| Title | : | Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 5) |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | - |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Kindle Edition |
| Number of Pages | : | 176 |
| Publication | : | First published April 13, 2020 |
Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 5) Reviews
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*3.5 stars rounded up*
What a nifty little book. I notoriously talk to everyone so at first I thought it wasn’t going to be of much use to me as I couldn’t relate to being terribly hopeless in everyday conversation- but there are some good pointers and suggestions from which even the seasoned conversationalist can learn. From talking points to storytelling and mirroring to how we carry ourselves while speaking, this book is full of cute and insightful guides to help prevent dull, boring, and otherwise uninteresting interactions with other social humans. Generally, if you think you know it all already, you’re probably not as good at a tête-à-tête as you may think you are!
People claim to hate small talk, but that’s probably just because they’re having the wrong kind. It’s essential in the realm of getting to know someone. You can’t jump in with all your personal baggage and opinions because then people will get turned off and call you an over-sharer. You can’t develop a deeper relationship without setting the groundwork and backbone of ice-breaking. One of the reasons we hate people on the internet is because they give too much of their opinions in comments prior to us knowing anything further about them, leading us to form solidified first impressions of dislike. One of the reasons people open up to us after we compliment them is because we’ve found a chip in their spiky exterior. Some people find bold, uninhibited questions to be refreshing and enticing (like me) while others need the necessary steps in order to fully open up. This practical little book is full of conversational insight, especially when it teaches about the practice of Elicitation, HPM, SBR, and EDR. -
> Human beings are a social species.
Platitudes to fill in the space. Is there any substance?
> A 2010 study by Matthias Mehl
Who the f is that and why should I care?
> At the same time, the researchers also measured
It certainly looks like this volume is not a direct consequence of that study, rather the study is the improvised crutch to help a half-baked argument.
> There you have it; real evidence
Nope. Just a dishonest appeal to authority, because my cousin's wife's friend's boy heard that.
> Is this habit still serving us well?
Just another e-book guilt-tripping his own audience. Disgusting.
> A 2014 study by Epley and Schroeder
Oh, it's Epppeley. And it's the now infamous "A" study.
> but just as important is the way you prepare your body.
Two chapters down the drain. The third doesn't look any better.
> After climbing down
A page wasted. Copied from an out of copyright book, it says nothing with many words.
> Most people don’t barrel into conversation headfirst. Rather, they gently dip a toe in and test the waters.
Crap remarks intended to make a stupid man deep, at least in his opinion. -
Felt like this was a lot of stating the obvious. I also have a massive distaste for books with chapter summaries. If you can provide a 3-5 bullet chapter summary distilling the same content in the chapter, maybe reconsider the whole book thing and instead publish an article
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I was surprised by how useful this book was! Although I found every chapter useful, the standout chapter for me was #5 - on Compliments. Lots of good tips and everyone would benefit from reading it. I also appreciated the illustrative examples the author provided throughout the book; it helps the reader see their potentially flawed actions from another person's perspective. The result is greater emotional intelligence, another key trait for improved conversation skills.
Highly recommended book, and a quick read with many actionable points and exercises to immediately improve your skills and your perspective about conversations. I have a lot of takeaways from the book and saw immediate improvements in conversations while reading it. -
I was really looking for a more scholarly approach. Or at least something more than "here are some things that occurred to me". The book was slightly better than what I could imagine being a stilted guide to conversation for people that are afraid of conversations. But, really not that much better than that bar.
Ok, I just wanted to hear about medium talk. And I came away a bit empty-handed, maybe other than an anecdote about the name for a particular spot of elephant hair. -
Has elevated me from “Busy night tonight, drive?”
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Okay, so small talk sucks. There is nothing that inspires more dread in me than small talk, particularly with strangers at cocktail parties. Small talk is literally soul-killing, but is a necessary prelude to deeper conversations, which I do enjoy. I've read Carnegie a bunch, and screw that antiquated nonsense. King is a self-credentialed charisma coach, which can conceal a lot of sins, but his advice makes sense, and falls into three major categories.
First, small talk is a skill that can be practiced, so practice it on victims who can't flee, like co-workers or retail employees. Be reasonable here, but you can try and move beyond. "How are you? Fine. And you? Fine." You can also warm up on your own time with dramatic reading and free-association exercises.
Second, you should prepare a conversational resume, short answers to questions about yourself and current events using the 1:1:1 format of (1) one action, (2) one emotion to be evoked, and (3) a one-sentence summary, advice which is particularly useful to me because as a person with letters after my name, I am by nature very wordy.
