Tawwab’s “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”. The color blocking of the cover is similar, and she even use the same cover font as Tawwab! It’s like she wasn’t even trying to hide it.
  
  Written (possibly—who knows how much is actually the author’s own words) by a someone with absolutely no qualifications on this subject (her bio literally says, “and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits,” which means nothing in terms of credentials), this book a clear appropriation of Tawaab, except without any credit. Urban isn’t even a dietician or nutritionist! She’s not qualified in her own lane, never mind someone else’s. This is not to bash her as a woman—I respect her desire to help others and also commend her for her openness about her addiction recovery—but this is certainly a criticism of yet another wealthy, white, unqualified influencer figure appropriating the work of Black people, in particular a Black licensed clinical social worker. If you’re interested in learning more about boundaries from someone who knows what they’re talking about (because they went to school for it and don’t just rely on lived experience alone,” get Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” instead.
• 
  Marsha

  Do you get sucked into one-sided relationships where you are constantly giving-in just so the other person won't be angry? Are you tired of putting everyone else's needs and feelings above your own?
  
  This book will change your life..
  
  Melissa Urban outlines with clear language and a ton of engaging examples how to establish boundaries in your relationships with friends, strangers, neighbors, work colleagues and family. For any given situation, she gives three sample responses that she labels green, amber and red. A green response is an initial/friendly suggestion of how to convey your needs in the face of someone taking advantage. The amber, as you would expect, is a slightly firmer approach when the green didn't work and the bad behavior continues. The red is firmer yet -- essentially code-red.
  
  The book is a highly readable compilation of relationship dilemmas but it's also the kind of book you'll keep in your bottom drawer for quick reference to help you out of the next sticky situation.
  
  Highly recommended.
  
  #netgalley
• 
  Charmin

  HIGHLIGHTS:
  1. Boundaries help you plan and communicate what you are willing to do. They are for YOU, not about controlling others.
  - Would a healthy person do X?
  - Setting a limit that hasn’t been established. Readjustments are needed.
  
  2. Energy Leakage: feeling worse after interacting with a negative person. Avoidance.
  
  3. Keeping the peace = uncomfortable denial of needs.
  - Clear Is Kind: Boundaries need to be direct.
  - Don’t explain boundaries to get approval.
  - I’m no longer willing to betray myself to make someone else feel comfortable.
  
  4. That doesn’t feel good to me.
  - Emotional dumping or energy vampires need a boundary correction.
  
  5. Relationships: You can do it any way you want.
  - Please don’t assign me feelings
  
  6. Nobody is entitled to your personal history or current situation.
  - “Oh, no thank you. We are not looking for outside opinions on that subject.”
  
  7. Self-Boundaries: do the things that create freedom and remove consequences.
• 
  Fiona

  Deeply practical and thought-provoking. I learned a lot, and hope to put this into practice very shortly.
  
  Much to think about!
• 
  Carly Holzner

  This book offers some great examples of when to set boundaries AND example scripts to do so
• 
  Lindsay

  Thank you to Melissa Urban and NetGalley for this ARC and allowing me to be a part of the launch team in exchange for an honest review!
  
  These past three years have been a crash course in learning how to set boundaries that have been a requirement for my own and my family's mental and physical health. They have finally come into the spotlight as a form of SELF CARE. However, despite even helping my clients set them, I still struggle with putting my needs into clear, kind language.
  
  This is what The Book of Boundaries does best, and I wish I'd had a copy when I was a young adult navigating the waters of dating, moving out on my own, my relationship with alcohol in my mid-20s, and definitely my bedside nursing career. As someone with people pleasing and codependent tendencies, I had spent a lot of energy suppressing my needs in order to be seen as "good" or obedient or compliant.
  
  Melissa's (of course, we're on a first name basis) organization of the topic is perfection- guiding you through different areas of your life that likely need boundaries. She preaches to be clear and kind, that boundaries are about what YOU will do (not controlling the other person). She provides scripts, coded by color (green, yellow, red) in progressing order of firmness, for a variety of topics. They are wonderful and fabulous, but also might even open your eyes to a world that might feel scary at first- speaking with honesty and authenticity.
  
  My only very minimal gripe is that I am still scared of some of these...confrontations (because some feel like it). Clearly, this is not the author's or the book's problem, but a sign of areas in which I need to work. However, it would be nice to have some tips on how to build confidence in the area of boundaries for these more difficult conversations.
  
  Overall, I will be recommending this to all my clients who struggle to set their own boundaries! I recommend that you buy the physical book so that you have something to reference and go back to. Not ever section is for everyone, but if you choose to read the whole thing, I promise you'll get something out of everything.
  
  4.5 stars
• 
  Lyne

  I must admit, I approached this non-fiction book with trepidation. They usually take me a while to read and also remind me too much of College and studying.
  
