The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships Are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust by Ed Tronick

The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships Are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust Reviews

• 
  Heidi

  The Power of Discord is a study of human connection and disconnection. The authors, Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold, demonstrate through scientific and therapeutic studies that by working through conflict and the messiness of every day life, our relationships can be stronger than ever before.
  
  Our earliest relationships have a profound affect on the way we interact with others as adults. It is almost scary how fast infants develop the responses that they carry with them into adulthood. In Tronick's groundbreaking study called the "still-face" experiment, his findings helped researchers discover how infants communicate with their mothers.
  
  In the experiment, a mother and child are interacting, playing as usual. Then, the mother turns away a moment and when she turns back, her face is still and empty of emotion.
  
  The curious thing about the infants' reaction to their caregiver presenting them with a face devoid of emotion is that researchers could already see how the relationship between the two was developing. Infants in a healthy relationship kept trying to get a reaction out of the other person until their caregiver "went back to normal." Infants in a "dysfunctional" relationship, or who were for whatever reason were less connected with their parent, shut down and practiced coping or self soothing mechanisms rather than trying to draw the caregiver out.
  
  Prior to this experiment, it was assumed that infants had little to no communication ability whatsoever.
  
  "When confronted with a stressful situation, (infants) could apply a style of interaction drawn from the everyday exchanges with their caregivers. While they did not yet have the capacity for language or conscious thought, they were able to draw on their countless moment-to-moment interactions to cope with the stress of caregivers' unfamiliar behavior."
  
  I worried, as I read the study, that the children would somehow be scarred by it. Some of the reactions the researchers described were very intense and painful for everyone involved. But the authors assured readers the level of stress in the experiment wasn't something beyond what the children would encounter in their daily lives. Still, it seemed rather unfair to them. It wasn't like researchers could explain what was going on.
  
  Beyond the initial interactions that form the manner in which people craft their relationship styles, Tronick and Gold delve into further issues that may affect how you connect with others like: the pernicious effects of perfectionism and addiction to technology, feeling safe around others, taking responsibility for your connection style, and, the part I liked the most, the surprising way discord makes relationships stronger.
  
  "... it is not simply what happened when we were young that screws us up now. Along the way to growing up and into our adult lives, we continue to create new ways of being screwed up. Only when we have accumulated a whole new set of interactions, when we work through the inevitable moments of disconnection to again find connection, will we grow and change."
  
  Though we learn how to form connections before we even have language, researchers have found that connection styles can be relearned, relationships can be repaired and are repaired, every day, little by little. In countless "mismatch and repair" moments, we teach ourselves that there is nothing broken that can't be restored. It builds confidence in the relationship and trust in ourselves and each other - the building blocks of intimacy.
  
  Highly recommended for readers looking to engage in some introspection about their own attachment style or for those who are curious about how relationships are formed and maintained.
  
  Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for a free advance reader copy of this book.
• 
  Maria

  This is a great book, both for professionals and for anyone who wants to better understand the importance of early experiences and what good can come out of mismatches and how to repair them. I feel it was written in a palatable way for anyone to read. Love that several of the relationships in this book were queer instead of the usual heteronormative stuff. I will say sometimes it was a bit repetitive but that helps you absorb what the purposes of the book are.
• 
  Scribe Publications

  This profoundly wise book sets out how the dance of connection and disconnection with attachment figures molds our nervous system, our emotional lives, our sense of self, and our ability to dance in tune with others. When we miss each other is when we truly learn to turn, reach, and connect. There are no slick tips for perfect relationships with your kids or lovers here. Just a deep understanding of how the imperfections of life and love can make us strong.
  Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight
  
  In this fabulous book, which everyone must own, Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold give all of us a scientifically-based compass for negotiating the messiness of social interaction. Rather than searching for perfection, in this book they teach us that it is the messiness and the mistakes we inevitably make as parents, friends, and lovers, and the repair of our mistakes that really matters. For in repair we ‘co-create a new meaning,’ and relationships thrive and proceed, full of life and good enough. Get this book!
  John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
  
  Lively and riveting — Human connections have the power to heal by engaging us in a new set of moment-to-moment mismatches ... as long as we are open to repair and reconnect.
  Dr Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score
  
  A brilliant overview of our contemporary relational landscape that argues that what people — both children and adults — need most is the messiness of real relationships, with their conflicts, partial resolutions, and imperfect efforts at repair. In trying to make these things work, we practice attention, connection, and listening. We practice our humanity. We learn to put technology in its place. A book for thinking and for practical action. A must-read.
  Sherry Turkle, author of Alone Together: why we expect more from Technology
  
  Our relationships with attachment figures are often innately ‘messy’ and filled with discord as mismatches rupture the attuned, resonant alignments that are possible in our relational world. The reconnection established in the mismatch-repair process illuminated in this important work enables us to develop resilience in the face of the inevitable disconnections in these important self-defining close connections in our lives. This wise book will help many to reframe such ruptures as opportunities rather than troublesome burdens, painful yet important challenges that can actually afford us the interactive reconnection experiences that serve as the foundation for flourishing in life.
  Dr Daniel J. Siegel, author of Mindset, and Clinical Professor at UCLA School of Medicine
• 
  Tommy Keough

  One of those “I get the gist” books from the jump.
  
