Unfuck Your Intimacy: Using Science for Better Relationships, Sex, and Dating by Faith G. Harper

Unfuck Your Intimacy: Using Science for Better Relationships, Sex, and Dating Reviews

• 
  Sally Isabel

  I was looking for something deeper, maybe more spiritual or psychological, but this book still had some value despite being focused on the more physical aspects of intimacy.
  
  My very favorite chapter is "Date Like a Grown Up" (pp 135-55). This should be required reading for anyone who ever plans on dating. Basic advice, but essential. For me the takeaways from this chapter were to beware the oxytocin trap, especially during the first 3-4 months. People can keep up a decent facade for about 3-4 months before their true colors start to show. This is why I'd prefer to be friends with someone first, before dating, so that I know what I'm getting into. In today's world of Insta-dating, I see a lot of people falling into fast relationships that end up in the garbage after a year or so. It's irresponsible and impatient, but it's quickly becoming part of our dating culture.
  
  The rest of my review, I break down into the following areas that were of interest to me.
  
  PTSD: Harper explains that trauma tends to show up in intimate relationships, because those are the ones that require the most vulnerability. She doesn't go into too much detail on trauma and recovery, but does recommend other resources for this. The explanation of PTSD is this: "The brain presumes that your past will be your future and goes into survival mode. Maybe you get flooded with memories. Maybe you freeze up and shut down. Maybe you completely disconnect. Your response is not about the present moment, instead your past experiences have gotten reactivated." (p 27) however, having further studied PTSD, I now understand that this is not really what’s going on. PTSD is more like your brain hasn’t been able to process the trauma yet and it sort of just stuck there while time continues to move forward.
  
  Boundaries: For those of you who don't know what boundaries are, "having healthy boundaries means understanding where we need space and where we need scaffolding and communicating those needs to the people around us." (p 67) This is difficult for a lot of people, because many of us we were never taught to pay attention to our boundaries, which are fluid and do change over time. We were often taught to ignore our boundaries by parents and society at large, so finding your true boundaries and being true to them is a serious task for most. However, if we don't determine our own boundaries, the world will decide for us and that might put us in some terrible situations, so boundary awareness and establishment is essential to a happy life. (p 75) So, what if someone does not respect your boundaries? Ideally, you walk away from that person forever. However, if circumstances require that you have some interaction with this person, Harper recommends imagining a clear pane of glass between you and the boundary-violator.
  
  Sexual identity: some lesser known sexual identities, that I tend to identify with are Demisexuals and Graysexuals. Demisexuals "usually only experience sexual attraction when they feel a strong emotional connection to someone" and Graysexuals "only feel sexual attraction to someone under certain circumstances, which may or may not correlate with their level of emotional intimacy." Stones are those who love sex, but mostly because "their pleasure comes from pleasing a partner." (p. 90)
  
  Touch: English speakers appear to have a cold-hearted culture. "On average, in Mexico City, couples touched each other 185 times an hour; in Paris it was 115 times an hour. In London, couples did not touch each other at all and in Florida [USA] it was twice an hour." (pp 109-10) Needless to say, affectionate touching (not necessarily sexual), is a basic way to communicate desire, trust, and love to a partner, so try doing it more.
  
  Affairs: I was honestly shocked to read that "research demonstrates that most relationships do recover from an affair." (p 181) That blew my mind.
  
  Monogamy and Polyamory: "Only 30% of primates are down for monogamy, and only 3% of mammals. Humans are a unique species in that we are wired for both monogamy and polyamory. It's pretty much straight 50/50 split. Half of all people prefer monogamy. This holds true of all genders." (p 188) That's 50/50 for both men and women, so watch out you sexist creeps. I am definitely monogamous, when I image being in a polyamorous relationship I quickly understand that my response would be to give up and go find someone who wants to be monogamous. It was refreshing to hear that we are hardwired for both, with some people tending towards monogamy and others towards polyamory. In a place like Portland, Oregon, I often feel like I'm wrong and old-fashioned for being monogamous, but it's simply my nature.
• 
  Hannah Silver

  I learned a lot but the writing is intolerable.
• 
  Kerri G

  I guess it is my fault when I pick up a book called Un-Fuck Your Intimacy, and get disappointed when the author tries to be a cool kid using bad words to prove a point. I felt this was very click-baity. Like, “here’s what I’ll fucking cover in this book. Wanna fucking know more about it? We’ll talk about it later.”
  
