| Title | : | Coming Out Like a Porn Star: Essays on Pornography, Protection, and Privacy |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 0990557162 |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9780990557166 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 320 |
| Publication | : | First published September 1, 2015 |
"This revealing, moving, and often surprising collection lets you go deep inside the lives of generations of porn stars and explicit performers. It’s an absolute must-read for anyone interested in sex industry politics, sex-positive culture, and porn studies — and for anyone whose friend, lover, or family member has taken their pants off in front of a camera. One after the other, these memoirs add up to a powerful, if ironic, conclusion: Porn stigma is the biggest problem many adult performers face, and it is at least as likely to come from our feminist moms as from prudish conservatives. Once you’ve heard the clear, articulate voices of these porn stars, you’ll never look at a sex movie, or the people who make it happen, the same way again."
— Carol Queen, PhD and author of Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture
Coming Out Like a Porn Star: Essays on Pornography, Protection, and Privacy Reviews
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Everybody wants to look at porn, nobody wants a pornstar (or performer, or cammer, or clipmaker, stripper, dominatrix or full service sex worker) as their daughter, son, mother, father--partner. Sometimes not even as a friend.
Porn (and sexual services in general) are a true cultural elephant in the room: they are sooo ubiquitious--so pervasive--so oft-consumed (and so casually) and so regularly--by so many-- but many people still want to see sex workers as wall-eyed trafficked teenagers or addicts plunged into a desperate line of work to feed their unending need.* The thought that someone could CHOOSE--without desperation-- to become a sex worker? Impossible! They're not ordinary people like you and me. : /
/sarcasm
*coughs* This is a wonderful book showcasing story after story of ordinary people who for whatever reason--sexual liberation, a desire to fill a niche vacuum, or simply to pay a bill-- decided to go into porn. Some are queer, some are straight. Some are trans, some are cis. Some are men, some are women, some are neither, or another gender entirely. Some did porn as a limited gig, some made it a lifelong career path. A few found it disheartening--a much more overwhelming majority found it fulfilling, flexible WORK. A job, like any other job we go to, to pay our bills.
Some created a porn persona that was destroyed once they decided to leave the industry---a few said fuck it, and did their sex work entirely under their legal names. And all had an interesting story to answer the oft-asked question: So do your parents know? What does your mom think?
*To be sure, trafficking and addiction (and the stigmatization of addiction!!) is an issue in the sex industry (as various abuses and workers' abuses run rampant in many other industries, sadly.... However, the answer to abused fruit-pickers is not--stop eating fruit! Abolish this job that gives these people income! The answer is, protect fruit pickers and make their jobs safer.... But i digress....) -
(Somewhat NSFW, but if you're too young to be reading this review, you're probably too young to be on my profile.)
I had it in my head that after finishing this book I would say something like: "Coming Out is a compilation of remarkably vulnerable, surprisingly intelligent pieces by those affiliated with the porn industry..."; it's only now I'm realizing that the unwise phrasing of that sentence is exactly why this book was written in the first place. I mean, why wouldn't these essays be intelligent? It is this negative stigma of porn which we have ingrained within us that is the reason this book is so important, and something that Jiz Lee and all of Coming Out's contributors are actively fighting against.
Coming Out Like a Porn Star is an extremely important piece of commentary not just on the porn industry but on both society and the people within it. Although by no means an all-encompassing collection of accounts (and really, they admit this themselves; they never fail to let us know that although they have experienced denigration, isolation and the like, they are still fortunate for being somewhat privileged in respect to their skin color or sexual orientation), it is an astonishingly humble spectrum of individuals who present a range of recollections as to how they 'came out' about their profession or association. All, notably, are positive and without regret. As somebody for whom the porn industry has always represented a tantalizingly 'forbidden' underground of lust and intrigue (and someone who is also a former Catholic school attendee, go figure), it is a challenge but also an insatiably glorious feeling to be as open about sexuality as I am today, contradicting the lifestyle with which I was raised. Coincidentally, this attitude resembles many of the people who appear in this book, in that sex-positivity yields a far happier lifestyle where one can be free of secrets and fully enjoy what life has to offer. Coming Out is a celebration of such expression, with many performers expressing just how empowering the industry can be, even with its disadvantages. I'm so proud to live in a time when queer porn is an actual genre, however niche, and where there are actual places I can go to look at real lesbian porn; it's an example of just how much the industry is changing for the good. I'd encourage anyone to pick up this book and digest it for the genius that it is, as I feel like we can learn so much from it as both individuals and as a society. Many performers describe their aspirations for a better world for both themselves as well as their friends or relatives to live in, and hope that they are furthering the creation of such within their work. I believe they are making huge strides coming forward to contribute to such a collection, and they have my full respect. It's not only a delight to read such raw, vulnerable accounts of these people but also a pleasure to learn about such remarkably intelligent and ambitious individuals. I love it.
