For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence Reviews

• 
  Larry Strattner

  My mother used to say,"We are all victims of victims." If you reflect on this continuum, as Alice Miller does, you realize that many of her case study examples are as immediate today as they ever were since violence is a trait passed down through experience and it is so unerringly inserted deep in the mind of an abused child that it remains almost invisible until an opportunity presents itself for it to blossom horribly within its unwitting host.
  
  Ms. Miller's logic and her view of the roots of violence are clear and well drawn. She notes with particular clarity one of the great enablers of this disease, silence, from society, witnesses and the abused themselves, which allow the sickness to incubate and spread.
  
  A potential reader should not make the mistake of supposing Ms. Miller's analyses of causes and effects are somehow dated since the text is now more than thirty years old. In reality we consistently see examples that could well be Miller's in current news reports.
  
  This book is clear and easy reading. Ms. Miller is concise in her recounting of both her facts and her analyses. And yet the book is not easy to read. It is disturbing, depressing and at times sickening. It is a cautionary tale for anyone seeking paths to a better world, a management tool, as it were, for one of our most precious resources, our children.
• 
  Margaret

  Alice Miller seems to be a bit of a polarizing figure, which isn't too surprising, since she manages to basically upend the entire history of pedagogy in her work. This is the first of her books I've read, but I was so fascinated that I decided to dig a bit deeper, and discovered that likely one reason her books are challenging to find (in English, at least), is probably because of her complicated relationship with her son, Martin Miller, who is also a psychotherapist.
  
  Much of Martin's life seems to have been destroyed by his mother's inability to practice what she preaches in her books. Martin was abused by his father when he was young, and argues that his mother turned a blind eye. Personally, I don't find it terribly surprising (though it is, of course, disappointing).
  
  Ms. Miller was a holocaust survivor who dedicated her life to her work, and seems to have largely neglected her only child. Some readers may be surprised - or even incredulous - at the idea that someone who wrote so passionately about listening to children could have neglected her own so terribly. Alas, this is often the case, and as Martin so brilliantly puts it, he was both destroyed by his mothers work, and saved by it (there's an excellent 2014 article entitled "The Trauma of a Gifted Child Whose Mother Was Alice Miller"in Haaretz that I highly recommend). In the article, Martin writes "On the one hand, I suffered a great deal from my mother, but on the other hand, she provided me with the information about how to survive in that relationship, and that is wonderful. That is the tension that existed in our relations."
  
  I agree with Miller that nearly all children are victims of violence in one form or another, and that the scars it leaves are long lasting. In truth, I was somewhat surprised she chose to have a child at all, given that her book seems to make the cycle of violence and narcissistic projection of one's own feelings onto helpless children seem almost unavoidable. Her own son knows this all too well.
  
  Miller's failures as a parent do not discredit the value of her work - if anything, they demonstrate the deep complexity of human relations and the great tragedy of family violence and childhood neglect.
  
  *NB!: The book contains descriptions of violent scenes, often of a sexual nature. I was personally triggered more by this book than any I have ever read, and I would caution anyone who is either overly empathetic or who has experienced childhood abuse to tread with caution!
• 
  Aimee J Martin

  This is an older book written in 1980 that I came across sitting on the floor of a dusty, old used book store. I snagged it for $3 and it was $3 well spent.
  
  This book focuses on the origins of violence and hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence.
  
  Amazingly, this book was written in 1980 and expresses that 'everyone should read this book who is troubled by what is happening to our world and to our children..' Wow.. I would love to hear what Alice Miller has to say now in 2010.
• 
  Katrina Dreamer

  I read this for a class on ancestry. My teacher recommended it because I have German ancestry, and this book was one of the most illuminating I've read in a long time. It helped me understand my upbringing in the light of German culture, and the culture my great-grandparents, grandparents, and even ancestors earlier, were raised in.
  
  I highly recommend this book for anyone with German, or even Scandanavian or European roots.
• 
  Elizabeth George

  Alice Miller is a German psychologist whose works have been translated into English. This book explores the nature of child-rearing over time and what child-rearing produces in the victims of what she refers to as "poisonous pedagogy." It's not a book in which anyone is blamed but rather a book in which she explores the way in which child-rearing can ultimately lead to violence in adulthood. As such, it's completely fascinating. It opens your eyes to the negative impact some parents have on their children, even when they are completely well-meaning. It's an eye-opener into the behavior of Stalin and Hitler and it's also a cautionary tale about people like Donald Trump who come to power without ever resolving anything in their past that haunts them.
• 
  Heather

  On recommendation from my therapist. Luckily for me, this copy was heavily marked up so it was easy to skip around to the juicy bits.
  
  Quote:
  "A child conditioned to be well-behaved must not notice what she is feeling, but asks herself what she ought to feel."
  
