What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon

What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat Reviews

• 
  Roxane

  Few writers approach the realities of living in a fat body, the pernicious nature of fatphobia, and what it would take for our culture to radically re-imagine our relationships to our bodies than Aubrey Gordon, who you may know online as Your Fat Friend. In her debut essay collection, What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat, Gordon has crafted a manifesto on unapologetic fatness and fat justice. Her cultural criticism about bodies is timely, elegant, searing. This book is required reading for absolutely everyone. The wisdom Gordon offers in these pages is going to irrevocably change fat discourse and it comes not a moment too soon.
• 
  Philip

  This book is important!
  And I definitely need more stars on my scale... this is another book where I can't quite pick between two or three stars. On the one hand, I can't quite say that I "liked" it, but I also feel like it's worth more than a simple "it was ok."
  
  The book is reasonably well written in a very relatable tone. I can definitely understand that the author hit home in shorter form writing. However, it would benefit from a better structure - something I find particularly helpful in non-fiction books. That said, it's still easy to read and very digestible, if incredibly depressing.
  
  Based on other reviews, I can definitely tell that I'm not quite seeing the same hopefulness that others do. I find the content distressing on so many levels. First and foremost, the vitriol and hate that Gordon describes should never ever be allowed to happen - in whichever form, for whatever reason, by whoever. She also describes a fat person’s perspective on the "health industry" - that I loath with my entire being -as well as a health care system that doesn't see people as patients in need and worthy of care, and a legislative system that does more harm than good in the areas of food and nutrition.
  
  Sadly, most of the issues she describes, including the ones I mention above, are pervasive problems that are more norm than exception for so many people - regardless of size. The biggest and most important issue that this book deals with though, is perceptions. We as individuals and as societies have to see people as people, not as imagined characteristics.
  
  Gordon is of course right, in the vast majority of cases, fat people are not ultimately the ones "at fault" for their size. Fat people are not inherently lazy or somehow "bad people" just because they're fat. There are plenty of societal and medical reasons behind why one might be fat. Whether this is a food system that subsidizes all the wrong foods for all the wrong reasons, the constant barrage of crap food and diet/fitness culture advertisements, health care for profit, a slew of metabolic disorders, or any other of a plethora of reasons.
  
  Regardless, even if fat people were entirely and solely responsible for their size, that would not warrant the abuse many receive due to their size.
  
  So far, Gordon and I are in agreement.
  
  However, Gordon seems to swear off all individual accountability, and she completely disregards other people's perspectives. While we should foster civil behavior and make damn sure we treat our fellow humans as people, we can't ignore some uncomfortable facts either.
  
  Just to mention three..
  
  1. Obesity (and yes, I do understand that some find that word offensive, but it is also the medical term to date, so in this instance I use it for definition purposes) does come with increased risks for a slew of medical conditions. That doesn't mean all fat people are sick and all skinny people are healthy, but it does mean that fat people, on average, are sicker than non fat people. Many medical procedures are also more dangerous to perform on fat people. This doesn't mean that I think it's ok to discriminate against treating fat people, but it makes it more understandable why doctors and insurance companies in the lawsuit-ridden profit-driven American health care system do so.
  
  2. While fat people are not originally to blame for their size - and some aren't at all - most can do more to prevent getting bigger. Calories in versus calories out still applies, even if one's metabolic system has taken a hit and/or other medical conditions make it harder. The quality of calories make a difference as well. While one might not be willing or able to make the changes necessary, that doesn't mean that nothing can be done to lose weight. It doesn't mean someone is lazy or undisciplined for being fat, but to completely swear off responsibility isn't helping either.
  
  Weight loss diets don't generally work, true, but most people that make wholesale lifestyle/dietary changes almost always see some results. The problem is that these lifestyle/dietary changes have to be permanent. One big reason that diet culture and quick fixes are so popular is that we (people/humans, fat and non fat) are really attracted to things that are easy and quick. Gordon herself describes this in her book. She mentions how she tried every diet there is. This, of course, means that she didn't stick to any of them. To be fair, many of the diets she mentioned aren't healthy in a long term perspective, but that's a good indicator that those aren't diets to try in the first place.
  And finally, to respond to a point in the book, gaining muscle but not losing weight is still a positive thing.
  
  Also, if we continue to normalize unhealthy diets (regardless of whether we are fat or not), which includes eating too much of "healthy" foods, this will impact our children as well. By not addressing healthy eating habits through practice at home, our children learn our bad habits - this is, of course, true in everything parents do and say.
  
  3. On an even more sensitive topic, yes, sometimes one's size really can inconvenience other people. This doesn't mean that we should be assholes about pointing this out, nor does it give permission to arbitrarily discriminate for no reason, but it doesn't change the fact that size - height, width, and weight - restrictions often exist for a reason. We can argue for increased size on that which is "standard" in any given situation, which Gordon does, but how inclusive should we be?
  
  We've talked about people who are larger than average, what about people who are really small in some way; is it, for example, discriminatory against short people to have shelves they cannot reach in the grocery store?
  
  To use myself as another example: Personally, I cannot buy just any car. I am too tall (and I'm much closer to the height average than someone who weighs 350lbs is to the weight average). Is that discrimination? Like Gordon, since I do not fit, I cannot fly economy on certain airlines, so I have to purchase a seat with more leg space. Is that discrimination?
  