Finally, study reporters doing after game interviews of athletes for a model of how to ask good structured questions. It's worth taking the extra time to lay out a question that invites the other person to respond with a detailed story about themselves or their opinion on an issue, because that makes them feel appreciated, and details give you something to continue the conversation with. A question that can be terminated with a simple yes or no is a bad one. After game questions are a great example, because athletes are exhausted, amped up, and typically not selected for their expressiveness, yet reporters get something out of them.
There is also some general advice about letting the conversation flow, using compliments to get people to open up, and appreciative listening. This book is part of a 20+ book series, and I'm deeply skeptical that there's enough in this model to sustain 20+ books, but it's reasonable for $4 and a couple of hours, and I might get the one on listening. -
Audiobook. Well i apparently have the conversational filter and skills of an 8 year old. I can talk to random strangers easier than acquaintances because stakes are low. I have employed many of the techniques for "meeting new people" or "talking to strangers" with everyone in my life for 30+ years. I have a hard time with work colleagues because I have historically gotten myself into trouble with lack of filter and tact. Aka conversational skills of an 8yo don't go over well at work. Tbh the techniques suggested here will not help the issues I'm having. Maybe they are good suggesting for some people especially introverts but you'd have to go to a group boot camp and practice these techniques for a year before you'd ever be comfortable in a new situation.
One piece of legit advice to memorize: "what's the most interesting thing you did this weekend (or insert any appropriate day/time/season/year)?" And then actually listen. Now you don't have to bother reading the book unless you have access to said group shall talk therapy. -
This book was AWESOME!! I’m definitely going to have to read it several more times to really commit everything to memory but I feel much more confident in conversation now with these tips!
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Uh huh
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La gran mayoría de las charlas no suelen ser significativas, las "grandes conversaciones" sí, pero, para tenerlas, requerimos de las charlas, de esas breves interacciones, muchas veces con extraños, que potencialmente pueden acabar por convertirse en "grandes conversaciones".
Patrick King nos ofrece un manual de consejos para intentar mejorar nuestras charlas. Para empezar, debemos cambiar la mentalidad y salir de nuestro modo antisocial que solemos tener por defecto los retraídos. Obligarnos a las interacciones diarias, constantes, aunque sean mínimas.
Okay, logramos dar el primer paso y romper el hielo. ¿Qué sigue? Mantener la conversación y evitar los silencios incómodos se convierte en un reto. King nos comparte algunas ideas para continuar la conversación. En primer lugar, entender que parte del trabajo se inicia desde antes, por ejemplo: tener un currículo de conversación preparado o una serie de mini historias basadas en nuestro día a día. Además, la práctica continua proporciona habilidades que nos permitirán dar fluidez a las charlas. Practicar la asociación libre de ideas es un gran ejercicio.
Las charlas no son unilaterales, por contradictorio que parezca, probablemente la mejor habilidad de un gran conversador es saber escuchar. King también aporta varias ideas en caso de que a la otra parte se le dificulte la conversación. Podemos hacer preguntas hábiles y perspicaces que lo obliguen a conversar. Podemos hacerlo sentir cómodo, libre de expresarse sin temor a ser juzgado con severidad.
El último capítulo invita a la reflexión: ¿Eres alguien con quien resulta se antoja charlar? ¿Alguien que llena de energía y que hace a las personas sentir curiosidad? Para ello, debemos ser personas interesantes, que abordan la vida de forma activa, que son curiosas y desean aprender más. Pretender saberlo todo, ser criticones, juzgar el mundo en blanco y negro nos alejarán de los demás. En cambio, si buscamos mejorar a diario, aprender un poco más, abrimos nuestra mente a nuevas ideas; tendremos mucho por compartir, nos volveremos interesantes y nos rodearemos de personas que también lo son. -
Just finished reading this book, and I want to read it again. I don't know how it's for you, but for me it described my "social skills" situation like none of the small talk books that I have read. So this book will be read at least 2 more times. At first when I have read the reviews it didn't seem that it a good book, but by reading I understood the value.
This is one of those books that you need to read multiple times, and practice what you read, not only collecting it on a dusty self deep in your mind. -
Un libro con sencillos tips que inspiran a cambiar a uno con la intención de ser alguien interesante y poder conectar con los demás a la hora de conversar. Sin duda, algo que me llamó la atención es lo importante que se vuelve la conversación (cara a cara, nada de pantallas y WhatsApp) en un mundo donde vivimos de prisa y pareciera que el tiempo para conectar con los demás se ha perdido. ¿En qué momento dejamos todo? No permitamos que los dispositivos y las aplicaciones nos desconecten de quienes están a nuestro alredededor.
