No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Childs Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel

No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Childs Developing Mind Reviews

• 
  Jonathan

  This book has a lot of excellent advice about the importance of your relationship with your children, and how you can "discipline" them in a way that preserves that relationship.
  
  I use quotes around "discipline" because the authors begin the book by launching into a sort of questioning of what we even mean by "discipline". They wind up redefining the word to mean something a little different from what you might expect (i.e. "to teach" rather than "to guide by consequences" as many parents have come to understand it), and then proceeding to offer advice based on this new definition rather than the one with which you're familiar.
  
  All of the advice seems really great--it's loving, centered, and respectful of both parents and kids.
  
  But it feels like there's a huge missing piece: while the authors repeatedly speak about "boundaries" and "limits", they also preach firmly against "consequences" or "punishment". It's easy to see where they're coming from: handing out these painful forms of discipline is rough on the relationship and can engage anger rather than creating an actual teachable moment. On the other hand, the form of discipline they advocate is almost completely toothless. Every time your child misbehaves you're supposed to set aside time to "connect" with them and "redirect" later to discuss the behavior. One wonders if children will really feel there's a limit or boundary if nothing other than an acknowledgement that they've crossed it is forthcoming from Mom and Dad.
  
  In the book, almost every one of the example "interactions" end up with the child tearfully confessing their crimes, explaining their inner motivations, and working collaboratively with their parents on a solution. I don't know about your kids, but mine look me right in the eyes and tell me that they're just going to misbehave again!
  
  Despite the many references to brain physiology, there is little to recommend this book scientifically. The advice is based on anecdotes, not research, and on a vastly simplified and dichotomous view of the brain.
  
  I also felt like this book was of tremendously inflated size. Many paragraphs end with a variation on the following sentence: "And, by doing this, you'll not only help your kids cooperate in the short-term, but help their growing brains, giving them skills to last a lifetime!" After reading that sentence for the twentieth time, you may wish the authors had followed their *own advice* and used fewer words to greater effect.
  
  All that aside, there's a lot to like about this book. The authors freely confess their own parenting shortfalls, acknowledge there's no silver bullet, and much of the advice really is helpful. If you've never read a book about how to calm tantrums or deal with misbehavior in the most loving way possible, this is a great place to start. Just don't expect solutions to all of your misbehavior problems--as the authors themselves acknowledge, their own methods are no panacea.
• 
  Tracy

  This is worth a read from the library but please don't buy this book! What is said on 250 pages could be summarized in 15 and by making it longer the authors complicate a simple strategy.
  
  In short: connect with your kids and focus discipline on learning rather than consequences.
  
  I will have to try it before I judge the merits of the strategy. Much of the advice runs counter to almost every parental instinct I have. Eg, if your child throws your glasses against the wall, make a joke to lighten the mood and then talk about what to do next time. I think there are definitely great take always but I'm skeptical of how centered the strategy is on avoiding any bad feelings between parent and child. Bad feelings exist in all relationships. Part of being human is learning from them and doing better next time not avoiding them altogether.
• 
  Matt

  Before tackling this book, the reader must understand a secret that is essential to good parenting; there is no 'perfect parent' or 'ideal' approach to tackling the issues of disciplining a child. Drs. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson dispel this myth from the beginning and offer an insightful and highly educational approach to discipline and parenting that is simple, yet effective. With strong parallels from their previous joint publication (The Whole Brain Child), which I have previously reviewed, the authors tackle discipline from a non-punitive perspective seeking the "teachable moment" approach for both parent and child. With a better understanding of the child's brain, the parent can fine-tune their end results to best align with what the child has going on and how the message reception plays an integral role in the final product, hopefully a cessation of the issue at hand. Siegel and Bryson make reference to their previous work and the different parts of the brain, as well as how disciplining from the lower, more reptilian, brain can lead to gross exaggeration and emotional messes that could take years to rectify. By talking and redirecting over punishing and lecturing, the authors propose that a child and their brain will become no only more receptive to addressing issues, but also more capable of digesting behaviours in need of change. While some sections may leave even the more tapped-in parent wondering where the parental power may have gone in this approach, Siegel and Bryson assure the reader that all is not lost, even if the magic wand is no longer in play. Well-written with honest examples and keys to success, Siegel and Bryson offer up a wonderful guide to address discipline issues from an emotionally calm and drama-free approach, leaving time for the parent and child to tune into an episode or two of DAYS OF OUR LIVES and see how well adjusted they are, compared to some families.
  