  I would not argue that I am being discriminated against in these instances, it's simply that I exceed the size of my allotted space. That is, unless I purchase more of it. And just as I understand that there are those who complain when my legs infringe on their space because I cannot fit the legs without "manspreading" - due to legroom deficits - I would expect that it's fairly easy to understand someone's protest if/when a significant portion of their seat is occupied by someone else - due to width deficits. In neither case does the situation warrant assholery, but in both cases the one taking up extra space most definitely inconvenience the other.
  
  
  With all that said:
  
  I get that me saying some of these things might get me sorted into a fat phobic folder by some. That sucks. But I do not like when people are being told that there's nothing they can do - there is always something one can do. And I do not like one-sided thinking, regardless whether it's fat phobic or the exact opposite.
  
  I hope that anyone reading this will take Gordon's book as an inspiration and a tool to deal with misconceptions, vitriol, trauma, and other negatives. And my review as a small counterpoint to the resignation, victim-hood, and anger I feel that Gordon has taken to heart in order to try to heal herself.
  
  Potentially being sorted into a folder I do not feel like I belong in leads me to another point that I take issue with in the book. Assuming others' feelings without asking or engaging in conversation, and attributing thoughts to others that they have never spoken or shared, is neither constructive nor fair to anyone. That applies to all of us.
  
  Anyhow, if people only take one thing away from this book, I hope it is the decency to treat others with respect, to see all people as people.
  Regardless of size.
• 
  Bethany (Beautifully Bookish Bethany)

  Yes, yes, yes. This book is very good and very necessary. It addresses fat phobia, harassment of fat people, intersections of fat phobia with racism and misogyny, systemic anti-fat bias as it affects everything from employment to good health care, and much more. Gordon offers incisive critiques combined with personal stories for a book that isn't terribly long but certainly packs a punch.
  
  She talks about how the real effects of anti-fat bias tend to exist on a sliding scale with the worst of it often being directed at the very fat. She talks about actual research that shows dieting to be statistically abysmal in helping people to lose significant amounts of weight and keep it off, research on how cycling through weight loss and gain actually HARMS your metabolism and makes it harder to lose or even maintain a weight, research showing that the abuse and bias faced by fat people makes them LESS likely to engage in healthy behaviors, research showing that despite the public discourse that fat people are supposedly unattractive, fat porn is one of the MOST SEARCHED types and this is clearly less about actual attraction and more about social posturing. All this and so much more.
  
  She also calls the fact that verbal abuse and harassment of fat people out of "concern" is really more about making the abuser feel good about themselves not being fat than about doing anything helpful for the person experiencing said abuse. She talks about how public shaming can make fat kids less likely to engage in physical activity or sports as they approach adolescence, how depression and anxiety due to abuse and harassment can lead to coping behaviors such as comfort eating.
  
  She also talks about the misconceptions that 1) all fat people are fat by choice (this frequently isn't true as genetics and poverty are huge indicators) 2) all fat people eat junk food and sugar all the time (this also often isn't true) 3) the BMI is a good measure of healthy weight (it's actually based on the work of a racist eugenicist looking at primarily white male bodies, adopted by insurance companies for actuarial tables, then by doctors, and the numbers for "normal" weight ranges have been arbitrarily lowered more than once, possibly in response to the very powerful weight loss industry lobby).
  
  The more I read about these topics, the more I realize how harmful and endemic this stuff is. I related to her experience of joining Weight Watchers as a teenager (when looking back I was actually pretty thin) being in a room of mostly middle aged women, learning how to obsess over what I was and wasn't eating, learning public shame over perceived failure, learning to hate my still developing body. Now in my mid-30's I am FINALLY developing a healthy relationship with food and with my body. Accepting that I am and probably always will be fat to some degree, and that's not a value judgement, it's just a descriptor.
  
  The irony? Finally letting go of rules for eating and being more intuitive, moving my body in joyful ways, not obsessing all the time about what I'm going to eat for the next meal or snack, and my weight has actually stabilized. AND for maybe the first time in my life I can stop eating something like a donut because I just don't want any more and I'm done. Internalized shame is a big part of what causes binging and other eating disorders, and yes, fat people absolutely can have eating disorders and they often go untreated because they are fat. Gordon discusses orthorexia, an eating disorder where you become obsessed with reading ingredient labels and eating things considered good or pure. It can be incredibly harmful, but it probably sounds pretty damn familiar. Wonderful book. Everyone should read it and really sit with it.
• 
  Jess Owens

  Definitely a must read. If you follow me on Instagram then you have seen my stories talking about my own body image issues and trying to fight against everything society has brainwashed me to believe. I was recommended this book and I'm glad I read it.
  
  I read Fearing The Black Body by Sabrina Strings in March, another great read as well. But this one was different because the woman writing the story is a fat woman. I learned so much about terms that fat people have "taken back" and ones that are very hurtful. Some information I knew, like the bullshit history of the BMI, but a lot of information was new to me including how they shifted the weight categories for the BMI and how they use it to deny health insurance coverage to many people. As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate the world and America specifically, UGH. Also, hearing Aubrey's experiences because she is a fat woman. I want to say I "can't" believe people say and do these things but I know they happen because some people are just vile creatures.
  
  I have a lot to work on mentally but this was a great start to my "re-education" efforts.
  
  ALSO. Listen to her podcast: Maintenance Phase !
• 
  Cari

  I follow Aubrey Gordon / Your Fat Friend on Twitter, and I have always been grateful for the insights posted there. So when I saw this ARC available on Edelweiss, I immediately downloaded it. I found myself being educated thoroughly on the world of fat-shaming and anti-fatness. I couldn't believe the lack of empathy towards Gordon and other fat people, who are our fellow human beings. I now know where to spot fat-shaming when I see it, and I know how to call it out in support of my fat friends. This is a quick and thorough read, well-researched and intersectional. I learned a lot and highly recommend this book to those who want to learn more about this topic.
• 
  Ameema S.