IG: @soyalejandrogarza -
Worth the effort
"Better Small Talk" is an enlightening and enriching guide that meticulously addresses the art of conversation. It decodes the complexities of human interaction, highlighting the importance of quality conversations over quantity. The book is a treasure trove of insightful ideas, backed by studies that link loneliness to severe health issues, asserting that meaningful interactions can be as vital to our well-being as good diet and exercise.
What's truly transformative about "Better Small Talk" is its potential to metamorphose our conversations from mundane exchanges to deeper, intimate interactions. The book equips the readers with practical techniques to elevate their conversational skills and to derive fulfillment from social interactions. These techniques are not just explained theoretically but are presented with real-life examples, making them easily understandable and applicable.
Another noteworthy aspect is the emphasis on personal development. The book encourages readers to become 'interesting' by living an engaged life, filled with diverse experiences, reading, and a curiosity to learn. It advocates the power of saying 'yes' and embracing life's opportunities, hence, making one not just a better conversationalist, but a more interesting individual overall.
"Better Small Talk" also emphasizes the essential virtue of non-judgment. The author encourages readers to offer understanding and an open mind to others, fostering a sense of respect and curiosity, rather than judgment or minimization. This principle, presented with compelling arguments, enhances the book's appeal, driving home the message of respect and empathy in interactions.
In my opinion "Better Small Talk" is a captivating read that transcends the borders of a conventional self-help book. It is an enlightening exploration of the art of conversation, offering practical techniques, thought-provoking insights, and valuable life lessons. A must-read for anyone aspiring to improve their interpersonal skills and live a more fulfilling life. -
"Mejorando las charlas" es un libro que ofrece una guía práctica y efectiva sobre cómo abordar las conversaciones y mejorar nuestras habilidades sociales. Desde el inicio, el autor nos invita a practicar con desconocidos y nos anima a adentrarnos gradualmente en la socialización, ya sea a nivel personal o en el ámbito de los negocios.
Lo que destaca de este libro es su enfoque científico para abordar el tema de las charlas. El autor explora la importancia de la socialización en nuestra salud mental y emocional, respaldando sus ideas con investigaciones y estudios. Esto no solo aporta credibilidad, sino que también me ayudó a comprender la relevancia de poner en práctica las habilidades comunicativas en nuestra vida diaria.
"Mejorando las charlas" resulta especialmente beneficioso para personas introvertidas, como yo. El libro aborda de manera comprensiva los desafíos que enfrentamos al entablar conversaciones o acercarnos a otras personas. A través de consejos prácticos y estrategias, el autor nos guía para superar nuestras barreras internas y cambiar nuestra perspectiva sobre la importancia de las interacciones sociales.
Personalmente, este libro ha sido transformador para mí. Ha cambiado mi forma de ver las charlas y me ha brindado herramientas para mejorar mis habilidades comunicativas. Me ha permitido enfrentar de manera más confiada las situaciones sociales y me ha dado la seguridad para establecer conexiones más significativas con los demás.
En resumen, "Mejorando las charlas" es un libro ideal para aquellos que desean mejorar sus habilidades sociales y superar las barreras de la introversión. Su enfoque práctico, respaldado por la ciencia, proporciona valiosos consejos y estrategias para abordar las conversaciones con confianza. Este libro me ha cambiado la perspectiva sobre el tema y ha tenido un impacto positivo en mi vida. Lo recomiendo encarecidamente a todos aquellos que deseen potenciar sus habilidades comunicativas y disfrutar de relaciones sociales más enriquecedoras. -
Summary of ideas from the book:
- Deep, meaningful conversations require initial small talk.
- Expectations of constant excitement in conversations can lead to disappointment.
- Strong social connections can alleviate chronic pain.
- The process of conversation can be divided into four stages: small talk, sharing facts, sharing opinions and finding common ground, and finally sharing feelings.
- Preparation for conversation is necessary and can include low-pressure interactions and vocal warm-ups.
- Maintain your natural communication style instead of trying to be overly expressive.
- Develop a "conversation résumé" - a list of interesting things about yourself.
- Expanding your field of reference and being open-minded can enhance conversation skills.
- Approaching strangers for conversation can be easier with an excuse or a question about common interests.
- Creating a pleasant, easy-going atmosphere is essential for good conversations.
- Transitioning to and exploring new topics is a crucial conversation skill.
- Use response techniques like History, Philosophy, Metaphor (HPM); Specific, Broad, Related (SBR); and Emotion, Detail, Restatement (EDR) to keep conversation flowing.
- Being good at telling stories is a key element of engaging in conversation.