  This is the second 'parental discipline' book that I have read in the past few months. With a child in his Torrential Threes, I sought out some helpful advice to tackle issues of defiance, acting out, and even outright ignoring. While the book has some sound approaches to it, it contradicts some of the previous literature that I have read by another well-known and respected parenting expert. Such is the peril that any parent (or reader) will encounter when reaching out for assistance. I was pleased to see Siegel and Bryson speak of not "running one's life based on the manual of one expert or another while ignoring parental instinct", for that is what I feared I would do. Children are as unique as ice cream flavours, and the parent knows their child better than any academic or psychologist. At times, it takes a nudge in the right direction to tune into those frequencies the child emits, but we cannot discount our own intuition in finding an effective way to parent and discipline the child. I especially enjoyed the 'discipline is not all about punishment' approach, for I never saw the difference. Boiling discipline down to being a set of teachable moments, the parent can reins in behaviours and teach from a 'how well is this working?' angle, rather than a 'punish the behaviour out of you' approach. If I took one thing away from this book, it is that. Our children are the future and if we can get in better touch with their feelings and development (mentally, physically, and emotionally), we are well on the way to raising happier, healthier, and more well-adjusted children. Then we can see those life lessons flourish when grandchildren come along. That said, don't spill your secrets too readily; you had to learn them the hard way too!
  
  Kudos, Drs. Siegel and Bryson for this wonderfully organised book. I enjoyed its content as well as the strong ties to your previous work, which serves me well on a daily basis.
  
  Like/hate the review? An ever-growing collection of others appears at:
  
  http://pecheyponderings.wordpress.com/
  
• 
  Courtney Judd

  This book is excellent! I've been getting angry and unkind all too frequently with my two-year-old. "Time out" stopped working, reasoning is challenging, and although spanking was a last resort for me, it's ineffective. I needed other "resorts" so I turned to this book. I find "HALT" and "1,2,3" the most effective strategies. "HALT" stands for "hungry," "angry," lonely," and "tired." Those are the most common reasons why children act out. The idea behind "HALT" is that you pause before responding to misbehavior and try to identify the source of the misbehavior in order to teach more effectively. "1,2,3" is a step-by-step approach to disciplining children calmly. 1. Why did my child act out this way? 2. What do I want to teach? and 3. How am I going to teach that principle. The idea that impacted me most in this book was that you can't teach a child to stop a behavior while the child is upset and out of control. The book instructs that before you address misbehavior you need to calm the child down, so the child will listen to what you are trying to teach. It also mentions how parents "over-talk" when they are disciplining, so children tune out what they are saying. I could go on....but I've already gone on too long. After a week of trying strategies learned, I will report that I am way less angry and more calm. It's exhausting making the effort to no-drama discipline, but the tantrums have seemed to end sooner. The book also promises that the more you no-drama discipline, the less you'll have to discipline because you are teaching your children skills to make better decisions, so fingers-crossed that's the case. I highly recommend it.
• 
  Kara

  You can kind of skip the book and read the “Connect and Redirect Refrigerator Sheet” in the Resources section without missing much content. I’d prefer the anecdotes be replaced with research and sources.
• 
  sologdin

  Much of my commentary on
  Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids applies to this text with full force and effect, especially how the text lays down a detailed rule in Agamben's sense.
  
  I appreciate this text's focus on neuroplasticity, on the one hand, and note that the refrain that one must redirect one's kid away from tantrums and other disfavored conduct is really a misdirection, a leading the kid away from the kid's sincere grievance, and is therefore consistent with Sun Tzu's gnomic that 'all warfare is based on deception,' on the other. It certainly identifies "moments of conflict" as both among the "most difficult" and "most important" "in any relationship" (81-82)--which is schwerpunkt doctrine, though perhaps not how Clausewitz conceived it.
  
  I think someone needs to write a pomo-marxist parenting book because the bourgeois platitudes grow wearisome after a while.
• 
  Eat.Sleep.Lift.Read.

  
  There is no silver bullet to parenting and the authours rightly confess this in the book.
  
  There is a lot of useful advice here and much to like and enjoy in this book. But like any 'parenting' book, it seems to have been written in the land of parenting utopia where every 'explosive situation' is scalable and every child, given time, can see the errors of their ways. If your household is anything like mine, we don't have this luxury.
  
  That being said the 'message' of this book is simple, and on the whole, a commendable one. Connect with your kids, keep calm and try and avoid any nuclear episodes.
  
  I'm all for 'modern' parenting. Teaching through example, being tender and the rest of the mantra that goes into this book but I can also see the merit of taking the hard-line when needed. Parenting, like anything thing in life, is very situational. No one knows your kids better than you (hopefully), and knowing this should give one enough confidence to dealing with discipline situations appropriately.
  