  10 stars, out of 5.
  
  I know it’s early, but I already know this book is going to be my favourite books of the year (& maybe ever).
  
  As a fat woman (of colour) - it was so powerful to see myself in this book, and to read about fatness and anti-fat bias in such an important way - and beyond the way most popular media looks at fat positivity - which is through a lens of self love and acceptance, and challenging beauty standards.
  
  Don’t get me wrong... It can be really empowering to see people call for self love, and fat women pose in bikinis... However, it was immensely validating to read about the ways bodies like mine are met with bias, oppression, & violence - through meticulous, and accessible research, and compelling & vulnerable anecdotes.
  
  The truth is: fat people - our concerns, our issues, the barriers we face, are so often forgotten or dismissed by others. Fatness has been turned into an epidemic, and a moral failure. We are dehumanized, belittled, and disregarded in so many ways - not just institutionally, but in the eyes of the world around us.
  
  This book does a great job of laying out the structures & systems that contribute to fatness, & the ways that anti-fat bias harms - through extensive research, real world examples, & a powerful vulnerability.
  
  While reading this book, I learnt, and raged, and grieved, and grew, and rejoiced. I found power in Gordon’s words, so much so that every time I read this book, I kept my highlighter uncapped, simply because I used it so much. I got so much out of this book - in ways I never expected, and I never knew I needed. I’ve even bookmarked passages to show my therapist, because this book helped me understand things about living in my body, that I hadn’t previously understood.
  
  This book was challenging, informative, vulnerable, powerful, relatable, and NEEDED. I haven’t been able to stop thinking or talking about it, and I think it should be required reading - for fat and straight size people alike.
• 
  Mehrsa

  This is a necessary perspective and I totally agree with the author that as a society, we "discriminate" against fat people and we equate fat with unhealthy and skinny with healthy. There were parts of the book that I bristled at--I don't think fat discrimination belongs in the same category as race or gender or sexual orientation discrimination. I think we need to stop all these kinds of discrimination and there are certainly similarities, but I worry that the differences ended up washing away the problems of racial discrimination too much. The history of racial and gender and other types of discrimination are filled with violence and legal sanctions and explicit prohibitions. Discrimination again fat people is terrible and must be stopped and is harmful to them, but it does not share that history. The author is right to point out, however, that fat-phobia is prevalent and somewhat accepted. The book definitely made me rethink a lot of the harmful depictions of fat bodies you see in the media and the jokes at their expense. A lot of Gordon's examples of her mistreatment were just horrible and I have no doubt plenty of people have to deal with terrible behavior. I wonder if we are all just a bit meaner as a culture--why do people think it's ok to ever say something mean to a person about their body? Or even tell them what to eat?
• 
  Carey

  This book is necessary, but I'm feeling frustrated with it. I was expecting more of a discussion on systemic abuse and a takedown of bullshit industries. But this is more anecdotal, and very focused on victimhood. Gordon's personal information is important. The shit people say and do to her is atrocious and the first step in getting people to knock it off is to scream loud and clear that it's happening. Look. I'm currently a size 20/22, and this is my most regular cruising altitude. I've been bigger and smaller. I've never been thin. And I know my experience is only my own. But at some point, I said "fuck this weight loss noise" and flipped the world off with both hands. I live how I want. I order a greasy ass pizza and binge watch Star Trek in my pajamas whenever I feel like it and I have no regrets about doing so. Maybe people leave me alone because I look like I don't give half a fuck about their opinions on my body. I don't know. I feel like an asshole for writing this review, and this isn't a bad book. It's just not what I thought it would be.
• 
  dianne

  We don’t choose our bodies. We can choose to treat them well, or not, but our height, our color, and, yes, our weight is largely genetic. Furthermore, once someone is a certain weight, it is basically impossible to lose lbs/kg without seriously damaging their metabolism, permanently. So if you want to be thin, make sure you select your parents carefully. 98% of restricting diets fail, most resulting in a gain of more weight than was temporarily lost. That’s a fact.
  
  I’m an endocrinologist (retired) but became involved in this in the 90s when i noted that so many of my metabolically healthy female patients wanted to be thinner. Why? Your HDL, your glucose metabolism, your blood pressure are all normal. I wrote, spoke, and argued with colleagues about the dangers of dieting.
  
  Soon the USA was deluged with the “obesity epidemic”. Yes , we’re fatter but once fat, no matter the etiology - that’s the body we have.
  
  Aubrey Gordon has written a book that should be standard curriculum for the western world. She writes beautifully, is funny, and her research is impeccable..
  
  Early on she tells us that this book “...is not rooted in the near-ubiquitous cultural dogma that fat people are duty-bound to become thin before asking to be treated with respect and dignity.” What a f*cked up society we live in that that even needs to be stated.
  
  She documents the discrimination, abuse, and constant harassment that accompanies a life in a fat body, with excruciating, often wrenching, detail. This treatment takes the form that abusive relationships always do: “...that is the logic of abuse. You made me do this. I wouldn’t hurt you if you didn’t make me.”
  All abused are blamed by the abuser for the abuse.
  
