Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships by Robin I. M. Dunbar

Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships Reviews

• 
  Caleb Loh

  Dunbar's claim to fame is "Dunbar's Number", which states that we can only maintain 150 stable relationships at any time. These are defined as people with whom we can sustain a long conversation without any introductions if we met them at an airport. This number is actually one of a number of concentric circles of people we consider "friends". Of the 150, 50 can be considered part of a group of close friends - people for whom we would feel genuine sadness if we learnt of their passing. Of the 50, 15 are considered part of a support group that offers emotional sustenance. Of the 15, five are considered to be our best friends. Moving outwards from 150, we have 500 acquaintances. There are then 1,500 people for whom we can match names to faces, and a terra incognita of 5,000 faces which we can recognise but may not necessarily match.
  
  The methodology for these numbers is based on the somewhat outdated practice of Christmas card mailing lists in the UK. It is also confirmed by other independent numbers - for instance, the size of communes in California and of villages in 11th century England peak at around 150, with secondary peaks at around 15, 50, and 500, showing that humans naturally organise themselves into communities revolving around the different levels of intensity in their bonds. Another interesting study measured the sizes of prehistoric communal spaces (e.g., Stonehenge) and assessed the number of people they could accommodate. The resultant numbers tended to cluster around 15, 50, 150, and 500 too.
  
  One key trend to highlight is that the scaling factor between each concentric circle is around 3. This could be evidence that friendships are triadic rather than dyadic. For instance, X and Y may be friends because 0f another friend, Z; or X and Y may bond over their mutual dislike of Z. Because of this, for every friend X at any given level of friendship, Y and Z are likely to appear in the next concentric circle of friends. This explains the expansive nature of friendships up to the mental limit on the number of faces we can recall.
  
  The distribution of friends across the concentric circles can also be explained by evolutionary game theory. Because of the time and effort needed to invest in a relationship, we can only have a handful of friends in an inner circle (we spend about 40% of time with friends with just these 5 people), but to hedge against potential loss of friendship, we spend small amounts of time to maintain relationships of varying closeness that can readily substitute for losses in the worst-case scenarios. Because the motive for having friends in the outer layers is ostensibly quite mercenary, the friends at the 150-layer have a higher turnover rate year-on-year, while the core group remains largely the same. The number of friends in the 150-layer peaks around age 30 then declines gradually till we reach old age, possibly because we have sufficient confidence that our present relationships have become secure. Another theory is that we can only have five people in our inner circle because this is the optimal number at which conflict between any two members of that group is unlikely.
  
  The logical extension of the theory of concentric circles is that there is another circle closer to the core beyond our group of five - a group with 1.5 people, reserved for our most intimate friends. This is apparently consistent with Dunbar's theory - women tend to disproportionately have two best friends (typically one romantic partner and one platonic female best friend), and men tend to have only one (either a romantic partner or a platonic male friend). This is possibly why men tend to have a higher rate of depression and suicide following divorce compared to women, and why men tend to remarry much quicker in the hopes of companionship.
  
  There is supposedly also a difference in the friendship modes of the sexes (was a bit disorganised). My main takeaway is that men and women tend to engage with friends differently for ostensibly biological reasons. Females tend to quantify friendship based on the amount of emotional counsel they receive from someone, while males tend to quantify it based on the duration of their acquaintance, especially with regard to the time they spend doing activities together. A study of Facebook profile pictures shows that women's profiles predominantly skew towards pictures of two people, reflecting the desire for personal connection in an intimate setting, while men's profile pictures tend to be group photos depicting some activity like drinking, sports, or travel. In general, men were more likely to list down people they had a shared history and experiences with as friends, even if they were no longer in regular contact, while women were more likely to list down friends they had regular contact with, even if the duration of their friendship was low. This could be because female monkeys generally held the responsibility of upholding cohesive bonds within bands. They did this largely through developing friendships by grooming the hair of other females, a practice which ceased when humans stopped developing large coats of hair but which continues in mores subtle forms.
  
  I feel that this book is only the tip of the iceberg with regard to the sociology/psychology/biology of friendships. These relationships are generally underexplored and will almost certainly remain somewhat ineffable and complex.
• 
  Joe Bathelt

  In this book, eminent Professor Robin Dunbar discusses friendships. His treatise covers the evolutionary origin of friendship, the brain mechanisms of individual differences in social skills, differences in friendship style between men and women, changing friendships across the lifespan, differences in friendship between the online and real-world, among many other topics. The thorough look into friendship is both illuminating and refreshing. There are many books on the psychology of other relationships, e.g. between romantic partners, siblings, or parents and children, but friendships are a neglected topic. The great importance of friendship should be quite clear to everyone now that we had to spend a long time either relatively isolated from our friends or cooped up with a few of them. The book uncovers many of the behaviours that highlight why we may be friends with certain people, how we maintain friendships, and why some friendships break down. I found these discussions intellectually stimulating and practically important. The book is also very readable. There are many anecdotes and funny observations sprinkled in that make the more technical discussions more approachable. My only slight criticism is that there are some extrapolations, especially around gender differences and evolutionary psychology, that veer a bit too far from the supporting evidence for my taste. In sum, I think this book is great for anyone interested in psychology, human evolution, or behavioural economics.
• 
  Richard