  Much can be taken from this book and put into practice, just don't expect that far off land of calm and obedient little munchkins to be destination numero uno.
• 
  BLynne

  I read this book mainly due to the work I do and found it helpful. I have recommend this book to a few parents. I was happy to see you that the actual or correct meaning of discipline being used and focused on. Granted this will not work for everyone and all situations but it's a step in a good direction.
• 
  Laura

  This is a fantastic book; I would really like to adopt Siegel and Bryson's very well-informed and well-tested discipline philosophy. Their philosophy does seem to require more thought, creativity, and engagement with your child than the average parenting style. I think that my husband will be great at this, but I'm worried for myself about doing a good job with the creativity part.
  
  The philosophy in a nutshell is that you first connect with your child--meaning that you have a discussion or a few words to help calm your child (and yourself) to bring them to a less reactive state so that you can teach them better when you get to the correction step. (these are the only two steps)
  
  In correction, aka redirection, aka discipling (not a typo--they do talk about the relationship between discipleship and discipline even though it's not a religious book), you first think about what you want to teach your child, which may not be the same thing even for the same infraction from one time to another. One goal is to help your child develop empathy. Part of this will often involve discussing with your child what they can do to make things right.
  
  Siegel and Bryson advocate being consistent but not rigid and helping your child develop emotional intelligence in the long run. They do talk about how to begin this process with toddlers who can't participate in the process in the same way an older child can.
  
  We thought this book was really excellent. If any of you, my goodreads friends, read this book, I would love to hear your thoughts on the book, especially if you have older children than I do. We intend to read more of Siegel's parenting books in the future.
• 
  Susan Bazzett-Griffith

  I realized about 1/4 of the way into this book that I'd read another book by this author, and that not only was there a lot of the same information in this "new" book, but that what irked me about that book did the same in this one. Siegel and Bryson have interesting ideas, but no one needs to read more than one of their books to know/understand/get them. They believe in making sure discipline is about teaching versus punishment and that connection with your child is always the important first step in discipline. They back up their beliefs with research dealing with neurophysiology and the developing brain. They also use ENTIRELY too many hypothetical situations and analogies, some of which they clearly made up to help bring others around to their way of thinking rather than to illustrate a germane thought. It isn't a bad book, or a bad approach. I don't disagree with much of what they say in the book, but I take issue with reusing the same basic information in multiple books (I've only read one other, but they reference additional works, which they ALSO referenced in the other book I did read), and encouraging people to buy and read the other books when they've sufficiently summarized the information in each book on its own. Overall, I was disappointed in this book, but it was partly my own fault that I didn't check the author more closely.
• 
  Cayla

  This book was really not for me. I feel as though if these strategies actually work on a child, that child is pretty much perfect, and a book on discipline is not necessary. The book discussed connecting with a child and understanding why they did something and things like that. I was hoping for more practical discipline tips. This book seems to suggest that if your child hits you because they want your attention, you should stop what you're doing, tell them that you understand they want your attention and waiting is hard, but explain (in few words) that hitting is not nice, and then redirect them by taking them outside. It seems the child then got exactly what they wanted - your attention and something to do. That seems to just encourage hitting. I was hoping for a better solution - like tell them to wait, make a point of finishing your conversation or what you are doing (though secretly wrap it up quickly), and then give the child a time out for hitting. Not sure the solution, but this book definitely didn't offer it.
• 
  Corie

  No-Drama Discipline is one of the best parenting books I have read. Gone are the days of spanking, time-outs and other distancing, damaging methods of discipline. While those ways often escalate the tears, anger, frustration (parents' and kids'), the tools presented in this book are calming, connecting and life-changing. Rather than a parent vs. child stance, No-Drama Discipline ensures that parents and children are on the same team, working together and reaching resolution together, lovingly and respectfully. Cannot recommend enough, to adoptive parents, foster parents, and those parenting their biological children.
• 
  مشاري الإبراهيم

  Should be called:
  
  The sissy approach to child discipline
  
  Or
  
  No-balls discipline
• 
  Gail

  Being a grandparent isn't easy, turns out. Especially if you raised sons but the majority of your grandchildren are girls. It shouldn't make any difference, right? Full disclosure: I'm an ardent feminist who cannot ignore the differences in emotionality I witness in granddaughters. The best word for it? Drama. Big time. And I have zero experience with and little patience for it. Thus, this book found its way into my Kindle.
  
  And I'm glad it did.
  