  Harassment by strangers (and friends) is often under the specious guise of “concern” which she calls ‘concern trolling’.
  “It is a reminder so many thin people seem to desperately need.. They don’t seem to be talking to me at all. They seem to be talking to themselves.”
  
  “Concern for your health is yet another example of the superior nature of thin people. They look better because they are better, and they’re even generous enough to publicly shame you into being better too. It is the burden of thinness, saving so many poor, wretched fat-asses. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.”
  
  Despite the billions of dollars spent by the weight loss industry, the fact is, a thin “... body is not necessarily an accomplishment, not a reward, not a reflection of a laudable work ethic or intense tenacity, but of a series of factors that are largely out of their control.”
  What a perfect capitalist model. They can sell a product that fails 98% of the time, blame the failure on the consumer, and woot-woot! sell it again. And again.
  
  Many changes need to be made. One that she documents heartbreakingly is that we must “...insist that the medical field catch up to its own research and acknowledge that fatness isn’t a failure of personal responsibility but the result of a complex set of factors…”
  
  Our bodies are affected by so many variables, and with respect to fatness, most are out of our control. If a woman is poor (and like 25% of Americans, food insecure) during her pregnancy, and can't consume enough, and this results in a low birth weight baby, or if a mother has diabetes during her pregnancy - that baby is more likely to become a fat person. Our level of exposure to the “forever chemicals” in the PFAS family contribute to how fat we are. We know of many genetic variations that predispose to fatness. Even the diets we’re fed - poor families are more likely to fill the caloric needs of their children with high carbohydrate diets that they can afford. Even that, calories intake being equal, predisposes to fatness:
  https://doi.org/10.1093/ajcn/nqab270
  The belief that "calories in and calories out" explains our size, is ridiculously simplistic. Physics is not biology.
  
  The younger children are when put on a diet contributes to their adult weight. When we are starved we disrupt (among other things) our satiety feedback loop. S0 a child put on a diet loses their intrinsic ability to eat what they want, when they want. Add to that denial of certain foods (making them, of course, more tempting) and you have guaranteed disordered eating.
  
  Anti-fatness is the last remaining "acceptable” prejudice. I wouldn’t want to live in a homogenous world. Recently “#juststopbeingfat” was trending on Twitter, the comment: “gosh, why didn’t I think of that?” sums up the stupidity and cruelty of thin privilege. This book is brilliant as is Gordon's podcast with Michael Hobbes - Maintenance Phase. Highly recommended.
  
• 
  Bonnie G.

  The adult son of a lifetime family friend is very very fat. I just learned a few months ago that his grandfather left him money in his will contingent upon weight loss. I was horrified. The people who told me this, one of whom is like me somewhat overweight but not super-obese like Gordon and like the grandson in this story, did not see that it was terrible (the issue was raised in the context of telling me how worried they were about the grandson's weight.) When I said something about how terrible it was they looked shocked and confused. I just said, "do you think he doesn't know he is fat, and now that his grandfather has spoken from the grave he will finally do something about it?" Understanding dawned, but until then no one really questioned it. This is particularly egregious btw because there are six grandchildren and the other five had no conditions placed on their inheritances. He was the one grandchild clearly told he was not worthy of love or tribute, that he was defective, because he was fat. I want to be clear that the grandfather is not an asshole, that he loves his grandchildren very much. Though his actions could scarcely have been crueler they were not intended to be so. The world thinks they have a right to an opinion on fat people's bodies, and they think they know all the answers and that the fat person just does not have the facts. This dynamic leads to outright cruelty, to diminished employment prospects, diminished romantic options (not because everyone finds them physically unappealing, but because there is such social censure for dating a fat person that potential partners who are attracted to the specific fat person will often not move forward), and perhaps most tragically the removal of access to good medical care. This is deadly and it is real. I am grateful to Gordon for being brave enough to raise the issues, for doing the research to make this a book mostly based on fact and not just a rant, and for exploring the places where anti-fatness intersects with feminism, anti-racism, and LGBTQ+ justice. There is a good bit of repetition in the book, it was clearly culled from previous blog posts and articles. One example, there are three references to the opening in Pitch Perfect 2 - which I agree is all kinds of cringeworthy - that hit on exactly the same point. Still, it was engaging and informative and a meaningful reality check for our weight obsessed society.
  
  There is so much good here, but there are two major problems (besides the repetition) that kept this from being a five-star read. First, Gordon chooses to deny science that does not jibe with her narrative. One example, she rails about gender-affirming and other cosmetic surgery being withheld from trans people due to weight. The risk of dying or being severely permanently physically compromised by general anesthesia are greatly increased by obesity. This is not a judgment, there is real science behind this. It is ridiculous to expect doctors to ignore this, and in fact I would argue that ignoring this increased risk when surgery is elective would be a breach of duty (I am no expert of medical ethics, but I think that is right.) It would absolutely open doctors up to legal liability (I am not a med mal lawyer, but I am a lawyer, and I feel pretty confident on this one.) This is but one example of an area where Gordon ignores science to make a point she wants to make. At the same time Gordon raises many issues of science that are not often publicized and should be (the truth that dieting does not work, and that radical weight loss solutions make people fatter is a particularly important one.) The second issue is that Gordon ignores economic realities. She considers it a matter of justice that stores should carry giant sizes. That is absurd. Stores carry what sells, and there are not enough 6X's running around to make manufacturing and stocking those sizes profitable. There are online merchants that sell such sizes because if you have a world full of fat people to draw from, rather than those that live in a single community from which a brick-and-mortar retailer draws then you can make money. The same goes for airline seats. Yes, they are too cramped for all people, and especially so for those of us who are overweight, but in the end that is the economics of airline travel. I agree that the airlines should never have been deregulated, but here we are. Flights are cheaper but more uncomfortable. And given the lack of space it is not surprising that people are displeased to have a 435 lb seatmate. (I believe that is what Gordon says is her current weight.) That is not discrimination, it is not based on a hatred for fat people or a belief that fat people are less worthy on any way than thin people, but rather on actual measurable physical discomfort caused by the seatmate's weight. We always forget that every time we grant someone a right we are generally taking something from someone else. Expecting airlines to absorb the cost of needing an extra seat is not reasonable or economically sound. I have a friend who is roughly the same size as Gordon and he always buys two seats when he flies. It is expensive (admittedly prohibitive for some), but he considers it necessary and fair.
  