  I just found the style annoying rather than clever and didn’t feel the topics were fully explored...or barely scraped the surface.
• 
  Courtney Suchil

  I think this was alot better than Unfuck your Brain. It gave me some great ideas and techniques.
• 
  Moon Captain

  I don't know how to star this. It was probably good. It made me uncomfortable and that's probably a good thing?
• 
  Sid D.

  Very comprehensive and progressive look at relationships and intimacy. Tons of really useful info!
  
  I could have done with less of the “cool” lingo (my god please stop talking about Kinsey’s toothbrush thing) and I wish she had been a bit more consistent with trans inclusive language. She hit about a 70% success rate on that front. My only other critique is that it rubs me the wrong way when white people use AAVE slang, and her use of words like “boo” and other turns of phrase that were coined by black communities and co-opted by white people was fairly heavy handed. Based on her photos I don’t think she is black, though I’m open to being corrected on that if I’m misreading something.
  
  With those things in mind, it’s still worth a read!
• 
  Eli

  This was about as good as I was hoping. Made me feel a lot better about myself because I actually don't have a lot of intimacy issues. And it was just fun to read because the author has a likable, modern, "hip" voice.
  
  One bonus about this book is how diverse and inclusive it was. There was a whole chapter on open relationships and another whole chapter on kinks, fetishes, and BDSM and how to navigate that in relationships. The author was also very respectful of different genders and sexualities and didn't assume everyone with the same biological parts identify with the same gender. Loved that.
• 
  Angel

  I feel like this book could be better organized with less swearing and I don't appreciate how bi is treated like an archaic word for pansexuality, but overall, there are some great questions here. As someone who regularly goes to therapy, the questions and writing prompts are more of a reminder than new content.
• 
  Kirsty

  This book is informative but does paddle through a huge amount of topics rather than truly diving into specifics, which I think it could've benefited from at times. I can't say I completely got along with the way it was written, but I do love the intention behind this book.
• 
  Mariana Nascimento

  solid advice and knowledge but the type of language is too much sometimes.
• 
  Hestia Istiviani

  Lagi-lagi, kenali diri sendiri sembari mencari partner yang serasi.
  
  Pada YouTube live di kanal @hasyemiraws awal Februari lalu, dia bilang kalau buku Relationships nggak terlalu "wah" karena sebelumnya dia baca Unf*ck Your Intimacy ini. Beberapa percakapan kami sebelumnya, dia jg sempat berbagu sedikit isi dari buku ini. Dia bilang bukunya bagus.
  
  Unf*ck Your Intimacy cuma terdiri dari 3 bab yg dibawakan dg gamblang sekali. Secara garis besar, buku ini menekankan pada sejauh mana kita mengenali diri. Bukan "self-aware" yg berkaitan dg "passion," ya. Melainkan mengenali diri secara fisik. Itu pun bukan sebatas penampilan seperti bentuk muka atau kurus/gendut seseorang.
  
  Yep, ada alasan mengapa buku ini ratingnya 17+. It goes deeper to our sexuality & preferences. Tentang melakukannya secara solo atau dg pihak lain. Bagian itu jadi favoritku sebab membantuku u/ "debunk the myth" tentang perempuan & hawa nafsu. Padahal mah perempuan jg manusia 🙄. Easy man... penulisnya nggak asal bikin narasi. Ada data pendukung yg mendukung paragrafnya.
  
  Unf*ck Your Intimacy menjadi buku dlm bentuk audiobook yg berhasil aku selesaikan! Sebenarnya tersedia di Scribd, namun karena aku nggak suka baca via ponsel/laptop, akhirnya cari cara lain. Berkat menghubungkan nomor keanggotaan perpus AS ke akun Libby, aku bisa pinjam versi audionya 😄.
  
  Mendengarkan buku menjadi sesuatu yg baru. Kecepatan naratornya bisa diatur. Awalnya, aku coba yg normal. Lalu, aku naikkan dari 1,25 kali menjadi 2 kali lebih cepat 😂 Sejauh ini masih aman & bisa dimengerti 👌
  
  Selama mendengarkan, kadang aku pakai earphone sambil beberes kamar. Kadang aku sambungkan ke active speaker & mendengarkannya sambil mandi 😂 Yah, itung-itung sbg pengganti siniar (podcast).
• 
  Molls

  2.75
  I think there are a lot of good take aways that one can get from this, a lot of good questions to talk to your therapist about but Jesus Christ can we stop with the random, brash, millennial humor?? Why are we talking about self love and suddenly talking about shoveling Panda Express into our mouth because “we all do that girlboss” absolutely insufferable
• 
  Buzzkill

