Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs by Faith G. Harper


Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs
Title : Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs
Author :
Rating :
ISBN : 1621061000
ISBN-10 : 9781621061007
Language : English
Format Type : Paperback
Number of Pages : 192
Publication : Published January 14, 2020

Boundaries are the ways we communicate our needs. They are what allow us to feel safe among strangers, in everyday interactions, and in our closest relationships. When we have healthy boundaries, we have a strong foundation in an uncertain world. And when someone crosses your boundaries, or you cross someone else's, the result range from unsettling to catastrophic. In this book, bestselling author Dr. Faith Harper offers a full understanding of issues of boundaries and consent, how we can communicate and listen more effectively, and how to survive and move on from situations where our boundaries are violated.


Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs Reviews


  • Kanchan

    I listened to this book on audible and it was like talking to your personal therapist. I have struggled with boundaries for a while now and this book summed up my struggles quite eloquently. I learned to listen to my gut more actively and it helped me detect early that a boundary violation occurred. This helped me to stop responding to situations based on social expectations and more in line with what my body was telling me to do. The book also had many practice exercises on how to actually communicate our boundaries to others calmly like telling NO to something is perfectly acceptable but telling them what you really want opens up better understanding between the participants. The book also had many good tools on communicating through conflict. It recommend we use BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) technique in communication with such people and avoid 3As (advice, admonishment, apology). I have personally said sorry in situations like these just to end the discussion and found it backfired as now the instigator had more cause to blame me and this chapter was an eye opener on what I was doing wrong in such difficult situations. Anyone struggling to communicate or maintain their boundaries should really read it better yet listen to this book.

  • Christina Loeffler

    Suggested by my therapist so I already knew it was going to be good, but a fun and funny crash course in the science (yes, science) behind and implementation of boundary setting. Boundaries are not some myth made up to piss people off, they're a way to uphold and protect the integrity, trust and vulnerability in important relationships. This should be required reading for every human being because the importance of setting boundaries for yourself, and respecting the boundaries of other people can not be over stated.

  • Ieva Gr

    Why I read it: A youtuber I follow made a video praising it.

    What I liked about it: That it divided boundaries and their violations into 7 categories (physical, property, sexual, emotional-relational, intellectual, spiritual, time). I think this is a good way to better understand some interactions and why they upset us – as violations of some distinct boundary types. It expanded my definition of boundary violations to include things like not cleaning up one’s own mess or assuming the thoughts and feelings of others. I think I do that to people quite often.

    What I disliked: That a lot of the information in the book was something I already come across before.

  • Tylah Marie

    *3.5/5 ★*

    I liked the casual sense of this book, almost like you were sitting down with a friend and having a deep conversation. I definitely feel like this kind of topic should be talked about more during school years. So when you are going into adolescence, you have more of an understanding of setting your own boundaries and respecting others. I probably read this way too quickly to really let it all soak in but this was a very informative read : )

  • Zach

    I’m not a self-help or therapeutic book reader. Theory? Politics? History? Sex? Sure. How to unf*ck yourself... less so. But I backed the Kickstarter because zines are cool, and the book was so small and friendly-looking.

    I don’t think I have fallen for a book so deeply and so quickly before. I was recommending it to my doctor and buying it for my library by the time I was done.

    It is written in easy to read, up-beat prose, but don’t let that fool you. Harper is asking for us to do some serious work. Some of it is easy, a lot of it is difficult, but but I had a surprising number of “a-ha” moments for a book that clicks in at under 200 pages.

    It’s worth multiple reads.

  • Jenny Rossberg

    Planning to bring this lil book to therapy next week because WOW this was great and I have a lot to talk about. Not a self-help tone, instead, it reads like a friend getting real with you. This seriously helped me think through some of my boundary issues, and I plan to use it as a reference for myself moving forward.

  • Budi Arsana

    Altough i enjoyed the narrator of the books, the content too much have F* words. And the content also not straight to the point of solution.

  • Katarina

    I get that swearing is her whole "thing" but that doesn't excuse her use of the word "derp."

  • RH Walters

    Clear effective advice in a short book with a beautiful Tibetan word “shenlock,” which means the renunciation of an old pattern.

  • Nada AbuHassan

    Informative

  • Beth & Luna

    It was pretty good, but not much I hadn't heard before.

  • Robin

    Short, but useful introduction to boundaries (different categories of boundaries, ways that those boundaries are violated, and some ways to get better at understanding and talking about boundaries). Kinda felt like there wasn't enough material here, but what is here is helpful for me to think about.

