Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members: Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism, and Heal from Shame After Ties Have Been Cut by Sherrie Campbell

Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members: Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism, and Heal from Shame After Ties Have Been Cut Reviews

• 
  Jennifer

  Ok…. Here it is. This was painfully good and I enjoyed the fact that she understands and has helpful guides and suggestions to healing. I dread telling anyone about my childhood and haven’t really even told my daughters. Parts of my life are unbelievable. So I wasn’t thrilled to open old wounds. I really thought I was done. But lately I see the need to reassess my situation. This is full of hope and no judgement. I thought the book useful and I highly suggest reading it. All of it was very helpful.
  Thanks New Harbinger via NetGalley.
• 
  Leigh Kramer

  If you’re considering cutting off toxic family or early on in setting that boundary, this could prove to be a helpful resource. I’m years in to setting boundaries so I was hoping for more of the practical tips provided in part 3. That section provided the most value for me, as well as one or two chapters in part 1. I really appreciated that this dealt with secondary abuse and delved into how to maintain relationships with non-toxic family members. Some of the advice can be helpful to think through in terms of friendship, as well. Part 2 was the least helpful personally, perhaps best for people who haven’t been in therapy before or have only just begun unpacking their experiences.
  
  I found this to be affirming but at the same time, there were a ton of declarative statements about what family is like or what children grow up believing that didn’t ring true for me. Additionally, the advice centered around a lot of stereotypes, like believing that love comes only from achievement, being a perfectionist, being prone to wanting to fix other people's problems, or having difficulties in being assertive and setting boundaries. None of these things apply to me. I certainly have my own struggles and I wish the book had been more expansive to include them or been more intentional in titling the book and making it clear who the audience is. It’s written more for codependent people/people pleasers with overtly abusive family members who doubt their decision to estrange themselves, which is not my situation at all. “Toxic” and “abuse” seemed to be used interchangeably but there’s a wide range of experiences with toxic people that doesn’t necessarily fall under abuse.
  
  For more on this subject, I recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults by Lindsay C. Gibson, with that caveat that it’s more for those who want to maintain a relationship with their toxic family member. That isn’t my situation but I found it to be really practical and affirming, in ways that I hoped this book would be as well.
  
  CW: toxic family, childhood abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, childhood neglect, death of family members (including cancer), substance abuse, alcoholism, 9/11, childbirth as a metaphor, divorce, ableist language, Harry Potter reference, mention of family members who died by suicide, reference to disordered eating
• 
  Sage

  This is a heart-wrenching but also extremely empowering book. Sherrie Campbell is a clinical researcher in psychology who is also a survivor of a toxic family, giving her exceptional insight into this particular flavor of trauma. Let me say right off: this book is 100% supportive of cutting off all contact with toxic family members. As far as she's concerned, half measures do not work. Basically, there is no freedom but freedom.
  
  Campbell cites studies showing that in the US, at least, there is a silent epidemic of estrangement between adults and their family members, but no one talks about it because there's so much risk of being shamed by outsiders who assume that family therapy, etc., will be more than enough to fix things. Campbell counters that, "Parents are meant to let their children go, not keep them in a stranglehold their whole lives."
  
  And facing that stranglehold is the work of this book. Campbell coins the term "foundational anxiety" to describe anxiety rooted in attachment rather than brain chemistry. Then she breaks down the development of toxic shame according to the stages in Erikson's psycho-social development framework. Finally, she works through the various keys to healing.
  
  I want therapists to read this book, especially if they deal with family trauma. Every page resonated so strongly with me, and yet I've before never seen a book so clearly encapsulate the damage of toxic families of origin and what is needed for an adult survivor to heal...right down to what to do when well-meaning third parties try to intervene. It's really nice to see practical solutions as well as easy-to-understand theory. Usually, it's one or the other, not both.
  
  Note: I am entirely unable to be objective about rating this book. I'm giving it five stars because it hit me right in the heart, but I'm very curious how other psychologists will review it.
  