  Every generation has a new take ...sometimes evolutionary and sometimes revolutionary .. on how to best raise children. Discipline is always a challenge. And while we may subscribe to the "discipline equals teaching" school, figuring out what that means in practice is another thing altogether. I was drawn to this book as much for the subtitle as to the idea of reducing drama. Whole-Brain. What's that? I'm an evidence-based person by profession (a retired nurse practitioner) while also recognizing the limitations of supposed "evidence" alone as the basis for improving human interactions. The field of psychology in particular has had a difficult time attempting to be "scientific" with something as multi-factorial as human behavior. And its history is riddled with things once proven that haven't held up over time (even one study referenced in this book, about children and impulse control). But this relies much more on neuroscience and what we have learned about how the brain works as the foundation for understanding children as they grow and develop. This I can buy into because much of what is referenced here has corollaries in working with adults with neurological diseases/injuries, addictions, and the like.
  
  As I read this, I wished I could go back in time to inform my own child-rearing practices. I missed so many opportunities to help my kids develop the way I intended. I've missed more than a few too with my grandchildren. The idea that a kid's brain is incapable of helping them control emotion and learn better behavior at the same time, is a simple one. But it is also profound. The point made about the propensity to lecture, to overwhelm kids with words, especially when they are utterly incapable of getting past the momentary chaos of their emotions, resonated so much with me. We want kids to develop empathy ...so we tell (yell?) them to "be nice to your sister!". Right. Like that works.
  
  But most of us lack the tools we need to assess the mess our kids are in when they are sucking us into the vortex of their drama, let alone figure out what to do once we figure out what's happening. We get angry and have little insight into our own emotions and triggers. My granddaughter is hitting the buttons my spoiled sister always did? Ah ... yup. And those responses color how we behave, and it often isn't exemplary behavior.
  
  This book walks you through a terrific model for improving your disciplinary style while challenging you to let go of what you think you know about how to correct bad behavior. The biggee? Punishment is not the goal. Suffering consequences is not the outcome. What? Really, you have to read it to get it.
  
  The authors offer lots of examples of situations that are so common, I could instantly recognize them and recall both my feelings at the time and what I did right ..and wrong. They do not beat up on imperfect parents, but offer a more structured way to dig out from under your own chaos to reduce the drama and improve the learning so your child (or grandchild) can become the person you hope they will be. Helping kids gain the ability to self-manage strong emotions (and not deny having them), to put themselves in others' shoes, to collaboratively problem-solve with a parent (and others) when conflict arises. These are life skills and I agree that this should be the ultimate goal of discipline.
  
  I really loved this book. I read an e-copy but think a hard copy would be useful since there are lists and tips in the back that you can put on the fridge (or take a pic of and put into your phone!) so that you can remind yourself how best to approach a break-down. This isn't a book you'll read once and then put on the shelf. It's a guidebook that I can imagine looking to often, especially when you tried to discipline well and it didn't work. They are quite clear that things don't always work as intended. That alone is refreshing.
  
  This book also isn't just for little kids. It can work into adolescence and beyond. In fact, I think it could benefit the husband-wife relationship as well, since so often the topic of disciplining kids is a stressor for marriages.
  
  The authors offer a workbook and I'm going to look at that as well. I think it would be helpful to try to do some scenarios to practice thinking in a new way. I also intend to check out their book "The Whole-Brain Child". Teachers could likely benefit from the work of these authors too; several examples of using this in schools are cited in the book I read.
  
  I will encourage my adult children to read this .. and hopefully, use it. I'm certainly going to re-think my interactions with my grandchildren as a result of reading this. Highly recommend for parents, grandparents, teachers and caregivers who work with children.
• 
  Bruce Hicks

  I can't speak highly enough about this book. It explores the link between a child's neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior. Written in a clear and compassionate style, the authors present a research-based approach to viewing discipline as "teaching" rather than "punishing". It explains how a child's brain is--quite literally--immature, and how parents can help our children through difficult emotional times by connecting with them, helping them to calm down and access their "upper brain" where true learning and growth can occur. It stresses the important of consistency and boundaries, but within a framework of connecting lovingly with a child and helping them to develop their minds and morals in a way that will benefit them their entire life.
  Co-author Tina Payne Bryson has a wonderful 5-minute video on Youtube (search no-drama discipline) that beautifully summarizes the no-drama discipline approach. If you're even a little curious about how to handle the next time your toddler (or teenager) has a melt-down, I would highly recommend it!
  A rare 5-star book for me, and it totally deserves it.
• 
  Maria

  This is the sort of book I think I need to just always be reading. On a loop. Things I took away this time were to connect first, to remember that if there isn’t a connection, any attempts to correct will be futile. Also remembering that just as I have hard days where my attitude is less than ideal, so do my kids. My job is to help them recognize those triggers, figure out how to minimize the negativity and refocus. And the final big takeaway- while it might feel ridiculous to be creative in efforts to redirect, not overexplain and to connect instead of just putting a kid in time out (or something similar), in the end, that’s not how things get better. I’m sure I’ll retain more on my next read through, but this was exactly what I needed right now. Now to find the energy to use what I’ve learned....
• 
  Nancy