  • Laura May

    Free on Audible Plus, and full of useful content and examples. All the swearing was wildly unnecessary though - it really came off as though the author was trying to be cool by using 'naughty words'. I'd have no hesitation recommending a less-sweary version to friends, esp other women, but the way in which this was written is a bit tired and embarrassing.

  • Shahrazad

    Quick read, found the forced sassiness a bit annoying but was still good overall. It’s called ‘unf*ck your boundaries’ but it does tackle much more and some of the best advise in it is on communication and conflict resolution.

  • Garrett Zecker

    “I don’t write shallow, fluffy, feel-good books where emotional wellness work is over-simplified by burying it with mantras about how the laws of attraction will create instant happiness and success (not to mention perfect boundaries).”

    This is the second boundary-related book that I was suggested to read recently, the first being Patrick King’s The Art of Everyday Assertiveness, which I found to be excellent. After then moving on to this book, man I am feeling that I really have a handle on why a lot of my relationships are pretty screwed up - and I preferred this book to King’s, although they both have really different and unique perspectives to offer that were both equally helpful. The most important thing to mention is that I am not the type of person that believes in any spiritual woo-woo, and these two books really knocked it out of the park with concrete, direct, and science/psychology-based approaches to the subject matter.

    UnF **k Your Boundaries is an informative, illustrated guide to the whys and wherefores of where our boundaries have gone terribly wrong, what kind of people in our lives are most likely to take advantage of them, and how to reclaim them. It is also a guide to exploring your own boundary-breaking habits, and examining the best self-reflective patters and exercises we need to fight back. The book reminds us how people of a certain high-conflict, low-boundary nature will take advantage of the low/porous boundary person and use it to coopt their kindness and malleability, and I found this to be the most illuminating part of the book to me. I found that it was generally my fault for having such porous boundaries, and also putting trust into people who have personality types that fall into the high-conflict, coercive control identity. I am a good person that people can use to meet their own needs, and in the past, I have had difficulty identifying when these things were happening until it was much, much too late.

    I enjoyed this book a lot and I feel like it has given me strategies to take back my life. I have made a lot of mistakes, and it's really awful that I had such difficulty not only communicating my wants and needs, but doing it clearly and consistently. When there have been boundary violations – and there have been a lot that have affected my entire life – people have just walked all over me like they were allowed to, and it is not only their fault for being garbage, but mine for allowing it and avoiding conflict. This book outlines how that was done, how to take my life back, and how to move forward with compassion and empathy.

    It also discusses the ways I may have disrupted other people’s boundaries in the past, and when to atone for them if it is necessary to. Sometimes it isn’t okay to atone for them, either because it is too far gone or it ends up actually being (or perceived as) just an exercise in making oneself feel better and it will make them feel worse. Regardless, assuming you are not an abusive person and have a lot of additional work to do, this book also helps you fix past boundary errors you have made.

    “...we all have so much capacity for healing. And healthy relationships. And we deserve safe passage in society... problems that have existed for generations don’t get fixed with platitudes, they get fixed when we do the difficult work of figuring out what we truly want in life, the kinds of relationships we want and don’t want, and how we best communicate these desires to those around us while holding space for them to communicate their desires to us.”

    This was a really great book. A fast read, without any fluff and a lot of concrete suggestions on how to take back your life. It is short, succinct, to the point, and has a voice that is a lot of fun. Definitely worth picking up, as it is clear we all have a lot of work to do in this department.

  • January

    Unf*ck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs by Faith G. Harper PhD LPC-S ACS ACN 192 pages, 2 hours and 48 minutes narrated by Erin Bennett

    Genre: Self-Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Personal Development, Communication, Audiobook, Health, Communication & Social Skills, Conflict Resolution, Personal Success, Social Sciences, Stress Management

    Featuring: Boundaries, Trauma Responses, Backdrafts, Emotional and Mental Disorders of Others, Saying No, Coping For Now, Escaping Abuse, A Lot-ot-ot of Profanity, Questions

    Rating as a movie: R - for adult situations and content including violence and sexual content.

    My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

    Quotes: "
    1) What we mean to say. You know, the actual idea you are trying to express. 2) What we actually say. If you are really good at saying only exactly what you mean at all times, I hope you write a book on your technique. For us regular humans, what we have in our minds and what comes out of our mouths is not always a solid match. 3) What the other person hears. Just because you said it doesn’t mean they heard it without any filter. 4) What the other person thinks you mean. Even if you said “anything for dinner is fine” and you meant anything for dinner is fine, your partner may think there is a hidden agenda, or other things going on beyond the words that actually came out of your mouth."

