I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame by Brené Brown

I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame Reviews

• 
  Jess

  This book, for me, was like how it is in college when you take your first class in psych and suddenly you see psychosis everywhere. I see shame and shaming everywhere now - in how people comment on the internet, talk about politics, treat kids, work together, tell stories about themselves... It really does pervade everything.
  
  This book didn't make me feel less alone. It did make me realize, though, that to have true empathy with someone you need to realize you aren't there to fix or better them. You're there to listen, and hear what they are ashamed of, and help them with that. And recognize the same feelings (for whatever reasons you have) in yourself.
  
  But all of this - courage, compassion, connection - it's very hard in our anti-vulnerable, I'm better than you, I did everything on my own culture. It doesn't mean the work isn't worth it, though.
  
  I would only have liked to hear more on her research on men. I think we think of men as in such power and control, so we don't afford them the vulnerability and anxieties we do with women. I can only imagine the shame men feel when jobless, single, different in any way than the norm - and how much they are encouraged to keep that inside.
• 
  Meghan

  After two attempts to get through this one, I just cannot do it anymore.
  
  I am still giving it 2 stars. And I'm going to explain that to you.
  
  If you believe that 'shame' is based on how others see you and whether or not you live up to those expectations, this may, indeed, be your book. In fact, if you base your entire sense of self-worth on how well you are "keeping up with the Joneses", and the disconnect between that dream and your reality is your primary source of shame, pick this one up. You may find something valuable. Go with my blessings, find your bliss. The extra star is for you.
  
  But here's why it doesn't work for me...
  
  Ms. Brown's definitions of 'shame':
  "Shame is about our fear of disconnection."
  "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."
  "Shame is how we see ourselves through other people's eyes."
  
  On the surface, that may sound fine. But what she describes can, in my opinion, be more accurately labeled as 'Social Anxiety','Panic', or even 'Public Humiliation'. The situations she mentions are all based on negative social interactions (forgetting to bring cookies to school, for example, and then running into a teacher and lying about it), and the physical sensations she describes are hall-marks of an anxiety or panic attack. Although I believe both Social Anxiety and Panic can render us helpless and are serious issues, they are certainly not the same thing as shame.
  
  Here's my definition of shame:
  SHAME is the feeling you get when your expectations for yourself are unattainably high, and you feel like a failure because you know you will never reach them. In other words: it is not about fitting in with other people.. it is about accepting ourselves as the flawed but beautiful people we already are. Fundamentally, shame is what happens after the balloons have popped and everyone else has gone home.
  
  Somewhat sadly, she DID offer up examples of actual shame from other women.. but seemed unable to make the distinction between short-lived 'I wore two different shoes to work today and everyone noticed!' embarrassment and the self-inflicted, on-going horrors of their experiences. You simply cannot compare her 'cookie' story, 'sickness' story, or even her 'I was a bad friend' story with the guilt, sadness, and TRUE shame of someone who has gone through a suicide, been the victim of sexual abuse, or has a spouse with a porn addiction... yet that is precisely what the author attempts to do. Her explanations on the verbiage were interesting, but in no way convinced me that her personal stories qualified as 'shame'.
  
  Although I love the idea of shame as a shared human experience, I remain unconvinced that this particular 'expert' is the go-to person for this topic. I could find no middle ground between her definition and my own, and therefore her 'exercises' seemed largely misguided (what is a 'shame-trigger' if shame is something we foist upon ourselves?), and her own examples incredibly shallow. This book may work for some - shared experience or not, we are all still individuals. But for those of us crafting our whips of guilt, self-doubt, and worthlessness in private... I'm afraid this book does not scratch the surface.
  
  
  A few last thoughts:
  This author's focus on sociological perspectives does not work for me, personally, and I will take care to steer clear of anything written by 'sociologists' in the future. Her diatribe, early in this book, on being more empathetic and less judgmental seemed out of place, unnecessary, and insulting (was she shaming the shamers? Or shaming the people reading this book, already riddled with feelings of inadequacy, and already sensitive to the feelings of others? I have no idea). And from experience, sharing shame stories may be a great thing, but sometimes the sharer really needs a professional ear. No matter how well meaning we may be, we are not qualified to say or do the right things to encourage healing.
  
  Edit 2020: I've noticed the title of this book has changed. At the time of this review, the book was titled "I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame," hence my focus on (and repetitive use of) the word 'shame' :)
• 
  Heidi The Reader

  Researcher Brené Brown gives readers another self help title on how to handle the difficult emotion called shame.
  