  Okay, enough. I recommend this read warts and all, especially to anyone who is not fat but knows fat people (everyone knows fat people.) A great introduction to the subject.
• 
  Grzegorz

  I know what it's like to be made fun of, because of some physical things, related to how you look. I was ashamed in the past, of some things that I managed to get rid of. So I feel for fat people, I know that it can have a great impact on your life and stress, health, when people are making fun of you everywhere, point you with fingers. I agree with the author, that we should not ridicule fat people, we should make them comfortable. We never know if someone is fat because of his lifestyle choices, or maybe he is sick. Or maybe it is because of his lifestyle choices but now it is so hard to undo them, and so we should not ridicule those people, we have no right.
  
  But this book completely omits the problem with the obesity epidemic, it cherry-picks research and ideas, misrepresenting the facts about changing your life to a healthier version (suggesting that it's impossible, because "dieting does not work"), it is intellectually dishonest in some parts. It has this attitude "the world is wrong and should change, should not laugh at fat people, but there is no problem with fat people. They should not go to the doctor because dieting doesn't work anyway. Only the world should change!". Yes, we should not ridicule fat people, yes, it is not as simple as "calories in, calories out". But for most people, it is manageable to reduce weight. And we can't tell fat people that it is good to be fat. That being fat has no impact on your health. We should strive to change our environment, our food choices, our government et cetera, to reduce the number of obese people - because most of them don't have to be obese. There will always be fat people, some are born like that, some are ill. But there's no way, that in countries like the USA there is a huge amount of obese people because in the past decades Americans developed bad genes, illnesses, and stuff like that. No way. You just eat too much unhealthy food. And it's not necessarily your fault - it's what's most easily accessible in your country, what's cheapest for poor folks. So you should strive to change that, and not pretend that there is no problem, and the only problem is white rich people who make fun of fat people.
  
  Yes, BMI is not a perfect tool but overall it is useful if you take into account its problems. If you have BMI over 50 it's not normal and it's not healthy. Problems with BMI in specific cases (strongmans with big muscles, black people being statistically heavier, supposedly by nature et cetera) have nothing to do, that you're too fat. I agree, we should not use BMI as "one indicator to rule them all".
  
  Yes, dieting does not work if by diet you mean "I will eat salads for a month and then everything will be fine till the rest of my life". Diet is what you eat regularly, not some kind of challenge. My diet includes vegetables, some fruits but excludes potato chips. And I've been "on" this kind of diet for years, I don't even feel it, I don't remember about it, because it is not "a diet that I am on" it is just who I am. I am just a person who does not eat potato chips and eats many vegetables. End of story. No "dieting", just a matter of what kind of food do you eat in your life. So, yeah, it was interesting what this book wrote about downsides of dieting, but changing your food habits to healthy one is not "dieting". It is just changing your diet to more healthy one - not for a month, permanently.
  
  Only two stars, because I agree, we should not punish any fat person just because he is fat. But the root of the problem with fat and obesity is, that we have fat epidemic and it's destroying people's health. And we can not pretend that it is good, or neutral, or that we don't have to do anything about that.
• 
  Kelly

  A well researched overview of what it means to be fat in the U.S. Accentuated with personal anecdotes that illustrate the discrimination that fat people face while offering hope and a very reasonable manifesto at the end for change. As a straight sized person I learned a lot- I suggest others do the same.
• 
  Danika at The Lesbrary

  I listened to this because I love Maintenance Phase, and it definitely has a lot of what I appreciate about the podcast. I think it's a great read to pair with The Body Is Not An Apology, because both of them look at how bodies are policed, politicized, and oppressed--not just internal body image issues. The only complaint I had is that there are lines/anecdotes that repeat, sometimes almost word for word, between chapters. I'm guessing they were standalone essays at first, so that makes sense, but I found it distracting.
• 
  fatma

  the writing is great, but god, was this repetitive: gordon cites the same studies and examples over and over again, repeating sentences almost verbatim across many of the essays. i also struggled to understand what each essay was supposed to be "about"; they seemed to be all over the place in terms of their area of focus (e.g. an essay on attraction and relationships suddenly turns into an analysis of stereotypes of fat characters in media...?). overall this book just lacked a sense of any kind of narrative cohesion; the structure was a mess. im disappointed, to be honest, because i feel like this couldve been a much better book than it was.
• 
  Lynne Baab

  I had no idea. Those words kept coming to mind as I learned from Aubrey Gordon about how people who fall into the categories she calls “superfat” (women’s sizes 26-32) and “infinifat” (women’s size 34 and up) can get thrown off planes with no warning. They often cannot get medical care because they are told to lose weight before they will be treated. They experience severe job discrimination and receive much lower pay. They get publically shamed by friends and strangers, and shamed on the media, in ways that cause the kind of deep stress that results in health issues. Very fat men experience just as much shame as women. She also has some powerful things to say about the effect of fat shaming on children.
  