  I was interested in this book to understand more about setting boundaries, both for myself and a family member. I feel that I learned the ‘hard way’ and was rewarded to see that I had set many boundaries correctly. This book puts things succinctly. Three zones: green, yellow and red. It was helpful to categorize issues and get ideas on how to tackle setting the go, no-go behaviours. The hardest part, taking the first step.
  
  I find setting boundaries with strangers is easy. With family, I enter the yellow zone. The tools in this book make it a good, worthwhile read. And, no exams!
• 
  Bridget Johnson (Jameson)

  3.5. I think this was a helpful and interesting book, but I had a hard time getting my head around the fact that the author is qualified because she....co-founded Whole30? And talks a lot about boundaries on social media??
• 
  Sanda

  Hands down one of the best nonfiction books I’ve read in years. I ended up taking my sweet time reading this one because I wanted to make sure I truly absorb all the valuable methods shared in it. I feel like I’ve learned so much - and the book is covered in enough colorful sticky notes to prove it.
  
  My line of work involves social services/health care services combo that requires frequent navigating of tricky boundaries. So it comes as no surprise that I kept bringing up The Book of Boundaries at work every chance I got while I was reading it. I’ve also reserved a special spot for it on my bookshelf (once it makes its rounds around my workplace) because I know I’ll be reaching for it as a reference.
  
  Melissa Urban’s latest is the “guidebook” on boundaries a lot of readers will find relevant and useful. It’s written in a manner that is easy to follow, understand and apply but it’s also relatable and enjoyable to read as she shares both personal examples, as well as those of the individuals she worked with. She explains what boundaries are, why they matter and how to set and uphold them in various contexts (from workplace to friends, family and relationships). I truly enjoyed reading this book, in part because it’s obvious this book was written by someone who has done and continues to do the work on themselves and their relationship, as well as someone who thinks deeply about how this book might be experienced from very different perspectives.
  
  If you know you need to work on your boundaries, this is the perfect book for you. If you want to learn a new, practical skill in an easy to understand way, this is also the perfect book for you. And if you are looking to expand your reading into non-fiction waters, I also highly recommend this book!
  
  A huge thank you to Penguin Random House Canada for sending me a finished copy of this book in exchange for an honest review!
• 
  Misti

  I first came to understand what boundaries were in late 2014 after the birth of my son and I was navigating a lot of changes and took a deep-dive into some parenting forums where boundaries were talked about A LOT. I learned a lot and even tried to read the most prominent titles on boundaries but they were a little dry and too religious for me. Melissa's IG Stories over the last several years have been excellent and I've appreciated her Green, Yellow, Red approach. Her book is very similar to her Stories and this is an excellent way to approach boundaries from a non-religious standpoint and a much more thought out and real-world scenario standpoint. There is something for everyone in here and scripts for just about anything that can be adapted for anyone. And it's a good refresher when you have boundaries put on yourself, to stand back and take some personal reflection. Great for anyone and to revisit when you need to remember how to set or accept boundaries!
  
  *I received and ARC via NetGalley in exchange for my review*
• 
  Mallaree

  This is in my top 5 books of the year (maybe of my life). Before this book I had no clue what a healthy boundary was. This book is so well written, so easy to understand. Melissa (at this point I feel like she’s an old friend, helping me through my life) gives you A SCRIPT to use for situations.
  
  I am NOT a self help book person. At all. EVER. But this year I have had people disrespect the boundaries I tried to place before I even really knew what boundaries were. I found this book at my beloved library and immediately bought a copy for myself.
  
  I will NEVER be the same again. This book changed me and my life. There are so many parts of this book that I’ll never ever forget, so many things I started using the second I read the book. I feel like a fan girl, wanting to write Melissa Urban a letter about how much I freaking loved and needed this book.
• 
  Jennifer

  Exactly what I needed. Already used some of the strategies.
• 
  Serena Puang

  DNF’d: the book has a promising premise and does contain useful insights about what boundaries are which were helpful to think through. For example, a passage talks about how boundaries are not about controlling the other person’s behavior but about your response to that behavior when the two of you are together (you can’t get your uncle to stop smoking in general but you can say that if he insists on smoking in your house, he can’t come over anymore). The model scripts and phases of boundaries (green, yellow, red) were also interesting, but these scripts themselves felt targeted toward a predominantly white American audience and isn’t self aware about it.
  
  Communication is not a culture neutral thing and varies from person to person. It’s not my expectation that this book would have addressed every nuance to this, but I do wish it would have left room for different family dynamics, cultural communication styles and personalities. This book is a model of what works for the author, and while there are some allowances for variation, it does feel like it assumes that the reader shares at least quite a bit of similarity with her in terms of culture, socioeconomic status, and context.
• 
  Angela Pineda

  4.5 stars. I’m a Melissa Urban super fan. I’ve followed her for years and love everything she does and read everything she writes (I subscribe to one newsletter - hers).
  