  "This book offers information, insight and specific strategies for understanding shame and building "shame resilience." We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop the resilience we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experiences." pg xiv
  
  It's not easy to handle shame. In fact, it's not that easy to read about it.
  
  But Brown says the way through is sharing those uncomfortable feelings with others. One of the solutions to shame is empathy and another is self awareness.
  
  Other attributes shared by those with high shame resilience are:
  
  "The ability to recognize and understand their shame triggers. High levels of critical awareness about their shame web. The willingness to reach out to others. The ability to speak shame." pg 67
  
  Part of her work in psychology has been to define what shame is. Brown writes everyone has different triggers based on unique childhood and adult experiences. Therefore, it is impossible to name universal shame triggers which can make it difficult to study shame.
  
  Her studies have led her to believe the opposite of shame is self esteem, which was an interesting aspect I had never considered. Other aspects of shame include: feeling like you're not good enough or don't belong.
  
  Brown has discovered another hurdle in her research- it can be difficult to speak about shame as words sometimes fail us when we experience visceral feelings.
  
  "Sharing our shame with someone is painful, and just sitting with someone who is sharing his or her shame story with us can be equally painful." pg 147
  
  On a more positive note, Brown writes everyone has experienced this at some point or another. She uses this universality of experience to issue a clarion call for change. To foster shame resilience, we should build networks of support and be kind to each other by showing our own vulnerability. We're all in this together.
  
  And I couldn't agree more.
  
  Recommended for anyone who has ever felt shame. That's everybody.
• 
  Shannon

  A blogger friend mentioned Brene Brown after I wrote a blog post about vulnerability. My friend said in her comment that I was courageous, yet I'd written the post about how scary it was to be vulnerable. I was puzzled as to how that made me courageous. Then I read I Thought It Was Just Me and I understood better. Brown explains courage as the strength to speak your heart - and this type of courage is one of the key ways to develop and maintain shame resilience.
  
  As I read this book, I felt a bit like I did when I read
  In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development in college. Both times, I kept thinking, "It's not just me. I'm not crazy." This book made me realize I am not the only woman - not by a long shot - who struggles with shame. And it made me thankful that at least I'm aware of this struggle within me, so that I can begin to recognize my shame triggers and work towards resilience.
  
  If you read many of my Goodreads reviews, you may have noticed that I lean heavily towards fiction. Yet this is the second non-fiction book that has really captured my heart, mind and imagination. Brene Brown writes in a manner that is informative, conversational, authoritative and incredibly helpful. It made me see some of my own strength and it made me long to be someone who doesn't shame others and who tries to create an environment where shame dies instead of flourishing.
  
  If you have struggled with shame, if you have daughters you will be raising in this world that hope to shame them into being what the world wants them to be, if you just want to understand how to be a more loving, engaged, encouraging person, I highly recommend this book.
• 
  My_Strange_Reading

  #mystrangereading I Thought It Was Just Me by Brenè Brown ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
  
  As I have stated in every review I have ever posted about one of her books, Brown is amazing. I could listen to her speak all day and will read anything she writes. I love listening to her audiobooks the most because it’s like an extensive TED talk. This is why I was so disappointed that this book wasn’t recorded by her. It just wasn’t the same. 😔
  
  However, the content was still amazing. A little too research heavy with less of the storytelling aspect that I love—but the stories are present don’t you worry.
  
  She is inspiring, inclusive and teaches us so much about empathy and empowerment. I will love her forever.
• 
  Ed McKeogh

  Dr. Brene Brown and her work on shame and, as an outgrowth of that research, wholehearted living have taken off, shooting into the limelight due to some TED talks, a PBS special, some thought-provoking books and a recent guest appearance on Katie Couric's new show to promote her newest book. So, after reading and enjoying The Gifts of Imperfection, I went back and read this volume.
  
  Instead of a synopsis or thinly veiled attempt at sounding studious, I thought I'd extract a few quotes that, while written about and for a female audience, hit home for me and that I think are representative of the importance of the work presented in this volume. Though the things that trigger shame are different for men and women, the feelings are the same. However, there is great relief in understanding the experience is universally experienced (hence, the title).
  