Note: My one, ONE critique is that certain performers didn't get a lot of pages, which I guess is their own doing in what they decided to submit. I also would've loved to have seen some other performers make an appearance like April Flores, Lily Labeau or Sinn Sage, whom I adore. But I guess beggars can't be choosers, or at least, not in certain videos. -
Nothing But Respect
I name dropped this collection in another review I wrote for a novel named "Empire of Illusion" by journalist Chris Hedges. He has some pretty hardline remarks regarding the sex industry and it caused quite a few feathers to become ruffled in the comments. I argued that the porn industry has it's problems and there's some serious topics that need discussion about it's affect on this generation, and any following generations to come. I also argued however, that if there was any flip side to a topic being thought upon, then this book was that 'flip'.
Coming Out Like A Pornstar should be read by anyone who wants to understand the NUANCES of the porn industry. It is the nuances of any topic that should be engaged in if anyone takes said topic seriously. By nuances in this example, I am not referring to a porn guru dishing out advise on work technicalities, business tips or even how a porn set is run. I am referring to the PEOPLE who actually work in the industry. Not only that, but individuals who come from a huge variety of backgrounds all over the world. Ultimately, it is their voice being heard in this book - raw, with no filler, no bullshit - and that is why I rate it very highly.
As such, this essay collection is very likely to open your mind to all the different reasons why people enter this industry, as well as discover how many people DO NOT come from disparaging backgrounds full of hate and horror. True, those stories do exist, and there are some present in these pages, but ultimately I was overwhelmingly surprised with the sheer complexity as to why people magnetized towards porn.
This is obviously by no means a bible on the topic, and should really be added as a supplement to other books on the subject. However, it does do a good job of cutting through any removed, alien, doctrinal thesis on porn anyone might propose as a "proper way" of looking at the subject.
On a side note, this isn't a hard book to read. None of the stories are difficult to digest in terms of vocabulary or topic. However, the sheer volume of contributors presented to the reader, and the fact that many of these stories are quite similar in subject, lead to my reading speed and interest slowing considerably over time.
It would be an incredible disservice to the people who laid their stories and lives out in the open in this compilation to merely dismiss this as a low grade, monotonous collection of "coming out" stories (yes it's in the title, but that's the tip of the iceberg). What is presented to the reader-to-be is well written and often humorous set of stories that will allow said reader a real chance to get up close and personal with the true behind the scenes aspect of the industry. -
This book is, of course, about porn, but it's also about pride, identity, family and grappling with how one's chosen profession or avocation plays out amongst the rest of your life. There are a lot of stories here about coming out to family members; sometimes it goes well, sometimes less so. Often, how others react changes over time. One thing is for sure: if you think you know what it's like to be a porn star or a porn director or creator, this book is sure to enlighten you, because it doesn't just offer one answer or perspective, but numerous ones. You'll read about those driven from an early age to take off their clothes for the cameras, and others, like feminist director Erika Lust, who were driven to create new kinds of images onscreen from what they were seeing.
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A gut-punch of a book - a collection of coming out testimonials, essays, narratives of people working and performing in the sex industry or pornography and their unique struggles advocating for sexual liberation and expression! I was blown-away by these incredible, amazing people who endured the stigma and discrimination by their chosen endeavors. It's not easy to be a porn star. And there's more to it than the scenes it portrays on screen or camera. It's fascinating and ironic how many people who consumed so much porn in the privacy of their rooms or homes to satisfy their urges are the very same people who stigmatized these performers as unclean, morally deranged and damaged people. Come freakin' on, give me a break!
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This is a really interesting collection of essays from porn stars writing about their experiences in the adult industry and coming out to people about their profession. There are over 50 different contributors and they cover a wide array of experiences and identities. People of color, queer people, trans people, and people with disabilities are present in the contributors.
This is probably going to sound like a bunch of double entendres, so I’ll just lean into it. The essays that were longer in length were more fulfilling reads. They were able to give more background information so the reader could get to know the performer and their process of coming out or deciding to not come out to friends and family. Some of the essays that were shorter, like only 1 or 2 pages in length, didn’t quite go deep enough. I think all of the essays presented unique views and experiences. However, having so many contributors did mean that everyone didn’t get the same amount of page space to share their stories.
