Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy and Find Personal Happiness by Lindsay C. Gibson

Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy and Find Personal Happiness Reviews

• 
  PJ

  I wholeheartedly recommend this book, particularly to those whose childhoods included induced guilt or shame.
  
  I found so much useful information in this book. The author is wonderfully matter-of-fact yet kind: "Here's what's going on, here's what you may have had to deal with, here's many of the ways you might feel, there's no shame in feeling any of these things, and here's some compassionate support and strategies for moving forward."
  
  The book deals both with emotionally immature (EI) parents and people. Growing up in an EI household can leave a person more susceptible to EI people and emotional coercion. Emotional immaturity is a flexible and more empathetic framework for understanding and dealing with a wide variety of dysfunctional caregivers, neglect, and abuse.
  
  So many of my interactions with EI people and parents leave me feeling resentful, and I struggle to put my finger on what exactly happened, often blaming myself for being weak or angry. The book has given me more clarity, explaining what emotional maturity looks like and how many of us feel around it, versus emotional immaturity and how we might feel. When someone gets really upset when I don't do what they want, it's pretty understandable for me to feel fear and guilt. Who wants to see their boss or parent fall apart? That's painful and scary! Emotionally mature people may be disappointed when I say no, but they can keep their world together. Their stability doesn't depend on me. They respect my existence and needs as separate and equal.
  
  The author gives lots of great examples, even examples of specific wording to use. That part is especially helpful to me, because I had no idea how to disagree amiably: "it sounds like we have different viewpoints, and that's OK." Or "you may be right but I'd like to do it this way this time."
  
  Some takeaways for my own notes:
  If I feel resentment or shame, that's a great sign to look for emotional coercion.
  
  Shame is a feeling / emotion (thus it eventually passes), not a definition / statement of my worth.
  
  Emotional coercion is not always intentional - it can be a subconscious survival technique by emotionally immature people.
  
  EI people aren't necessarily capable of much emotional intimacy. In this vein, to discuss a problem, keep it short. Choose one issue or interaction, ask for 5 minutes of their time (time limit is important so EI person is less likely to run away or dissociate, etc), then state the issue and the request. Then ask their input. Then end. Stick to one thing at a time.
  
  Focus on your desired outcome for one interaction at a time. (Rather than the entire relationship)
  
  Allow yourself to grieve the type of relationship you may be craving but probably can't have with this person.
  
  Value and defend my inner world, like I would for a child.
  
  If I can't trust myself to protect my self, how will I ever feel safe around people?
  
  Clearing mental clutter (shame and anxiety are often internalized messages from others)
  
  We may have developed some emotionally immature traits in response to our own childhood but we can self reflect and grow.
• 
  Morgan Blackledge

  This is a supplemental guide that supports author Lindsay C. Gibson’s other book Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents.
  
  That being said, this book totally stands alone on it’s own merits. So go ahead and start here if you’re so inclined.
  
  I’m like a Lindsay C. Gibson fan boy. I’m amazed by her empathy, breath of knowledge, originality and skillful presentation.
  
  It’s real live practical magic.
  
  Her books are LOADED with wisdom, insight and actually extremely useful and spot on advice on how to manage difficult relationships with emotionally immature people.
  
  Gibson goes to great length to define and describe what she means by ‘emotionally immature’ people.
  
  In a nutshell, it’s anyone in your life who is draining, self absorbed, emotionally coercive, and who discounts the importance of your inner experience.
  
  This can happen either overtly via insults and arguments, or covertly by consistently making themselves the topic of conversation, or via subtle little jabs and slights etc.
  
  YUCK!
  
  These types of relationships can fuck with your head, murder your heart and send your precious soul into joyless foreclosure.
  
  If you’re in one of those.
  
  Get out if you can.
  
  If you can’t.
  
  Better get both of these books ASAP.
  
  CRUCIAL!!!
• 
  Colleen

  Emotional immaturity is a far more useful and less pathologizing framework than a lot of what I've found in the pop emotional abuse literature so far. Not everyone who treats people badly is a psychopath, and I think Gibson does an excellent job explaining what might drive emotionally immature - and sometimes abusive - behavior, without excusing it or minimizing the impacts.
  
