Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve by Ian Kerner

Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve Reviews

• 
  Julie

  Any guy who writes a book titled, "She Comes First," must know what he's talking about, and that appears to be the case here. It's kind of sad to admit that a lot of what Kerner discusses in this book is spot on. We have lowered our standards. We do tend to settle for the "in the meantime," rather than be alone.
  
  Some takeaway quotes:
  - What is the point of dating someone if he doesn't make you feel great?
  - What is the point of casual sex if the sex part isn't any good?
  - Dating "in the meantime" is wasted time. Someday is right now. Life is too precious to get stuck in an endless cycle of meantimers who will never, ever wind up with you in the here and now.
• 
  Kathrynn

  Enjoyed reading this book written from a man's perscpective. My favorite quote, "When it works, it's easy. He wants to see you. You want to see him. There are no doubts, excuses, maybes, or buts. You don't have to analyze the relationship. There are no games."
  
  Chapters: You're not that into him either,
  1. but you slept with him anyway
  2. but you thought you could have sex like a man
  3. but that didn't stop him from having sex like a man
  4. but you're dating him in the meantime
  5. but there are no good men left
  6. but all your friends are getting married
  7. but you're trapped on the dismal dating treadmill
  8. but you needed him to be into you
  9. (or anyone) and you've given up on finding love
  
  The main theme I got from this book is don't settle. Ever. Get on with your life. Live your life. It will happen when it is right. Don't be in a relationship "in the meantime" because before you know it, you are missing opportunities to meet the person that lights you up from the inside out and vice versa--they are often in the very area in which you frequent or live.
• 
  Katie Mcsweeney

  I bought this book because it seems like it's more in keeping with my ethos than
  Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. Where the other book advocated manipulation and psychological trickery as the paths to better relationships this book is all about forgetting about finding a man and filling your life with the things you love and are interested... ... and then while your busy having a crazy good time you MIGHT meet the man of your dreams. I actually already knew this but then I met a boy... who was nice for a while and then a complete s**head... then I wanted him precisely because he wasn't that into me. STUPID. This book was the REBOOT that my personality needed!
  What I loved about this book was that it acknowledges the fact that you may never meet someone and offers a reasonable way to deal with this (having a KICK-ASS life). Finding the right man dose not need to be an all consuming search; get on with your life and maybe you'll find a nice guy while your at it. This advice is excellent because its the act of searching that 'makes' you spend way too much time on s**theads!
  A clever girl like me shouldn't need to read a book like this but sadly I needed to be reminded of the fact the I am enough and that I am the only person who can really control how/if I am happy.
• 
  Kim

  The best part about this book was the last chapter where the author's wife talks about her dating history and how she ended up finding and marrying Mr. Right. I enjoyed reading her perspective a lot. It gave me hope.
  
  This book doesn't really give concrete, actionable advice -- it mostly forces women to think about their dating patterns. This might be eye-opening stuff if you're not introspective and have never put much thought into your dating choices. However, for the women who HAVE actually thought about their dating behavior, I don't think this book has much to offer.
  
  What I liked most about this book is that the author is very much against what he calls "meantime relationships." You know, those guys who make perfectly adequate companions when you need someone to take to your office holiday party, but for some reason they just don't do it for you. The author argues that you should keep yourself available so that you're ready when Your One True Love comes along. I agree that there are far too many "meantime relationships" happening and I liked that the author discourages them.
• 
  Marsha

  All those books about searching for love, finding the right man, getting the right man, getting him to the altar, getting married by age 30, 40, 50 are shot down in flames by this no-nonsense book about the high price of settling just so you don’t die an old maid. So what’s wrong with being single? Nothing! What’s so great about the endless search for love? Nada!
  
  Dr. Kerner feels that it’s high time women stopped looking at Cosmopolitan and started finding fulfillment in being alone. There’s nothing wrong with love but our society is really off kilter when we craft reality shows about netting a rich husband like he’s nothing more than a prize on a game show. His chapters about not buying into the myth of happily ever after feel like a wholesome breath of fresh air and I’d gladly recommend them to anyone who’s bewailing the fact that she’s still unmarried when she’s no longer in her twenties.
• 
  Mariana

  I love this book. Kerner has a raw, honest, nonbiased, devils advocate way of looking into the world of dating for women. I started reading this book and honestly can't put it down. He really challenges you to look at things from all sides. Yes women have been sexual liberated, but what does that really mean? He makes you think for yourself, constantly asking questions and letting you figure out the answer that's right for you as a person. With that said, I think this book is not for everyone.
  