  This book reminds me of an updated version of books like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." In fact, this also has talking illustrations/cartoons outlining what to do ("Everyone gets to share the slide")/what not to do ((Let those kids slide or we're going home!"). What I like even better about this is it doesn't imply kids will always react in a reliable and connected way even if parents act and talk "perfectly" in any given situation. Lots of science behind children's brains, and helping kids to be emotionally self-aware. Summary of discipline outlined: connect & redirect. Good read.
• 
  Gold Dust

  I read this book because my own child is disobedient more than not, and my gentle discipline wasn’t too effective in the long term (over 24 hours). I primarily used time-outs. I was hoping to get some good discipline advice from this book, but it provided the opposite. Only follow their advice if you want your child to grow up to be a self-centered spoiled brat who can’t deal with the real world. Their disciplining strategies were even less effective than my own.
  
  24 “And what experience does a time-out give a child? Isolation. Even if you can offer a time-out in a loving manner, do you want your child’s repeated experiences when she makes a mistake to be time by herself, which is often experienced, particularly by young children, as rejection?”
  What’s wrong with isolation and rejection? If a kid can’t behave themselves, they deserve to be rejected. It’s only temporary anyway. Isolation can be healthy in moderation. Time outs don’t last forever.
  
  28 “One proactive strategy that can be effective is to help the child create a ‘calm zone’ with toys, books, or a favorite stuffed animal, which she visits when she needs the time and place to calm down. . . . (This is a good idea for parents, too! Maybe some chocolate, magazines, music, red wine . . .) it’s not about punishment or making a child pay for her mistake.”
  Sounds like rewarding the child to me. I got sent to my room as a punishment, and I thought my parents were stupid for this since I just played with toys by myself in my room and had a great time.
  
  43 mentions pavlov’s dogs who learned to salivate with the dinner bell, but seems to completely ignore/forget that this justifies spankings and time-outs, because the point of punishment is to associate bad behavior with a negative response, thus discouraging bad behavior.
  
  Makes scientific claims like “when we discipline with threats . . . We activate the defensive circuits of our child’s reactive reptilian downstairs brain” (46-47), but there are no citations provided. The authors talk down to the readers with terms like “upstairs and downstairs brains” like they have no capability of digesting the actual terminology of the brain. And I suppose we readers are just supposed to take their word for it about all their scientific claims. Yet they quote Sherlock Holmes who said, “It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts” (111). They put their hypocrisy on display again (113-115) when they tell you to not ask your child why they did something (obtaining data), but just ask *yourself* why and guess about it (theorize).
  
  47 “by demonstrating respect for your child, nurturing him with lots of empathy, and remaining open to collaborative and reflective discussions, you communicate ‘no threat,’ so the reptilian brain can relax its reactivity.”
  So Kid #1 hits parent to get parent’s attention, and the parent responds with “i can see you’re frustrated because you’re not getting your way. I understand how you feel, but i need to finish this thing i’m doing before we play, and it’s not right to hit people even when you’re frustrated.” So the kid got attention by hitting, and nothing negative came from this talk, so what exactly is the motivation for the kid to not hit the parent to get attention again? If there is no threat and no reward, there’s no motivation to change.
  
  54 Kid #2 gets upset because she doesn’t get to ride in the car w/ the parent of her choice. Author’s solution: first, hold the child to get her to calm down. Problem: not all kids like to be held, so this wouldn’t work to calm all kids down. Most kids who are upset cuz they’re not getting their way, and the only way they can calm down is either if they get their way or they’re given or promised some reward.
  “You might promise to get up early tomorrow morning so you’d have time to take her to school. Or you might assure her that you’d ask your boss if you could leave work early this afternoon so you could pick up your daughter and then have some one-on-one special time with her. Or you might offer to tell her a story on speakerphone from your car as her dad drove her to school.” All of those options are inconveniencing the adult for the sake of placating the child. What if the child is upset because her parent is not home all day everyday? What if child never wants to go to school? What if child never wants to brush teeth or hair or get dressed? What if the child insists on only eating candy at every meal? Are you going to cater to the child’s every desire? No, that is not the way life works. In real life, you have to do things you don’t like, and you don’t always get your way. The adult should not be bending over backward just to save the child some unhappiness.
  
  56 “In contrast, a parenting style focussed on control and fear, stressing that a child needs to toe the line all the time, undermines the feeling of safety. If a child lives in constant worry that he might mess up and make his parents unhappy or that he’ll be punished, he won’t feel the freedom to do all the things that grow and strengthen his upstairs brain: considering others’ feelings, exploring alternative actions, understanding himself, and trying to make the best decision in a given situation.” Gee, how did all those spanked kids of generations past manage to grow up into mature, smart, empathetic, well-functioning adults?!
  
