How to Be a Friend: An Ancient Guide to True Friendship (Ancient Wisdom for Modern Readers) by Marcus Tullius Cicero

How to Be a Friend: An Ancient Guide to True Friendship (Ancient Wisdom for Modern Readers) Reviews

• 
  Miles Smith

  This is a new and easily available translation of Cicero's *De Amicitia* which I've reviewed elsewhere. I really want to brag about the book format and presentation, which is exquisite. Latin and English text are paired so its easy to quote from, and its worthwhile to compare the two texts. Overall this is simply a marvelous series and Princeton University Press has done everything right.
• 
  Marian

  "Real friendship cannot be the child of poverty and need."
• 
  Chris Marr

  This is one of my my top ten re-reads each year and it reminds me about the importance of friendship and helps recalibrate myself in terms of how I’m keeping I’m touch with friends. There’s so much in this short essay, and one of my favourite quotes that I keep coming back to is “Among friends, always listen to the counsel of your wise companions. True friends should give failthfil advice to each other, not only with frankness but with sternness if necessary. And that advice should be heeded.” Perhaps there’s no better time than the end of 2020 to read about how to choose friends, maintain great friendships, and figure out what true friendship really is.
• 
  Tim Floyd

  Cicero summarizes friendship as nothing more than an “agreement with goodwill and affection between people about all things divine and human.” In his assessment of human companionship he establishes the following qualities of friendship:
  
  *There are different kinds of friendships
  *Only good people can be true friends
  *We should choose our friends with care
  *Friends make you a better person
  *Make new friends, but keep the old
  *Friends are honest with each other
  *The reward of friendship is friendship itself
  *A friend never asks another friend to do something wrong
  *Friendships can change over time
  *Without friends, life is not worth living
  
  Possibly my favorite reflection, and most applicable to my present situation is when Cicero says that we “ought to select friends who are steady, firm, and dependable. The problem is that it is difficult to determine who has the desirable qualities of a friend without trying them out. And the only way to try them out is to be their friend. Thus friendship runs ahead of judgment and removes the possibility of a trial period.”
  
  Cicero speaks of the value of love and respect for oneself as the foundation to any future friendship. Even with self love and respect, the risk of putting yourself out there to be loved is a high price that can often lead to a tremendous love-debit. Cicero says that in friendship, “unless you see an open heart and reveal your own, you’ll have nothing certain or trustworthy. You won’t know the pleasure of truly loving or being loved, since you won’t know what true love is.”
  
  The love and support that comes from true friendship is irreplaceable and essential to a joyful existence.
• 
  Lauren

  I enjoyed How to be Free and was pleasantly surprised that How to be a Friend surpassed its predecessor’s high bar. For all I’ve enjoyed other books in the series, these two represent a high point and are, in an odd way, complementary.
  
  How to be a Friend is a charming meditation on exactly what the title says. In an era when ‘friend’ has come to be used as a casual synonym for any tenuous connection, Cicero’s words are all the more relevant. Again, I’m impressed by how much these thoughts resonant through the millennia, and although I checked out a copy from the library, I plan to buy one to add to my own bookshelf. This is one worth returning to every so often. Highly recommended.
• 
  Peter Bradley

  How to be a Friend by Cicero
  
  About a week after I read this, I was reading an article in the Catholic journal, Communio about the writings of Cardinal Caffaro, who wrote a great deal on family. At one point, the author observes that "He is inspired by St. Augustine, who wrote, "No one can be truly a friend unless he is first a friend of the truth." If you are acquainted with St. Augustine, you will know that St. Augustine was turned toward philosophy by Cicero's now lost "Hortensius." If you've read this book you will know that this summarizes Cicero's "How to be a Friend." [Serveral pages later, the author quotes Cicero's aphorism "familia seminarium societas," basically, "the family is the foundation of society," which is another aphorism that summarizes this book.]
  
  Cicero wrote this book as a kind of dialogue. Cicero assumes the identity of Laelius, whose best friend, Scipio Africanus, has recently passed away. His sons-in-law take the opportunity to ask him about his views on friendship. Laelius then provides his relatives with long monologues on various sub-topics of friendship.
  
  One of Laelius's key points is that friendship involves virtue. True friends are friends of the truth because only those people who have virtue can be friends. The excellence of friendship is in the friendship itself, rather than what a person can use the friendship for. That makes friendship, and the friend, the subject of friendship rather than an object. A friend is another self and, so, is the subject of friendship, like we all make ourselves the subject of our lives rather than its object.
  