  I am obsessed with this book! It's one of the most inclusive books I've ever read on relationships. It talks about monogamy, polyamoury, LGBTQ+ relationships, aro-ace spectrum, body image, how trauma impacts relationships, dating, maintaining relationships, cheating. It hits on pretty much everything!
  I also really like the guiding questions this book has as well the exercises it shares.
  Recommending this book to literally everyone.
• 
  Brittany

  Two stories time - one of my exes described someone he didn't like once as a 'cocksucker'. I was taken aback by this and asked him how he thought that term comes across to his girlfriend. His response was, "It's fine if you suck cock because you're a woman." This wasn't cutting it for me (to say the least) and so began my frustration with people using phrases like 'That sucks' or 'This blows' and the like, which indicates that doing things that are typically done by straight or bi women/gay or bi men for the benefit of men are bad and/or reflective of the badness of the straight or bi women/gay or bi men and never the recipient of said acts.
  
  Another time, someone I know said something along the lines of, "Everyone should be having more sex." I responded, "Mmm, no, I really think that's for people to decide for themselves. Some people would probably be better off having less sex, some people are probably having just the right amount of sex, and some people probably would indeed benefit from having more sex. Regardless, that's for individual people to decide for themselves and not for you to dictate." He doubled-down, and said that he meant what he said and that, no really, everyone absolutely should be having more sex.
  
  So anyways, I was going to give this book 3 stars in the beginning, but I became so irritated about halfway through due to the author's attitude and advice. It's "sex-positivity" in the sense described in the second story above - everyone should be totally chill with everything, and if you're not maximizing your time having kinky sex with 27 people, you're a prude sense - which I find deeply frustrating, irritating, and not actually sex-positive. The author spends all her time detailing the negative aspects of sex-negativity, but literally none detailing the negative aspects that comes from shaming people for not being totally down to do anything and everything with anyone and everyone. And then, to top it off, she described something negative (online dating) as 'sucking balls' (hence the first story). Yeah, ok. Whatever form of sex-positivity this is, I want precisely none of it.
  
  So, two stars for when she stepped away from moralizing, but in general, you can miss me with it. I also think the author should be made aware that just because something is commonplace does not mean it should necessarily be normalized, an argument she utilizes quite frequently throughout the book.
• 
  Elan Kol

  I just had to check this one out of curiosity, and damn... this books feels like another exceedingly trashy college girl at the bar talking about her psychology class after about several beers. Just as she says something to grab your attention, she uses profanity in the most awkward and unprofessional way possible. To summarize, this is yet another low level crap quality self help book.
• 
  Olivia (ebooklivv)

  DNF
• 
  Madalyn

  Overall, this is great resource in exploring intimacy on a multitude of levels. However I wish that it had gone more in-depth and had offered more tactics on how to deal with certain issues and how to self analyze reactions. Maybe I just need see a therapist lol.
  I listened to the audiobook version of this which was good but I felt like I needed the physical copy so I could easily return to the work/questions that she proposes you partake in.
• 
  Hannah

  I wish this book was a little bit more in-depth. The author repeatedly stated there are other resources out there for covering certain topics, so I'd recommend borrowing and not buying this one. It's basically a quick guide that lightly touches on things and gives you a foundation to explore more. The exercises weren't that helpful to me, but I'm sure they would be good as a starting point for someone exploring these topics.
• 
  Ally

  Everyone needs to read this book, regardless of the stage of life they are in. Yes, the title and the prominent F word can be off putting, BUT the author discusses very important ideas and issues that are rarely discussed prior to being an adult or having a relationship. I wish I would have known this information as an adolescent!
• 
  Spencer Washington

  It made me think more emotionally rather than logically about how I approached romance and love in the past, and how I want to handle it in the future.
• 
  Alien Bookreader

  I think this book is incorrectly titled by using the word "science", setting my expectations way too high.
  
  If you’re sexually repressed and need someone to assure you for 200 pages that it’s ok to have sex and masturbate, this is the book for you. If you’re actually interested in the science of intimacy, sex and relationships, this is not the book for you. There’s almost no science in this book.
  
  
  Content:
  
  The content is all over the map but doesn't go deep into any topic. It's spread so thinly that every point seems self evident and is summarized in a few sentences - like that as you get older your body changes and erectile dysfunction becomes more likely, that childbirth can alter your body, etc. Yes, I think everyone knows this.
  