  Like if you're in your early to mid twenties, for one you won't even understand most of the sex in the city references. You're from a generation that is way more sexually desensitized, so having sex with no attachments might be easier for you. Or not having sex period either way, sex to your generation not that big of a deal.
  
  If you're over forty or just really conservative I feel maybe you might be a little to conservative for this book, and how blunt it can be. Like if the idea of one-night-stands appauls you, its safe to say this isn't the book for you. Not that he glorifies the one-nighter at all, but he does acknowledge that people have them and more often than most people would like to admit.
  
  This was a fantastic read for me and maybe for you as well. Just if you don't understand don't knock it, it just wasn't the right book for you.
• 
  Lauren Kramer-Theuerkauf

  Much like "He's Just Not That Into You," this book turns the tables and shines the spotlight on the fact that we as women are very quick to "settle." Kerner states that many times, we see the problems with our mate, but choose to ignore them so that we do not have to be alone.
  
  The behaviors and scenarios presented in this book are hilarious, as well as true. I found myself highlighting sections and writing the names of my ex-boyfriends next to them. I found it very refreshing for a male author to admit to the many crazy behaviors exhibited by men. The fact that Kerner seems to be a champion for women is even better.
  
  Most importantly, he encourages women to raise their standards and seek out the love that they are worthy of. This book is very empowering and forces women to take a good look at not only their mate, but, themselves as well. A must read for everyone!
• 
  Sean Goh

  Don Juan: "There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love."
  
  Scrolling down the reviews and I haven't found a single guy who read this. This book came to my attention after I read Kerner's other more well-known work (She Comes First) and thought it would be interesting to explore other perspectives. I was not disappointed. The story at the end from his wife was also an amusing read.
  
  The dream: "When it works, it's easy. He wants to see you. You want to see him. There are not doubts, excuses, maybes, or buts. You don't have to analyse the relationship. There are no games."
  ___
  "Are you waiting for someone?" "Yeah I'm seeing this guy and he said he'd stop by, and I know I look like a real idiot, but I'm really into him." He shook his head and said: "But you're so beautiful, and you seem intelligent. Why would you do this to yourself? If you can't get his act together to come here then you're obviously way too good for him. Why are you wasting your time?" I nodded contemplatively and then did what all girls do when struck with an insight this intense and on-target: ordered another vodka tonic and went out onto the sidewalk to see if he was coming.
  
  The cure is simple, universally effective, and yet strangely elusive. It can be as hard to locate as the flu vaccine, but when you find it, your sense of well being sets in almost immediately. What is this magical antidote?
  Pride.
  
  The reason pride can be so elusive for women is because it often comes hand in hand with accepting that things weren't meant to be, and accepting this can be painful, depressing, and lonely. But the sadness fades. The recovery never takes nearly as long as the months of floundering in nonrelationships.
  
  What has struck me most over the past year or so is not the inability of women to read men's all-too-clear signs of relative disinterest but women's passive decisions to sleep with, date, and ultimately fall in love with men they never really liked in the first place.
  
  Women sleep with men for a variety of reasons that have little to do with their libido. If you're aware of this, great. Go for it. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences that may arise. But if you're looking to repair your self-esteem or exorcise the ghosts of boyfriends past through casual sex, you're probably setting yourself up for a disappointment.
  
  The point is this: You can treat sex lightly but it doesn't reciprocate. Sex matters. There are biological and evolutionary forces at work every time you have sex, so just be honest with yourself about why you're doing it in the first place.
  
  From a purely orgasmic point of view, women in relationships fare far better than single women.
  Unlike corporate executives and politicians, your orgasms never lie. They tell you the truth about a sexual encounter, whether you want to know it or not. If there's nothign to attach to, if there's no deeper emotional content or meaningfulness, orgasm becomes a reminder of the hollowness of the sex that preceded it (post-orgasm regret). This typically manifests itself as sadness or anger.
  
