The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss by Richard Coles

The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss Reviews

• 
  Emily Carter-Dunn

  Richard Coles' civil partner, David, died in December 2019 due to complications arising from his alcoholism. Whilst Coles had grown accustomed to David's quirks and side-effects due to his illness, his death was sudden and unexpected.
  
  The Madness of Grief covers the period of David's death from the evening when he first became ill to just after the funeral. A few short weeks over the festive period that David loved so much. How does one carry on when the one you love so much has died? What would they have liked at their funeral? What do you do with all their stuff? These are all questions Coles faced following David's death and with the help of friends and family he strode on.
  
  I loved this book. It was so honest and the way Coles spoke about his life with David, it is like you could get to know him.
  
  I read a review that said that this book was all about Coles. Well, of course! It is a memoir about how he dealt with an incredibly difficult time of his life. What else would it be about?
• 
  Margaret

  Madness of Grief. A memoir of Love and Loss
  
  I really resonated with this book. Can't say I enjoyed because for me it was close to home. I lost my husband after 46 years of marriage on 23rd December 2020. He had been ill throughout the difficult pandemic year his health deteriorated and I knew it was essential for him to go into hospital. It was difficult because of the situation. He was admitted 11th December. Initially had tested negative for the virus. A couple days later a patient insisted ward tested positive adding to his issues. A week later his health deteriorating he also tested positive so was moved to a covid ward! We managed to persuade them to let me visit. I arrived with a wedding photo. He did not know me! I got a phone call later that night night he had gone. We had no children and family to far away to organise a bubble. I spent Christmas alone. The moods of anger and despondency I relate with. So thank you Richard it has helped me.
• 
  Becca Foster

  I think I must have missed something with this book. I was hoping for a raw and emotional account of a vicar’s experience of losing a spouse and the aftermath, how he coped, and how he managed this alongside his unwavering faith. Instead, it was very descriptive, mainly of his visits to friends - not interesting - and only covered the first couple of weeks after his partner’s death. The random paragraphs in italics throughout the book randomly referred to holidays and seemed to me like they did not fit. I just didn’t get this book. 2.5 stars.
• 
  Sara

  FYI: I don't rate memoirs and biographies. I don't feel comfortable rating someone's life experiences and feelings - especially in this instance.
  
  I have very recently had an unexpected and sudden death in the family. My head has not been in a great place, and I found I could not concentrate on anything to read. I reached for this because I wanted a shared experience with someone who would understand, and this book was either going to make or break me.
  
  Reverend Richard Coles lost his partner David very suddenly just before Christmas 2019. In The Madness of Grief the reader sees his journey in the immediate run up and aftermath of David's death, with a little bit of background about their lives together. It wasn't easy to read, I knew it wasn't going to be. At times I felt so heavy reading this, so full of emotion and drawing parallels between our presentation of grief. It's such a complicated emotion, grief. It's not just sadness but rather a tumultuous explosion of guilt and anger, sadness and a dash of humility. Or at least, it is for me. It's a random rollercoaster ride of thoughts and actions that leave me feeling exhausted and empty. And lost. Very lost. To see Richard visiting his friends and extended family I could understand why he felt the need to do this, see his desperate attempt to reconnect with his life 'before' David in order to try and re-establish himself. To find a point to it all.
  
  Add into the story that Richard has 5 dachshunds (I have one) and I just couldn't help drawing an affinity for his journey. I was ultimately left feeling very touched, and not quite alone.
  
  Very triggering, I don't think I could have read this at any other point in my life than now. But I'm also incredibly thankful that I found this when I did.
• 
  Rebecca

  (3.5) I knew Coles by reputation as one of the UK’s media-friendly vicars like Kate Bottley, and I vaguely remember hearing that his partner died in December 2019, likely through others’ engagement with his announcement on Twitter. I know he has also been associated with Greenbelt Festival, where I used to be a regular. But I happen not to have come across his speaking engagements, his previous books, his 1980s pop music (the Communards), or his BBC radio program. I requested this from the library because I’ll read any bereavement memoir going, and was interested to see how his faith informed his reaction.
  
  Coles’s long-term partner, David, was also an ordained priest, and although the Church of England does not recognize same-sex marriages, it did acknowledge the civil partnership they had been in since 2010 (though some cruel people who call themselves Christians took it upon themselves to write to him and tell him David was in hell and he’d go there, too). David died at age 42 of a GI bleed; Coles does not reveal until nearly halfway through the book that the ultimate cause of death was alcohol addiction, mostly because he doesn’t want a complex and beloved human being to be reduced to a label. But he is speaking out about it now because such secrets only hurt people. In addition to enumerating David’s good points, he is honest about the habits that drove him mad and the ways in which they had drifted apart.
  