  ARC
• 
  Noelle

  Content Warnings: Discussion of emotional abuse, manipulation, verbal abuse, and death of loved ones.
  
  This was an extremely powerful read for me. As someone who cut ties, almost ten years ago, with toxic family members I still experience a lot of guilt and thoughts of “maybe I should re-open those lines of communication”.
  
  Luckily my husband is always there supporting me and asking me questions like “do you think allowing them back into your life would make your life better or worse?” “Would it relieve or add to your stress?” When I stop to think about it and realize that allowing those people back into my life would significantly add a lot of negativity…I realize that I did make the right choice and will continue to do so.
  
  If you’ve never had a toxic family member around—especially a parent who helped shape you into the person you are—you may not realize how controlling and manipulative they are. I just turned 35 and as I look back on my childhood there are still things I’m realizing, about that toxic relationship, that I never saw before. Lies and manipulations that I believed wholeheartedly because what kind of parent lies to their child about important things.
  
  This book discusses all the different steps one goes through when it comes to cutting toxic family members out of your life. It’s not as simple as just cutting off contact and everything becoming great…because these people have trained you to feel immense guilt when they aren’t getting their way. Even fully knowing that the likelihood of them having an “aha” moment—and realizing how horribly they treated me—is completely unrealistic…I still sadly hope for it.
  
  An extremely powerful read that I will be looking back through—in my moments of doubt—to remind myself that I made the best choice for myself, my growing family, and my mental health.
• 
  Carolyn Green

  I really appreciate the author writing this book. It is on topic that is hard to explain and difficult for people to empathize with you on. There were definitely some hard truths that no one wants to hear, but Sherrie made you feel like you are not alone and told it how it is. A must read for anyone who courageously decided to put themselves first by removing toxicity from a family member.
• 
  Lindsay Nixon

  Superb book. I wish I’d have had this book several years ago when I first cut the toxic abusive narcissist “family member” out of my life.
• 
  James

  really good, also helpful to understand more about relatives who have decided to cut off toxic relatives and how to be supportive in those instances
• 
  Cassondra Perea

  As a survivor or childhood trauma I have lived most of my life without toxic family members. While I have gone through many years of therapy to deal with the lasting effects, I have never been able to fully articulate what it means to lose some of the most important relationships a young child should have. It truly changes you as a person and how you view the world and the people in it.
  
  Sherrie Campbell does an outstanding job of using both her own experiences as well as those of her clients to illustrate what toxic traits look like, how we should set healthy boundaries to safeguard our own mental health, and applicable tools that will end the cycle once and for all. She beautifully combined the emotional and scientific that allowed me to feel truly seen and fully known.
  
  Reading this as a electronic book was nothing short of life changing, but I must obtain a physical copy. I want to study this book over and over, take notes, and revisit it in my moments of weakness.
  
  If you or someone you know has grown up with toxic people, needs to eliminate toxic people, or has eliminated toxic people PLEASE buy this book! There is so much wisdom in this book to be gained.
  
  I want to thank NetGalley.com and New Harbinger Publications for allowing me to read this book in exchange for my pure and honest feedback!
• 
  Ri (colourmeread)

  I wish I had this years ago. Very validating with helpful tools and advice.
• 
  Mel

  This book is excellent to help work through no-contact with family members. It does focus on completely disconnecting the relationship, so if you’re looking to set boundaries and keep minimal contact, you’ll need to slightly adjust the narrative to fit your purpose. It is rare to feel supported through words on a page, but this author reaches through to you and speaks to you like the mom you wish you had.
• 
  Shannon