  Still good in a lot of ways, with a lot of really good examples that flesh out the still-face paradigm. Basically, the process of rupture and repair isn’t just unavoidable in relationship, it’s a developmental necessity. Moreover we shouldn’t agonize over the messiness of life but lean into the resilience it brings to bear. 3.5 stars.
• 
  Edita Minik

  Naujas požiūrio kampas į nesutarimus ir tarpusavio ryšio kūrimą, nutrūkimą ir atnaujinimą. Verta skaityti tiek auginantiems vaikus, tiek siekiantiems darnos visuose kituose santykiuose.
• 
  Larkin Tackett

  The foundation of the book is the “Still-Face Experiment” that one of the authors, psychologist Ed Tronick first conducted nearly 50 years ago. The experiment involves a baby and parent sitting facing each other. The parent starts by playing with their baby, smiling at the child, and talking to them. The parent turns away and looks back with a still face -- a blank stare without any responsiveness to their baby -- for two minutes. After the still-face portion of the experiment there is a repair when the parent returns to normal, playing with and talking to their baby. It’s so painful to watch the middle, still-face part of the experiment. The baby looks confused, tries to get the parent’s attention, gets distressed and frustrated, and then starts crying. After the still-face part of the experiment, when the parent returns to interacting with the baby, the relationship is repaired. The joy from the connection between parent and baby is clear and beautiful. The baby is quickly able to regulate its emotions once the parent is present again. While the experiment provides a ton of insights about parenting, further studies and treatments that resulted from the original experiment have been used to help a variety of relationships.
  
  The authors write that the most important insight of the study is how we can move from unfulfilling or troubled relationships to having more connections, meaning, and growth. “The central takeaway of this book is that discord in relationships is normal,” write the authors. In fact, our sense of self, our ability to be close to others, and how we learn critical life lessons emerge from the messiness of relationships. After spending so much of my own childhood and professional career steering clear of conflict and avoiding challenging relationships, my mind was blown by the clear research and discussion in the book about the ways those conflicts and messiness make me better.
• 
  K Hue

  Brilliant! "mismatch and repair" "How do you learn to listen in a way that is open to uncertainty?" Dr Terry Brazelton could observe and listen to infants and babies because he knew the baby had something to tell him, and he recognized he did not yet know what that was.
  
  "Empathy requires knowing you know nothing." - Leslie Jamison, The Empathy Exams
  
  "When you acknowledge what you dont know, plunging into and muddling through the limitless uncertainty, then you have the opportunity to discover creative solutions to complex problems. Staying with the unpredictability allows you to heal and grow."
  
  "The cell phone use is not the cause of the problem but rather the result of their history of moment-to-moment interaction characterized by unrepaired mismatch--the solution to technology lies not in admonitions for limited use but in just what Sherry Turtle advocates: immersion in real face-to-face interactions."
• 
  Edita Pakalnienė

  Kelios vertingos citatos:
  "Šokimas ir pati muzika padeda pajusti ramybę.O reguliacija, kurią žmogus patiria mokydamasis šokti, ateina tiek iš sąveikų su partneriu, tiek iš judėjimo"
  "Savireguliacija kalba apie gebėjima įsitraukti į mus supantį pasaulį ir aptirti įvairiausių emocijų nepalūžtant. Praradus artimą,reikia gedėti, išgyventi gilų liūdesį, bet išlaikyti gebėjimą funkcionuoti toliau. Panašiai yra su pykčiu,sveiku dalyku artimuose santykiuose, kuris tampa problema, jeigu įniršęs visiskai prarandi savasties ir savo partnerio jausmą."
  "Savasties jausmas išauga iš sąveikų ankstyvuosiuose artimuose gimdytojo ir vaiko santykiuose. "
  "Tėvai, ramiai dalyvaudami žaidime, padeda savo vaikams pasiekti kti tiek savikliovos, tiek artimumo."
  "Tyrimai rodo, kad genai, siejami su impulsyvumu ir nedėmesingu elgesiu, gali pasireikšti tik tokioje aplinkoje, kuriai būdingas stresas ir neišspresti konfliktai. Santykinai be steso ir konfliktų situacijoje jie neįsijungia."
  "O jei žodį kaltė pakeistume žodžiu atsakomybė? Kai prisimame atsakomybę, paprastai jaučiamės įgalinti. Tarpusavio santykiams nukrypus nuo vežių, ar tai būtų santykiai tarp gimdytojo ir vaiko, meilės partnerių, brolių ar draugų, užuot ėmę ieškoti kaltų, turėtume suprasti,kad kiekvienad poros dalyvis atlieka savo vaidmenį. Galbūt mums reikia ieškoti pagalbos ir priimti,kad savo vaidmenis galėtume atlikti kitaip"
• 
  Andrea

  The premise of The Power of Discord centers around the presence of tension or disagreement, and its resolution, are critical in human development and how our relationships deepen. This is a great read to reinforce how important open discussion and connection are in our lives, and very timely with the polarization in our world today.
  
