You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox

You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery Reviews

• 
  Sally

  While I have read a lot of gender guides, self-help, and reference books over the years, what sets You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery apart is its interactive nature. This is less a book to be read, and more something to be experienced. Dara Hoffman-Fox guides us on the journey, setting up the questions and sign posts along the way, but leave it up to the reader to determine their own destination.
  
  Dara opens the preface with a reference to Joseph Campbell and the idea of the heroic journey, which make sense because storytelling is integral to the book. We are invited to define ourselves as characters, explore our motivations, examine our back stories, and set out the story of our gender journey - our logline. It is almost like a transgender role playing game session, only with a licensed therapist instead of a game master.
  
  Every reader will take something different from the book, but given the emphasis on mentors throughout, I thought I would explore a very personal take on what resonated with me - aside from the storytelling aspect itself, of course.
  
  Building a Support Team is pretty basic stuff, but it means a little more to me of late. Growing up, I had no mentors, no bodyguards, and no support team. Looking back, I wonder, if I could have counted on just one person to listen, to understand, and to care, how differently my life might have turned out? We cannot change the past, but the future is always open, and having had the chance to act as something of a virtual mentor to a few people over the last year, I have an even greater appreciation for what a difference that support team can make.
  
  The Role of Shame and Guilt struck me deeply, a chapter that asks us to look back at where those feelings come from, how they impact us, and how much they control our lives. I know the exact moment that shame and guilt entered my journey. I was in high school, relatively comfortable with my blossoming gender identity/expression, and thinking about university as a fresh start. I was confused, but I was also excited. And then I came home from school to find my mother had been snooping, had found everything (clothes, makeup, wig, falsies, books, etc.), and was absolutely disgusted. She taught me shame, she taught me guilt, and she forced me to begin the familiar cycle of guilty indulgence and shame-filled purges.
  
  Keeping in Mind the Big Picture bothered me a bit, because it opens with so much discussion about internalized transphobia, but it goes on to share some fantastic thoughts on our identities and our sense of self. The main reason I bring it up, though, is the lengthy questionnaire at the end of the chapter (31 questions). It took me days to complete it, and the way it made me organize my thoughts and reflect on my sense of self was invaluable.
  
  Deconstructing Gender is, perhaps, the most interesting section of the book. It is here that Dara gets into discussions of transgender, gender diverse, non-binary, and gender dysphoria. There is a bit of everything in this chapter - definitions, short questionnaires, checklists - with some really encouraging explorations of being non-binary. What spoke loudest to me, though, was the section at the end about removing gender from the equation, looking at interests, behaviors, and appearances on their own, free of stereotypes and expectations.
  
  Wrestling with Uncertainty hit me hard too, especially, the section that asks, "Is it actually this . . . or is it just that?" So many of the questions I asked myself after that introduction to shame and guilt are captured here. There is a lengthy checklist, and I am sorry to say I have a lot of tick marks on that page - Am I really just gay/lesbian? Is it just a fetish? Am I really a cross-dresser? Is this just a kink? - the list goes on. Some of those questions predate that introduction, but the bulk of them only came about after I was forced to feel so disgusted with myself. I love how Dara breaks the questions down into clusters, and found the fetish/kink cluster to be particularly interesting, especially how harshly she dismisses the "dangerous and deceptive" model of autogynephilia.
  
  Putting It All Together is where, well, everything comes together, helping us to determine all the possible destinations of our gender journey. Dara reminds us that it's okay to be wrong, and okay to change our mind later. The lengthy questionnaire from Keeping in Mind the Big Picture is repeated here, allowing us to explore how much our ideas and thoughts have changed over the course of the exercise, and I loved the gender identity options - there are approximately 90 listed, including a few that are culturally specific.
  
  If you take it seriously, and put the work into it that it requires, You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery is by no means an easy read (or a comfortable one), but it is an invaluable experience. Nothing can replace the one-on-one experience of a licensed therapist, but Dara Hoffman-Fox has done a wonderful job of expanding her services to a virtual pool of clients.
  
  
  As reviewed by Sally at
  Bending the Bookshelf
• 
  Ally

  I am a therapist who works with people questioning gender identity, and I am looking forward to recommending this book to my clients. It is a resource that is very needed. It is well-laid out and practical, and encourages self-discovery. Throughout the book, Dara’s voice remains empathic and kind, and demonstrates a strong knowledge about gender. I also really appreciated the focus on non-binary identities. Dara, thank you for creating this wonderful resource - I believe it will be a great help to many!
• 
  Kit

  This is for people at the very, VERY beginning of their gender journey, so a lot didn't apply to me, but otherwise, this is great. I think it would be fantastic for teenagers to work through (whether they think they might be trans or not.)
• 
  Mark

  I have learned a lot. And I have come to realize a lot about myself. In this book that explores one gender identity, it even helped me as an (at the time of writing this 5 years into transition) already out trans male. This is a workbook and I have done the work to find about a deeper level of me. Something I am able to actually di not that I am in a better place in my life.
  
  What makes this book important for those who are exploring their gender identity/ past gender experience, is that you put in the work needed for it. That the only way to get out what you want from the question of what is my gender identity.
  
  The wording of the book is all inclusive and kind. There is no harshness or is there pressure to figure out all the big questions all at once. It is good to take breaks and work it as your pace to be. That's what I did and it turned me for the better. But it is not a cure-all. There can (and maybe will) be doubts about your gender as you work through and then post book reading. It is just important to follow up with, for example talking to your bodyguard, the exercises.
  