- Limit stories to one event and one sentiment to keep them concise and compelling.
- Giving others room to contribute and showing that you're listening are important conversational skills.
- Be willing to let go of your point if the conversation moves in a different direction.
- Keep your contributions brief; others might not be as interested in your life as you are.
- Ask open-ended questions and questions that enhance your understanding of the other person's views for deeper conversations. -
As a relatively conversationalist myself, not being shy to connect with strangers, I started to read this book thinking it might actually not be as a great help as expected. But the more I read the more I got hooked on the complexity of what a small talk can and should be made of to be able to grab the attention and be remembered.
Not a game changer, but definitely some great takeaways and useful storytelling concepts reminders!
> My favorite quotes:
“We all dislike small talk, but it does have a role. Getting to know someone happens in a sequential manner, and we cannot skip steps if we want to go deeper. It can be said that there are four stages to an interaction, and small talk is the first, followed by fact disclosure, then opinion disclosure, then emotion disclosure. The sequence can be played with, but understanding small talk’s role is important.”
“A story can be composed solely of (1) one action, (2) one emotion to be evoked, and (3) a one-sentence summary. Don’t get lost rambling, and also make sure your listener feels that they are fully participating in the conversation.”
“There is the status quo, the event that kicks things off, the set of consequences for changing the status quo, the climax or resolution, and then what happens after the fact.”
“Let’s be honest, you’ve probably encountered somebody with an opinion that made you scratch your head, to say the least. Here’s the thing though: a great conversationalist can always find some common ground, can be respectful, lighthearted, curious and kind…without agreeing in the least with their conversation partner. It’s all about prioritizing enjoyable human connection over the need to agree or be right.” -
This author has clearly put a lot of thought into the art of small talk. He presents actionable ways of forming more numerous and deeper connections. It is a curious book about the art of extending your interest beyond yourself.
He presented conversations as the art of free association - in a group. Where those involved search their experiences for something to say or ask. A type of creativity that can be practiced.
One particularly terrifying part was when the author recommended to practice ten-second conversations with cashiers, carrying the conversation beyond the first "hi". This requires pushing through the awkward feeling of being unwanted in the 3-10 second part of the conversation. And to then judge when to quickly break off before becoming creepy. Something to try out.
The author jarred me slightly when talking about keeping your weekends interesting to keep your conversations interesting. No love for the no-life small-kid parents here. There is also no need to squeeze in the two vaguely related scientific references in the beginning of the book. It is not a scientific text - this is the author's tips and tricks.
In any case, it gave me a range of ideas on how to extend and deepen meaningful connections. For that, this book was clearly worth its read. I warmly recommend it for those who thinks about the topic. Four stars. -
Better Small Talk by Patrick King was a somewhat useful book offering advice on how to make conversation. I found that the author's writing style didn't particularly resonate with me, coming across as dry.
Some of the advice was practical, like the concept of the conversational resume, or how to tell mini-stories succinctly. Some of it was a bit obvious, like not being a judgemental jerk to others. And some of the advice was eyebrow raising, even it it made sense, like talking to people in the service industry, since they're obligated to be polite.
I think small talk is difficult for many people, and the book kind of validates that and offers way to move on to more interesting and deep conversations. All the same, I can help but feel that this book was missing a bit of depth, or perhaps examples of how scenarios can play out across different settings. -
El libro "Mejorando Las Charlas" de Patrick King presenta ideas útiles para mejorar nuestras habilidades de conversación y conexión con los demás. Desde la importancia de prestar atención a nuestras interacciones diarias hasta la necesidad de tener varias perspectivas y conocimientos para enriquecer nuestras conversaciones, el libro ofrece consejos prácticos y fáciles de seguir. Además, el autor destaca la importancia de ser respetuosos y amables en nuestras interacciones, y de priorizar la conexión humana sobre la necesidad de estar de acuerdo o tener la razón.
"Un gran conversador siempre puede encontrar algo en común, puede ser respetuoso, alegre, curioso y amable... sin estar de acuerdo en lo mínimo con su compañero de conversación". -
Pitifully inadequate. Didn't give enough back and forth examples for a laymen like me 2 remember anything for real life application. Buyer beware, business bestsellers become best sellers based off catchy titles and covers. This book is mostly all hat no cattle despite the covers implied cure of a pain point we all face in our daily lives.
What my 👂 heard ⤵️
more emotional fluency
think of your typical day
think of your typical day how much time do you spend ignoring people?
keep your ears pricked for facts and details you can draw on
you can find interesting points of commonality to discuss.
lose the story before the stories over