  This is great for background, especially for people who work in child development or education, and for those who are seeking to be parents or caretakers. I would like to see more on how to adapt later in life if early childhood or life changes create more challenges to overcome in a future book.
  
  Thank you to NetGalley and Little, Brown, and Company for the ARC. All opinions are my own.
• 
  Lisa

  People are fascinating and sometimes hard to understand. This book helps with that. It is the book to read about being and growing in relationships. Weaving together infant - parent observational research, child development and psychoanalytic thinking in providing a framework for understanding and improving parenting, adult relationships and deepening capacity for connection and intimacy in all areas. I like that it is highly readable and accessible but doesn't oversimplify. It makes minimal use of psychobabble and lingo, and remains true to the heft of its knowledge-base without losing the lay reader. Also very well written. Excellent read!!
• 
  Gökben Akdag

  I love how well still face paradigm and it is connection with mismatch and repair explained (and its effect on our behaviours, attachment styles).
  
  This is for sure one of the best books that you should read before having a child because it gives details on how to not be afraid of mismatch and how it helps parents to raise the children who feel more secure in their future lives.
  
  However, I find the examples weak. Additionally, it actually does not give any insight on adult relationships (couples, friends, work, civil lives etc). For adults, it just repeats again and again “apply the same”.
• 
  elle jay

  I really enjoyed the ideas in here and it was clear and easy to read; I found the observations around being ok with being alone/alone together and empathy particularly interesting. I did find it a bit repetitive and it stopped just as I got *really* interested - in how it all plays out in the huge 'discord' evident in current politics, media and personal relationships. But it was enjoyable, and definitely worth reading.
• 
  Megan

  This is a great book and very encouraging and hopeful. Again and again, the message of this book is that ruptures and disconnect happen and it is good and fine that they happen; just be sure to make a repair. So long as a repair follows a rupture, relationships can heal, develop, and move forward.
• 
  Renata

  Patiko knygoje pateikta žinutė, kaip nereikia bijoti nesutarimų, svarbu visuomet atitaisyti ryšį.
  Čia pateikta daug eksperimentų, patirčių istorijų.
  Didžiąją dalį jų sudaro iš ankstyvųjų santykių, kūdikio ir motinos, vaiko ir tėvų santykių, bet norėjosi daugiau ir iš kitų žmogaus amžiaus etapų (nors negaliu sakyti, kad jų nebuvo - buvo, bet man per mažai).
• 
  Anna Zenchenkova

  Ощущение, что перевод на русский язык был выполнен крайне непрофессионально и неточно, отчего теряется бóльшая часть смысла труда. По сути, посыл всей книги был изложен на последней ее странице, остальное - либо плохо переведенный текст, либо попытка объять необъятное, настолько масштабная тема изначально было заложена.
• 
  Cristie Underwood

  Society focuses on perfect relationships where there is little to no strain or stress. The author of this book lays out the case for how imperfect relationships actually give us skills that we need to learn and grow. I found this to be a really interesting approach and a great read!
• 
  WhiskedAwayReads

  I appreciated the well combined factual knowledge with the real examples through each chapter. I wish that there were some more concrete examples of next steps as mismatch occurred and processing repair. But that might just be me as a concrete thinker. Overall, it was a thoughtful and great book.
• 
  Caleb

  A great read with tons of terms, references, and research.
  
  Highly recommend for clients and therapists alike.
  
  
• 
  G Curtin

  mismatch and repair
• 
  Amanda B

  10/10 amazing book on early development and relationships through the lifespan, highly recommend any parent and/or pediatric occupational therapist to listen to!
• 
  Jacqueline Machado

  As a therapist I always recommend this book to clients wanting to understand the science & importance of ruptures & repairs.
• 
  Lisa Howdin

  Might be useful to new parents and professionals involved in looking after babies from a theoretical perspective but there was no practical help for adult relationships.
• 
  Chelsey

  A must read.
• 
  Karah Carpenter

  The basic principle of this book is powerful. Relationships thrive by overcoming tension, not by avoiding it. If cemented into your mind, this concept will change your life. Healthy relationships are the basis of a healthy existence. The authors do a great job of driving the point home from all angles.
  
  I will note, there’s a lot of Freud usage as well as a the Big Bang theory, and sprinkled with some Darwin. This is not off putting to me, but it may be to some.
• 
  Veronika

  If you're already pretty familiar with attachment theory, a lot of it will be review. That being said, there were a looot of really interesting points. Gave me a new perspective on how to think about ADHD and "good-enough" parenting.
• 
  Vilte

  This book is brimming with insights that will relieve you of striving for that "perfect" relationship. Whether infant-parent, significant other, colleagues, extended family . . . this information explains some universal concepts that help the reader perceive the flow of interactions between two people as a beautiful process that serves a very important purpose in living a full, healthy life. Overall, the significance of bumps along the way (within relationships) and the re-organization that results are fully explained and supported through an abundance of insights, anecdotes and research studies which are offered throughout this book. Definitely important.