  Also, Recovering from EI Parents had by far the most direct, concrete advice and tactics I've seen for coping with and protecting yourself from difficult people. I didn't directly identify with all of the experiences when it came to my own parents, but I could easily see bits and pieces in different relationships in my life, and this book gave me real tools for standing up for myself and shifting some old mindsets.
• 
  Jodie

  While the first half of the book was great in providing understanding as to why your parent may be the way they are, I felt the second half of the book was lacking. An assumption is made that the child wants to maintain a relationship with the parent. It felt like all the work is still being put on the child but with coping mechanisms. I had been hoping for more on direction to distance yourself from an EI parent, while maintaining a relationship with other family members. This was not the book for that.
• 
  Katherine

  Interesting learnings and reflections. The only caveat is Authors lack of consideration for cultural differences. What she describes as emotionally immature parenting is considered normal and status quo in Asian culture. I struggle with this since what she described as “immature” has been the norm all my life as well as the lives of friends and family with similar cultural upbringings. Not saying she’s wrong but seems a pretty big statement and huge oversight. Nevertheless this is an interesting perspective and something to learn from.
• 
  Kate ( Earth Heart's Pages )

  5/5 This book made me stare blankly at a wall, bending over with a long exhale out of pure RELIEF that my feelings are valid, that my experiences were real and that my stupid behaviour sometimes has actually a reason behind it.
  
  I cannot stress enough how important it is for EVERYBODY and I mean EVERYBODY to read it. Emotional immaturity is probably the worst sickness in our society. If you are looking to heal yourself and not screw up your children like your parents did you, this book is for you.
  
  Seriously this book brought up and described thought patterns inside my head to such a detailed degree it was scary.
  
  If you have ever joked about having parent issues or family problems or why you always seem to choose the wrong partner. THIS THIIIIIS
  
  I already know this will be on the list of book that had a major influence on my life. READ IT PLEASE
• 
  Sugarpuss O'Shea

  While Dr Gibson's 1st book,
  Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, put into words & defined what Emotionally Immature parents are, this book answered the question I had after reading that 1st book: But what do I DO / How do you deal with EI Parents without losing a piece of your soul? This book helps answer that question.
  
  My 1 quibble: This book is mainly geared towards those folks who want to have an active relationship w/ their EI Parents. I am not one of those people. I was hoping to get tools/tips for having a more passive relationship w/ them. Nonetheless, there is a TON of info here, and the Bill of Rights in the Epilogue is with its weight in gold.
• 
  Megha Bhargava

  “As an adult, you might be better off investing in a deeper relationship with yourself, while lowering your expectations for the kind of relationships you can have with others.”
  
  Disclaimer: People have different takeaways from self help books, or books that delve deeper into the subject of mental health. It is a personal journey that adapts to your style and not the other way around. It can be triggering and stir up unwanted emotions in you. Do not believe everything that is written or told to you blindly. Everyone has different experiences even when confronted with the exact same situations. Thus, see what works for you. It is your journey, own it.
  
  The sequel to Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson is as coherent and enlightening as the first book. Recovering from EIPs as an adult is a lot of work. It is difficult to try and let go of decades of conditioning; falling into the same patterns with a sense of absolute disconnection with self. This book, much like its prequel, is a lot about what you try and process and unpack in weeks/months/years of therapy. Recovering from EIPs is a guide on how you can practically apply the techniques and skills you learn in your therapy sessions via Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Dialectic Behavioural Therapy. While it takes a whole lot of time [and money] in breaking free from the shackles of the past, books like these can provide one a fairly reasonable understanding of self. Developing a sense of self is also necessary for the self-awareness and self-reflection that allow us to observe ourselves and how our behaviour affects other people.
  
  It is tough to accept that at times, even with little fault of yours, it is you who would have to change your perspective or behaviour. It is you who have to respond in a different manner for things to be a bit more bearable and perhaps even favourable. In emotionally heightened situations, people can’t self-reflect and therefore have no way to grow. Instead, they are limited to blaming others and expecting others to change first. It is only natural to think this way. But this pattern of thought over a continued period of time leads to self disconnection and that is undesirable.
  
  Recovering from EIPs asks tough questions in the form of exercises. It can be difficult to get through this book because being uncomfortable and facing repressed emotions is not our strong suit. It can leave you stunned, provoked, vulnerable and more often- in a state of introspection. You embark on a journey when you read this book, if you know what exactly you're looking for. We seldom realise that a lot of how we react and respond to situations comes from our parents. It happens often that we open our mouths and our parents' words come out. If it is positive, that's good but if it is not, that can really screw you up. Change is easier when you really feel the magnitude of what your old distorted self-concept has cost you. That’s when your pain can be used for good.
  