  For example, this quote from a letter to Dr. Brown is one that I could have written myself: "...I learned to identify what I was feeling as shame.... I learned that I am very shame-based, that I had all of the 'symptoms' ... but never really related them to the concept of shame. It's kind of like having a lot of strange and disparate symptoms but not knowing what to attribute them to. If you don't know what the disease is, you can't treat it. When painful things happened, my face would flush, my stomach would tighten, and I would want to hide. But since the situations were all different, even though my reaction might be the same, I never could specifically identify the emotion I was feeling. So I never really could deal with it. ..." (p. 122)
  
  This description struck a nerve: "There is nothing more frustrating, and sometimes frightening, than feeling pain and not being able to describe or explain it to someone. It doesn't matter if it's physical pain or emotional pain. When we can't find the right words to express our painful experiences to others, we often feel alone and scared. Some of us may even feel anger or rage and act out. Eventually, many of us shut down and either live silently with the pain or, in cases where we can't, accept someone else's definition of what we are feeling simply out of the desperate need to find some remedy." (p. 155)
  
  As someone who wisely chose to reject some damaging expectations, I found a lot of truth echoed in this passage: "There are times when our feelings, thoughts and actions relate directly to our past or current struggles. But there are certainly times when they don't. The problem arises because, at some point, most of us begin to believe the expectations about who we're supposed to be, what we're supposed to look like, what we're supposed to do, how much we're supposed to be and how little we're supposed to be. We also develop a fear of rejecting those expectations. We constantly see evidence that if we do reject these expectations, we will experience very painful disconnections and rejection. So we internalize these expectations and they become an emotional prison. Shame stands guard." (p. 228)
  
  And this section put a spotlight on some areas in which I need to work: "Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us--it sabotages our efforts to be authentic. How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how others perceive us? How can we be honest with people about our beliefs and, at the same time, tell them what we think they want to hear? How do we stand up for what we believe in when we are trying to make everyone around us feel comfortable so they won't get angry and put us down?" (p. 242)
  
  I think it's important to note that even though this book is dense with information and was written about and for women, (1) it should be required reading for men because we all of us have at least one important woman in our lives and how we relate to her matters and (2) the paperback edition I read also featured some information on her follow-up research with men and boys that proves to be very illuminating.
  
  This book gets to the core of the story behind some of our stories, offers a vocabulary for expressing important feelings and ideas, connects some important dots between seemingly unconnected conditions, and maps out a course of action across some difficult terrain that leads to healing and wholeness. I'm grateful to have found this resource.
  
  
• 
  Mark Goodman

  I wanted to love this book because I love Brene Brown. Her podcast interviews with Tammie Simon and Krista Tippett as well as her TED talks have inspired me, changed me and touched me deeply. I find her to be an incredibly inspiring and courageous woman and I believe her research on Shame and vulnerability and full hearted living are changing and healing the world.
  
  That said, I was disappointed by this book. I am wondering whether she is a better teacher and storyteller and presenter than writer. I found the book had a lot of good ideas but it did not hold together as a coherent whole all that well. The writing lacked a sharp focus, wandered too much, and did not hold my attention and heart like her talks did. I also can see that the book was published before her TED talks so maybe something shifted for her as she did those talks and perhaps her more recent writing is better.
  
  Despite this, I so support her work in the world and her courage and choice t study the unknown and unexplored topic of shame.
  
  
• 
  Anne Bogel

  Brené Brown was just getting rolling with this, her first book. I give you permission to skip it if you promise to read Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection.
• 
  Matt

  After hearing her Tedx talk, I wanted to explore her work further. I think of my upbringing in an extremely strict religious cult, and realize I've witnessed and experienced the damage of a shame-based culture firsthand. Although the book was originally geared towards women, so far it seems universal enough that it's worth a read by men as well.
• 
  Caitlin

  Reading Brene Brown is like having someone standing in my face, shaking me, and saying, "You see that crazy thing you're doing? Stop it!"
• 
  Nina

  A must-read for us all. Can’t imagine there is anyone who can’t relate to it.
• 
  Ruby

  Mixed feelings on this one. Really, really mixed feelings. Probably the biggest feeling is this: Brene Brown seems to have a very white, middle class idea of what shame is. I would expect more from a social worker who has given TED talks. There was a lot about body image (admittedly, a big one for many), keeping up with the joneses, having immaculate children and so on. When Brene used herself as an example and said she was ashamed she didn't bake cookies for her kids' teacher, I thought, wow. This woman lives a charmed life. She offered up many core reasons for shame, but none were about poverty, or growing up in a home without a flushing toilet, or ramshackle houses, or illiteracy. I was thinking, there are so many people who will feel shut out of such a middle class description of shame, myself included. She talked about having a "shame network." Brene, there are a lot of lonely people out there who are going to feel even worse about themselves after reading your book.
  
