But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath by Sherrie Campbell

But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath Reviews

• 
  Jennifer Henry

  I had high hopes for this book. It's a new publication and I was hopeful that it would address some of the complexities that occur in fractured family dynamics and help me to understand how they should be addressed. I've yet to find many books that seemed to truly understand these often complicated dynamics, and better still explain to me the cause and reaction that occurs so that I'll finally find a moment of clarity and perhaps stop perpetuating the cycle. This book unfortunately was not it for me. While I see that the majority of other reviews are positive, I felt that the entire tone of this book was negative. I was searching for something matter of fact or even positive by providing me hope, this book from the beginning launched into finger-pointing and labels. I understand that the author had firsthand experience with the topic, however there were definitely moments where I felt that perhaps the author was a bit too close to this topic to provide completely objective advice. By immediately assigning roles and blame and throwing around the word 'toxic' several times in each paragraph I felt like was caught in the middle of a family argument, and I wasn't sure where exactly I should stand in the room to avoid becoming part of the conflict. The description of 'No Contact' was valuable and the inclusion of the complex emotions involved when breaking ties with your family was useful. However I felt that the overall voice of the book was angry and righteous and that it overshadowed the important pieces of information that author had included. The message of this book tells the reader that no matter what, they're in the right and that the other people in their relationships are wrong. That's an incredibly dangerous sentiment to put forth. A book written with case study examples of the topics the author discussed would have been much more credible to me than reading her obviously hurt and frustrated rants about her family. This book could have become a great memoir, and I probably would have enjoyed it as such, but as a self-help book it made me feel like I was being pulled unwillingly into someone else's family drama when all I was looking for was a way out of my own.
• 
  Arisawe Hampton

  Helpful when deciding if “enough is enough”
  
  Get this book if you want helpful advice on those who prevent you from flourishing!
  
  As Dr. Sherrie reminds us:
  
  Toxic people create drama and live in a world of negativity and you have to take a hard look and decide for yourself if you can tolerate their behavior for a lifetime – because it will never go away – or if its time to make your own well-being a priority.
  
  This may mean that you distance yourself from this person by spending less time with them, not sharing personal information, or disconnecting entirely – temporarily or permanently.
  
  Whatever steps you choose it is clear that abuse in any form is not worthwhile or tolerable!
• 
  Giselle

  Highly recommend
  
  It's crazy how a book can impact your life.. Growing up I was always confused about love. I would always ask myself "why doesn't anyone love me?" Reading this book as open my eyes on what love should be. I envy people who has a healthy family. Yes I know every family has drama and would fight with one another but this book points out the difference between a toxic family and a healthy family. For a couple years I've been reading many (I mean MANY) psychology books because I've wonder why I've always felt this way (not loved). Learning about emotions, spirit, body, and soul has changed the way I view EVERYTHING! I highly recommend this book to everyone. I will admit I cried while reading this book and it took probably weeks for me to finally finish. It was not because I lost interest but it had touch me in a way that I cannot explain. I've known defeat, suffering, struggles and would also say loss.. and after reading books after books trying to learn how I should control my emotions but instead I learned how to understand my emotions. I love being around others who have an understanding of life which fills them with compassion, gentleness, and just a deep loving concern for themselves and others around them. Before reading this book I disconnected certain family members in my life and yes at the beginning I felt like I was making a mistake. The thought of being alone scared me. This book has change the way i felt and the decision I made is for the better. Many would say or think "how selfish can you be to do that to your own family?" Is it selfish to love yourself and to protect yourself from those that put you down and make you feel so little? Does walking on egg shells around certain people love? Well if you walked in my shoes you will understand that it's not being selfish, it's about loving yourself. The love starts with you and after that the right people will stay in your life. 🧡
• 
  Aspen

  This book was recommended to me by a therapist. I connected a lot with some parts of the book and it helped me a lot with what was being discussed in therapy.
  
  However, there were quite a few grammatical errors. I also feel as though the word “toxic” and a few other words like it were overused. While reading through this book I would start connecting a lot with what was said until the author would get deep into ranting about her own personal experiences. While personal experiences are important on this topic, it pulled me out of the reading experience and felt like I was letting a friend vent to me, instead of learning more about the subject. Some of the beginnings of the rants would help me connect with some of my own simile personal experiences, but it would continue on for a long time and caused me to disengage. I also wasn’t insanely thrilled about the chapter on God/Christianity, as I feel that is a much bugged topic to be discussed in many people’s personal trauma stories. I also felt as though the author put herself in the position of always being right in toxic situations, without talking about the complexity of the topic. When we go through these kinds of situations, complex emotions happen and it is helpful to learn how some of our own self-protective behaviors that we use to survive trauma can hurt others.
  
