| Title | : | Loving Our Kids on Purpose: Making a Heart-To-Heart Connection |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 0768427398 |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9780768427394 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 192 |
| Publication | : | First published December 1, 2008 |
Loving Our Kids on Purpose: Making a Heart-To-Heart Connection Reviews
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Overall, I appreciated the basic premises of this book. So many great nuggets of truth in here. The book covers respect for our kids, loving them the way the new covenant loves us, eliminating fear and control from the relationship, etc.
The author is, however, a big supporter of Love and Logic and refers to it many times. I do take issue with that style. I appreciate the wonderful ideas of giving your children choices and equipping them with the skills they need to problem solve. I am concerned though with the way that L&L materials, as well as this book, seen to endorse manipulating your children. In this book, the author talks about giving your kids genuine choices where you would be ok with whatever decision they make. In his next example, however, the author talks about hoping (praying, actually) that the kid makes the wrong decision so that you can prove again that you are more wise. He speaks against manipulation, but I find many of his examples to still be manipulating.... Just in a nicer way.
Bottom line....I agree with the majority of what he says as far as the goals and ideals of parenting. I disagree in a good amount of his application. -
read a few bits; it seemed like a way of teaching your kids to view everything, including familial ties, through money. I kept going "what the f***, are you serious??"
Not gonna read more, and you'd do well to skip this.
Author seems to think the best way of teaching kids about "the real world" is to make them into some kind of a capitalist sociopath that views everything as an exchange.
Letting your kids pay you money when you have to wake them up more than once? Or when you pick up their toys? What the frick?!
The only thing you're teaching them is that you only care for them as long as they can pay, and that money is always the most important factor.
Also, extortion is clearly just a _great_ technique for child rearing.
Granted, all those are from two chapters. I won't be reading more, though. -
Chapter 1, The heart of the matter
Basically about the focus of the book which is loving your kids instead of disciplining them. Changing from the paradigm of controlling kids, and making them act like you want them to act, and instead loving them, letting them choose, and helping them with the consequences. My first thought on this thought, was that I hope he explains, and goes into which age groups, and how much choice to give kids. It would be good to consider, exactly at what age, which choices are appropriate.
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 Protecting your Garden
First covers the main, three responsibilities of a parent. 1: take care of managing yourself (this chapter) "protecting your garden". 2: set and enforce healthy limits with your kids by giving them choices and consequences. 3: lead your kids to have high value for their connection with you.
Being a Gatekeeper
Create boundaries, protect yourself. Treat yourself, and your standards with value.
1. Teach our kids that in a healthy, respectful relationship (ex. parent->child, child->friend, child->parent, etc.) the needs of both matter.
2. Tell those around you (ex. parents->family, parents->kids) what is going on, and what I expect, instead of barking commands. Ex. instead of saying "Be quiet!", say, "I will listen to you when your voice is soft like mine". Instead of demanding control of the kid, communicate what you can control, namely yourself. Good example in book of son and mom. Mom arrives home, son, "let's go to the soccer game", Mom, "did you get the vacuuming done", son, on and on about excuses, mom, "we'll go as soon as the vacuuming is done", Mom stood her ground, and eventually the floors were vacuumed.
Fun, or Not Fun? That is the question
Nice, and age specific recommendation: "fun to be with setting" for toddlers, 2-3 year olds. "I hope you can respect what I need in order to be around you - as soon as you start having fits, that is no fun." Most of us can't and shouldn't put up with "not fun" for very long. This makes us un happy, and eventually we become "not fun", and our relationships with others suffer. If your kid starts a familiar 'not fun' activity (yelling, pounding, etc), ask him, "Fun or room?", then "Walk or be carried", let the kid fume in the room, and eventually let the kid decide if they are going to be fun to be around, or be in their room alone. "Fun to be with" is a life long boundary for all of us to keep in our relationships.
Stopped taking notes, but very good book, should probably read it again, so many applicable, and good points to ponder and implement. -
This is not only a great parenting book, it's a great relationship book. Danny Silk sets the goal for us of keeping connection with our children. A strong heart connection can weather many storms. We are not trying to control our children because we realize we can control no one but ourselves (and only ourselves on a good day). We honor our kids by giving them choices. We discipline out of love for the sake of teaching and maintaining a heart connection, instead of disciplining out of fear and a desire for obedience. Lots of personal stories, one that will scare you silly. A must-read for all Christian parents. I recommend his other book, Keep Your Love On, for marriages too.
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There are some good principles in this book. I appreciated the idea that we really need to work hard to love our kids and not simply try to control them. What bothered me is that many of the examples used felt like passive aggressive manipulation. Not love. Of course it is hard to capture the true experience into words on a page. I don't think the mixed messages were deliberate but much of the book just rubbed me the wrong way. It is a shame because I think there is a lot of good ideas in it but I found it ethically confusing.