  I had to DNF this book due to the writing style. It felt more like a rambling blog than a self-help book. I tried to get past it but could only make it through the first chapter. Hopefully others who need this material will find it beneficial and will be able to make the most of this book.
• 
  Ty

  painfully good and empowering and left me with lots to think about
• 
  Michelle

  This book was highly empowering, enabling me to recognize the toxic behavior that has surrounded me throughout my life. Following a challenging period of isolation and reflection, I began to understand the severity of the toxicity and selfishness that was surrounding me. The validation I found in this book was eye opening, as it helped me acknowledge my experiences as a victim of toxicity since childhood and recognize that I don't have to accept it. I gained insight into the cycle the nature of toxicity, where we often respond to it with more toxicity. This book not only helped me comprehend my feelings of neglect, abandonment, and low self-esteem but also revealed my own toxic traits, which I can now work to transform into positive attributes, enabling me to become a better mother, sibling, and friend. I am determined to break the cycle of toxic family dynamics, and it starts with me.
• 
  Nicole Ellsworth

  Incredibly insightful and validating. Applicable for all toxic relationships. I didn’t know that “toxic” was actually listed in the DSM-5 under personality disorders. I recommend for anyone who has had a difficult/painful relationship that you suspect is toxic.
• 
  Krista Rogers

  Full of wisdom for those who are children in a toxic situation thinking about creating boundaries or going no contact.
  
  Some encouraging and useful parts if this isn’t your story, but much fewer and far between.
• 
  Chun

  It’s a manual book for people who want to escape from toxic family. This book has a very specific target audience, I believe that people who suffer from toxic family or traumatic relationships will find support and courage from this book.
  
  There is some repetition between chapters though.
  
  There’s also some good advice for people who‘s stuck in an unhealthy work place(at least I used the advice in that way).
  Here you can find how to set boundaries, self care, and be true to yourself.
  
  
• 
  Charmedbean

  Nice book to lay the groundwork on what to expect, what is normal in situations like these and to say that you are not alone.
• 
  Jess Cerchiara

  Good tips but at times felt a little whiny. Could be my inner toxic influences still making me uncomfortable though. Would have been more helpful for me a number of years ago.
• 
  Melissaj

  Exactly what ibwas looking for. Lots of practical advice and validation.
• 
  Pri

  I first heard of this book on tik tok and read it after hearing the following quote from it, “when you are constantly criticized by your family, you do not stop loving them. You stop loving yourself” (page 118).
  
  I am not familiar with the author, and I’ve noticed that the book only scratches the surface of attachment trauma, providing a basic explanation using CBT-oriented language. The tone of the book didn’t resonate with me at all.
  
  Although I can appreciate the author’s self-disclosure that she is going through her own therapy and healing process, I got the sense that she wrote this book to vent, she clearly hasn’t differentiated and seemed to have published it for the sake of publishing a self-help book.
  
  It reads like a college paper or personal statement written by a grad student working on her counseling degree; quoting and referencing Brené Brown, Henry Cloud, paraphrasing Erik Erikson’s stages of development, and citing several other well known authors with their self-help books.
  
  I found myself getting easily irritated with her writing style. As a trauma professional, I was disappointed with the author’s lack of depth in this subject matter, especially after claiming to be an expert in this field and holding a PhD. I would not recommend this to my therapy clients.
• 
  Jen

  There was a lot of helpful information in this book, but many times the author made statements that she presented as facts which seemed to be based on her own childhood experiences. Emotional and mental abuse is not the same for everyone. While there are some common threads, no two situations are alike. Her story is not mine and vice versa.
  
  However, the damage that emotional and mental abuse does is hard to describe. It slowly erodes every fiber of your body and distorts reality. As a child, you do not understand the extent of what is happening. It's hard to even understand as an adult how much it affected who you are.
  
  As the author states... Perfection is trauma all dressed up. It's very hard for me to overcome being a perfectionist, especially when it's so deeply ingrained with having value or purpose.
  
  Everyone has a story that isn't shared. Sometimes it isn't shared because they know no one will understand. Sometimes they aren't ready to share it. As for me, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
• 
  Erin Higgins

  It was really important to me to finish this book in 2023.
  
  As someone who is currently living with a no communication boundary with a sibling, this book made me weep big tears to feel heard and validated.
  