  I like the "How To" Philosophy series. They are quick and to the point. The introductions are well written and set up the subsequent material.
• 
  Massimo Pigliucci

  Here goes another fantastic entry in the ongoing Princeton University Press' "Ancient Wisdom for Modern Readers" truly inspired series. This one is a classic by the Roman statesman, public advocate, and philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero. It has been argued that it is the best book ever written on the subject of friendship. It is written as a fictional dialogue set in 129 BCE, before Cicero was born, and featuring Laelius Sapiens and his two sons-in-law, Gaius Fannius, and Quintus Mucius Scaevola. Laelius (who later on Seneca will recommend to his friend Lucilius as a Stoic role model) has just lost his best friend, Scipio Aemilianus (under mysterious circumstances, it may be added), and this provides the occasion for the conversation. Read it and re-read it carefully. It really does contain some of the best advice on how to make and keep true friends, as well as a number of insights into the nature of friendship and human relationships in general. The translator, Philip Freeman, provides readers with a very helpful introduction, which includes ten timeless take-home messages from the book.
• 
  Mia

  "Suppose a god carried you far away to a place where you were granted an abundance of every material good nature could wish for, but denied the possibility of ever seeing a human being. Wouldn’t you have to be hard as iron to endure that sort of life? Wouldn’t you, utterly alone, lose every capacity for joy and pleasure?...If someone were to ascend into the heavens and gaze at the nature of the universe and the beauty of the stars, that very wonder would be bitter for him, which would be the most delightful of all if he had someone to tell. Nature loves nothing that is solitary, but always inclines toward some sort of support. And the sweetest support is a very dear friend."
  
  How To Be A Friend is a remarkable, timeless treatise on the nature and value of friendship written by Marcus Tullius Cicero over 2,000 years ago. It is a heartfelt exploration of the relationships that sustain us and that we can sustain. The message here is of universal value, and I will return to it again and again for inspiration, guidance, and reassurance.
• 
  Maddy

  Another great read in this Princeton University Press series with some very useful and insightful suggestions for How to be a Good Friend in life. Its laid out with Latin on the left and English on the right for those fortunate enough to read Latin. Looking forward to the next in this series.
• 
  Raimondo Lagioia

  This paean-cum-guide to forming and nourishing profound, meaningful friendships remains as timeless as ever. The new translation by Philip Freeman makes it even more accessible to the modern reader with its clear and straightforward style. While most academics burden the book they're introducing with dense, soporific preambles, the one offered by the translator here is a breath of fresh air. It's direct to the point and useful, providing informative context for the work along with a precis of the manifold advice that it provides on the subject.
  
  While I do not think that the welter of unobtrusive footnotes that the translator peppered the text with brings much additional insight to the layperson interested solely in the book's message and not in the historical personages described therein, I'm quite thankful that it obliquely clarified how Laelius's eulogised friend here, Scipio Africanus, is not the military commander who brought the legendary Hannibal to his knees, but his adoptive grandson who is a military luminary in his own right. That would've been quite an embarrassing take to remember this book by!
  
  This is a brief book, more of a long essay, really, so instead of expounding on its ideas I will leave the reader to discover them for himself. I can assure him though that the text is far from stodgy, reading it is not a slog at all, and that the points the author raised are still timely and apt.
  
  I do question his assertion of the absolute necessity of having bosom buddies, as I believe that under fortuitous circumstances, family can take their place. The obligations and mutual affection instilled by constant commerce with one's closest blood relations must of necessity forge bonds stronger than the most formidable steel, and must therefore be more lasting than one's most devoted friendships. I also think that he waxes too hyperbolic on the subject sometimes, seriously deeming it the second-best gift that the immortal gods bestowed upon humanity, next only to wisdom. These are my only objections though, and with his other counsels I remain in deep agreement.
  
  As with most entries in the Ancient Wisdom for Modern Readers series by Princeton University Press, it also contains the original text by the author, in this case the Laelius De Amicitia in the eloquent Latin of Marcus Tullius Cicero.
  
  8/10; 4 stars.
• 
  Jacopo Quercia

  I bought this book for my wife several years ago, and I could not be more grateful. It is a beautiful read, and I even read it aloud to her. A timeless classic on friendship that everyone should read and anyone should appreciate. 5 out of 5 stars. Buy it.
• 
  Anna

  “Therefore, as I have said, let this be ordained as the first law of friendship: Seek from from friends only what is honorable and do for friends only what is just - but don’t wait to be asked. Let your eagerness always be present and hesitation absent. Give your honest advice freely. Among friends, always listen to the counsel of your wise companions. True friends should give faithful advice to each other, not only with frankness but with sternness if necessary. And this advice should be heeded.”
  