  The book has a limited time span: from December 13th, when David was hospitalized, until January 3, 2020, the day of his funeral. But Coles opens the picture outward through flashbacks from their relationship and flash-forwards, in italics, to show how he was coping with grief nearly a year later. He avoids religious platitudes, focusing on the practical and universal aspects of loss. “The Christian hope of life beyond death seemed suddenly rather abstract, and so I had decided to start the admin, which is mountainous” – he later dubs it “sadmin.” There was so much paperwork to file, so many possessions to sort through, and some wrenching tasks that had been performed, like giving away three of their five dachshunds when he realized there were too many dogs for him to look after on his own.
  
  Coles strikes me as effete, though perhaps that’s unfair when I’ve never seen or heard him in the flesh. He is surprisingly posh: his ancestors owned the boot factory that employed all the locals, and he spends his first Christmas as a widow with Charles Spencer (Princess Diana’s brother) and family. Even when writing about the gloomiest topics, he is witty: “It is hard to think of anything more English than standing in Waitrose in Eastbourne, the object of distanced sympathy, by people buying forced rhubarb and salsify.” He also has a good eye for a telling scene: the one that stands out to me is when, after David’s death, he goes to Hay-on-Wye and buys an expensive leather-bound copy of In Memoriam, only for one of the dachshunds to chew the cover off.
  
  At times I felt this story needed more time to settle; it was clearly written quickly during a time of lockdown, and I often appreciate more hindsight in a memoir (Mary Karr says to give it seven years before writing about an experience). However, the immediacy does allow him to capture the emotion and confusion of his loss in a way that should resonate with many, even those not of a religious background. This should appeal to readers who enjoyed
  On the Red Hill by Mike Parker.
  
  (Coles mentions a surgeon he met who’d worked in Syria and nearly broke down when the Queen asked him what it was like at the hospitals there. She saw his distress and invited him to give treats to her corgis to help him recover his composure. I recognized this scene from
  War Doctor – it happened to David Nott.)
  
  A favorite passage:
  
  “Death is the enemy, and we want to contend, so we try to establish rules of engagement for a fair fight, but there is no fair fight, and there are no rules of engagement. You have no power.”
• 
  Alan Hamilton

  To be honest, I am not sure what I was expecting from this book.
  
  I didn't have any real knowledge of Richard Coles before I read the book - I was aware that he was on Strictly Come Dancing and only found out from the book that he was in the Communards. It emerges during the book that Richard sees himself as a 'celebrity vicar'. So, given that description, I'm quite glad that he hasn't appeared on my radar!
  
  So, what was I expecting? Given the title of the book, I was expecting a good smattering of madness and some understanding of how Richard's faith had helped him to deal with grief. I didn't receive either. Instead, I got a number of pretty mundane stories of the his life, including a number of name dropped celebrities. If I hadn't known from the title, I am not certain that I would have appreciated that he is a man of the cloth.
  
  There was very little appreciation of the pain that his partner must have gone through over many years and how Richard had supported him (perhaps that is covered elsewhere?). He talked a lot about love, but was also very quick to point out his partner's failings.
  
  Overall, I felt it was less about how he dealt with his partner's death and more about Richard's (celebrity) lifestyle. The book smacked of "me, me, me, me". This is recognised in Page 130, when Richard recognises that he "should have been kinder, loved him more strongly, made him happier. I could have done, but I did not, because I was too self-absorbed".
  
  That said, there are a number of very amusing anecdotes and his writing style is warm and friendly.
  
  So, I didn't really warm to Richard Coles and learned very little of the madness of grief. Perhaps a better title could have chosen. I'll refrain from suggesting one......
• 
  G.J.

  A short, very personal story of the death and burial of the partner of Rev Richard Coles. It is written with depth of feeling, not leaving out the anger and frustration amongst the deep sadness. I know little about David ( his partner ) other than he suffered from alcohol related illness. I believe the Reverend has now resigned his post in the church because of the CofE stance on gay marriage.
• 
  Rebecca

  This is the most beautiful love poem I've ever read. It is a song to love of a partner, love of nature, love of dogs, love of God and love of love.
  There were parts of the book which almost broke me but do not be put off because the wit and warmth are wonderfully uplifting. As you would expect from surely one of the kindest people on earth, Richard Coles is a generous, thoughtful writer, who is as kind to his readers as he is to everyone.
  This is a story which needed to be told and a book which needs to be read.
• 
  Angela Mcowan