  It is far from easy, the journey of self reflection, of personal growth. A necessary one nonetheless. It took me a long while to learn how to feel valuable and good inside, to be comfortable in my own company and not depend on others for validation. It surely feels good to feel safe when you're by yourself. There's a long way to go and both the books by Lindsay C. Gibson will be incremental for anyone who wishes to understand themselves better. I will surely be going back to these two again, for there's a lot to process and one reading does not cut it.
• 
  Sam

  Whoa. This explains a lot. Also, this book is plain helpful for dealing with anyone who has emotionally immature people in your life.
  
  Some call these(emotionally coercive acts) manipulation, but it’s more like survival instincts on their part, doing whatever makes them feel in control in the moment, regardless of you. They stick to comfortable conversation topics for them, etc.
  
  They define reality based on how it feels to them. This is called affective realism. We all do this. When we feel good, things look good. But EI’s take this to an extreme. The way it feels is the way it is.
  
  You can decline to accept their criticism, and distinguish what they are saying to what is actually true about yourself. You get to define yourself, not them. Don’t fall prey to EI takeovers. This self-protective emotional disconnection makes it easier for the EI distortions to take over our mind and heart.
  
  Smile and take it lightly. Keep repeating your plans. Don’t take on guilt. “You’re right Mom it will be different this year. I know you want us there, but this year won’t work out for us.” Repeat yourself. Stick to your guns. Say the same thing pleasantly, many times as necessary. You can’t stop them, but you can stop rewarding them.
  
  Sometimes not responding is the best response. Disregarding unwanted behavior is an effective way of decreasing its frequency.
  
  Suggest other ways to connect.
  
  I hear the mocking subtext, but you’ll have to spell it out. I’m not going to read between the lines. When exposed, EI’s will downplay by claiming it was a joke. Okay, I’ll think about that. Clarify their behavior, don’t emotionally react.
  
  Uncomfortable moments are a good sign that old patterns have been interrupted.
  
  Sometimes the best way to motivate a change is to deliberately amplifying how painful the old way is.
  
• 
  Shontal Cargill

  Highly recommend for anyone who identifies with the title. Very practical advice and empowering language. Will definitely read again from time to time as a refresher.
• 
  Marianne

  3.5 stars
  This contains a lot of the same material as the author's previous book, reworked from a different perspective. New material was mostly useful but occasionally outright irritating. Overall a good and helpful book but if you haven't read the first book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I would recommend starting there instead.
• 
  Sana Khan

  Ooooof
• 
  Katie

  While “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” (Gibson’s first book) goes into introducing the concept and the types of parents that are likely to be EI and validating the mental and emotional experience of what it was like for the adult child to grow up with the EI parents, this sequel goes into greater depth about the relationship dynamics that make having a mature healthy relationship (at the very least, for yourself) with EI parents challenging.
  
  I like how Gibson does a fine balancing act of giving suggestions on one can strengthen one’s self-concept and feeling more comfortable with developing internal boundaries (ie, you’re allowed to have private thoughts and opinions in your mind not privy to your EI parents) while at the same time offering helpful strategies to disarm potential conflict and promote having a more authentic interaction when in the parent’s presence.
  
  Gibson discusses the drama triangle and how to not get sucked into it. She also encourages focusing on how to respond to each interaction with the EI parent as it occurs rather than try to conquer the challenges of the relationship itself.
  
  This book is a must for any adult child of EI parents feeling angry, frustrated, or stuck on how to have a relationship with little to no expectations that the EI parent will change but still wanting that (limited) attachment in your life.
• 
  Jennifer

  "Recovering From Emotionally Immature Parents" offers practical advice for anyone in a relationship with an emotionally immature person. It's an important book for children, parents, friends, co-workers, spouses, and neighbors. In fact, I learned numerous tips that have helped me develop better boundaries with others in my life, and I am adapting tips that will help me build stronger relationships with the people in my life.
  I also saw myself in many of the descriptions of emotionally immature parents and now have a few tools that can help me change and do better. For anyone who's interested in emotional health and wants to become a better person, please read this valuable resource and utilize the advice.
• 
  Zinny

  This book was really useful to put my relationship with my parents (both EI. one volatile/one passive) in perspective and offered good tips for my own development and interactions with them. Unlike most psychology books, the author doesn’t add a lot of fluff so it is direct and practical.
• 
  Amanda