  68 Kid #3: Little brother breaks Matthias his older brother’s Lego creation, and father Michael comforts the younger brother. Matthias confesses what he did, and “In response, Michael laughed a little and said, ‘I’d say you did more than that, little man!’ Matthias cracked a small smile.” What does this teach the boy? It teaches that if you’re upset and want people to give you attention and feel sorry for you, just act out. You will be forgiven and get sympathy. And what about the older brother whose Lego creation was destroyed? The father didn’t comfort HIM. The older brother was the VICTIM. Where is the justice? The younger brother gets off without any form of punishment, just praise, comfort, and talking to. Do you think saying to the little 5 year old boy, “How would you feel if someone broke your creation?” Is going to teach him empathy? Here’s what would teach empathy and discipline at the same time: break one of Matthias’ toys in front of his eyes. THEN he would know how it feels. The father comforting him is just rewarding bad behavior.
  
  79 “The instinctive, reactive lower parts of his brain became so active that he lost access to the higher parts of the brain, the ones that help him think him think about consequences and consider others’ feelings.” What consequences? Matthias got angry and jealous, and so he lashed out and got revenge against his brother, and the consequence was Daddy comforting him.
  
  The book is like how to raise a spoiled brat. No wonder we have so many sensitive snowflakes around now who need a safe space and cant handle being triggered and think they’re entitled to free stuff from the government.
  
  89 The book tries to say that they’re not advocating spoiling: “You can’t spoil your children by giving them too much of yourself.” Actually, yes you can.
  The child is “entitled to your love and affection.” Entitled, huh? So a kid could grow up to be a serial killer, but his parents should forgive and love him anyway? Let’s just feel sorry for him because he wasn’t getting his way, and his feelings were hurt, huh? Let’s just give him a great big hug and wipe away his tears. And society shouldn’t punish the killer with prison, because that’s ISOLATION and REJECTION. So damaging to his delicate brain! Let’s just give him a good talking to, with no anger in our face or voice, no finger wagging, no harsh accusations. Just a loving reminder that killing is wrong, and let’s try to do better next time, okay?
  Hey, and let’s just get rid of speeding tickets too. All the cop needs to do is give a friendly reminder that speeding is against the law. Try to remember that. Be on your merry way now!
  And how about in a romantic relationship: woman cheats on her husband because she was feeling lonely. She does this repeatedly. Should husband comfort her and feel sorry for her because she was lonely? Continue to love her unconditionally despite her repeated “mistakes”? Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them permission to continually make bad choices. Love SHOULD be conditional. There SHOULD be consequences for actions, and simply talking to someone empathetically is NOT consequence.
  
  89-90 “We want to let our kids know that they can count on getting their NEEDS met. . . . Connecting when a child is upset or out of control is about meeting that child’s needs, not giving in to what she wants.”
  There is very little that a person actually NEEDS. Kid #1 WANTS attention, kid #2 WANTS to ride in with the parent of her choice, kid #3 WANTS to play with older brother’s toys. Food and shelter are the only needs. Comfort and sympathy are not needs, and they are not deserved when the child just did something wrong.
  
  90 The book says that true spoiling is giving children “the sense that the world and people around them will serve their whims” and “when parents shelter their children from having to struggle at all.”
  But this treatment is exactly what the parents are giving to their kids in the examples this book gives.
  
  90-91 “Having a sense of entitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can affect relationships in the future.”
  This book teaches that kids should be entitled to forgiveness and love no matter what bad things they do. This “discipline” does not teach gratitude. Gratitude teaching would be as follows to the three example kids given above:
  To kid #1: “You should be grateful I’m going to play with you at all after you just hit me.”
  To kid #2: “You should be grateful you have a parent who’s driving you at all instead of making you walk there.”
  To kid #3: “You should be grateful your brother doesn’t break something of yours right now after what you just did!”
  That’s a healthy dose of shame and guilt. Do you think making a child feel these things is too mean? Even the authors think guilt can be healthy. “It is evidence of a healthy conscience! And it can shape future behavior” (141).
  
  92 The authors claim that they aren’t endorsing helicopter parenting “where parents hover over their children’s lives, shielding them from all struggle and sadness.”
  Untrue. The authors said the father of kid #3 made a mistake by waiting 3 seconds before going into his son’s room. “The shouting let him know that he needed to intervene immediately, but he wasn’t quick enough” (66). So the implication is that the father should’ve been hovering over his kids to prevent any conflict from breaking out.
  