  Hmm, maybe read?
  Glowing review at David Brooks’
  The Secrets of Lasting Friendships.
• 
  Barnaby Haszard

  A fascinating and thorough review of the literature (much of it Dunbar's own work) on friends and friendship, an alarming amount of which confirms gender stereotypes. It is confronting to read that boys choose trucks and girls choose dolls because they really are wired that way, that it isn't an entirely social construct (even if corporations mine it to death for sales). More alarming still, as many of my friendships dwindle away, and the points of connection that brought us together recede into the past, is the book's key message: the only thing that will kill you as swiftly as loneliness is smoking. Having active friendships improves pretty much all aspects of your health, including your higher brain functions. It isn't a scintillating read but it does clarify the need to figure out who your real friends are and call them / message them / hang out.
• 
  Valentina Thoerner

  Maybe I had the wrong expectations, I expected something more practical than a review of all the science experiments the author was involved in. Some of the insights are interesting (e.g. the 7 pillars of friendship), though very much spread out through the book. The last chapter feels rushed to put COVID into context last minute, and I'd loved a bit more analysis of the role of diversity for both the resilience and the innovation of community/circles of friends.
  That said, if you want to get insights into all kinds of research in the area of friendship and relationship, this is the book for you.
• 
  Gabi

  This book, although it's not bad, was a bit of a letdown for me. In many sections, the author presents you with information that you already know intuitively or find unsurprising, then tells you about some research that confirms the idea or explains the scientific background to the phenomenon, such as biochemistry or active brain regions. It is interesting, but it may not rock your world.
• 
  Chris Boutté

  I’ve heard of “Dunbar’s number” a million times, but I’ve never actually read any of Robin Dunbar’s work, so this was my introduction to him. This book was surprisingly good, and I only say that because some books on relationships only cover the good side. As someone who was an addict until I was 27 and group up in a toxic household, I respect when someone researches and writes about at least some of the dark side of relationships.
  
  Dunbar is an evolutionary psychologist who studies relationships, and this book has so much awesome research. In this book, you’ll learn why your friends are your friends and why you lose touch with certain people. The book also discusses why we trust people, why relationships go south, and so much more. I think my favorite chapter by far was the last chapter on social media. You’d think this book would demonize social media like so many others, but it has a balanced, nuanced take and a solid interpretation of the research.
  
  There were a couple of portions of the book that lost my interest, but it was rare, so I definitely recommend it for anyone who wants to learn more about the importance of relationships.
  
• 
  Aldu Duminy

  Well researched and filled with so many interesting insights. Who would’ve thought our relationship patterns are so standard and predictable?!
  Unfortunately the author did not give sufficient ‘next steps’ to explain what the information means for future relationships and how to improve relationships post-COVID.
  It’s not a light read (references many academic studies) but definitely worth the time and focus!
• 
  po.czytane

  3.75
• 
  Anna

  This book accompanied me through a summer of thinking about friendship and the reflections were of such nature that I found myself constantly sharing and discussing them with others around me. My only regret is that the ending did not offer a summary of some sort and that the expressed views on gender were rather traditional.
• 
  Kate Hornstein

  Read as though it was written over 10 years ago...not much on Covid, dating apps, social media, how friendship has changed. There's research, but the research seems scant in many places. Liked all the examples from the animal kingdom. Also would have liked to read more about people who are happy being alone, rather than all loners being social miscreants.
• 
  Phoebe

  I bought this book when I was randomly strolling in a bookstore, contemplating an issue I had with a friend. However, since then the book was left unopened on my bookshelf — until one day, another friend introduced 'Dunbar's number' to me. Dunbar's number is named after Robin Dunbar, who contended that each person can only maintain 150 meaningful relationship at a time. Our discussion motivated me to read the book (finally).
  