It was also interesting to see different sides of the adult industry be represented. There were people who did feminist porn, BDSM porn, cam shows, trans porn, and people who have been in the industry for decades. This was published in 2015, so it isn’t the most current. It would be interesting to see more essays from performers now talking specifically about how free porn sites or sites like OnyFans impact their careers.
I would recommend reading this if you’re interested in learning more about the lives that porn stars have outside of filming and the different ups and downs that come from their profession. -
Coming Out Like a Porn Star. The title says it all, but this is no doom-and-gloom book, full of sad and angry anecdotes about porn stars being shunned and marginalized for their profession. Yes, there are some heartbreaking stories here, but even more are surprising, inspiring, and even amusing. What they all have in common, however, is their ability to humanize a wider stigmatized community - and to do so honestly.
Jiz Lee’s own story is one of past hurts and future fears, but with a compassionate core of understanding and support. Genderqueer and poly, Jiz talks about how coming out is a process that never really ends. As friends and family become more aware of your work, they also become more aware of your sexual practices and fetishes – it is one thing to know your child is a porn star, but it’s another to know they’re into hardcore BDSM.
Bella Vendetta has a fascinating tale to share, being a classically trained professional lifestyle Dominatrix. She talks about the difference between coming out to parents, your kids, your doctor, your boyfriend, and your banker – and how it changes the way people treat you. No matter how much of your extended family you might lose, however, she praises the adult industry for being “filled with open, loving folks who also want a chosen family.”
Chelsea Poe is a writer, director, porn performer, and trans activist who has led the charge against the term “shemale” in trans porn. She actually came out to her mom before ever setting foot on set, shifting the worry from acceptance to stereotypes. Performing allowed her to express her gender in a positive way, to live out her fantasies, and be proud about being queer. Her relationship with her mom isn’t perfect, but it’s full of love for who Chelsea is, and respect for what she does.
Cyd Nova works at a peer run clinic for sex workers when he’s not directing gay FTM porn for Bonus Hole Boys. He talks about being rejected for being transgender, and about covering his tracks regarding sex work long before that initial coming out. Sex work made him feel powerful and independent, and his body was his tool. Like Bella, he also talks about sex workers being a family, but counters that with sorrow for a society that considers it acceptable for families to “take away their love for their child because of a choice that they make.”
Drew Deveaux is a trans woman who has had to come out as queer, as disabled, and as a porn star. There’s so much about her identity that she’s had to choose to disclose, “coming out as a porn star isn’t as big a deal as you might think.” She talks of disclosure as it relates to her career on and off she screen, and of coming out as an ongoing process. For her, porn is about “activism through the creation of imagery” with that imagery being her body.
Emma Claire is a transsexual sex worker who is currently producing and directing TransLesbians.com, which is dedicated to hardcore trans lesbian sex. Her coming out experience is layered by the years, the experiences, and the traumas behind it. As she puts it, “coming out has never been so much as an end goal as much of a continuous process - a kind of evolution/devolution of my body and self.” Ultimately, coming out as a sex worker is superseded by celebrating herself as a trans woman and a dyke, with her career a fine line pushing boundaries while protecting herself.
Tobi Hill-Meyer is a multiracial trans woman, adult performer, and experienced consultant for feminist and LGBTQ organizations. Growing up in a feminist household, her exposure to porn began (as mine did) with a floppy disc of “grainy downloaded photos” and a “printout of sci-fi BDSM stories.” Her coming out to the wider family was entirely accidental, and actually quite comical, but also supportive. Tobi’s focus has always been on making porn better, culminating in her erotic trans woman documentary series Doing It Online (
Patreon.com/DoingItOnline)
There are far more performers who’ve chosen to share their stories in the book – I’ve simply selected some of those that are most relevant and identifiable for me (and, I suspect, for reads of Transformation). It’s a wonderful collection, with enough diversity to keep it from getting at all repetitive. As you’re reading through it, though, take a few moments to pay attention to the biographies of each star. They, more than anything, reveal what a wonderfully diverse word we live in. They may all be sex workers on screen, but off screen they’re gamers, rock climbers, novelists, nurses, and more, with degrees from universities across North America.
Not only that, but many of them are parents themselves, and learning how they’ve raised their children to embrace the openness they may not have always experienced is what’s truly inspirational.