  93-94 The author say “you can connect while also setting limits.” “You wouldn’t simply say ‘you seem upset’ to a child as he hurls a Bart Simpson action figure toward a breakable Hello Kitty alarm clock. A More appropriate response would be to say something like, ‘I can see that you’re upset and you’re having a hard time stopping your body. I will help you.’” How is this setting a limit? It’s rewarding bad behavior with comfort. It’s teaching the kid that whenever he’s not getting his way, it’s okay to throw a fit about it, because no consequence will come from it but Mommy’s loving embrace. She will drop whatever she’s doing in the grocery store or restaurant to give me attention and feel sorry for me, and maybe if I give her big puppy dog eyes and pout really cute, she’ll be persuaded to get me what I want . . . If not right away, maybe for Christmas. Because no matter how bad I am throughout the year, I’m entitled to those presents, gosh darnit!
  
  103 The authors say that yelling and dishing out a punishment (even one that isn’t physical) is “ridiculous” and other people witnessing it will think you’re “crazy.”
  
  The book is filled with cartoon illustrations which almost always show angry kids when the parent is disciplining “wrong,” but happy or sad but hopeful kids when the parent is disciplining “right.” What’s more realistic is for the kid to be angry and crying in every picture no matter what the parent does. But the authors probably don’t want to draw the pictures realistically, because then it would bring attention to how ridiculous THEIR advice is.
  
  120 They say that it’s good to get on eye level with your kids, but that it’s even better to get BELOW the eye level. They say other mammals do this to show that they aren’t a threat. But actually animals do that to show that they are yielding and granting dominance to the other animal. So by getting below your child’s eye level, you might as well be bowing before them as if they are royalty and you are a mere slave to serve their every desire.
  
  124 The book literally says this is the kind of message you want to send your kids: “What you’re sharing with me right now is crucial—more important than anything going on around us, even more important than anything I want to say.” And they don’t think this is going to create kids who are spoiled, feel entitled, and think the world revolves around them?! You SHOULD listen to your kids, but that doesn’t mean the kid shouldn’t listen to the parent! Who is the teacher? Who is the adult? Who is smarter and wiser? In most cases, it’s the parent! How can you teach your kids to be better, if all you’re doing is listening to them whine and validating their emotions? The book even says not to talk to your kid when they’re upset, except to repeat what they say to you and make an empathy statement (132), because they think kids are too stupid to learn anything when they’re upset. If that were true, then kids of generations past who were NOT disciplined gently would not have learned any lessons. But kids of generations past DID learn from their upbringing, and it can be argued that the kids of generations past were better behaved and more mature and respectful than kids today.
  
  130 The authors think it’s great for a mother to say to her adult daughter whose bank account was in the negative, “I was sorry for her bad day and did she need a mummy hug?” And then take care of her financial problems and reward her without cause to her favorite restaurant. The parent is apologizing for something that isn’t her fault, talking to her adult daughter like she’s a toddler, not holding her accountable or letting her face the natural consequences of her poor financial choices, and then rewarding her, not because she did something good but just to erase her sadness. This is enabling and spoiling. The authors say they’re against spoiling, and they define spoiling as “giving them too many things, by rescuing them from every challenge, by never allowing them to deal with defeat and disappointment” (135). But they clearly are not really against spoiling.
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  Loren

  I enjoyed the basic ideas in this book, and appreciated the gentle, logical solutions presented. They are helpful ideas. But like SO many other parenting books, the tone is repetitive and a little arrogant - and it doesn't acknowledge that what parents need perhaps more than anything is grace for themselves, grace their children, and a sense of humor.
  
  I wish more parenting authors would just acknowledge that at one time or another, your child will be the hot mess melting down in a very public place. Your child(ren) will pick up bad habits and present discipline challenges that will exasperate you. And none of that makes you a bad parent.
  
  So yes, tell me your oh-so-perfect solutions for molding your child into that well-behaved angel that will make all of your other parent friends gaze upon with wistful sighs. But ... don't pretend that your book is going to solve the gritty, exhausting, frustrating parts of parenthood. It won't.
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  Melissa Colby

  I had already read The Whole Brain Child, which is by the same authors, so I was familiar with a lot of their concepts already, but I would say this is better than the whole brain child because it focuses much more on practical application and it is just that-practical. They take into account that this stuff doesn’t work every time. Many child rearing books don’t really talk about how their approach doesn’t work 100% of the time because we and our children are human, but they explain that well. I’d definitely recommend it. It’s not a Christian parenting guide, but it does have some great principles and practices you can pick up.
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  Lekeshua

  Great book that expands on gentle intentional parenting and recognition that children are people too. Children have the same big feelings that us adults do, so why treat them differently and attempt to mold them into society norms without helping them work on their big feels. The skill of self control should be handled just like fine motors skills, developed and practiced one step at a time. If we adults do all the talking and see discipline as a means of punishment only, we are in a world of hurt.
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  Todd