  In the attempt for breadth, so many topics were covered that ultimately it misses the point of a book. Most people can google these topics and get a 4 sentence blurb. People usually choose to read a book about a topic to get deeper knowledge on it.
  
  Writing Style:
  
  I didn't like the writing style at all.
  
  The author loves words like: "fuck, fuckery, shit, asshole, FFS, grown-ass adult, folx, stressful as balls, butthurt, naked sexitime, boo." These words are included in almost every page, and it sounds like an adult impersonating a 13 year old. I didn't really see why, because this book is aimed at adults.
  
  The author keeps referring to Alfred Kinsey as “toothbrush guy”. Why not just use his name? He was a very famous researcher and sexologist. Why does the author thinks her readers need euphemisms to stay focused?
  
  There are pop culture references forced into every chapter, and I didn’t get any of them, nor see how helped the content. The author also uses euphemisms like "sexitime" and "solo sex" instead of just saying sex and masturbation. If this book aims to help people be open about sexuality, why use these little euphemisms? It defeats the point and makes it seem like the author is too embarrassed to say the word "masturbation".
  
  Black and White Thinking:
  
  The author sees the world in black and white, and makes big, unsupported claims. She assumes everyone is sexually repressed, full of shame, and afraid to masturbate.
  
  Page 40 - “I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had religious values from their past create some kind of internal conflict in how they express themselves as sexual beings.”
  
  In general I agree that religion can set people up for issues related to sexuality, I've also noticed this, but I still expect to see citations since this is a very strong claim to make. I also would expect some acknowledgment that not everyone is raised with a religious upbringing. This is something I've noticed when talking to people from eastern Europe and western Europe - eastern Europeans seem less sexually repressed, I think due to less religious education as lasting effect of communism.
  
  Which brings me to my next criticism...
  
  Lack of Science:
  
  Page 116 - A few reasons to have “Solo Sex” (masturbation):
  
  “- Reclaiming your sexuality from the fucked-up shit you’ve dealt with in your past
  - Reclaiming your sexuality from the fucked-up messages our culture inundated us with on a constant basis
  - Political activism to actively fight sexual repression […]
  - Because WHYTHEFUCKNOT?”
  
  I would think a book about “science” would mention the science behind orgasm, and list a few of the health benefits of orgasms, like the release of endorphins, reducing cramps, strengthening the pelvic floor muscles, etc. But no, according to the author, masturbation should be an act of political activism. Really? Just rename the book with "activism" instead of "science".
  
  Page 127 - “Sex addiction and porn addiction don’t exist … according to research there is no such thing”
  
  Again- if you’re going to make such a bold and controversial claim, you better cite some sources. There's plenty of research on this topic with conflicting findings. It's not as black and white as the author makes it seem.
  
  This book is first and foremost a book of personal opinions by a counsellor, on how sex and relationships should be. The science is extremely sparse. There are a handful of studies sprinkled in throughout the book- about infants not being touched, about how often couples touch, cheating statistics (all with no citations). Most chapters don’t mention a single study.
  
  This book has an agenda. Which is unfortunate.
  
  The author tells you what words to use to describe your sexuality (polysexual or humasexual instead of bisexual), tells you not to use filtered photos on dating apps, tells you to wait one month before letting your new partner meet your friends, tells you to masturbate as a form of political activism, etc. The author gives her highly subjective personal advice and then calls it science.
  
  And the irony is, this is the author's own self description:
  
  “I am the science-y, research-y chick” (page 119)
  
  If that’s the case then why didn’t you include almost any science or research in a book about the science of intimacy?
  
  2 stars
• 
  Dee’s Cozy Corner

  Always get consent
• 
  Toni Rose Deanon

  GASP. I LOVE ALL OF THIS.
• 
  emma

  Skimmed, 3.5/4
• 
  McKinley Reid

  Lots of thoughts on this one. In some ways it’s a really great starting point and super inclusive of a lot of topics. It never really deep dives into anything but maybe that’s the point? Personally I also felt it tried a little too hard to be “cool”, just overusing “fuck this and fuck that” in a way that felt kinda cringe. Would probably be great for other but just not for me!
• 
  Kat

  2.5
• 
  Chandler Hayden

  Should be required reading for everyone before they start trying to have any relationships with anyone
• 
  Natalie

  A mix of things that I already knew with psychological practice backing it. Engaging and a good reference. At the very least very enjoyable, if not practical.