  Families are hard but you are strong. 🩷 protect your peace
• 
  Jessica

  I typically make note of a particularly compelling quote or two from books, but while reading a e-copy of this one, I found myself highlighting so many passages, and immediately ordered a physical copy to annotate to my heart's content. Below are the ones that resonated the most with me. I really cannot recommend this book enough to anyone struggling with the guilt they have from removing toxic family members from their life!
  
  

  “Unfortunately, the system in which psychologically abusive family members act refuses to accept any way other than its own. There is only one way in a toxic family. Toxic family systems are not open to change, different ideas, or flexibility of thought or person. For us, tolerating their way turns into acquiescing to their abuses. Acquiescing goes directly against healthy development of the individuality, freedom, love, and happiness that we have a right to seek and deserve to find.”

  
  
  

  “In the aftermath of cutting ties, you hurt. Not because you are necessarily looking for connection or conversation with your family, but because it is hard to imagine any family member - especially a parent, sibling, adult child, cousin, or grandparent - being okay with not seeing their own children, grandchildren, siblings, cousins, or parents. It’s a surreal feeling to realize your toxic family members would rather never see you or your children again than to offer a simple apology after you have stood up to their abusive behavior. It is powerful enough to stop you in your tracks. This is when you realize they have no remorse. Digesting that can feel like swallowing sand.”

  
  
  

  “The best - though for some perhaps the worst - part of the aftermath is the quiet. It is a strange feeling to have silence in the space where the emotional noise of family should be. However, it makes sense when you understand that your family members do not view your silence to their abuse as an issue with them, but rather as a problem with you. They view your silence as a competition and often vow to out-silence you.”

  
  
  

  “When you get the ‘Aren’t you over it yet?’ response, or ‘How your family acts shouldn’t surprise you,’ it is natural to question yourself. You grew up being manipulated to question your own version of reality, so to have this retriggered by others is hurtful. …For this reason, you must fight harder to feel your own sense of justice, forcing you to over explain why you separated from the toxic family dynamic you lived in.”

  
  
  

  “It is not always difficult to know that your family members are toxic. The painful part is accepting that they are toxic; that this is who and how they are, and who and how they will be going forward. This reality creates deep feelings of loss and hopelessness, because accepting this marks the true end of your relationship with them.”

  
  
  

  “Because your toxic family members only love with conditions, it is easy to see how you learned the habit of becoming preoccupied with self-hate, beating yourself up, focusing solely on your flaws and foibles, and, at worst, rationalizing and justifying your abandonment. You have effectively turned against yourself. You live believing you have some horrible defect on your character, but totally confused as to what this defect is.”

  
  
  

  “You may have been the scapegoat your entire life. You were that kid who took all the blame, that kid who was labeled bad, that kid your family had to warn people about. You were likely at their disposal to be blamed for their wrongdoings so they could escape responsibility. Every single family member, healthy or not, who knew of the reality behind this scapegoating and did not question it or come to your defense was to some extent a participant in this manipulation against you.
  Sadly, you may have believed your family’s false narrative. However, you may have found that the more you distanced yourself from your family, the more you distanced yourself from their false narrative of you. This distance likely allowed you to see there was another reality of who you are outside of the one imposed on you since birth.
  This new reality can come as quite a shock. What you had always known or felt to be true in your own internal world was in fact the truth. You weren’t the mentally ill, horrible person they had you and many others believing you were. Did you struggle as a child? Yes, because you tried to fight for yourself and stand up for what you believed in. Were you being emotionally abused and manipulated? Yes. Did you have a strong reaction to the abuses and manipulations doled out by your family? Probably. Your family likely handled this by turning your fighting for yourself into a grotesque narrative about your poor mental health and instability.”
• 
  Keith