  A lovely little book with much sound advice that would be an excellent one to read and discuss with friends or your teenage children.
• 
  Lee

  I feel full of emotions putting this book down, but mostly I feel more surrounded by virtue and friendship than I ever have.
  I’ve struggled this past year with my emotions surrounding friends, the fear of losing the people I hold close or growing apart, my fear they don’t view me in the same frame or hold me at the same level I cherish them. Quarantines have given me endless hours to ponder myself deeper into a hole of awful feelings.
  I picked up a book titled how to be a friend, written by Cicero. I discovered the perfect medecine at the right time, not knowing something needed curing.
  
  5/5 would reccomend to every good person.
• 
  Bassant Amin

  "if someone were to ascend into the heavens and gaze at the nature of the universe and the beauty of the stars, that very wonder would be bitter for him, which would be the most delightful of all if he had someone to tell. Nature loves nothing that is solitary, but always inclines toward some sort of support. And the sweetest support is a very dear friend. "
• 
  Vincent Li

  A beautiful treatise on friendship. Cicero's little essay on friendship is worth reading both for its own sake and as a historically important work. The work was incredibly influential during the medieval ages (as evidenced by the many surviving medieval copies), shaping Western notions of friendship for centuries. Reading the work for myself, I could understand why.
  
  The treatise celebrates friendship, arguing that friendships are formed not solely for tangible benefits but because our friends are mirrors for our souls. Unlike family, friends are companions that we choose. Cicero writes a beautiful metaphor about how if the gods gave you all power over earth and sea, you would still be miserable without someone to share your impressions with (and philosophers Hume and Smith shared a similar thought through their letters to each other). The treatise argues that friendship comes out of virtue and goodness, and as a result a friend would never another friend for favors that would compromise the latter's honor. Friends should be honest and candid with each other, not acting like courtiers simply flattering a friend's ego. In addition to the abstract celebrations of friendship, and its virtues the book is full of practical tips. We should appreciate our old friends but not be close minded to new friends. It's better to take time to know someone because estranged friendships are painful and possibly creates enemies.
  
  My view on translations has changed overtime. At a certain point I would have enjoyed more technical translations, but I've come to appreciate translations that try more capture the spirit of the original. Something is always lost in translation (even if not across languages, across time and cultural contexts) but there's no reason to maximize only literal fidelity. I've enjoyed the "Ancient Guide" series for the colloquial translations of major works, and I've enjoyed in particular this translation of an important and moving work.
• 
  Jolie Higazi

  Quick read. Simplistic and stands the test of time, part of the beauty of this is that it was written thousands of years ago and its simple wisdom still holds true.
  
  I appreciated the clarity presented of how friendship is foundationally based on virtue, which makes so many potential friendship dilemmas so clear cut. Also, great discussion on the dangers of flattery, which is funny to read from so long ago; human nature hasn’t changed much.
  
  Some favorite lines:
  
  “What could be sweeter than to have someone you can dare to talk to about everything as if you were speaking to yourself? How could you enjoy the good times of life if you didn’t have someone who was as happy about your good fortune as you are? And adversity would be a terrible thing to bear unless you had someone that felt its weight even more than you.”
  
  “Never is it in the way.”
  
  “Whoever looks upon a true friend looks in a sense at an image of themself.”
  
  
  “True friendship can’t exist except between good people.”
  
  “Be a good person yourself and then seek someone similar to yourself.”
  
  “A life without friendship is no life at all.”
• 
  Carol

  I really enjoyed reading this "ancient guide to true friendship" a new translation by Philip Freeman of the thoughts of Marcus Tullius Cicero. I was a bit challenged by the names at first, but a few pages in I began to grasp who was who. I have tagged several pages with place markers to keep handy for rereading. It was thoroughly entertaining on the first read and I'm already looking forward to referencing it in the future. In fact I think I'll copy out some quotes from it to make a list of my favorites.
  
  What is really strange to me is some of the end sections could be perfect descriptions of a certain public figure in the USA.
• 
  Anna O.P.