  
• 
  Rita

  After having it on my shelf for years, I finally read this book, truly amazing. Psychoanalyst Alice Miller explains clearly [even in translation:] what it does to a person's psyche to have been routinely punished by a caregiver for any reason and for no reason. This is her explanation for Hitler and those who collaborated with him and it is convincing. She quotes extensively from 19c [German:] child-rearing manuals warning the parent to establish his/her dominance over the child in the very first year, the goal being the child's complete and blind obedience.
  Someone raised in this way will usually act accordingly their whole life and raise their own children the same way. Absolutely frightening.
  ====================
  After telling Gail and Steve about this book, I wrote to them:
  
  I realized later that I had not accurately represented psychoanalyst Alice Miller's argument in explaining how Hitler and those who collaborated with him could possibly have done what they did.
  I suggested it was adhering too strictly to rules, but that is not correct.
  
  Alice Miller quotes extensively from 19c [German] child-rearing manuals warning the parent to establish his/her dominance over the child in the very first year, the goal being the child's complete and blind obedience.
  Someone raised in this way will usually act accordingly their whole life and raise their own children the same way, she argues.
  
  It was not too many rules, but rather that the child was beaten time after time by an enraged parent for any reason or for no reason.
  Nothing the child could do, or refrain from doing, made any difference. The parent would still unpredictably become enraged and the child learned to expect merciless punishment and humiliation.
  
  Shockingly, the child-rearing manuals literally advocate humiliating the young child, among other measures meant to mold the child into a person who never questions authority but always obeys blindly. Absolutely frightening.
  
  [Her best known title is: The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller. My guess is that 'drama' in the title is a mistranslation for 'tragedy'... ]
  ==============
  I liked two of the readers' comments that I found on my Goodreads site:
  
  ''I read this for a class on ancestry. My teacher recommended it because I have German ancestry, and this book was one of the most illuminating I've read in a long time. It helped me understand my upbringing in the light of German culture, and the culture my great-grandparents, grandparents, and even ancestors earlier, were raised in. I highly recommend this book for anyone with German, or even Scandinavian or European roots. ''
  
  ''I read this book when I was a new mother with my first baby. It helped me become aware of and process the hurts I had experienced as a child at the hands of well-meaning parents and teachers. In turn this helped me become aware of my own tendencies to repeat these patterns, and made it easier to be more kind, loving and patient as a mother. ''
  ===========
  Gail replies:
  Thanks for your qualification. I have read many articles that say that
  speak to the severe punishment for little or no reason as only feeding
  the parent's ego and establishing the parent's dominance. This
  succeeds in destroying the child's self-worth and perpetrating the
  same behavior on the next generation. Cruelty and abuse certainly are
  not the answer.
• 
  Pierian

  Although this book was written in the historical context of an older generation of parents and children, Miller intuits important psychological insights that are supported by current research. The writing and choice of case studies sometimes seems overwrought, and a large section is devoted to Adolf Hitler's childhood and the impact of Nazism (which came as a surprise to me), yet many of Miller's insights can be applied to a more general population. A worthwhile read for those interested in psychology or child development.
• 
  Bethtub

  This is 'must read' material for anyone looking to quell oppressive dynamics. It changed my life and capacity to see various oppressions stemming from personal experiences, as well as how they model each other (i.e. how men relate to women, adults to children, white people to people of color, so on)
• 
  Vanya Prodanova

  Ако изключим първата част "Черната педагогика", която е много мъчна за четене и разбиране, останалото е изключително интересно и добре написано, така че всеки да може д�� го разбере и интерпретира доста коректно, ако пожелае, разбира се.
  
  Авторката разглежда няколко случая между, които тези на Адолф Хитлер и Силвия Плат, и показва връзките между последствия и п��еживяно в детството. Наистина много интересно, а и те кара да се зачудиш за самия себе си. Няма как да не почнеш се самоанализираш и да не се замислиш за своето детство и възпитание. Книгата е доста стара, но все така актуална, което е тъжно.
  
  Последните години доста сериозно вярвам, че възпитателната и образователната ни системи (в световно аспект) са остарели, непотребни, че и направо вредни. Книгата дава един различен поглед над наболелия проблем на насилието над деца и каква сериозна роля играе т.н. "възпитание" в това. Само като се замислим как всички целеустремено се заставиха срещу новата стратегия за деца в България, може веднага да се замислим какво всъщност значи това за начина, по който всички ние сме възпитани... Та, книгата определено те кара да се замислиш и да видиш отвъд симптомите.
  
  
• 
  Nadienne Williams

  Talk about making me question every single thing I do as a parent...
  
  This book is extremely thought-provoking, and attempts to shed light on the possibility of not only where little Hitlers and those who blindly follow them come from, but even attempts to illustrate if the "poisonous pedagogy" of child-rearing techniques may be one of, if not the primary, root of all criminal and/or "deviant" behavior.
  