  This book explores different aspects of friendships. It seeks to explain, for example, what binds the bonds of friendship, what role trust plays in friendship, and how men and women treat friends differently. Overall, it is a very informative book. I learnt more about my social self and friendships from a scientific perspective. A commendable read!
• 
  Mr G Ali

  Very time consuming but no conclusion
  
  The book is full of research and different kind of studies but no conclusion and no summery which one can put into practice. It would have been better to write a short book with conclusion from all the data which has been put forward.
• 
  Jonathan Li

  The first few chapters were boring and almost put me off the book. However, persistence paid off, and there are plenty of gems in this book, well worth the read.
• 
  Richard Subber

  This is a great book.
  Robin Dunbar fans will recognize his deeply informed, very readable prose, and his comfortable and spectacular familiarity with quite a number of well-researched points of view.
  Friends will confirm what you already know, on some level: friends and close family members are essential in your personal and social life, and you don’t have very many of them.
  Typically, a person has five close friends/family members with whom she can share anything and everything, as often as possible. These five intimates are part of the circle of about 15 “best friends” that are nurtured and enjoyed in the greater part of the time you spend socializing, that is, being with and being in contact with other people.
  Impersonal contact via social media is not a substitute for actually spending time with your friends. (By the way, nobody has 897 "friends” on Faceboook or SnapChat—if you think you do, try calling them and getting them to meet you for coffee or anything else to drink.)
  Staying in touch with friends is especially important for old-timers. You can literally live longer if you maintain some active friendships.
  The basis thing about friendship is trust: you know the other person well enough to understand how he thinks, and you trust him to act accordingly, and you know you can ask him for help if you need it.
  Read more of my book reviews and poems here:
  
  www.richardsubber.com
• 
  Websterdavid3

  I feel fortunate to have come upon a Podcast with Alan Alda that led me to this book.
  
  There are some concepts I've never really grasped-- about mentalisazation and it's seven+ levels;
  about conversation groups always splitting off after 4 members [it seems true!]
  About some primate/ape behaviors based sex differences.
  Zahavi's Handicap Principle and how it explains young men taking personal risks [perhaps in order to procreate with smitten young women?] as well as male peacock styling.
  Some of the biochemistry of love;
  And intrigued with the idea that men may [Dunbar says DO] be better at friendship after competition because they may have to work together with the other men to defend the community.
  
  And reading some comments reminded me that Dunbar follows in the hallowed footsteps [or is that hollowed footsteps?] of so many science advocates by citing ONLY their own studies as proofs. Very few scientists actually explain alternative views and offer critiques of their own and others' views. Almost none. Too bad.
  
  So I am sorta a Dunbar fan boy-- certainly asks great questions. Maybe answers them.
• 
  Jeannette

  I'm not using my usual criteria in giving this a five star rating. That is because an extra star goes to Robin for being a colleague when I was in Cambridge England at Madingley, the Sub Department of Animal Behavior. Yes, I'm biased, having been aware of "Dunbar's Number" for many years. I'm very glad that he has finally written up the many years of research on friendship. Not only his voluminous work, but many many named researchers.
  Dunbar goes over just about everything you can think of: nervous system, physiology, hormones, neural transmitters, all kinds of scans and tests, genetics, behavior, history, history of research, love, psychology. Reading through all these appetizers, morsels, side dishes, entrees, etc is overwhelming. A glut in the mind. But after savoring and digesting a bit I'm let with a nutritious view of friendships, their importance, how they work, or don't, over age and by gender and background. A must read for anyone with friends and curiosity about their development, maintenance, and loss.
• 
  Harley Quinn

  2.5⭐: Painful at times. Not much better than the last science-y book on friendship I listened to. People need to learn to reign themselves in! There is a whole lot in here that is not directly applicable to friendship. Such a waste. Boring read... lots of studies and data. It needs storytelling and more application to friendship, not proving yet again that humans are animals and let me talk about these 14 studies from only slightly different angles. The author narrated, and could have found a more lively person for that job.
• 
  Annie

  I jumped through the book to read through most of it - some interesting tidbits of information! As a fan of friendship, I enjoyed reading about its importance and becoming more mindful of its formation. The chapters about gender divides feel too-broadstroked to me; I remembered a lot of talking about averages but less about range / how the data is shaped, which is where a lot of pop science falls short. Overall a pretty fun read.
• 
  Loraine

  This is a book meant for other researchers in this field, and no one else.
  
  It's 95% a recounting all the various studies, going into excruciating details about why this idea wouldn't work, why that idea actually didn't work, and all the minutiae of setting up the study that absolutely no one gives a shit about except for other researchers. And even then, I can't really imagine how it would be very interesting or useful. The useful bits are in the results.
• 
  Kair Käsper

  I was half-expecting this book to be another one of those popular
  Gladwell-style meta-science books but was pleasantly surprised. Not only did the book talk about social interactions, their importance, and significance in the development of homo sapiens, but the author is a legit subject matter expert.
• 
  Trâm

  2.5 stars // Interesting content, fleshed out my recent musings regarding friendships more. The writing is nothing remarkable; very straight forward and readable.
  
  I wish Dunbar had elaborated more on the seven pillars of friendship, though, but I guess they haven't done any specific follow-ups on it (yet).
• 
  Mark

  I think the overall score of this book in Goodreads is a misrepresentation of its quality. Some reviewers seem to go in expecting a more pop science type of book and become disappointed when they find out it is academic at its core. That's a pro, not a con. This provides very interesting insights, though at times it is a little too self-serving.