  A beautifully written and poignant book, very moving.
• 
  Janet

  I read this book in two sittings - I would have devoured it in one, but a) I did a lot of Googling whilst reading, looking up places and music, amongst other things, and; b) it got late and was struggling to keep my eyes open, and didn't want to miss anything in the beautiful, moving, sad, uplifting recounting of Richard's grief at losing this beloved life partner, David, so young. Their relationship wasn't always plain sailing, but their deep love for one another shines through. Richard writes so eloquently about his feelings of loss, anger and bewilderment. It starts shortly before David's death and he takes us through the whole experience. It was so beautifully written and so touching and, despite the sad nature of it, it wasn't gloomy - indeed, there are definite flashes of humour. I have meant to read his other books for a long time, and after finishing this one I am definitely going to.
• 
  Chris Hinchley

  I don’t share Richard’s faith but I share his spirituality and as I enjoy his Facebook posts I was pleased to be given this book by my husband as an Easter gift. It’s a very good read and as another gay man who was unexpectedly widowed 15 years ago I was interested to see how his terrain of grief compared with my own. It’s a brave, honest and intimate account.
• 
  Bridget Brooks

  Like many in the UK, I like Richard Coles and know of him as a presenter of Saturday Live on Radio 4 every Saturday morning as well as having enjoyed his participation in Strictly Come Dancing a few years ago. Some may not realise that he is also a musician and was in the Communards in the 1980s with Jimmy Sommerville. He is a ‘national treasure’ or a ‘national trinket’ as we learn his partner David once commented. He is also a parish priest of a village parish in Northamptonshire.
  
  He lived with his partner David, who was also an ordained priest, until the latter’s death in December 2019. This book covers that short period of time between when it became obvious David was dying to his funeral in January 2020, with brief allusions to the following months.
  
  It is a compelling and movingly honest read. Obviously, Coles’ feelings are still very raw as he struggles to come to terms with the unexpected death of his partner who was a mere 42 years old. We understand at the beginning that the cause of death is a gastro-intestinal bleed and only learn much later that the root cause of this is alcohol.
  
  Coles is honest about the difficulties that living with an addict can cause but at times berates himself for not being kind or understanding enough during David’s life. He misses him dreadfully and asks himself whether he showed his appreciation enough of all that David did. I’m sure that these are feelings experienced by many in his situation. He describes all the jobs he has to do after the death, the ‘sadmin’ and at times feels overwhelmed. Fortunately, he has wonderfully supportive family and friends who listen, help and share the load.
  
  This is a painfully honest read but Coles still manages to inject humour as well as pain in his writing. I hope that it was cathartic for him to write and that he is learning to live with his loss.
• 
  Amber Rush

  I really didn't know whether to give this three or four stars so I'll give it the benefit of the doubt. Reverend Richard Coles expresses the beauty and hardship of grief in a form that usually many would think somewhat narcissistic but never comes across like that. I feel the book needs to be better promoted as a memoir rather than in the spirituality section as it is focused on his own experiences of loss. He manages to express the idea that what people traditionally tell you about grief is simply the actions of those that have never grieved in the same way that you have. His Christianity is obviously present and I appreciated that as it allowed me to deepen my own knowledge of my faith at the same time. He also understands that while you may be devout in your faith, as he and his husband are/were being vicars, it is also difficult to comprehend the loss - in turn, we have to find the balance of both our religious and our secular lives. The personal and deeply emotional account of his partner's death allows us to feel as if we too are part of their journey - as do the stages of grief. Overall, it was a book that I needed to read and was glad I have done so but people need to be more aware that it is a memoir. 3.75/5
• 
  Sharon

  I’ve followed this author on Twitter for some time, silently watching his grief, sadness and loneliness unfolding over those first few months after his partner, David died. This is an honest and heart-breaking account of how he dealt with his loss. Told over the timescale of only a few weeks, the author has interspersed the paragraphs with short snippets of his life today, leaving the main part of the book dealing with the events leading up to and after David’s death.
  
  Of course, by nature of the subject, it’s not a nice read – death is never nice to read about. The author doesn’t hold back his feelings though and at times it felt like I was prying into his grief. It’s a sad read, but the author has managed to shine a little light into the darkest of subjects with his warm-hearted, moving and often humorous style of writing. I have to admit I have cried, smiled and even guiltily laughed my way through this book. The author is someone you connect with straight away and comes across as someone you would love to know, be friends with and, more importantly, be there for when he needed someone
  
  Only a person who has lost someone close to them can ever understand the grief that you go through. I am still struggling some years on from losing my father, but this book does help you realise that not only is grief dealt with in different ways but it’s also such a natural thing and something which shouldn’t be hidden away. I’m not a religious person, but rest in peace David, and God bless you, Richard Coles. This is a beautifully written book, would definitely recommend.
  