  Her examples and historical research, as well as other researchers attempts to dismiss the importance of child-rearing, are very interesting to read about and highly compelling.
  
  If you're a parent, than this book should definitely make you question if you are doing right by your children and, more importantly, what "doing right" actually means...
• 
  Ietrio

  Finally someone breaking up with the old, with the same old fairy tales based on belief and employing logic when empirical observation is plagued by confirmation bias.
• 
  Miia Apukka

  Tämä kirja teki minuun todella suuren vaikutuksen. Teos ei ole uusi, 1980-luvulta, mutta pääosin aivan kuranttia tavaraa tänä päivänä. Vai mitä sanoisit tästä: "Järjettömän käyttäytymisen kollektiivinen muoto on kaikkein vaarallisin, koska järjettömyys ei enää kiinnitä kenenkään huomiota ja koska sitä pidetään "normaalina". Vaikuttaako tutulta? Muutenkin kirja osuu minusta maaliin puhuessaan kasvatuksesta vallankäyttönä ja lapsen minuuden kohtaamisen vaikeuksista. Suosittelen kaikille, niin lapsellisille kuin lapsettomille, juuri itsetuntemuksen kasvattamisen välineenä.
• 
  Gea

  So far the entire first third of the book is excerpts from writings about 'parenting' from Germany around 1770-1800. Shows how horrible parents were supposed to raise their kids. I am having a hard time getting through reading all of it - not only because it is sickening - but because Miller hasn't begun writing herself or getting to the point yet. The second half should get better and to the point (I would expect!), but I am not there yet.
  
  After skipping some of the graphic part in the beginning, it is getting a lot better. - I can see the importance of showing the 'advice' and expectations of raising a 'good' child - - - it really makes you realize how horrible parents were supposed to raise their kids. After this harsh beginning Miller is talking more (and it is interesting) - and she is pulling up a lot of research on Nazi Germany and how the Nazi's were raised. She is getting to the point, it seems, that when parents repress the emotions of their children and when parents do not let children express themselves, the consequences (to varying degrees, obviously) can be very, very bad.
  
• 
  Rhonda Rae Baker

  This should be required reading for everyone...I am overwhelmed with how much truth is spoken on these pages!
  
  I've been around long enough to realize and to witness that so much of what is said here is how circumstances unfold for many lives.
  
  Oh that we, as a society, will wake up and look around us. This type of abuse is everywhere and we much look into our past and that of our parents to see what pattern have been unconsciously repeated.
  
  This could save your life and that of your children...but most importantly of the world ahead...our grandchildren and their children.
  
  Please read this and open your heart to understand with empathy what is REALLY going on!
  
  WOW...I am on a mission to read everything that Alice Miller has written...pouring over her website is invaluable as well...(-:
• 
  Laekin

  I stumbled upon this one with the intention to retrieve a few quotes for something I had been writing and ended up not sleeping and finishing the entire thing in a night. Heavy material that I would only recommend to people who have delved into shadow work/inner child healing. I believe it could help people look at the decisions of their parents in a more objective way, by understanding that 'hurt people, hurt people' and that many acts have traceable trauma linked to their early childhood. Not that this necessarily excuses the harmful behaviour... It merely sheds light on otherwise shameful, tucked away places that are often qualified away as we age. Proceed with caution!
• 
  Thom

  Good book to stir up suppressed issues, however it is at high risk for facilitating inaccurate memories.
• 
  Yodar

  This was the book that started my journey to adulthood. I healed tremendously while reading and pondering this book's message.
• 
  Cynthia

  I love Alice Miller's books. Her psychoanalytic perspective along with her anecdotal analysis of famous historical people makes for great reading.
• 
  Mischa Daanen

  Pedagogy fills the needs of parents, not of children.
  
  Ohh and don’t punish or hit your children or they’ll become either addicts or fascists.
• 
  Fernando