This book will be a good as an additional tool but wouldn't be my primary tool. -
I'm sure I will read this book at least once again. Awesome way of giving advices and teaching to love kids and not just. It was way beyond my expectations. Thank you Danny Silk for this book.
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I had an awful time reading the first half of the book (reasons at the end of the review), I wanted to give it up a few times, but than I was curious of the method (the practical part) as people have praised its efficacy. And I am glad I stayed around for it, it has been worthwhile, useful, clarifying.
I have found worthwhile the chapter on setting boundaries with our kids regarding our own needs, making them realise their needs are not the only ones existent, that there must be a “give-and-take” on the both sides of a relationship for it to thrive. I tend to be rather a passive and non-confrontational parent that might unintentionally send the false message “your needs matter, mine don’t” and my kids are quite the invaders, so the chapter was particularly helpful. The author has wise advice with regard to grounding our children in reality, placing responsibility in their lap, letting them experience the weight of their freedom, letting them fail in safe-enough ways, taking your child’s mistake with the calming realisation that this is the way they learn, all down to earth advice that I think is really important for them to grow up as rounded, successful adults. The practical part has plenty of good ideas: help them think by guiding them through questions rather than lecturing, make it a priority to protect and build heart-connections, teach children to become respectfully assertive, etc. The part with giving choices was the least new to me, I guess I have come across it in every parenting book/blog. There might have been some new shades of have light here, though, and anyway, it’s good to be reminded of things. Yet, I disagree this approach is suitable at a very young age: I have found in my own experience that there really is such a thing as too many choices for a toddler/preschooler, it can actually make them overwhelmed, confused, less cooperant and uneasy.
The first chapters of the book, though, have been annoying to read, as I disagree there is such a thing as a two-styles-of-parenting-God: the punitive, controlling Old Testament One versus the freeing, empowering, loving, gentle New Testament One. (the author actually says at one point “poor Jesus” with the meaning of tame, harmless… that I cannot swallow). I could come up with plenty of references (not to mention the overall arching story of the whole biblical corpus) contradicting this view of two-style God. Let’s just mention for the OT how God parents David and Abraham, or the heart of God described in Isaiah and for the NT, for the shortness of the argument, let’s just mention Revelation for a clearer picture of Jesus. There was another big bone of contention for me: the concept of obedience. I hate it when it is distorted, marred with contemptuous associations with “compliance”, “external control”, lack of will, spirit and wit, docility… I can tolerate the confusion of the term in a secular person. But there should be no excuse for christians to see this beautiful idea of obedience (held in such high regard throughout the whole Bible, NT included! it is nothing less than an essential requisite for every christian) in such a false, unbiblical light. The obedience of faith has nothing to do with God controlling us by force, or us being less of a person or choice-less. Obedience is at the heart of following Christ, it has been in Christ’s own heart, it requires the whole of us: all our mind, will and heart, all our strength and courage, body and soul. To “obey” without your heart being there (aka to comply) is to not obey at all. And obedience implies choices! Oh, how it does! Ask the one obedient to the end of the weight and many number of the choices through which he persisted. Obedience is the means of knowing Him, trusting Him, of being fully human and truly free (when you actually CAN chose, rather than life happening to you without having the strength to resist anything). Therefore, teaching our children this, is a primordial parental responsibility, a most precious lesson we can give them. I would reference any christian who has doubts about this to the works of George MacDonald, and if that be too tedious, than a simple google search “George MacDonald quotes obedience” could show quite a lot of treasure on the topic.
“Obedience is the grandest thing in the world to begin with. Yes, and we shall end with it too. … all virtues follow from obedience.” GM -
I would give this book 6 stars if I could. My friend told me it was her all-time favorite parenting book and I can see why. I'm not a parent but we have a challenging child with us for 2 weeks. This book gave me insight into a different paradigm in parenting and dealing with people. It totally resonated with my heart. Through beginning to impliment some things I learned, this "difficult " child has been (mostly) a joy this past 1.5 weeks! We have enjoyed each other and made a heart connection. He has done what he needs to do (i.e. - I'm not letting him run me over) yet I've not had to "keep my thumb on him." Truly amazing!
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Similar in thought to Grace-Based Parenting, but with more practical ideas for how to actually put the theories into practice. I particularly liked Silk's emphasis on knowing and connecting to the heart of our children. Also, I wish that I had known some of his techniques when I was in the classroom. I think it would have saved me a lot of frustration and heartache.
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This book is a good summary of the Love and Logic philosophy. I overall agreed with the author on the importance of heart connection and discipline vs punishment, but there were several theological issues making it hard for me to recommend. I would recommend going straight to the source of Love and Logic by Clint and Fay, and Parenting by Paul David Tripp for Gospel centered parenting.