  There aren’t a lot of titles on this topic, so I am happy to have read it! I am glad I got a few confirmations out of this book that my therapist had been discussing with me in my sessions.
• 
  Natasha Kareeva

  Все конечно очень грустно :((
• 
  R. Jade

  This is a gem of a read for anyone wanting a better understanding about toxic families, how they work, and how to break free from the spell of systemic psychological abuse.
  
  The author bravely uses her own stories to illustrate the methods and manipulations toxic people use to keep their families hooked into their vicious cycle of mind games, guilt, and shame.
  
  Thank you, Dr. Campbell, for revealing the brutal truth about this overlooked phenomenon, and for showing others how to quietly reclaim their power and effectively create the genuine connections they so desperately deserve!
  
  
  
• 
  Sharon Gausch

  This book is a solid read for anyone wrestling with unhealthy family dynamics. The author has some good insights and advice, although she comes across as bitter and self-righteous when discussing her personal family situation. This book needed a good edit; as an editor myself, I found the many grammatical issues off putting. I really liked the lyric therapy quotes, they were a great touch. Overall I would recommend this book, although I think less discussion/justification about the author’s own family would have made it stronger.
• 
  Dana Glossbrenner

  Rather than to inform, I felt that one of the author's motives was to grind an ax. Self-disclosure is an excellent method to explore matters that shatter the human heart, but I felt the narrative was motivated by a desire to point a finger at misbehavior of others rather than shore up the central thesis that, in some cases, for one's own self-preservation and sanity, family ties need to be broken. Some of the cited authority was a bit stale. I was delighted, though, just to find the title. And the book is beneficial in helping those who can no longer sustain a toxic relationship with a family member, even when the love is there.
• 
  Jacob

  It's a rare treat when I find such an encouraging, affirming, and caring book on this topic.
  
  I appreciated how the author's personal experience with her own family gave her a similar life experience to my own. Mostly, when I read through this I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly with her assertions that for your own mental health sometimes you do need to remove highly toxic people from your life. This book confirmed for me a lot that I was feeling already, and it was nice not to read about how reconciliation is always a good thing.
  
  While there were a few typos, the work itself stands solid.
  
  Toward the end, when the author insists you are never stuck, that sort of lost me. There are situations where you have to endure shitty circumstances and have to wait it out. Developing strength and fortitude and healthy coping mechanisms for such times is vital to your overall survival.
  
  Overall, this was one great therapeutic book and I was glad to get a chance to read through it. That said, everyone's experiences are different, so it may not speak to you the way it spoke to me personally because of my own life experiences with my family of origin. It's encouraging to see someone celebrate their chosen family and also cultivate a very positive and successful life after making a very painful decision.
• 
  Kaylea

  Not a very good “self-help” book. Most of the time I felt like the author was too emotional and focused on calling out her own family than exploring ways to heal from and deal with toxic family members.
• 
  Elyssa

  I mostly skimmed. There were some good things, but I feel like the author needs to work on her own shit. I sensed so much unresolved anger.
• 
  Harshal Patil

  I picked up this book to understand how to let go of family or friends I don’t like. Its impact was a 2 out of 5 on me. The book didn't offer research, diverse cases, or a clear framework to approach the issue. Instead, it seemed like a collection of the author's rants about her mother, father, ex-husband, and siblings. She says they all seemed toxic to her. This made me wonder who the toxic one is here. What is more likely?
  
  The book taught me about certain behaviors to watch for in family members and friends. For example, it talks about how you will keep trying to make a toxic person like you. They make you crave their affection. They might give you affection, give contempt or hate, then try to woo you back (hoover). Or how a toxic person will put in minimal effort to stay in touch and then blame you for lack of communication. It also describes a passive father who lets a toxic mother control family dynamics, always siding with her over the children. For instance, making the children apologize to the mother because she has "done so much for you." It even touches on toxic grandparents and adult children.
  
  The examples felt too general, like reading a horoscope where anything could apply to anyone.
  
  This book connects with Stanford's "Connect," which discusses how to maintain a superficial level in relationships when necessary. "Connect also shares a story about a father and daughter duo trying to overcome years of a relationship dynamic that did not suit the daughter.
  
  The book references the Bible, noting that forgiveness is appropriate for family members who repent, recognize their mistakes, and want to change. However, it argues that forgiveness isn't necessary if they don't show remorse.
  