  I thought I understood fat shaming because I experienced it constantly from my mother, and I internalized her messages. My mother fat-shamed me before I was fat. At 13, I had a rounded build, inherited from my father, while my mother was very slim. She began to micromanage what I ate, and in response, I turned to binge eating. Gordon reflects my own experience when she says that people who feel shamed often eat more in order to comfort themselves, and they often engage in binge eating. I spent my late teens and young adult life a “small fat” person, what Gordon calls women who wear size 16-18. From age 30 to the present, I have been what she calls “mid-fat,” wearing sizes 20 to 24. I’m at the bottom of that range now, but spent several years at the top of that range, and I experienced a difference within that range – the higher weight resulted in more criticism from strangers. As a mid-fat person, I have also experienced many instructions from doctors to lose weight. But my greatest source of fat-shaming is my own inner voices, telling me the “truths” that Gordon says so many people believe: “(1) Becoming thin is a life accomplishment and the only way to start living a real, full, human life. (2) All fatness is a shameful moral failing. (3) Thinness is a naturally superior way of being. (3) Fat people who stay fat deserve to be mocked.”
  
  Those of us who experience internal fat-shaming messages – but very few external barriers to a full life – have no idea the extent to which very fat people are stigmatized, criticized, and discriminated against. Gordon says that many comments she receives are cloaked with the language of “health” and “concern.” She has brilliant section on what true concern looks like, beginning with this: “Concern is curious, tender, loving. Concern is direct and heartfelt. Concern does its work delicately, with great care.” She writes that concern does not include paternalism or open contempt. And she describes the many, many times fat people receive paternalistic advice and vicious contempt. People, she says, “push aside the hard work of empathy and opt for the ease and satisfaction of judgment.”
  
  I know I have tried just about everything in order to weigh less than I do. Why would I – or anyone else – need to assume that very fat people haven’t tried or aren’t trying? Gordon points out that people can be fat for many reasons beyond their control, including heredity, medications, and the financial inability to buy anything other than cheap food. She also points out that fat people can be healthy metabolically and in other measurable ways.
  
  Gordon’s personal stories are vivid and made me want to weep. I applaud her courage in telling them. She draws on research data very well, too. Her writing is clear and easy to read. I read the book in two evenings in a row because I found it so absorbing.
  
  Gordon is co-host of a great podcast, “Maintenance Phase.” She and her co-host Michael Hobbes (who also co-hosts the “You’re Wrong About” podcast) look at things we believe about health in analytical, humorous, and helpful way. I commend both the podcast and this powerful book.
  
• 
  Kathrin Passig

  Keine angenehme Lektüre, es hat mich wütend gemacht auf die Welt und auch auf mich, weil ich so vieles immer noch nicht verstanden hatte und weil ich Teil des Problems war und bin. Obwohl ich schon länger wusste, dass man offenbar "Angehörige der Gruppe X sind auch Menschen mit Gefühlen und es ist ein Arschlochmove, über sie zu denken, zu reden oder mit ihnen umzugehen, als wäre das nicht so" für jedes X separat lernen muss, es scheint da allgemein kaum Transferleistung zu geben. (Auch bei der Autorin übrigens nicht; die Auseinandersetzung mit Fetischismus in diesem Buch ist nicht besser als anderswo.) Ich weiß, niemand sehnt sich nach wütend-machender Lektüre, aber das Buch ist nicht lang und es ist ein bildender Ärger, der in keinem Verhältnis steht zu dem Ärger, den man bei anderen Menschen verursachen wird, wenn man es nicht liest und weiterhin keine Ahnung hat.
• 
  Joanna Taylor Stone

  If you spent 2020 being challenged by your own racial, sexual and gender bias, perhaps spend 2021 working on dismantling your anti-fat bias. They are all linked together. This book is incredible and accessible, and will challenge you in so many ways.
  
  Actually the next time someone tells me they are "just concerned about my health", I am going to buy another copy from an indie book store.
• 
  Beth Anne

  This book reads like a collection of blogs. Gordon helped me understand the experiences of fat people in the USA in a different way than I understood them before reading this book. I was shocked and saddened to read the hideous comments people felt comfortable saying to her face and the systematic discrimination she faced.
  
  That being said, the book left a lot to be desired both in terms of content and structure. The chapters do little to organize the book’s content, which ranges widely from the federal regulation of airplane seat size to tweets from Gordon’s followers to her personal love life to peer-reviewed medical journals to more personal anecdotes to Oprah Winfrey, etc. The author spends a significant amount of time convincing readers how healthy being fat is and the lack of health risks. I understand that she is trying to help readers see the unacceptable discrimination she’s faced in the healthcare industry but she fails to address the significant amount of research that suggests being 400 pounds creates health problems that would not be present if the person was 150 pounds. My other big issue with this book is the variety of false equivalencies that emerge from comparing being fat to being part of other communities, such as the LGBTQ+ community.
• 
  Ebony Rose

  I do not say this lightly, but I believe this book should be required reading for everyone. But especially for everyone who has never lived as a fat person.
  