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Great gentle/respectful parenting book from a Christian perspective. Gives more of a broad perspective on the heart behind respectful parenting, and has just a few examples and stories which are mostly geared toward children and teens (not so much babies and toddlers).
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Excellent book on parenting, teaching how to show your kids that they are powerful people who own their decisions. Emphasis is on connection and respect over control and compliance.
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Another non-fiction book? I think 2010 may be a record breaking year in that regard. A friend recommended this book to me and while the writing could be crisper and the examples could be fleshed out, I learned a lot from reading this book and found myself wishing that I'd read it years ago. That said, reading this book with a ten year old daughter who is entering a new phase is great timing. This book encouraged me that we can survive the teen age years if I work hard to stay connected to my daughter's heart.
Danny Silk clearly articulates something that I have believed all along as a parent, but haven't necessarily known how to put into practice: I don't want my children to obey me because they are afraid of me or afraid of the consequences of disobedience. I want them to obey because they see it is the right thing to do. I want them to make the right choice not to avoid punishment but because they have decided for themselves that it is the right choice. I have seen this make all of the difference in my own life and my own faith. When I was trying to obey in order to earn favor with God (or men), I simply felt like a failure, alone and isolated. But when I started forging a heart connection with God, it was not only easier to obey, I wanted to do so. So how can I guide my daughters towards this in their relationships with me and their relationships with God?
While this book is not wonderfully written, the concepts are clearly communicated. If you find yourself wondering how to parent through a situation where you can't look to your own playbook or the way you were raised, this would be a good book to explore. My daughters are 5, 8 and 10 right now and I think I can apply nearly all of Silk's principles to my parenting. I'm not sure I could have if I'd read this four or five years ago because I do think that parenting a toddler requires what I see as a more traditional approach to discipline. Sure, you can start to connect with your toddler's heart, but you do have to start laying the foundation of right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable behavior and I'm not sure a three year old can really explain to you why she's disobeying and how that makes her feel. My daughters, on the other hand, can. They are, in fact, at ideal ages for me to begin to help them understand that when they are unkind, disrespectful or disobedient, they are hurting my heart.
I got so much out of this book that when I return this copy to the library, I'll buy my own. I may even buy the workbook that's available so that I have it on hand when I'm in rough parenting waters. The friend who recommended this book to me is another mom who is considering home schooling one of her children next year. This book affirmed my desire to homeschool my ten year old next year because I think in addition to working on some specific academic goals, I want a year of really working intensively on strengthening our heart connection to each other. Adolescence is a turbulent time, so if I'd like to strengthen the foundation of our relationship as much as possible before the storm hits. This book will help give me the tools to do just that. -
Danny’s explanation and encouragement of having a heart to heart connection with your children is on point. He emphasizes the importance of love being the number one priority and making a connection through love with your children. I also appreciated his perspective on how to teach your children to take ownership of their problems and to make decisions based on their internal compass. I plan to re-read this book when my children are nearing their pre-teen years.
I did not agree with all his discipline tactics, especially for toddlers. I think providing too many choices can be overwhelming and confusing for young children. I think children should be presented with choices, but make them simple and not in excess. I advise readers to use discretion with some of these tactics as I think they are more appropriate for older children rather than the five and under crowd. Further, I think it is important to enforce boundaries with toddlers and you can’t sacrifice important boundaries so your toddlers feel “empowered.” There is plenty of time for them to feel empowered as they become a little more mature. As Janet Lansbury has said, giving a toddler too much power will cause them confusion and make them uncomfortable. For more on this and in my opinion a good approach to toddler discipline, reference Janet Lansbury’s material. I also recommend the book No-Drama Discipline. -
I have mixed feelings about this book.
Lessons I took from it: Give your kids choices, let them own their mistakes, help them think things through by asking questions rather than lecturing.
I liked many of the author's stories, but I suspect some of the dialogue was made up to sound better on paper.
I believe the author parents his children well. I am certainly adding some of his tools to my belt.
I was not a fan of some of his scripts for handling situations (they came across as cheesy to me) but it sounds like they worked for his kids and I just need to create my own authentic ones.
I'm not a huge fan of his writing style. I had to reread some parts to figure out what he was trying to say. I found his stories funny, though.
I am not sure I 100% agree with everything he said but I was also challenged by some points as well.
Even though I wasn't in love with the book, I am glad I read it because I did learn a few techniques that I think will benefit my family. I would like to explore more of Danny's literature. -
I was looking for a book that would help me to articulate my instinctive distaste for using physical violence with children within a Christian culture that is still sadly unclear on this subject, and I found it within these pages.
It is unfortunate that the author would still allow for spanking in some circumstances but I am still rating it five stars because it was such a paradigm shift for me in terms of how I view my role as a parent and how to approach discipline.