  I know the title of this book will make my family members cringe. LMAO. Specifically I read this book because of my mom’s side of the family. Those are the ones I was close to growing up. Those are the ones which are more religious and I wholeheartedly believe the more religious a person is the more they are screwed up in the head. Now with my parents they did not proselytize to me but I had other family members again on my mom’s side do this. Oh and then the imperative language I have to…. You must….. etc etc etc. I am a grown adult and do not have to listen or take orders from anyone. The only reason for years I remained radio silence on this one is because my mom was unfortunately conditioned and believed the proverbs of a Caribbean/WestIndian playbook. By the way I don’t believe or follow this. Just saying. Anyways I read this book fast because I found a lot of similarities or the brainwashing and conditioning I was around as a kid growing up. I would recommend any person who have gone down the rabbit hole and learned what narcissistic traits are. Folks this usually starts at home or around the family. Then I went out in the world and “the friends” I unfortunately had the same dysfunctional energy as my mom’s side of the family. Then the result was I was constantly gaslighted, shamed, for manipulation and control over me. The one lesson I have learned in life is “family” or “friend” or “romantic partner” etc does not give you a VIP pass to me. If you are toxic I will either ban or distance myself from people. Then if they go off on me then I will leave. I had a life time of oppression being sold a bill of goods what things are supposed to be regarding religion and love etc. What all I seen were certain people who were religious were not that religious or they were so much it deluded their brains. The proof of money is the root of all evil but praying to God to win the jackpot is proof this thinking is a contradiction, hypocrisy or cognitive dissonance. Pick which way to define this one. This book helped me really to see in my life to where things went south with regards to traditions and values which are just fiction to me now. This is not Keith Balcombe and never will be Keith Balcombe. Thanks Sheri for the great book.
• 
  AMAO

  Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members: Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism, and Heal from Shame After Ties Have Been Cut by Sherrie Campbell
  April 1, 2022
  
  ❤ ❤ ❤
  https://youtu.be/pFjryf8zH_M?si=Tts3E...
  
  
  Cutting ties with a toxic family member is a crucial step away from a legacy of dysfunction and toward healing and happiness. This compassionate guide will help you embrace your decision with a sense of pride, validation, and faith in yourself; and provides powerful tools for creating boundaries, coping with judgment, and overcoming self-doubt.
  
  Do you have a toxic family member? Do you feel like cutting ties with this person—even as painful and scary as that may sound—would dramatically increase your well-being and improve your life? You're not alone. Severing ties with a family member can be devastating; and cutting this toxic person out of your life may bring up feelings of guilt and uncertainty—especially if you feel judged by others regarding your decision. Fortunately, you can free yourself from this toxic family member in a healthy, responsible, and liberating way.
  
  In Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members, psychologist and toxic-family survivor Sherrie Campbell offers effective strategies for setting strong boundaries after ending contact with a toxic family member, and provides powerful tools to help you heal from shame, self-doubt, and stigma. You'll find the validation you need to embrace your decision with pride and acknowledgement of your self-worth. You'll learn how to let go of negative thoughts and feelings. And finally, you'll develop the skills needed to rediscover self-care, self-love, self-reliance, and healthy loving relationships.
  
  Whether you're ready to sever ties with a toxic family member, or already have, this book will help guide you, every step of the way.
• 
  Kasia Hubbard

  First, to the author Sherrie Campbell, thank you for being brave enough to tell your story so others know they are not alone, even at great personal cost to you. I applaud your courage. Secondly, about the book, this is a really good in depth walk through of the process of making the decision to cut ties with toxic family members with in depth insights throughout the entire process, along with real life examples of what individuals have experienced as they went through the different levels of progression in their healing. What most people don't realize is that one's family is the cornerstone of how one builds their life, and when one decides to pull back and maintain boundaries apart from that person, or persons, it affects all areas of your life, your support system, your foundation, your security, your identity, just to name a few of the areas. This book helps to define three main areas of the process of those tools, making peace with your decision, whatever that decision may be, how to keep/maintain that boundary once that decision has been made to allow you to start the healing process, and practical ways to handle the aftermath, even if it means reestablishing those boundaries. While I have sped through reading this advanced readers copy, thanks to the publisher, it is one I would highly recommend for those who are trying to heal from their backgrounds, and I will be purchasing a hard copy to go back over again more slowly so that I can take more time to really process all the gems of wisdom within.
  *I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*