  It presents two strategies for handling toxic family members. One is to stay polite but distant, like maintaining a superficial relationship. In this, you are cordial but don’t share a deep bond. The other strategy is choosing "no contact".
• 
  Katie

  This is definitely a good read once you've chosen to move forward with your life. This is not a fix-it book. When you've hit too many walls and experienced too many mixed emotions after dealing with certain relatives, this is a book you would pick up to help you cope. While I am not 100% sure I come from a toxic family, there were too many likenesses to ignore. Dr. Campbell has come so far in her own life and she writes books like this to prove that people who feel under performing or emotionally attacked by their family are not alone and do not have to continuously live with the abuse.
• 
  Bailey

  (Audiobook version)
  
  First of all, I want to say that I support all books that bring information about toxic people and this book certainly does offer a large bank of just that.
  
  There were, however, several problems.
  
  The recording wasn't good. It was done by the author herself and she read in that "extra correct" English in which you mispronounce some articles - example: "ay" bus, "ay" car. Another thing was that the recording was edited and bits that were recorded at other times were inserted. The result was that a calm and soothing tone was sometimes interrupted by an energetic and determined one, all of a sudden, and with a different quality of sound. This stopped after about the first third and only some "ays" remained.
  
  The concept of personality disorders wasn't mentioned and/or explained. I think it would help to mention that actual mental illness is involved, it might help people stop hoping that their abusive relatives will change. But manipulation tactics (characteristic of personality disorders, mainly narcissism) were explained well.
  
  The book was maybe too ambitious: it was a theoretical book about toxic people (toxic families specifically) and it was also partially a memoir. I think I would have liked it better if she had written the memoir separately. It would have also made for a very compelling memoir. What is meant by "toxic" in this book is mostly "narcissistic".
  
  It was quite vast and although it was full of relevant information, I experienced it as being disorganized - one large info dump mixed with slices of memoir, poems, "healing moments" and quotes. It also sounded a little like a rant about her family at times, which is perfectly fine, it just wasn't marketed as such. I think it's possible that the author's justified anger (which I understand, as I come from a toxic family too) hijacked her book and made it less than it could have been.
  
  It's a good book because of its subject matter and I appreciate all people who speak up against toxic families as you have to fight that big taboo to do it, but it could have been done better and a professional voice actor would have done wonders.
• 
  Jenny Miller

  This review is going to be from a Christian worldview and a pastoral counselor's perspective. I would have given this book 5 stars, except I couldn't reconcile her thoughts on forgiveness towards the end of the book. The author does not write the book from a biblical worldview, although she includes a chapter about God in the book (which I appreciate). The author states forgiveness does not mean reconciliation, which I think is key but yet she contradicts herself by tying forgiveness as being for the abuser, and how they may not deserve it. The abuser may not deserve forgiveness, but from a biblical worldview we forgive because Jesus commands us to, knowing that forgiveness does not mean diminishing what happened to us. Forgiveness is more for ourselves than for the abuser. We do not need to let the abuser know we forgave them. Forgiveness is turning them over to God to deal with, as He is the ultimate judge. It's important to define what forgiveness is not (excusing the behavior, minimizes the experience). It will never be okay. Forgiveness is not forgetting either. It's impossible for us to forget all that has happened. Her definition on page 182 is that forgiveness is for the perpetrator to which I disagree. Forgiveness cuts the emotional and spiritual tie to the abuser, freeing us to move on and give them to God to ultimately judge. While they are alive, they are able to be forgiven by God, even if we choose to separate from them. Their soul is in God's hands. Forgiveness cancels that right for us to condemn them, as again the biblical worldview states that is God's job, not ours. This hinges on the worldview that all will be made right on Judgment Day, when God makes all give an account for their lives. The abuser may be forgiven by God for the sin of their abuse, but they must live with the consequences of their behavior every day. I appreciated the fact the author did give a nod to Christians and how they may feel strongly about needing to forgive. She did include that we may choose to forgive, but we do not have to verbally tell the abuser they are forgiven (as it could cause more damage). I would have liked to see some benefits of forgiveness to show both viewpoints and let the reader make the decision based on their worldview. The author does redeem herself on page 189 when she posts a quote from Elizabeth Smart's mother about turning over the abuser to God to meet justice.
  
  Other than the issues with forgiveness, the book is spot-on in every area that the author touches on and she did a fantastic job covering all bases. The book allows the victim to be free from shame and gives permission to question their negative core believes about themselves. The book offers the opportunity to take off the glasses of how they saw the world through the abuser's eyes, and put on a fresh perspective through the lens of a healthy view of oneself. The author used some key points from other top-selling books on the same subject, which gave a great rounded view on the subject. This book would be at the top of my recommended list for this subject (with just the caveat mentioned above).
• 
  David Cullen