At its core, the book raises a challenge to refocus the end-goal for raising our kids, from simply hoping they will turn out to be well-rounded individuals, to actively enabling them to self-discipline in a world that offers endless freedom. The many examples help to see how this might be done by moving from a punishment-based approach to offering choices and consequences depending on age and maturity. I would recommend it to anyone, Christian or not. -
I had difficulty with his parenting technique. Often he let his children deal with the consequences and he got lucky that the consequences enforced the lessonfor instance, you tell your child "don't tip your chair, you might fall off" if they choose to continue to tip their chair and they fall off they learn their lesson. But what if they don't fall off-what's the lesson then? He never really explores what to do if the consequences of the child's choice does not create a lesson.
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The overall message- that of treating children with grace and freedom- is both challenging and inspiring, but many of the examples they give are too American and too confusing to give a clear picture. There are some great thoughts within this book but also a lot of things I disagreed with or struggled to see the grace in.
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Fantastic book! It gave me so many more “tools in my tool belt” with loving and training my kids. I specifically appreciated the perspective of freedom in relationship with our children and the explained differences between punishment and discipline. Plus just the overall heart behind parenting in a way that releases and empowers our kiddos.
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Without a doubt, one of the best books I've ever read. And it is applicable to far more than the parent/child relationship. Plan to re-read within the week and refer back to it often. (plus write a better review....)
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This actually wasn't quite a 4 star...maybe a 3.5.
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Really great info that helps shift perspective and provokes thought about how God parents us. Would like more practical how to chapters.
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I really enjoyed this book and the perspective it offered on how to raise empowered children. It is one of those books that would be worth re-reading when the kids reach the teenage years as well.
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This book deserves three stars for Silk’s discussion of parenting from a paradigm of love rather than fear or anger. This seems obvious, but so much of our knee-jerk reactions as parents come from a place of anger or fear that we’re failing as parents and our children aren’t turning out as we’d hoped. Thus, we try to control them through punishment. Such an approach is not rooted in love, which casts out fear. Silk’s discussion on these points was the most valuable part of the book. Beyond that, this book sometimes felt like reading through someone’s stream of consciousness or meandering thoughts and was difficult to follow. Other parts were off-putting, unrealistic, or just unhelpful.
This has been mentioned by other reviewers, but I also feel the need to speak against the method he uses to illustrate that everyone needs to have control in a situation. In order to make this point, he says that in his parenting seminar he singles out the “sweetest” looking woman in the room, approaches her and asks her how she would feel if he were to get closer to her, pin her down, and choke her. He purposely invades her personal space while describing this assault. Her discomfort is supposed to show that no one likes to feel like they have no control in a situation. This seems to be a huge overkill in making his point and is just inappropriate on so many levels. Considering 1 in 4 women have been assaulted and he doesn’t even know the women he’s approaching in this manner, it’s a horrible, insensitive practice that seems far from the culture of honor and power Silk often loves to talk about creating (but never really fully explains).
Like everything Danny Silk puts out, this book is truly a mixed bag. Some good helpful points, some totally off-base ones. It’s up to the reader to practice discernment and take in the meat while spitting out the bones. -
This is my second book to read by Silk. You can see his heart for people in the way that he writes. Although this book is aimed at parents raising children, I believe that you can take much of the relationship teaching and apply it to almost any level/age of interaction and gain positive results. I see the way previous generations of parenting adopted styles and approaches taught to them, and the outcomes are clear by the way that society chooses to function as a whole (not well). My wife and I decided that we were going to take a Christ-centered approach to raising children. I began picking off pieces of the book a few months ago, and read a few pages during my lunch time. As I began to put into practice the things I was reading I saw my child respond positively and learn to make better choices. Happy to say that we have a two year-old that never had the "terrible twos" and has impeccable manners, is helpful and appreciative. Mind blowing to see the response from providing a positive, loving atmosphere with free-will but also consequences that fit the choice.
Basically if you are a parent learning to be one, or have parents that you want to better understand why they raised you the way they did, this book is for you. -
This book was a good refocusing of the goal of parenting. Danny Silk starts out with reminding parents that the goal of parenting is not compliance, or even obedience, but to teach our kids to live in freedom responsibly.
I did get to apply some of the concepts from this book as I learned them, and they seemed to be helpful in getting me refocused and getting my children to not only obey but also be closer to me in our relationship. And yet, the more I’m thinking about Danny Silk’s concept as it’s laid out in this book, the more I’m realizing I think I’m misunderstanding something. I’m not sure how else to apply what he said, or how to apply it in a way that will transform my family, and yet it seems like that’s what it’s supposed to do, transform. Maybe I just need to think about it more and read the book again.
Overall, this was a really good, and different look on parenting, reminding us that God’s desire is not to control us, but to bring us into freedom in a relationship with Him, which is equally the charge of parents in their rearing of their children.