  To point this is mainly for those who are just beginning their questioning experience but it can be for post-transition. I just took into account how I was in the past versus how I feel now. This allowed me to see the changes of past to present. If I was to stay female or transition to male.
• 
  PhebeAnn

  This was a thorough and generally well-done workbook that I found helpful in my own gender journey.
  
  Hoffman-Fox goes through just about every aspect of gender identity it's important to think through, from your childhood experiences and feelings, to your fears and doubts as you approach/begin to transition, to how to find support and actively explore your gender identity.
  
  I have two minor complaints: 1) the book is quite jam-packed with exercizes. Hoffman-Fox does instruct the reader to take all the time they need as they go through it, which I did (it took me nearly 2 months to work through it) but there is a loooot there. Some things I did skip because they felt less necessary to me (like planning self-care activities - I'm already well-versed in this and have daily activities I do.
  2) at times this felt like it was really written primarily for a youth audience, which maybe is good, because that may be its primary audience. However, the hero's journey metaphor threaded through using superhero & videogame analogies wasn't quite my thing. That said, the idea of the "bodyguard" did resonate for me as a way to understand my doubts and fears for living authentically, so sometimes you just need to suspend your eyeroll on some self-help book stuff and just go with it.
• 
  kathryne Lentes

  There are few times when one is alone as when one is attempting to discover the truth of their own identity, friends and counselors can help but a lot of the work has to done with the confines on one’s head and it can be easy to get lost in their somedays. Which is why I was happy to hear about Dara Hoffman-fox’s book You and your gender identity a guide to self-discovery. The book is work book with a well detailed plan to allow you from going from questioning your who you really are to being able to make concrete statements about how you wish the world to see you. The book covers, preparation, reflection and exploration with real world advice guiding This includes dealing with current fears, your childhood, exploring your gender role thru through imagination and reality. This book provide a skeleton that you put the meat on the bones by answering thought provoking questions. I know it help me to see some things and will probably do the same for you.
• 
  Ajae Corbett

  If you're questioning your gender identity, or wanting to confirm how you feel, or wanting to help someone else in their journey - this is the single best book I have read so far.
  This book is written more like a workbook. There are a lot of questions, explorations, and thoughts and reflections to complete. They are very well written and easy to complete.
  This book answers so many questions for the reader. And it explains how to find answers to those burning questions.
  Be sure to follow along with the author
  on her website, facebook page, and YouTube channel. They are all equally informative and helpful.
  I highly recommend this book and transgender author and expert.
• 
  J.A. Grier

  This is not a book you read, this is a book you experience. The text invites you into a conversation with yourself about how your remember, consider, and perceive gender, and what that means for you. There is no judgement, rules, or gatekeeping. It is open and vast with possibilities. No matter your place in your own journey of gender understanding, you are likely to get something valuable out of this book. If you are just starting your investigations, then definitely get this. Well written, positive, and supportive.
• 
  Millie

  Well... I bought this book hoping it would give me some answers and boy did it over perform.
  
  It is very well written and provides a lot of useful information and tools to help explore yourself. I'm not overstating things to say it's changed my life.
  
  I suspect you'll know already if this is the kind of book you want, so I just want to assure you that it is very good and it will help you find the answers you're looking for.
• 
  holden

  I started this book about 8 or 9 months ago at the recommendation of my therapist. I was very scared, confused, and kind of just completely full of dread as far as the what to do with the revelation I had had about myself. I have finished it feeling a lot more secure in who I am, and a lot less afraid of what other people think about it. This is a great book for people at the very beginning of examining their gender identity.
• 
  Daze

  There may be people out there who appreciate the tone and language of this book but it's not me.
  
  Perhaps I would have appreciated this if I was ten or fifteen years younger, or if I liked the wording of this book being my "mission statement, a beacon, a guiding light."
  
  As it is, I don't feel like comparing myself to movie plots or embarking on this [adjective] journey to my true authentic self. Maybe in the future.
• 
  Brian Swain

  Important and useful book designed to guide those questioning gender issues. It's filled with exercises and thought-provoking discussions about the many and varied aspects of this sometimes painful transition.
• 
  Zach Laengert

  Incredible; I'll be spending a lot of time revisiting and working through this guidebook. There are so many places where the author hits my experiences right on the nose, and it is so heartwarming to learn how long people have been experiencing these concerns.
• 
  emmy

  Included in a blog post and resource list at
  https://booksbeyondbinaries.blog/2019...
• 
  Tabi

  Excellent workbook resource, no matter where one is on their gender discovery journey.
  Take your time, don't push yourself, and pay attention to the self care breaks.
• 
  Scraggledy

  I think it is indeed helpful and written as a guide to follow, but more about general self-acceptance, not specifically gender identity or gender dysphoria. Well written, but not specific enough.
• 
  Unique

  very helpful, good reread value
• 
  K Kriesel

  A great gender workbook for those who might find Kate Bornstein's Gender Workbook too radical or chatty
• 
  Unicorn Kisses

  It was rather emotion-based, which is something I struggle with as a person with ASD. There were some parts that were really helpful though, especially the resources!
• 
  Tara Brabazon

  This is a guide through the exploration of gender identity. It is part journal and part guide through
  a life transformation.
  
  The goal is to explore new connections and new meanings.
  
  It is a gentle and compassionate growth. It is beautifully written and well organized. Recommended.