  Literary Life Reading Challenge: An Obscure Book
  
  I didn't realize going into this book that it was a sequel, but it stood pretty well on its own. I did learn quite a bit but it wasn't very polished and some of the exercises were a little too vague for me. Still, I don't regret reading it.
• 
  Sara

  Must-read. Great follow-up to her first book that delves deeper into the topic. I personally found this book more helpful than the first though I highly recommend both.
• 
  Margarita Pronina

  Чи будуть колись вільними діти емоційно незрілих батьків? Я не певна.
  Але ця книга, розібрана мною на цитати, дає шанс випустити напругу і побачити себе зі сторони. Відчути всю ту НЕпідтримку, яка крок за кроком робила своє: вганяла в стрес, робила досягнення нестерпно дорогими, а життя - напів реалізованим.
  У книзі є моменти, які вперше сказали мені правду. Добре й те, що тут багато позитивних рішень - як вийти з аб’юзивних стосунків, та й просто - почати жити своє НЕзмарноване на нав‘язані емоції життя з тої точки, де ви є. Без постійного спротиву, злості, образ.
  Сподобався глибокий опис «емоційно незрілих», о, повірте, їх багато у вас, я знайшла всіх, я їм прощаю та, за нагоди, розкажу їм хто вони і що роблять. Якщо раптом пізнаєте себе, пропрацюйте свої soft skills, щоб обірвати тяглість сімейної традиції бути toxic🤪
  
  ❗️ Багато дорослих дітей звикли захищати нарцисизм членів сім’ї та почуваються некомфортно, коли доводиться бути в центрі уваги. Такі люди применшують свій успіх, коли хтось починає про них говорити.
  ❗️ Психологічний злам, який стається, коли байдужа людина бачить ваші страждання і не допомагає, схожий на припинення існування.
  ❗️ Емоційно незрілі люди пропонують неймовірну угоду: якщо ви робитимете те, що вони хочуть, то станете для них усім. Однак в угоді дрібним шрифтом написано: ви хороші рівно настільки, наскільки добре виконали їхнє останнє прохання.
  ❗️ Як сказав один пацієнт, набуття нової самосвідомості було схоже на мить, коли «нарешті вдалося перелізти через стіну». Коли я запитала, що чекало його на тому боці, він відповів: «Земля обітована»
  ❗️ Щоб вижити, вам потрібно знайти себе. Тоді не матиме значення, де ви перебуваєте.
  ❗️ Токсичне почуття провини вказує на те, що вони коріняться в емоційному тиску, якого ми зазнали в дитинстві. Ваш природний розум не прагне ідеальності, не сварить за помилки. Він не боїться сперечатися з владними особистостями, не хоче покори за будь-яку ціну. Тиск, нападки на себе, почуття провини — це психічна спадщина, що залишилась із часів, коли владні емоційно незрілі люди пригнічували вас.
  
  #вільнідітиемоційнонезрілихбатьків
• 
  MindOverMatter

  I thoroughly enjoyed the book. I found it interesting to read about emotional immaturity in general (Gibson presents 4 types of emotional immaturity). It allows the reader to connect the upbringing of others with the irrational ways they sometimes behave (e.g. extreme people pleasing in others, or - a connection Gibson suggests herself: why people can get into cults). Obviously, emotional immaturity in parents can be extremely distressing and damaging for their children (and the emotional immaturity of those persons hints at their own difficult upbringing). And there are a lot of emotionally immature people out there and they are difficult even for people who are not in a family relationship with them.
  
  I agree with another reviewer who writes below that Gibson creates an understanding for both, victim and offender (seeing the offender as a victim too), while focusing on the one who suffers and wants to change. She is creating an understanding for a cycle of behaviour learned as a child and passed on to the own children. This is the first book I read from the author, so I don't know what is written in her first book on the topic. This book, however, is focused on learning to set boundaries and on learning how to self-heal and build more healthy relationships with other people. Amongst others I loved that the author suggests to lower your expectations with your parents or other emotional immature persons in your life and to raise expectations for other relationships. So beautiful and true.
  
  There are many interesting and promising strategies on how to deal with emotional immature persons and their so-called "emotional takeovers" which they use to "dominate" (or to get their needs met). A great companion to books on boundaries. It does not touch on emotional toxic and stressful workplaces, but I can see the proposed strategies being usable at different places.
  
  The last chapter even proposes strategies to improve a difficult relationship to an emotional immature person one encounter a time. Strategies are proposed on how to lead the communication towards positive and effective grounds.
  