  Finished in one sitting!! Less braingasm than the kind I always get from reading Thomas Aquinas, but Cicero is already superior to flimsy modern thoughts.
• 
  Ryan Watkins

  A great, practical, and readable look at friendship.
• 
  Sarah

  One major point Cicero makes is that true friendship is impossible except between virtuous people. I also appreciated his warning against flatterers.
• 
  Megnbug

  a beautiful and charming read. not only did it stir emotion and love but it provided some very genuine advice and guidance. very heartwarming and exceptionally lovely
• 
  Tan Clare

  1. There are different kinds of friendship
  2. Only good people can be true friends
  3. We should choose our friends with care
  4. Friends make you a better person
  5. Make new friends, but keep the old
  6. Friends are honest with each other
  7. The reward of friendship is friendship itself
  8. A friend never asks another friend to do something wrong
  9. Friendships can change over time
  10. Without friends, life is not worth living
  
  Ok, bullet powerpoint style summary of the takeways aside, what is touching is how the prose plays out like having a heart to heart chat with a buddy who you know always has your best interests in mind, espousing the points above. Do treat yourself to befriending the author, it won't take more than one sitting.
• 
  Lily

  My main takeaway is that friendship, which is virtuous, is only possible between virtuous people. In a friendship, the end goal of the relationship is the relationship itself— which is beautiful.
  
  I thought his argument that friendship holds society together was really interesting, especially since the current political right constantly argues the family holds society together. Both are probably true but friendship never gets a mention as a political force. It would probably be healthy for society if we could focus more attention on the importance of being a good friend and having good friends.
  
  I also liked his argument that friendship is absolutely the best part of life and that we should seek to acquire true friends the way many seek to build wealth.
  
  
• 
  James Henderson

  Cicero's dialogue on friendship demonstrates his approach to philosophy, drawing on the work of the Greeks that preceded him, especially Plato and Aristotle. While set in the Rome of his day, he harkens back to those thinkers who defined such concepts as virtue and the Good. A notable example being Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics.
  
  Cicero states that "the very essence of friendship" is "a common set of beliefs, aspirations, and opinions." (p 31). He further states that friendship is only possible between those who "act and live so that their lives give proof of faithfulness, integrity, fairness, and generosity; and who are free from any low passion, greed, or violence; and are of great strength of character," (p 37). Most important for true friendship, however, is virtue and "virtue, too, loves itself," (p 165); in conclusion he states, "I say it is virtue that creates and preserves friendships. Virtue is the source of compatibility, stability, and permanence." (p 169)
  
  Cicero's stance would seem to be one that in most respects is consistent with some modern views as it prominently does not depend on "service above self", but is consistent with integrity and treating others with respect while acting virtuously. This translation by Philip Freeman is felicitous in making Cicero's beautiful Latin prose read as fluently in contemporary English. The result is a demonstration that we can still learn from the classical thinkers of Rome and Greece.
  
• 
  Colette

  I enjoyed this ancient treatise on friendship. There was nothing particularly earth shattering about it, but the advice is wise and, for the most part, still applicable today, and I found his insistence on virtue as the necessary foundation for friendship to be especially interesting.
  
  Some quotes to ponder:
  I don’t agree with those who have begun to argue recently that the body and spirit perish together and that death destroys all things.
  
  ...virtue itself gives birth to friendship and nourishes it, so that without virtue friendship is not able to exist.
  
  How could you enjoy the good times of life if you didn’t have someone who was as happy about your good fortune as you are? And adversity would be a terrible thing to bear unless you had someone who felt its weight even more than you.
  
  The reward of friendship is friendship itself.
  
  Who is there who would wish to be surrounded by all the riches in the world and enjoy every abundance in life and yet not love or be loved by anyone?
  
  Nature gave us friendship as an aide to virtue, not as a companion to vice.
  
  Nature loves nothing that is solitary, but always inclines toward some sort of support. And the sweetest support is a very dear friend.
  
  Nothing is worse or more destructive among friends than constant flattery, fawning, and affirmation. Call it what you will, it is the mark of a weak and false-hearted man to tell you anything to please you except the truth.
• 
  Chao

  Who knew there was a self help book written in the 1st century BCE, some 2000 years ago? And by Cicero too.
  
  On the plus side, it covered some very good points, such as the types of friends. And getting to know your friends for longer before calling them one, as people spend more time inspecting the cattle and sheep they want to buy than the friends they make. Also when you want to distance yourself, unravel instead of cut the threads of friendship and be careful of backstabbing. It also argued for the importance of having friends, as a virtue reinforcement cycle and for your happiness, etc.
  
  On the minus side, what’s up with supposedly putting the words in the mouth of an older respected Roman public figure? And make up a likely pretend conversation between the old man and two younger men? And it idealized the best type of friendships too much, it was so shiny that my eyes hurt. And all the poetics waxed about Scipio Africanus and himself (Laelius), I thought you guys are some life long lovers. Perhaps the ancient Roman men were more demonstrative in their affection than Parisians. And possibly too much poetics on virtue.
  
  But overall it’s a practical piece.