  Este es el tercer libro que leo de Alice Miller, después de La Llave perdida y El drama del niño dotado. Los tres son una maravilla, nunca había aprendido tanto sobre psicologia y psicoanalisis con casos concretos que logran identificarme profundamente a lo largo de los libros.
  La autora sigue una misma narrativa en todas sus obras, toma las historias de sus pacientes o las cartas de sus lectores para ejemplificar experiencias traumáticas, dolorosas, confusas o amargas. Esto es importante porque son experiencias transversales o muy frecuentes que uno logra recordar o racionalizar después de leer los pasajes de Por tu propio bien. Lo que más me gusta de este libro, es que logra mostrar la perversidad de los métodos de la crianza infantil: los castigos físicos, los maltratos psicológicos, la privación de la emocionalidad, la implacable disciplina de las experiencias, etc. Todos estos métodos de crianza racionalizados y transformados en prácticas pedagógicas legítimas en las escuelas se transmiten de generación en generación.
  No sólo la pedagogía tóxica con sus métodos crueles de crianza y educación se legitima y racionaliza en las escuelas sino que esta se enseña en manuales de educación infantil. Es decir, adquiere un carácter transversal y normal. Es difícil no espantarse al ver cómo se pudo y se puede justificar y enseñar a los padres a practicar tales tratos crueles en aras de la educación de los niños. En ese sentido, la autora no escatima en citar amplios pasajes de estos manuales que son por momentos verdaderos manuales de torturas, las que justifican palizas, encierros en cuartos oscuros, nalgadas, golpes, privaciones etc. Todos los efectos de esta pedagogía tóxica finalmente tienen graves consecuencias en la vida adulta de las personas que no logran comprender aquellos aspectos traumáticos o difíciles que ocurrieron en su infancia porque se supone que es normal y aceptable.
  Es interesante cómo la autora analiza la biografía de Hitler para explicar, como un caso extremo, las graves consecuencias que puede tener que un niño no tenga NUNCA en su vida una comprensión de sus propias experiencias o un adulto significativa que le muestra que la crueldad familiar no es lo normal en la vida.
  Sin duda recomiendo este libro para todos aquellos que deseen comprender aquellos aspectos de su infancia que pueden ser dolorosas y para comprender un poco más al resto.
• 
  anarcho

  I am aware of Martin Miller’s book and have a vague idea of its contents, however since I haven’t read it, I am reviewing this book as standalone material.
  
  Alice Miller uses three psychobiographies to illustrate her central points. I found this book very insightful and undeniably emotionally difficult to read. Because it is written using very direct (but empathetic) language, it may be triggering or even impossible to parse (due to unconscious defenses) to readers with PTSD or backgrounds of childhood abuse who have not gone through psychotherapy or recovery.
  
  I feel that this book has given me a concrete understanding of the cyclical effects of child abuse and subsequent repression. In an ideal world this book would be read by everyone, not just parents, prospective parents, or psychoanalysts/therapists, because it answers (from one angle) the question of where delinquent behaviour and violence from authority figures (church, state, parents) comes from.
  
  

  Loving parents in particular should want to find out what they are unconsciously doing to their children.

  
  
  I like that Miller addresses criticisms of her views briefly where relevant. It’s worth noting that the fundamental theories of psychoanalysis has its pitfalls, though Miller rebuffs Freud's concept of drives (and its supporters) at least twice. Psychobiographies themselves also contain several fundamental weaknesses, though I agree with Nick Haslam that this does not necessarily mean they have no value or should not be written anymore.
• 
  my_bookstories

  «For your own good» Alice Miller
  Alice Miller is one of my favourite authors. I have read 4 of her books and they are all perfect. She was a psychoanalyst for 20 years and after that she decided to share her knowledge by publishing 13 books. The main subject of the books is our childhood and how the way our parents raised us affected us throughout our lives.
  
  This specific book deals with our education and the “poisonous pedagogy” with references to the childhood of infamous people like Adolfo Hitler, Jürgen Bartsch and others. Children tend to copy their parents behaviour and thus perpetuate the problems.
• 
  Davide Calò

  "La persecuzione del bambino" non parte lontano e fa parte del disegno di una psicologia (fenomenologia della vita infantile?) di stampo anti-pedagogico che caratterizzerà tutto il lavoro di Miller. Questo libro, in particolare, si concentra sul concetto di Pedagogia Nera e di come un'educazione repressiva, violenta, inadatta, sbagliata vada a configurare un danno nei confronti della personalità dell'infante in età adulta. Per avvalorare ciò si prendono gli esempi di Christiane F., di Adolf Hitler, di Jürgen Bartsch e, brevemente, di Sylvia Plath andando proprio a mostrare quegli snodi cruciali per lo sviluppo di quella che andrà a configurarsi come una vera e propria devianza. Il risultato? Un testo dalla tesi semplice ma scritto in maniera diretta, crudo che mostra i problemi, la forza delle idee di Miller e la sua capacità da saggista.
  Consigliatissimo.
• 
  Beata

  Mocna książka, ważny temat. Dobrze by było, żeby każdy niezależnie od wieku, płci i wykształcenia przeczytał ją z uwagą, bo zrozumienie jej treści może zmieniać świat na lepsze. Jestem o tym przekonana.
• 
  Jonathan

  I adore Alice Miller, but she’s indulged too much in citing lengthy passages from classic tomes of (toxic) pedagogy. While these works are tragic and intriguing in their blindness to harm, it gets to be an overload wading through them.
• 
  B Sarv

  Short review. She made very good points but was a bit repetitive.