  There were a few really brilliant insights, but overall, I was blown away by how sheltered this woman was, considering her area of research. I feel quite angry, actually.
• 
  Emma Sea

  From the blurb I did not expect so much of this would be about parenting. I felt like it was more about dealing with the feeling of being shamed by other people's comments, or what you think other people expect e.g. a woman forgetting to bring the cookies for her daughter's teacher appreciation day, then blaming her husband for it to avoid feeling like a bad mom. Or a woman having her credit card declined, then snapping at her kids in the car from the stress. The focus is definitely about external factors leading to shame, rather than about internally driven perfectionism. It did not address what to do when you don't meet your own expectations i.e. you're just not good enough at something yet to meet your own standards. However, because I skipped through a lot of it looking for stuff I could use maybe I missed the bits I actually needed. But I would not bother to go back again and look for it, because the mom examples are from such a different culture I could not relate to them.
• 
  Jennifer

  This is the third book I’ve read by Brené Brown and it might be my favorite. She has a down-to-earth way of writing that I just love.
  
  In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), Brené looks at the difference between shame and guilt, explores the triggers to these feelings, and how to recognize and overcome these strong emotions. She dives deep to get to the root of what triggers fear and shame within us and why we feel certain situations more strongly than others. She also discusses empathy: how to be empathic and the things that stand in our way of having empathy.
  
  I loved the layout and the progression of this book. It was well researched with many examples, cited sources, and suggested reading. The message and lessons in these pages are life altering. I highly recommend reading this book.
• 
  Sunshine Jeremiah

  I am absolutely in love with Brene Brown's brain. This book does an excellent job of defining shame (and as different from guilt, embarrassment, humiliation, and low-self-esteem). She sources where and how shame occurs and how to escape the immobilizing impact it can have on spirit and heart. It is story-filled rather than explicitly informative which makes her work accessible to most anyone.
  
  If you are a courageous person who appreciates the value of self-awareness and personal growth for individual and community, then this is a book for you.
• 
  Ana Stanciu-Dumitrache

  Ca de obicei, Brene Brown isi face cititorii sa simtă ca aparțin unui grup, sa isi împlinească aceasta nevoie atat de importantă de conectare prin simplul fapt ca, prin poveștile si cercetările ei, ii face sa realizeze ca nu li se întâmpla doar lor. Si asa este, avem cu totii aceleași nevoi, doar ca le împlinim diferit, in funcție de resursele noastre. Ce bine ne-ar fi daca, in loc sa criticam/judecam sau etichetam, am încerca doar sa ascultam si sa arătam empatie, in primul rând fata de noi.
• 
  Judy

  I have long enjoyed dipping into Brene Brown works, usually it is a section here or a page there as a library pick up or section detailed in an article or blog post. This is my first read of a complete work and I recommend the medium of an audio book for this.
  I had a non-thinking task of sorting through multiple packets of photos from my dad's life to select a number to use in a book I am making to assist the staff in his care facility to know who he is, so it was a perfect audio-book day.
  Shame. This is the subject.
  Focused on women.
  Focusing on ages and stages of life
  Even focusing on the shame that we take on board/adopt/feel when we find ourselves in carer roles for ageing loved ones. I was surprised, and grateful to have this discussed.
  I have several points and thoughts to ponder in regard to myself. Well worth the read.
  Yes, I recommend it to anyone. Yes I recommend the audio-book version.
• 
  Kelsey

  This is the second book I have read by this author, and found it just as insightful as the first book I read. I'm not a fan of the title (although that might just be my own 'shame' seeping through), this is an important book for people to read concerning the topic of shame and how it affects us and our relationships with the rest of the world. Well-written and heavily researched, Dr. Brown does an excellent job of laying out a convincing argument for her Shame Resilience Theory and how we can combat shame with empathy. Definitely recommend this book!
• 
  James Thomas

  Read it, re-read it and read it again!
  
  I didn't just learn a great deal about women and the particular struggles women go through, but I learned so much about communication and where I fall short, and how I can grow. The topic of shame is one so little discussed but in this brilliant book it is explored but an expert from every angle. I think this should be read in all schools everywhere by everyone!
• 
  Anais Guerra

  Consultas são caras, os livros são mais baratos. Brené Brown é a minha psicóloga , simplesmente ainda não sabe.
  