  All parents should read this. Great reminder of what is important.
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  Fatma Akyürek Aytekin

  Bütün Beyinli Çocuk kitabının yazarından olan Dramsız Disiplin kitabı, bağlantı ve sevgiyle çocukları disipline etmenin yollarını gösterirken, kendimize şefkat göstermemiz gerektiğini de vurguluyor.
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  Chi

  While
  The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive is a very quick read, about integrating both sides of your child's brain, as well as their top (cognitive, higher thinking) and bottom (basic, reactionary) brains, "No-Drama Discipline" is it's more in-depth sibling, with a stronger focus on giving parents and caretakers (e.g., educators) more tools to add to our toolkit on how to address behaviour.
  
  It'll certainly be a book that I'll be referring back to, as a reminder on how to approach my children. I think what I appreciated most was that as a parent and educator, it's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to over-react - but it's important that you reconnect with the child afterwards. Own up to your mistakes, and model how you make amends.
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  Erika RS

  My favorite style of parenting books -- really my style of practical advice oriented books in general -- are those which provide a model, preferably one based in sound principles, and then explore what that model looks like in practice. I can't remember a list of tips and tricks, and tips and tricks only get you so far. A model, on the other hand, gives you the tools you need to adapt to your situation.
  
  No-Drama Discipline does just that. Siegel and Payne Bryson take into account childhood cognitive development and what one can realistically expect out of a brain that's been "hijacked" by an emotional episode to present a discipline model which is both respectful of the child and focuses on long term growth rather than just stopping undesired behavior in the moment.
  
  At the heart of their model is an attitude shift toward discipline. Discipline is about teaching, not punishment. As such, it's most effective when the child is receptive to learning. To get a child into a receptive state, caretakers first need to connect with the child. Some of this is orienting yourself. We tend to build stories about the behavior of others. Those stories can lead us to a response that's not actually appropriate. Instead, we should take a more investigative approach and try to see the situation with fresh eyes. The other half of connecting is helping your child feel felt: comfort them, validate their feelings (not their actions!), and listen.
  
  Once you've connected, redirect. This is not the same as distraction. Rather, it's redirecting the child's attention from how they feel in the moment to the lesson you want them to learn. First, this requires you understanding what lesson you want to teach. Once you know that lesson, your goal is to help the child understand their own feelings and responses, reflect on how their actions impact others, and discuss how they can make things right again.
  
  This process is a lot of work, and no caretaker can always respond in this way. Sometimes, you just need to stop problematic behavior and move on. However, as the authors point out, attempts to stop behavior without taking more time often end up wasting more time in struggles and tears -- the drama that no-drama discipline is hoping to avoid. This approach is most effective as an alternative to those situations. If you're going to spend time on discipline, make that time as effective as possible.
  
  Although it's not really a criticism, the thing that makes this book less applicable for me right now is that while you can practice light versions from a younger age, it really won't start to shine until kids are old enough to have some reasoning skills. That said, I've found that even just working more connection into my interactions with my toddler helps defuse situations more quickly, even if the redirect part of the process sounds more like "because I say so".
• 
  Linda Vituma

  Viena no grāmatām, kas jēdzīgi un praktiski maina vecāku un bērnu attiecības. Ar dažiem vārdiem, dažām idejām.
  *) Disciplīna - kas savā sākotnējā vārda nozīmē (no latīņu valodas) - ir “zināšanas”.
  *) Connect & Redirect - pirms mainīt uzvedību, nonākt kontaktā.
  *) Kā Šerlokam Holmsam vienmēr meklēt atbildi uz jautājumu “Kāpēc?”, nevis dzīvot pieņēmumos, kas sāpina gan pašu, gan bērnu.
  Labvēlīgi un iedrošinoši. Lai saprastu, kāpēc nedaudz arī skumji, domāju izlasīt vēl vienu Sīgela grāmatu “Parenting from inside out”.
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  Christy

  This one gave me a lot to think about. My default parenting style is definitely the consequence-based, one size fits all style mentioned toward the beginning, as an approach that is flawed. I absolutely believed that anything less firm was far too touchy feely to be effective. This book really changed my mind. It’s not perfect- no parenting book is. But I must say: they made a great case for connection-first parenting approaches. I’m definitely going to give these techniques a sincere shot.
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  Benjamin Shurance

  Give me all the gracious neuroscience-inspired humanism. This book was a much-needed, very harsh (yet entirely gracious) kick in the pants for me. Very well done.
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  Jill Udey

  If you have read Whole Brain Child by them, it has a lot of similar content. I was disappointed in that as I thought there would be more new information.