  Aubrey Gordon has written a thorough, compelling and very well researched book about the harm of fatphobia and fat-hate. An incredible book that forces readers to reckon with the ways that society consistently and totally oppresses people for the mere fact of existing in fat bodies. A book that forces thin people to understand themselves as both beneficiaries of institutional fat-hate, but also the ways in which fatphobia harms them too. A book that demands we do better for fat folks, and challenges us to radically change the way we look at bodies, fatness, health and worth.
  
  Absolutely phenomenal.
• 
  Kelly

  Essential reading, especially for people who love to claim "body positivity" as a pet cause. This is a look at what it means to be FAT and why that word matters so deeply.
  
  I listened on audiobook and only wish Aubrey had performed it since her voice is so good.
• 
  Andy

  Everyone needs to read this!!! Especially if you are not fat.
  
  What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat is the book I wish my whole family had. I wish I had this book when I was in middle school and struggling with bullying, self image, self esteem and all those things that go into being a pubescent that's not skinny.
  
  I've always been in the weird in between category on the end of straight sizes and the beginning of plus sizes. I relate to a lot of the things Aubrey says in this book, even though what I've experienced is not as awful as some of the things mentioned in this book. The hurt we've both experienced is valid and it makes me wish books like this were taught instead of a stupid food pyramid and forced exercise that no one was interested in.
  
  There have been so many times I've done exercises because I felt like I had to. Not because I particularly enjoyed them. That changed in college when I was finally in charge of the activities and foods I ate 100% of the time. I've found kickboxing, running, swimming and weight lifting to be things my body enjoys. I wish things like this had been emphasized. I wish the attitude wasn't that you can't be healthy when you're fat. I wish people would let fat people take up space just like straight sized people do.
  
  If you don't think this book will apply to you, I guarantee it will. We live in such a fatphobic society. The hatred and fear of fat people is everywhere. This book will test your implicit biases and make you reflect on past memories and behaviors. Also it says fad diets can go fuck themselves and this is a message I 200% support.
  
  CWs: Fatphobia, body shaming, medical trauma, eating disorder, medical content, sexual harassment, bullying, ableism, misogyny, hate crime, sexual violence, threats of rape, sexism, emotional abuse, violence, gaslighting, death, transphobia/transmisia, classism. Moderate: queerphobia/queermisia, racism, dysphoria, chronic illness, cancer.
• 
  K

  I think this is a very helpful and smart book, though I disagree with some of the stylistic choices that were made. I think another edit would be helpful, because some essays repeated the same information, and also the word "ubiquitous" was over-used in my opinion. I think this is a good beginner text.
• 
  Colleen Oakes

  Sadly, my first reaction to finishing this book was “oh man, people are going to see that I read this book on Goodreads, and they’re gonna think about my body…” and then I thought, SERIOUSLY, that’s exactly what this book was about! Destructive thinking like that is why I needed this book. Crazily; I believe it’s equally as important for thin people to read this book as for fat people to read this book. We both desperately need the information inside.
  
  What We Don’t Say When We Talk About Fat is essential social justice reading. It changes the way you think about fat, it brings to the forefront the abuse that people of size have suffered at the hands of doctors (there’s a reason I refuse to see male doctors) and friends and “well-meaning” family members. There is a whole chapter about the myth of “concern for your health” which made me sob.
  
  Most importantly, there’s a lot of information about how body size doesn’t really have any impact on health, something that we’re FINALLY seeing our culture finally come around to understanding. The author really takes a deep dive into all aspects of society, from pop-culture to the diet industry, to clothing stores to movies that portray fat people as jokes, to the “wellness” movement, even down to Lizzo and Avengers Endgame.
  
  I was super impressed and I’m going to recommend this book to so many people in my life (oh how I wish my parents had read it too.) This really is the book I wish I would’ve read 20 years ago, because I would’ve viewed myself so differently.
• 
  Raven

  “At a time when overt bias is frowned upon, fat people continue to bear the brunt of a proud and righteous kind of prejudice, whether it be under the banner of healthism, ableism, racism, or classism. Whatever its roots, anti-fat bias is only increasing over time, despite a growing body of evidence illustrating the substantial harm it can cause. But instead of confronting our own biases, even when faced by a mountain of evidence to the contrary, we choose to reaffirm them. When we see fat people, we loose all those biases on their bodies and their character. And in the war on childhood obesity, we have made children the site of so much public abuse.”

  
  I finished reading this book in March, but I hadn’t written a review because I was attempting to simmer and come up with the most fantastic review to describe how important and necessary this book is. I still haven’t come up with the perfect review for this books and I don’t think I ever will. But! That’s totally fine because this book stands on its own.
  
  What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat is both well-researched and deeply personal. Aubrey Gordon is so smart and makes the research so accessible and easy to read, while also sharing some of the moments (and there are so many moments) when she was blatantly disrespected simply because she exists in a fat body.
  
  Quick side note on the word fat:
  

  “Thin people especially struggle to say ‘fat,’ the hypothetical that has hurt them so deeply. But as an undeniably fat person, the word isn’t hurtful to me. It cannot be, because I do not have the luxury of escaping it. Instead, I am beholden to someone else’s discomfort with a word that has never accurately described them.”

  
  At the center of this book is the idea that fat phobia is deeply internalized and woven into nearly every aspect of American culture. Beyond that, fat phobia is one of the last prejudices that people may openly display without any expectation of disapproval from society at large.
  
  Gordon is the co-host of one of my favorite podcasts: Maintenance Phase. (It’s so good, y’all!!) That show is dedicated to debunking various health and wellness trends. It comes as no surprise that Gordon is able to explain the complexities of health and weight, the nuances of “calories in, calories out,” the many consequences of trying to shame people into thinness, and so on. She writes about sexuality and desirability, she keeps intersectionality in mind. This book isn’t very long, and yet Gordon used the space conscientiously.
  