  Sherrie's work has been priceless in my dealing with my abusive toxic family. This book exemplifies a continuence of this with the exception of Chapter 10 "What About God?". I'm not Christian anymore, in fact mindfulness and Buddhist philosophy has help my recovery immensely, however I have many good friends who are Christians and we all respect each other's spiritual paths. That said Chapter 10 ignores the plethora of Bible scriptures that outright condones child abuse and the treating of women as second class citizens which in the spirit of this book's purpose seems horrifyingly contradictory. Additionally, the king and slave scripture/story example may generically or technically be an example of compassion but I'm sorry slavery shouldn't be condoned whatsoever or utilized two thousand years later in a psychology non-fiction book taking a stance against the abuse and ill treatment of others. If anyone like me was abused as a child under the guise of Christianity please skip Chapter 10. Otherwise this book offers exceedingly helpful strategies and support for those of us dealing with abusive toxic families.
• 
  Adel Fulcher

  Forced myself to finish it
  
  The book is largely about the authors personal experiences and issues with her own family. I was expecting something more substantial and objective and instead I was left wondering whether She half hopes one of the members of her family reads this.
  I wasn't expecting the biblical quotes and numerous mentions of god and jesus. I don't have any issue with Christianity, but it does marginalise the audience, and it certainly rendered some chapters even more of a chore for me to read.
  Much, much less use of the word "toxic" would have made it a slightly easier read.
• 
  Crissy Vira

  I really needed this book about a year and a half ago when I was working through the estrangement with my immediate family. I cannot speak highly enough of the way that Sherrie articulates the pain and struggle that estranged adult children have, and can have. The feelings of guilt, remorse, and even backtracking on boundaries and respect we have for ourselves. I recommend it for anyone who wants to feel seen, or not alone, when in toxic family situations and upbringings.
• 
  Katie

  some good advice but this author is not as over her family as she claims to be
• 
  Daniel Rosehill

  I've been looking, for some time, for a book that's designed for us at the LAN (vs. RBN) stage of recovery (that is, in subreddit terms. If you're not on Reddit: those who have emerged from the fog of narcissistic abuse and are now looking for ways to construct new healthier lives and to move past it).
  
  Ie, we're well aware of classic narcissistic dynamics and don't need explanations about things like gaslighting or hoovering. We've emerged from the fog of self-gaslighting and know that what's happening to us isn't acceptable. And we've moved on in the form of VLC, LC, or NC.
  
  What we're now looking for is some guidance on how to do the difficult job of building our lives, going forward, without the typical support structure that comes with having a functional family.
  
  I plugged a few search terms into Amazon and 'But It's Your Family' jumped out to me as the thing I was looking for -- mostly because the title connected instantly as it's a classic enabler line. In a rush, I picked it up both as as paperback (for physically highlighting and to loan to friends) and for my Kindle.
  
  Pros
  
  This book does a good job at spelling out the various toxic dynamics that can exist within families. There are separate chapters on toxic mothers, toxic fathers, and toxic siblings and grandparents. What irked me a little - the cover of the book is pink! In general, as the male victim of narc abuse, I find it a little irritating that so much of the community seems to think that narcissistic abuse only happens to women -- or that female narcissists aren't capable of choosing male victims.
  
  There's a lot of detail here about the various ways in which narcs operate and much anecdote from the author's personal experiences with her own dysfunctional family (I'll return to this later).
  
  Cons
  
  Firstly, I bought this book expecting it to be about the process of going and maintaining no contact and then building up a new life afterwards. I mean ... isn't that a fair deduction to make from the title? Hence, while it's always refreshing to know "hey, other people had this experience" the first 70% of the book was stuff I already knew.
  
  Unfortunately, no contact and the thereafter is really reserved for the end of the book. Perhaps the closing quarter (at most). For this reason, there wasn't anything near the level of focus or detail I was hoping about navigating this process.
  
  My second gripe - and one that I think was shared by many reviewers on Amazon - the author seems to have written this book for two reasons: firstly to vent or get back at her own abuse and abusers. And secondly to help and educate others. Unfortunately , while we can all identify with it, the venting adds nothing to the information being conveyed. The longer it went on, the more irritated I became by it.
  
  Finally — there's a chapter here about G-d. Given the way I spell that word, those who know about this convention may be able to deduce that I am Jewish. Unfortunately the chapter was framed solely through a Christian perspective. Again, I think that narcissistic recovery has to be a totally open group. If we're going to bring concepts of religion and spirituality into this topic, there needs to be viewpoints offering the Muslim perspective, the Jewish one, the atheist one, and the Hindu one (etc etc). It actually wouldn't have been that hard to work all of these into one far more inclusive chapter.
  
  Summary
  
  Some good info conveyed here but with some obvious flaws. I'm going to continue my search for more suitable and helpful reading material that may be of assistance during this very painful process of getting past NC and establishing a new life.