  I bought The Book of Boundaries to support her - not thinking it was something I really needed. Wellllllllll having read it, I could use some work setting boundaries 😂. We probably all can.
  
  In typical Melissa fashion, she writes in such a real, connecting way. Her boundary stories/examples/scripts are great. I highlighted A LOT more than I thought I would. I lov her boundaries discussion she would have on Instagram, and this is just 340 pages of that.
  
  Not a must read for everybody - but I got a lot out of it. I’m betting you would too.
• 
  Heidi

  I finished listening to this book this evening and was it the most fun/ captivating of books? No, but it was a super practical book with suggestions and recommendations throughout. As someone who would much rather agree to a different time (that honestly doesn’t work) in order to be considered agreeable, rather than put a boundary in place and be considered hard to work with, I absolutely appreciated the focus on the different ways to enforce boundaries with the levels. I really like the way this book is set up with the different sections for different relationships. I did check out the physical book from my local library while I was mid listen, just to see if the physical book had helpful materials that weren’t present in the audio form, but there were none, so I highly recommend the audio copy of this book, as Melissa does a fantastic job with narration!
• 
  Melody

  Extremely helpful! I love how Melissa includes conversations that relate to day-to-day topics and different responses to use during those conversations. Highly recommend this book!!!
• 
  Kriti | Armed with A Book

  The Book of Boundaries is a treasure chest of knowledge! Words like ‘boundaries’ and ‘privilege’ have become a common part of our everyday talk and I love that Melissa started the book by linking them together and defining what a boundary is and what it looks like. Melissa shares her personal experiences as well as her clients stories throughout the book and I found numerous situations that I could relate to or see myself coming across. While it is not possible to prepare for everything that happens to us, I believe that thinking about some things in advance gives me confidence and some foresight.
  
  In the first chapter itself it was clear to me that while I did grow up seeing my parents and friends enforce boundaries, it was always something that was modeled rather than talked about. It felt liberating to read about boundaries and realize where the responsibility lies and what they are for. Melissa says that boundaries are an essential life skill. I agree and I am thrilled to know so much about them now.
  
  The Book of Boundaries is an empowering book. Touching on everyday situations and relationships that we are part of, Melissa helped me build confidence in building and recognizing boundaries. The book is divided into three parts with a total of twelve chapters. I learned the most from the chapter on setting boundaries with parents and in-laws, grandparents and other family members (chapter 4), boundaries in romantic relationships (chapter 6) and self-boundaries (chapter 10). The chapters on table talk (chapter 8) and sensitive subjects (chapter 9) were ones I hadn’t even thought about and they opened my mind to new ideas.
  
  I know I will be coming back to it again and again as our lives change, as we become parents and assume different roles in our workplaces.
  
  Details about the specific takeaways from this book will be posted to my blog in the coming days.
  
  
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• 
  Jesus Sanchez

  This is my first book by Melissa Urban and I am not disappointed. As someone who has struggled in the past with setting and enforcing personal boundaries, I found this book to be an incredibly valuable tool.
  
  Urban's writing style is engaging and accessible, and she breaks down the concept of boundaries into easy-to-understand language. The examples she provides are relatable and help to illustrate how boundaries can be applied in different areas of life.
  
  What I appreciate most about this book is that Urban doesn't just talk about why boundaries are important, but she also provides practical advice and exercises to help readers start setting and enforcing their own boundaries. The worksheets and prompts throughout the book are especially helpful, and I found myself referring back to them multiple times.
  
  Overall, "The Book of Boundaries" is an excellent resource for anyone who wants to learn more about boundaries or needs help setting and enforcing them in their own life. Whether you're dealing with difficult relationships, workplace stress, or simply want to feel more in control of your own life, this book has something for everyone. Highly recommended!
• 
  Matilda

  I've been a fan of Melissa urban since her "it starts with food" days, and from when I did my first whole30 all the way back in 2013.
  So when I discovered that she had written a book of boundaries, I knew I had to read it.
  
  The main takeaway is that clear is kind. The boundary that you set for yourself protects you. You are not responsible for how others will react to your boundary.
  
  Melissa covers all areas of boundaries that you can set, from work to family, to neighbours, friends and even yourself.
  
  What's wonderful is that she has "scripts" using the traffic-like system, green, yellow and red. Very easy to follow and you choose the "script" that works for you when that situation arrives.
  
  Have a highlighter and tabs ready, as you will be making lots of annotations along the way.
• 
  Gregory

  I was really disappointed from that book and also taken aback quite a few times. But I guess, I am not the target audience.
  