  Sex is powerful stuff and one of the downsides of having it casually is that it devalues a core component of the courtship process: what I tend to call the dance. Not to say you can't have casual sex, fall in love, and live happily ever after, but it's less likely, and certainly more of a challenge, when you consider how we're wired. The truth is that nature rigged our wiring long before contraception and the sexual revolution overhauled the system.
  
  Three types of erections:
  Psychogenic erection - produced by erotic stimuli (mainly audio and visual), the "brain erection".
  Reflect erection - produced by direct genital stimulation, the "body erection".
  Nocturnal erections - occur spontaneously during REM cycles. the "morning wood".
  
  Men are more able to compartmentalise love and sex, which allows them to have sex without emotion. But that does not mean they don't want the emotion.
  Men may be more easily aroused but that does not make them any less fundamentally interested in romantic or emotionally based love.
  
  Art is the lie that tells the truth - Picasso. Let the thing (in-the-meantime relationship) speak for you and eventually ir will speak for itself. The image will become the truth, leaving the motivation underlying it far behind and forgotten.
  
  Many of us have never spent any significant period of time alone. We go from our families to college to roommates and into relationships. We're become good at dealing with others but often at the expense of learning how to deal with ourselves. And in today's interconnected technology-driven landscape, we can easily avoid that sort of internal dialogue and introspection that forces self-reflection and -realisation.
  
  Magazines like Playboy are created for the male gaze, and magazines like Cosmo are created for women who view themselves through the male gaze. Women have internalised the male gaze, and it follows them everywhere.
  This leads many women to a crisis in confidence, whereby their value is based on the judgment of all men, echoed by the man they happen to be dating. If they are not dating anybody, the problem intensifies.
  
  The trade-off for trying to be so independent is that you've meanwhile missed your chance to find a man. The good ones were swept up by the more conservative girls, and now all you can do is lower your standards or stay single forever.
  But let me just say this to all of you loud and clear: Bullshit!
  According to Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, codirector of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers U, women who wait longer to marry are more mature, more financially secure, and have a better sense of who they could happily spend their lives with than those who marry early.
  
  I came to understand that commitment-phobes are not only unable to commit to "yes", they are also incapable of committing to the "no." They keep the door open, giving their partners false hope.
  
  The only thing worse than being single and miserable is being married and miserable. If you lower your standards now, you'll be paying for it in years to come.
  
  Michelle realises she should probably have stuck to her guns and declined the invitation. She realised that she and Cathy had nothing in common, and it's not worth putting yourself into situations where she has to feign interest or emotion.
  
  Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Don't get wrapped up in finding or keeping a man, resorting to rules and tactics and playing the numbers game. Learn to stop succumbing to the pressure to achieve coupledom. That way, when the real thing comes along, you will be ready, willing, and able to jump in with both feet, not caught on some infernal treadmill where you wouldn't know the real thing if it slapped you in the fanny pack.
  
  Love at first sight is a false conceit; people confuse it for chemistry, which, while important, is just a fraction of what makes a relationship work.
  When it works, it's easy. He wants to see you. You want to see him. There are no doubts, excuses, maybes, or buts. You don't have to analyse the relationship. There are no games.
  
  I realised that love is sort of like that song (Sesame Street: "one of these things doesn't belong") - you need to know what belongs and what doesn't but you can only do that by really knowing yourself. All of my life I had settled for people who didn't belong. It took a while but I finally found the one who truly belongs. And if I can do it, so can you.
• 
  Sharon L

  This book has a really good point.
  
  While dating, you often find yourself forgetting the most important thing.
  
  You get your ass on the dating game, you feel uncomfortable to say no to most guys that hit on you. Suddenly, just like that, without noticing it you've chatted, emailed, texted, spoke on the phone, met, dated and kissed over 30 guys in just two months.
  
  nope, none of them was the one. none of them even came close to being the guy you're searching for. Only one of them (the one you've dated the longest) helped you figuring out what it is that you want...he gave you a good enough taste of what things with the right guy might be, that now, you want the real thing and you are unwilling to compromise or settle or less than what you want or even deserve.
  
  That is the point of this book, getting lost in the motion of the dating treadmill is so easy, that you forget yourself, you lower your standards and you date guys you are not really interested in. Then...if you are not lucky, you might get hurt by someone you didn't want and didn't deserve you in the first place. damn, that's a tough reality to live.
  