    My thoughts:9% - I'm really I'm not in the mood for discussion questions. Good information though.
    📱21% - This book is fantastic, I think a lot of the swearing is unnecessary but it's not as excessive as Sarah Knight.
    📱 62% 1:44:30 - Now I need to learn more about HCPs and backdrafts. I also need to her other books.

    I don't recall if this book is free on Audible or one of the books I decided on in the last 3 for 1 sale, either way it was in my Downloads folder and the oldest of the bunch so I read it. It is a really good book but the hip comebacks and foul language add little to the context. What I got from this book was a cool take on fight-flight-freeze, your body has a boundary sensor that works without the use of your senses, High-Conflict People, Emotional Backdrafts and Backdraft Compassion, and I really want to read Unf#ck Your Brain (free) but maybe I don't. This was interesting and informative but the delivery wasn't the best. I hope she doesn't truly refer to her spouse as Mr. Faith.

    Recommend to others?: Sure, why not?

  • Sagnik Chakraborty

    A Manifesto for changing the world

    Dr Faith Harper has always been my favourite. her humor, give no shit language and practical no nonsense advice has always appealed to me.
    I always recommend her books to people looking for Goodreads on mental health,trauma,anxiety etc.
    I must say, among all of her books, this one has a very special place. it deals with boundaries. seems simple enough, but often in our lives, we find not understanding what a boundary actually is. Taking from my own personal experience, communicating boundaries have always resulted in offense or misunderstandings, as most of us know the word but seldom take the time to understand the word in all of its aspects and meanings and most of all - it's importance. if you give your significant one book, let this be this one.

  • Sumit

    A really excellent (and tiny!) book on understanding, establishing, tracking, and communicating boundaries, as well as reflecting on your own ability to respect those of others. As many have mentioned, the overly casual tone can be a bit annoying, but I found that disappeared into the background for me after a few pages. The author also does a great job of citing specific references, both within the text and in the references section, to give interested readers a path to more of the background work that this book has put into convenient summary form.

  • James

    My star rating is both for the content and her style, which, as many other reviews addressed, has lots of swearing and (2018 teenage?) slang. I'm not the target audience but my reading tastes run a broad gamut so I stuck this one out and surprisingly found that she made me laugh often enough that the book went quickly and I remembered the messages within.

    I gave four stars because it's effectively organized and broken down into actionable, bite-sized chunks.

    if the subject of boundaries is new to you and you can tolerate or enjoy the delivery, then this is a great introduction. If you already know the basics and are looking to add to that, I still feel like it's a worthwhile quick refresher with some new looks and ideas sprinkled in.

    This may be the only one I read from the series, but I still recommend it because even if her style is not your style, many of you may know somebody who would like it and then, what a great gift of knowledge and understanding you have given.

    Spoiler alert, a quote serving as a good summary for what she's teaching here:

    "problems ...get fixed when we do the difficult work to figure out what it is that we truly want in life, the kind of relationships that we want and don't want, and how we best communicate those desires to those around us while holding space for them to communicate their desires to us."

    That's it. That's the Grail.

    (I just rememberd I had already bought unfuck your intimacy, so, see you in a few hours)

  • Nikki

    I thought I had a good handle on boundaries, but this book taught me so much! It filled in gaps in my knowledge that I didn’t know I had. Practical information and advice presented in an approachable and straightforward manner. I can already identify ways that this information will improve my personal life AND how I can utilize the teachings to support my therapy clients.

  • Vic

    This was a nice quick read! It was very informative and insightful while using colloquial language. It's definitely a good starting point to dive deeper into boundary-setting in interpersonal relationships.

  • Nikki

    I loved the humorous, conversational tone of the book, and Faith Harper has a really no bullshit approach to things. A lighthearted read but also very thoughtfully written. A great companion book for Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Codependency For Dummies by Darlene Lancer!

  • Keith

    Excellent information. Helped me out of a relationship that needed to change and couldn't.

  • Jodi Mayhak

    Don't read if you are squeamish about curse words. I found this more engaging and practical than the Boundaries bool by Cloud & Townsend.

  • Agnija Bako

    This book was every thing I expected - concise, written in a way that's easy to understand and I learned a lot.

  • Kati Polodna

    New goal: woke on setting boundaries. It’s gonna be tough and awkward, but I too often give in to get along. But if I don’t put myself first, who will?

  • Rasa Gicevica

    This was great! not easy work by any means, but made easier and worth putting in the reflection work and time to think through every point!

  • Margot

    I'm not very generous with my 5 star reviews. I want to give this six.

    Wish I'd had access to this in my 20s. I have a lot of catching up to do.

    Just ordered the workbook.

  • Manouska Jones

    I love the writing. Also very helpfull tips that you can use in your daily life