Originally reviewed for
Transformation Magazine -
Editor Jiz Lee has put together a fantastic collection here. They have acknowledged that they didn’t manage to hit all the possible demographics and all the potential perspectives, but I can’t believe this is for lack of trying. This collection, while tied together under the theme of “coming out”, covers much more than just whether or how the contributors told their families about their porn careers. For the most part the essays come across as authentic and personal, crossing generations, ethnicity, and gender identities (though trending a bit towards current and younger performers), and including the experiences of photographers, film makers, academics and educators whose lives in porn don’t necessarily include (or include anymore) taking their clothes off and having sex for the camera themselves.
Only a few essays are listed as outright anonymous, though one essayist wrote under the pen name Jaffe Ryder (a Dharma Bums fan, perhaps?). Most authors submitted under their porn names, a few under their given names, and another few under both. The Name is a big topic because whether a chosen porn name is part of the fantasy come-on (Jack Hammer or Denali Winters) or a plausible alternative (Connor Habib or Dale Cooper) most of the essays that touch on privacy touch on the issue of The Name as a thing that serves, however tenuously, as a veil against being stalked or outed. Being stalked, being at the mercy of someone who objects to pornography enough to willfully attempt to threaten performers’ jobs, housing, or child custody is a thread that cuts through a majority of the essays and colors why and how people have made their decisions to “come out” and to whom. And, in a very similar story to what LGBT+ people have long said, there’s never just one instance of “coming out”… it’s something that happens repeatedly as they travel amongst different groups (family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, employers, and on and on) and the more labels that can be applied, the more “coming out” opportunities present themselves.
Coming out like a porn star is a first step toward dismantling some of that age-old shame behavior and I’m all for it. Bottom line: I highly recommend this book. -
Coming out is never a straightforward process. Lee’s collection of essays offers a nuanced, heartfelt, and incredibly honest look at what it means to come to terms with a highly public, incredibly sexual identity within the bounds of one’s private life.
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Incredibly humanizing set of essays written by porn actors and directors. In turns poignant, sweet, surprising, and unwaveringly unashamed, nearly all of these essays have something to offer an outsider in terms of perspective on an oft criticized and stigmatized industry.
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You know what, I was never aware of any prejudices I had regarding sex work (I hadn't really given it a whole lot of thought), but I will admit that this essay collection made me realise that yeah, I did.
I certainly think of myself as liberal person and I wouldn't have begrudged a person for working in the sex industry before reading these essays. The big difference for me now, having read the collection, is that I have a much greater understanding of the industry and have dispelled some misconceptions. The collection is by no means exhaustive, which only speaks to the limits of my knowledge about the industry pre-reading.
The stories in this collection are obviously focused on coming out as a sex worker. And with over fifty contributors, there is a really wide array of content. I really liked the idea of coming out as the central theme to the collection, as something that gave it focus. It allowed for each writer to approach the topic in any way they wished, and that's where I really learned something, because every essay was so different. I hadn't expected to learn so much about the industry: how it works, how it's changing, why these contributors became a part of it, how it changed their lives etc. For example, I wasn't previously aware of the the focus of many within the industry on making more ethical porn content and creating more diverse content (porn being, as it is, the primary form of sex education for many people). This topic and others were amongst the many that I found so interesting amongst these essays.
I don't really have much more I can say about this collection in a review without spiralling on for paragraphs. What I will say: Coming Out Like a Porn Star has taught me a lot and I'm interested to understand this topic better and to engage in discussions about the innumerable ideas brought up in the collection. Of course, essay to essay, the 'literary' quality of the essays wavered, but I was reading the collection for education, not literature. If you're at all interested in the porn industry, if you feel like you don't know much about it (me!), if you want to challenge your views and learn something, then absolutely read this. As I said, I didn't have negative thoughts about the porn industry before (I didn't have many thoughts about it), but this collection challenged me in the best of ways. -
Received via Edelweiss in exchange for a fair review.
The title of this book both perfectly sums it up, and can't even come close to encompassing the stories within the pages.
I first ran across the name Jiz Lee while reading
Best Sex Writing of the Year: The Year's Most Challenging and Provocative Essays on the Subject of Sex. As with all of the other authors in that (and this) book, I had never heard of them before. But, again, like all of the other authors, I loved their story, and their writing style. So, when I realized this book was edited by them, I was more than a little excited to read it.
I've sort of gotten into the habit of trying to find the perfect quote to put at the top of my GR reviews. But the serious magnitude of highlighted passages in this book is daunting, and I decided to just quietly set the phone down and write the damn review.