  All in all a very educational book, very interesting and fascinating and helpful for boundary setting and understanding emotional immaturity in others as well as understanding and feeling more compassion for certain behaviours in others.
• 
  Kendra Strand

  Insightful, full of practical actionable steps to take for standing up for yourself in difficult one-sided relationships with parents. The thing I most appreciated is how humane it is by not pathologizing or demonizing the emotionally immature party. Instead the focus is on creating a strong loving relationship with yourself in order to disrupt the cycle of emotional manipulation and abuse.
• 
  Ayuko

  I can now identify emotional immaturity in myself and others. My question now is how to gain emotional maturity.
• 
  Kristina

  I am profoundly grateful to Dr. Lindsay Gibson for her work. I have felt misunderstood, judged and shamed my whole life. I lived each day consumed by debilitating thoughts of guilt. This book has freed me by showing me how healthy relationships are supposed to function. My biggest takeaway is that freedom of thought is my right.
  
  It was extremely validating to know that this particular type of dysfunctional behavior is common enough that it has been documented, researched, explained and written into books. I have never felt so understood by a writer. As I read this book, I felt immense compassion for myself as a child and my adult-self began to rise page after page.
  
  Dr. Gibson explains it all in an easy to digest format. It's full of empathy for all parties and she provides the necessary tools to deliver an empowered future for her readers. The author emphasizes a rich inner world is the way forward and I am excited to discover who I am. It’s such a gift.
• 
  Susan Kerr

  Even though it is only March, this is my favorite book for 2021! If I had a time machine and could only take 1 thing back, I would take this book and give it to my 20 year old self. I have underlined, highlighted, and dog eared so many pages! When I was halfway through, I quickly ordered her previously written book about EI parents. Living in a religious community where we are taught to love, honor, and obey our parents, I have felt the weight of guilt and shame for the constant internal battle with my feelings and thoughts about my parents. This book has helped me better understand them, yet learn to honor myself in the relationship. I mourn the lost years of being in an unhealthy relationship, but feel empowered going forward using the information from this book.
• 
  Kelsey

  I needed to let this one settle for a few days after I finished reading before I could write a review. I have always struggled with feeling like the odd one out in a variety of situations. Family, friend circles, co-workers, etc. There were so many times it left me questioning if I was just not a worthwhile person, or what was wrong with me.
  
  After reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” I was definitely gaining a better understanding of all the dynamics and things at play within myself. I felt almost “exposed.” But it left me wondering “okay, so what now?” Then I read this book.
  
  It’s a little unsettling how some examples of conversations were like deja vu for me. I was left thinking “how did you know that?!?” Which was indescribably wonderful. The isolation, questioning, sadness, and a plethora (love that word) of other emotions just… became somehow soft.
  
  This book has validated so much for me, shown be where I still need to focus and improve, highlighted some bad habits I still need to break, but it has also given me space to breathe. To feel one step closer to “normal.”
  
  I cannot recommend this book (and the first one) enough.
• 
  Raluca

  Ca un “produs” al unui parinte lipsit de inteligenta emotionala, am recunoscut 100% obiceiuri si fraze standard. Este incredibil cat de mult ajuta aceasta carte sa nu te mai simti “nebun” si sa intelegi ca NU este vina ta! Generatia parintilor lipsiti de inteligenta emotionala este , sper eu, pe cale de disparitie!
• 
  Emma Jane

  Practicle advice on how to set boundaries with those around us that 'drain' us. I find myself in the centre of people's lives who are emotionally unstable and need someone to depend on. I don't consider this a bad thing, however I recognise that for me it is a mixture of myself being drawn to these people in the hopes of helping them become better and less insecure, and those people being drawn to me as someone who can provide unconditional love. The downside to this is that I am often drained from spending time with particular people, and find myself wanting to avoid or resenting spending time with them.
  
  This book has helped me to realise that it is due to their constant seeking of affirmation that I feel emotionally drained after spending time with them, and that having boundaries and a different way of communication with them is needed to protect us both and keep us in a healthy relationship.
  
  
• 
  Devin

  This book is a continuation of the author’s previous book, which I really enjoyed, and this one is also very useful. If the title resonates with you, you will likely get a lot out of this valuable resource.
  
  Specifically, her advice to face shame like a feeling and to dig down under it to my deepest held beliefs about myself has been life changing.
  
  I also really benefited from her clear description of the drama triangle. Now I can see what is going on and refuse to be swept up into my assigned roles, helping me to defuse dramatic situations.