  The solution however is simple- have a backbone, have self value and confidence, mostly have pride in yourself. Why? because if you have these, it will be easier to remember what you want, what you are searching for. also, it will be far more easy to raise your standards so that finding that right guy will be easier, so you won't waste time, effort and feelings on a man who isn't worth it...A man who is wrong for you at the worst case scenario, or just isn't right for you in the best case scenario.
  
  So quit wasting your time on all those guys and reach for the love you deserve and want.
• 
  rebekah

  I am surprised I had never heard of this little love self help gem before...But it crossed my circulation desk last week and I thought, oh this is just what I need to read! I rather like being single but sometimes...well a girl get lonely. It was a little disconcerting to see many of my behaviors written in black and white...but I enjoyed the breezy casual style and I did finish the book in a place of hope, not a place of despair. I recommend this book for all my single ladies!
• 
  Maureen

  Sigh. The title of this book is the best part; the rest can get caught up in sexist gender stereotypes.
• 
  Jaye Abhau

  This was it. This was the last book I read before I ditched men and started dating women in earnest.
• 
  Emily

  Never before have I experienced reading a book that seemed to be articulating the exact thoughts in my head. Since I haven't been active on the dating scene, I always felt like my opinions and observations about romantic relationships were irrelevant since I lacked that "real world experience" in the matter. However, Ian Kerner justified all my beliefs. This is one of those books I will refer back to time and time again as I navigate the vast and treacherous waters of the big city dating world so that I do not lose sight of my own ideals and desires.
  
  I'm not an easily offended person, but one of the comments I am most affronted by is when people say that it's "selfish" for a woman to focus on herself during her younger years because she has a finite biological clock. That it is "irresponsible" to think you can wait to have children until you are 35 because you are putting them at a higher risk for disabilities. While this is technically scientifically true, that in no way means that you do not have fertile years after age 35, as well as other options for raising a child. As the author points out, you are doing your children a much graver disservice if you are in a loveless and miserable marriage that came about solely for the sake of living that cliched dream of a big wedding, a husband, a brick house with a white picket fence, and 2.5 kids. I was really glad that the author addressed this subject because it's something that has really irked me recently.
  
  I recommend this book to any female in her 20s and 30s. Seriously, read it.
• 
  Busy

  Did you ever pick up a book only to find that every word seemed to be speaking directly to you, as if it were destiny? This is that kind of a book for me. A serial overdater, I have been guilty of going on dates just to fill up empty space in my iCalendar. If you've ever heard the song, "The Miller's Son," that's basically what my mindset was. Talk about dating in the mean time! I just got dumped by a guy I would consider my Chippy- we got along great and he was perfect for me in absolutely every way except for the fact that he was still in love with his ex. I ignored this fatal flaw, determined that he must be better than the other duds I had been dating. But the fateful day he dumped me for not sleeping with him because I didn't feel ready (my instincts were smart, even if my logic was absent!), I resolved to make a change in my approach to dating. This book holds the key to just such a plan. Here's the cliffs notes: If you are dating just to date, put the brakes on. If you're into him but he isn't into you, switch from trying to be his boo and ghost. There is no shame in being alone the occasional Friday (or Wednesday) night, and you should feel no guilt or reservations when trusting your instinct. If you're courting mediocrity because you worry about how time is slipping, you will paradoxically waste time in subpar relationships. This book is exactly what I needed to hear at this point in my life. I recommend it to all singles who feel like something is missing, but don't know how to fix it.
• 
  Kristen

  I'm about half-way through this book and as a college student I understand a lot of the things he's talking about, but not all because--frankly--I haven't experienced them yet. Yes, I do agree that some guys will "date you in the meantime" but, of course, that's not how all guys are--or all girls for that matter.
  
  Kerner's insight is really interesting to read because you don't see many books like this written by men. He delves into a lot of thought-provoking topics that make me stop and think about my past relationships and situations I've put myself into. Why? Kerner doesn't give answers, he gives more questions and some possibilities.
  