  This book is for someone who has trouble communicating their boundaries, and has little experience with them. If you are in that category, that’s a great book for you. For the Autor, other people appear in her life in the sole capacity as being threats - so she design a color coded system inspired by DEFCON, to classify them into “green”, “yellow”, and “red”.
  Never ever is she addressing the motives, needs and feelings of other people, nor is she ever asking herself “Am I The Asshole?”
  
  The book gives a plethora of practical examples on what to say to communicate and enforce a boundary in all sorts of settings. However you are never explained, how do you come up with those boundaries in the first place - what needs they are addressing and how and when are they actually helping you.
  
  One core sentence that is repeatedly used throughout the book is “if you set boundaries, it’s always good for the other person too, because you are improving your relationship with them”. - you just need to spend 10 seconds to see how this sentence can be so wrong in so many situations, starting with the word “always”.
  
  I would not recommend this book to no one who has done some communication training, or have spent more than 10 minutes exploring the concept of “consent”. But if you really struggling to get even your basic demands across, this book could be a good starting point for you.
• 
  Estera

  It was during a podcast that I've discovered Melissa talking about one of her golden rules in the relationship with her husband, something along the lines of trusting that what the other is saying is the truth. If you ask 'do you mind me going out with my friends tonight' and you hear 'yes', you know that is the truth and don't expect a backlash coming back home. And if you change your mind, that's your problem. This approach you kinda see throughout the book. A clear and kind lesson of setting boundaries, one would say. I loved how practical it is, how many examples are given for any sort of situation in different levels of urgency and importance and how down to earth the approach is. Boundaries should be clear and kind, always and should be meant to improve the relationships around, focused on what you need to be your best self on a day-to-day basis for yourself and the ones around - something for me to remember. Loved the listening experience as well, I had questions coming up as I was unpacking information, that were 100% answered until the end.
• 
  Maria Inês Viana

  The Book Of Boundaries is a handy and pragmatic book about how to settle healthy limits in all relationships and layers of your life. It is a manual to keep close by and for frequent reference, as our reality changes, but the ability to set limits is forever useful. For every and all kinds of situation, there is a prompt waiting for you. 
  Melissa is not afraid to get involved - she has specific, word-by-word responses you can use in daily situations. If you are looking for specific help, rather than vague guidelines, you should certainly give it a go. 
  Unpretentious and uncomplicated, an SOS book to (re)visit whenever you feel circumscribed to a reality that doesn’t fit you.
  
• 
  Tiffanie22

  The subject of boundaries is something that has interested me for a long time. I have created a boundaries game and presentation I have used at work to help equip my team in the area of professional boundaries when supporting people, having seen the harm the lack of boundaries causes. I heard about this book by listening to a podcast a peer recommended when we were discussing the need for work/home life boundaries. This book is very comprehensive and gives you practical, no nonsense advice and scripts to get you started. If you struggle saying no, often find your needs and wants on the back burner, do things you committed to with resentment etc., this book is for you! I know from personal experience that setting boundaries - both professionally and personally - is a game changer!
• 
  Amanda Hatton

  I want to hand every person in my life this book. I am not a nonfiction reader. I just don't find it fulfilling, but this book gave me everything I needed. With great examples of all sorts of conversations and how to handle them, this might be a book I need to buy a copy of just to reference and lend out. She acknowledges her privilege in setting boundaries and talks about all kinds of boundaries, even asking people to use the correct pronouns which is a boundary I have trouble setting.
• 
  Howard

  I like this book, she talks about setting boundaries for almost any conflict that you may encounter. She even covers personal boundaries that you can set for yourself. She has many example scripts for you to use in various situations, at three levels of severity. Very good knowledge to have from someone who had to set boundaries to save her life.
• 
  Suzanne

  A practical, very readable, and even funny book filled with smart tips how to live more freely by holding your limits with confidence.
  
  Melissa has a witty, direct approach; similar to sitting down with your bestie getting some much needed advice to get your shit together. No preaching going on here!
  
  
• 
  leah geisler

  Absolutely life-changing information on boundaries.
  This book has forever altered how I view boundaries, as a necessary form of freeing oneself up to a fulfilling life. Although I think boundaries fall within the realm of therapy, and generally I trust the guidance of a therapist more than that of anyone else with this sort of topic, Melissa Urban is the perfect person to write this book. Her story has lended her to set some really difficult boundaries, in all of her relationships, and it is evident in the fountain of knowledge she draws from.
  Not only that, but it is really approachable and entertaining. Boundaries do not have to be scary! Boundaries can be firm and kind.
• 
  Jeunesse

  This book is A MUST read if you are looking to improve your life and relationships with your others. I have been learning a lot about boundaries in therapy, and this helped me see some of those lessons even more clearly.
  
  There are a lot of examples of boundaries outlined in the book with varying solutions that you can apply to your own life.