• 
  Robin Fox

  I could never have known when I pre-ordered this that it would arrive just a week after the death of my own partner, to whom I had got engaged just 10 days before. Consequently, I could only read a few pages at a time - it was just too near the bone.
  Rev Coles could now have known that he would be writing about my own story - not just the grief, but his and my partner having to yell "Do you not get it?"
  I had to laugh out loud when Richard likened David to Imelda in the shoe department - that was how Steve referred to me.
  I have cried, I have laughed, I have shared grief, I have remembered joy.
  I can only pray that in the tears there is healing.
• 
  Melanie

  I feel bad only giving this 2 stars, but I thought it would be more about their life together and his feelings afterwards, and how he coped. There was a lot of name dropping (aristocracy and of the clergy) and a lot about church procedures, and a lot of day to day stuff like going to see the film cats and going for meals. There were moving moments and it was touching in places, but overall it was a hard going and I had to force myself to finish this.
• 
  Lindsay

  This was such a moving, honest exploration of grief. Rev Cole is so brave for writing about his most painful moments of his partners death and dealt with it all with grace and humour. Whilst i would say it was a fun read it was still enjoyable and interesting. I didn’t rate this as I think you can really rate a persons experience of grief.
• 
  David Campton

  A relatively brief book where Richard Coles articulates the events and feelings around the death of his civil partner David due to the effects of his alcoholism. As a vicar Coles offers an interesting perspective on going through this process that he (and I and other clerics) have played a role in through over the years, without fully understanding the experience "from the other side." He is dismissive of Kubler-Ross's "stages of grief" and as someone going through it (particularly at such an early "stage" as this was written), such "forensic" approaches are meaningless, only really being helpful to inform the observing professional. For the person in the middle of the maelstrom of grief it is much more like madness... an almost unreal psychotic experience. Coles' self-awareness is helpful here and his tendency to enjoy living his life in the public eye, be it on TV, Radio, Twitter or at the front of a church clearly made writing this a therapeutic experience that such disclosure would not be for others (although it was really moving to read his recognition of that desire to be in the public eye breaking down as the funeral began). This, his celebrity, his circle of friends (not everyone can escape to Althorp for Christmas in their grief) and his sexuality might cause some to write off this account of grief as being highly particular and personal... but every grief story is unique, and thus is universal. I hope that writing this not only helped Richard but many others. I especially hope that some reading this will see that this sense of grief is the same regardless of one's sexuality... a really painful part of this account were the repeated "intrusions" of the police made necessary by the hate mail received, most from people of supposed faith. Sadly I doubt that such individuals will read this book to learn the impact of their actions. It is also useful to hear the experience of a professional Christian in such a setting. Christian faith is not an inoculation to grief, indeed at times it can make it more complex, as the "sure and certain hope" does not erase the present pain.
• 
  Sophy H

  A brutally honest book from Richard Coles about the death of his partner in 2019 and the aftermath of this traumatic life changing event.
  
  The writing here is raw, candid and revelatory, with Coles even admitting to and apologising for his own faults and shortcomings within their partnership.
  
  Grief is a many faceted phenomenon and Coles shows us every possible side here, all whilst trying to muddle through and forge a "new" life going forward as a widow.
  
  Sad and emotional, and at times infuriating when reading about the homophobic and vitriolic comments Richard receives in his time of grief.
  
  Well worth a read.
• 
  Kat Darling

  Very sweet and gentle reflection on the aftermath of the death of his partner from Rev Richard Coles, who I inexplicably love. It’s not the best memoir I’ve ever read, but it made me smile and cry a little and I’d recommend.
• 
  Aisling Doonan

  This book was a recommendation from a friend, randomly, for no other reason than she was reading it and enjoying it. I am not religious and I have never lost a spouse, but I was intrigued by it and I'm very glad I read it. It is not a depressing book, but it is full of truth and acceptance. The one major thing that stuck with me was that from the very first page you can see that Richard and David are a devoted couple. It is something you expect, especially in retrospect from the author, but it wasn't twee or contrived. Although briefly mentioned from the beginning, it is about halfway through that David's demons are spoken about. What really stayed with me was how Richard accepted his flaws and loved him so deeply regardless. He didn't allow them to define David, but they were part of him all the same. It is something I don't think I'll forget. A very engaging read with some real humour.
• 
  Kate Moreton

  A beautiful depiction of grief over the course of a matter of weeks (from death to funeral). Important intersections of grief/spirituality/LGBT+. Would recommend to anyone wanting to know more about how it all feels, and those ready to seek comfort and solidarity from reading of another’s experience of bereavement. Plus there are sausage dogs.