  This book was definitely made for the self-driven women who is willing to do a little bit of soul-searching; which, to be honest, may not be the kind of woman that should be reading this book in the first place. I borrowed it from a friend who had to read it for her interpersonal communication class, and although not all of it pertains to me, it's an interesting read and I appreciate how thought-provoking it is!
• 
  Chriss

  Playing off of the popular series, "He's not that into you", this book tried to take it to the next step more from the woman going out and getting what she wants. But I didn't agree with going out and "having sex like a man" because they make it sound like casual, one night stands are okay. Maybe for some women, but not all. I personally don't think that is the answer for finding love but some of the points were well taken and the author uses his own experience meeting his wife as an example. But when you have a setting like New York or Chicago, it doesn't seem to compare much to small town USA where the average woman live.
• 
  Jennifer

  I admit to having a streak of vicious hatred in my heart for the seeming hundreds of thousands of books dedicated to women who, sheeplike, continue to adore men who are genetically inferior to pond algae. "Women Who Love Men Who Hate Them", "He Doesn't Love Me, But I Stand By My Man", "He's Not that Into You". I am weary of self-help books to begin with, but these just make me sick.
  
  This one amused me.
• 
  Rachel

  Author wrote this book as a counter balance to He's Just Not That Into You ... some snippets...women can't actually have sex like men because a woman's brain chemistry is different (attach). men have feelings too. Respect yourself and stop lowering your standards. Overall the book was pretty empty. His and his wife's story at the end is kind of sweet, the most worthwhile thing in the book.
• 
  Stacy

  I can't say enough about how much I love this book. I read it after I got out of a bad relationship (one in a string of many, I am sorry to say) and it really illuminated the patterns I was falling into and why I kept making the same relationship mistakes again and again. I loved this book so much that I actually tracked down the email address of the author and thanked him for this book. I can't say enough good things about it!
• 
  Veronica

  Where to start?
  1. If you sound like a cartoon weasel, DO NOT NARRATE YOUR OWN BOOK.
  2. If you think you are funny, yet are not, DO NOT NARRATE YOUR OWN BOOK.
  3. How many times can you come up with a synonym for sex? Really, we are all grown here, lets not turn this into a middle school giggle fest of how many ways to say boobie!
  
  All in all, what a waste. Not worth the 1 star, but I didn't get any lower choices.
• 
  Jenny

  Despite the fact that Ian Kerner has written some excellent sex advice books ("She Comes First"), his guide to dating is pretty useless. It boils down to: don't date people you don't like. Really?? Also, written in 2005, the book is hilariously dated with references to "Netflix DVDs" and "Eminem CDs". I appreciate Kerner's attempt to clapback at "He's Just Not That Into You", which is also a worthless shit dating guide, but Kerner doesn't exactly bring any fresh ideas to the table.
• 
  Oi Yin

  In the aftermath of the break up of a pseudo-relationship, I felt the need to read something that would put things in perspective. It was a fun read. I don't know that it did much to alleviate the mixed emotions I was dealing with but it did provide a bit of common sense and a bit of levity. Unfortunately it was lost on me.
• 
  Beth

  Much better than "He's Just Not That Into You."
  
  It actually deals with why women languish in relationships when we *know* it isn't the one...
  
  Kinda empowering. He totally encourages women to do what they need to in the moment, while being cognizant of potential trip-ups.
  
  Also very funny.
• 
  Sarah Beth

  ugh oh god, i really did read this book, though by the end, i was down to about 10 words a page. i, um, do not recommend it, though it was good fodder for conversation. Also, i am currently doing 100% of the things the book told me not to. Am not raising my standards, am not reaching for the love i deserve, am mostly hoping for the best.
• 
  Amber

  A breeze but insightful. A lot of the things that we all know but need to be reminded of every once in awhile about dating when you go through some of the tougher times of that dating cycle.
  
  I may be a bit biased because I see Dr. Kerner as a correspondent for my new station, but nonetheless, I like what he has to say.
• 
  Jaclyn

  I liked this book. Kerner offers encouraging advice to those of us trying to navigate the tricky world of dating and trying to figure out who and what we want. I wish this wasn't a library book b/c I would love to have it to refer back to from time to time when I feel a little discouraged with dating and all it's complications. I may need to go buy myself a copy...
• 
  Shaun

  Every woman in the world needs to read this. I am not a big advocate of self-help books and have never read them before, but this one came along and sparked my interest at a time when I really needed it. I reiterate: every woman needs to read this, regardless of marital status. It may just change your life and save you from yourself (and the wrong guy for you). You're welcome.