  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Gordon paints a clear picture of what a more perfect world would look like. AND! she gives us the steps to get there. So despite the doom and gloom of it all: despite the fact that results from Harvard University implicit bias tests reveal that implicit bias regarding body size is on the rise (despite the slow decline of implicit bias regarding other identifiers), despite the fact that airline seats (and restrooms) are shrinking in favor of profit, despite the fact that that one woman took a melon out of Gordon’s shopping cart at the grocery store, there is a whole chapter entitled “The World to Come.” Not only does Gordon paint the picture of the world to come, she outlines the steps that we need to get there.
  
  If there were ever a book that I would urge everyone to read, I think that this is it.
• 
  Paige

  You need to read this book.
  
  Everyone needs to read this book.
  
  If I had any money I’d buy a zillion copies of this book and hand them out. I’d give them to loved ones, doctors, strangers on the street. I’d leave them in little free libraries and on cafe tables, in laundromats and on park benches.
  
  You really need to read this book.
  
  If we are truly interested in building a world of justice and care for all human beings, this book will help.
• 
  steph

  “When we reduce fat people to their bodies, to “before and after,” or to bellies and rolls, we come to think of fat people as bodies without personhood."
  
  I discovered Aubrey Gordon a few months ago through her podcast
  Maintenance Phase. Along with her co-host Mike, she goes through various "health" and "wellness" fads and debunks them. So far I have listened to the two of them discuss Celery Juice, Weight Watchers, the President Physical Fitness Test and my personal favorite episode, Dr. Oz. Aubrey is smart, funny and articulate so when I heard she had just recently released a book on fatness and society, I knew I had to read it. And it did not disappoint.
  
  This book isn't a memoir nor is it a weight loss book. Aubrey uses research, personal anecdotes and cultural criticism to point out all the different and very harmful ways that society and individuals have and continue to treat fat people along with the impact those attitudes have had on fat people. She doesn't sugar coat things, she doesn't pretend that fat people are not discriminated against in every area of life from healthcare to relationships to the workplace to merely existing in public spaces such as the grocery store or out walking in their neighborhood. She goes into specific detail and it really blew my mind how much people hate her/other people of her size simply for existing in a larger body.
  
  It's awful.
  
  "Even when faced with data and personal experience that illustrates the troubling depth of anti-fatness, we are often told that these systemic problems are a result of our individual decisions. If we were thin, we wouldn't experience all of this. In the bizarre logic of anti-fatness, fat people are to blame for our bodies, our experience of marginalization and even our own abuse."
  
  This book is very dense and full of research so I read a little bit at a time, usually on my lunch break at work as not to get completely overwhelmed. Some chapters I enjoyed more than others, particularly when Aubrey discussed the problems with flying on airplanes and the representation of fat people in tv and media (spoiler alert: it's bad. It's really, really bad). But mostly, this book made me stop and think. As as a non-fat person, or what Aubrey refers to in her book as "straight-sized", this book has open my eyes to how I personally have my own internal bias', prejudices or incorrect reactions to fat people outside of my own family and friends group and how I need to change that going forward. Because it's not right. Not at all. As Aubrey says, there needs to be a shift in the way we see, talk about and treat our bodies, fat and thin alike and this book is helping me get there.
  
  Will definitely be buying a copy of this book for my own personal collection. Highly recommend.
• 
  Diana

  If I could give this zero stars, I would. This is a DNF, at 44%. Couldn’t be bothered to waste any more of my time. I am all for body positivity, body acceptance, examining cultural beliefs around fat bodies, combating fat phobia..but this book, dear GOD. It was AWFUL. She was transphobic (as a cis woman, stating “transphobia is a thing of the past” — not our place as cis women, let trans folks speak to if it’s “magically” disappeared). She adopts a viewpoint drenched in victimhood, to the point where I wanted to throw the book across the room.
  
  
  She cited study after study, that when looked up (which I bet she didn’t think readers would bother to do)— she had cherry picked from to make her point,- leaving out vital info that contradicted the claims she was pulling out of her bum. My favorite ridiculous claim was: “exercise has long been known to be ineffective as a weight-loss method”.
  
  She goes on to claim that genes make people fat,- not environment, social class (& therefore access to healthy food, healthcare, etc). She quotes an article saying “So far, investigators have found more than 25 genes with such powerful effects that if one is mutated, a person is pretty much guaranteed to become obese”. But I went to the article and read the whole study and the NEXT line says “But those genetic disorders are rare. It is more likely that people inherit a collection of genes, each of which predispose them to a small weight gain in the right environment”. She did this over and over again, making bogus claims, picking and choosing quotes to support the message she wanted
  
  She says “Should my body cost an airline more, it is not my responsibility to pay them”- but well, yes. If you are a bigger size, be it by choice or not, you will need to pay for the extra space you are taking up. Yes @ the author, it is indeed possible for your size to genuinely inconvenience others. If as an average-sized person I am taking up someone else’s seat space - that’s not ok. It’s not ok for you to do it either. I agree airlines shouldn’t be shrinking seats but that doesn’t mean you get to take up other people’s seats. They paid for their space. Physical boundaries are valid. If I don’t want you touching me, you don’t get to touch me.
  
  This is full of her complaining and reading it is like a whiny mosquito in your ear.