  Aconselho o trabalho dela 200%
• 
  Judy Phin

  I'm in two minds about this audiobook. First of all of I am a big fan of Brown, so it was a little disappointing to start listening and realise that someone else was reading it (she was great... I just found that I really enjoyed listening to the passion in Browns voice, she almost becomes a friend through her books in a weird way).
  
  Secondly, the reason I was in two parts about this book is because; as the title suggests, there are a lot of different accounts of Shame through people that Brown has interviewed, throughout the book you hear their stories, all the different places in which people feel shame, this was beautiful in a sense that it does lift you out of your own corner of shame and isolation, it also gave voice to emotions that I was feeling that I could not articulate myself. Listening to all the different subtleties of Shame as well really bring into light how much of a Shame Web we actually can find ourselves in without even realising it.
  
  Now the part of the book that I was constantly feeling weird about was actually how much negativity it brought into my mind, of course awareness is good, but as I am listening to this, I'm constantly hearing first person stories ie. "I am not enough", "I don't deserve love" etc. I understand that this is to hear another persons perspective, but I have been listening to a lot of Positive Affirmations lately and also realising the Power of the 'I am' statements, listening to this book made me a little wary of what my subconscious was taking in.
  
  Other than that, I love Browns work, I love the message that she conveys, always a fan and always looking forward to more of her content!
• 
  Tami

  It seems like the epidemic that no one wants to talk about. We all try to put this perfect face out to the world. Really, I am the perfect mother, my house is completely clean, I am fulfilled in my job, I am financially successful, I am a perfect size two, I have plenty of time to connect on a deeper level with my loving husband, and I have tons of friends who I share my every thought. Well, that's what we think we should be. The truth just doesn't always match our expectations.
  
  The problem is that somewhere along the line we lost sight of the fact that humans are perfect and our lives are often filled with reality. Try as we might, we are going to eat that cookie (or the whole bag) and gain three pounds. Our chaotic schedule is going to get the better of us and we are going to forget to bake cupcakes for the school bake sale.
  
  I Thought It Was Just Me looks at the topic of shame. For many of us, during those moments when reality doesn't match our fantasy image of ourselves, we feel shame. Shame goes beyond simple embarrassment or irritation. Shame is a form of self abuse where we berate ourselves for not being perfect.
  
  I Thought It Was Just Me is an important book that reminds us all that to be human is to err. Maybe it's time we all stopped trying to be everything to everyone and just tried to be ourselves. Maybe it's time we all tried being kind, compassionate, and loving (to others and to ourselves).
  
• 
  #AskMissPatience

  If you're ashamed of feeling shame or ever wish to have a depth of compassion for others suffering, Brene’ Brown’s I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) may be the read for you.
  
  Mostly on Overdrive app audio loaned on Kindle found myself visually reading along and mostly listening before bed.
  
  I've read and heard Ms Brown speak on this topic often. The core of what I've learned about shame comes when someone personalized they're bad for what has occurred verses this was an action of the individual or someone else that impacts the recipients interpretation.
  
  I forget what other book or talk I’d first heard this. For me, someone who doesn't personalize what's happened. I think this made recognizing personal shame a little tougher if at all.
  
  This said, I've never met anyone who didn't experience shame at one time or another. I've met some people who seem to play life safely to avoid shame, but find it anyway.
  
  I've loved a friend who drowned in shame and ultimately lost them due to serious drug addiction.
  
  Shame is like a personal self-harm assistant. If this resembles you are someone you know check this book out. Full of others on the struggle bus including Ms. Brown.
  
  Everything from work to parenting and all types of hurts in between.
  
  I'm glad I read this. I think it's helped my empathy meter, too.
  
  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️💯
  
  
• 
  Kate

  I learned a lot about myself reading this book. It was hard and powerful, and I think all my other high-achieving perfectionist female friends would benefit from the self-study also. I think that I will have to re-read parts of it to help me in the future. It is not a quick and easy self help book, but the kind that sparks a journey and a lot of work.
  
  When I finished, I moved on to Brown's other book, "The Gifts of Imperfection," and got a lot out of that one also. This book was a zoomed in view of how I am now, and T G of I was a study of how people live better that I hope to grow into in the future.
  
  As mentioned, this book is definitely written about women and for women and the people who support them. Men might find better self reflection in a different book. Masculine shame is only briefly touched upon here.
• 
  Moh. Nasiri

  زندگی تاب آورانه کتابی است درباره زندان شرم
  
  لینک کتاب باز با دکتر شکوری
  
  https://www.instagram.com/tv/CG9iPfin...