These stories are exactly what the tin says. Stories of how various adult entertainers came out to their friends, families, nosy strangers and occasionally their employers about their work having orgasms for money.
I say having orgasms because these are not your stereotypical, dead eyed, screaming fake orgasm porn performers. The vast majority of these writers clearly enjoy(ed) every minute of their work. And that makes the stories all the better for it.
Performers, directors, producers. Gender queer, gender fluid, trans, dominatrixes (dominatrixi?), one queercrip (that's a new one for me!). Every color of the rainbow represented, and telling their story, and it is such a glorious collection of people that I need to be friends with immediately.
These are not just stories of coming out as a porn star. So many of these people liken revealing their chosen profession to revealing their sexual and gender identities. Some of these stories are really heartbreaking in that respect, while others put check marks firmly in the "Awesome Parenting" column.
It is rarely simple to truly and completely reveal yourself to friends and loved ones. Especially if your identity does not conform to society's expectation of how you are supposed to behave. None of these people want to behave, and that's what makes their stories so great.
Along with "basic" (basic?) coming out stories, you also have tales of what I consider horror. Of revealed identities, of other people breaking the author's silence. Of the leak of porn star identities, of very real concerns about losing custody of children. One story of a lost career, the story of which I read with mounting rage at the serious injustice.
This is such a fantastic read for anyone. Erm, okay, anyone above a certain age. Sex positivity, yay, but I can't recommend this for all ages.... This is a wonderful read for anyone, whether you think sex work is degrading, whether you're iffy on the issue of Transgender rights, whether you're constantly getting gender pronouns wrong (guilty, but I am getting better). Read this book, and see if it doesn't change your mind a little. Maybe a lot.
The subject matter is not graphic, let's knock that concern out. There is no hatred towards sexual conservatives, no preaching that everyone should get naked and have orgies (though I suspect some authors would be cool with that proclamation). The only objection could possibly be reading a book with that cover in public. That scenario may be the only time I ever recommend reading an ebook.
This book may not look like everyone's cup of tea, but it should be. Heavy stuff, written well, with honesty and heart.
And occasional spankings. -
Honestly, this is a five-star book and a must-read. I love this freaking book. It may actually open your mind, enlighten you, and change your ideas for the better, and it's just good reading. It's much better edited and curated than most anthologies I've read. So that's why it pained me to have to subtract a star for the biphobia (in the form of bi erasure) that slapped me in the face on the very first page.
Dr. Mireille Miller-Young writes in her foreword that "[t]he idea of 'coming out of the shadows' became a rallying point for gays, lesbians, transvestites, and transgender folk in the 1960s...." and goes on to talk about Stonewall.
Seriously? Miller-Young obviously knows in the back of her head that there should be at least four groups there. Let's see... gays, lesbians, transgender and.... oh, yeah, transvestites!
If Jiz Lee were as mediocre an editor as many who put out these types of anthologies, I wouldn't hold her responsible for this. She's a GREAT editor, though. It's a GREAT BOOK. Go out and buy it! It might change your life. Just skip that first damned page. -
This is an excellent collection of experiences. I felt that this book equipped me with better tools to see the world. Each essay is the perfect length, I never felt like I was dragged into anything too academic, which is a useful lens but tends to use language that doesn't resonate with a large amount of readers. The essays are accessible and direct, going right to the heart of things. What I found most valuable was getting first-hand accounts of experiences so far from my own, yet similar in the way those struggles are faced.
The range of stories is great, I enjoyed that San Francisco was a recurring location for many of the essays. The compilation offers a good insight into the sex industry in America, but what I really found valuable were the very real characters that I have a better sense of now.
Very much required reading. The kind that does great benefit to expanding world views. -
This one is a bit of a mixed bag, probably like all essay collections. Some texts are just great, some a bit dull. I think the biggest problem is the sheer number of texts and their ordering.
As the texts are alphabetically sorted by author, you will get very similar stories again and again, making you wonder "didn't I read this one already?". I think using less different texts and somehow ordering them in a larger narrative would have tremendously improved the whole book.
More like 3.5 stars I'd say, but as it's an important book I'm more than happy to round up to 4. Especially as lots of trans and queer performers are featured, giving their perspectives.
Oh, and did you know what great students Lynn Margulis had, now I know!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/connerhabib/w...
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This is overall an excellent collection featuring a diverse range of voices and perspectives on (well, what do you expect?) coming out as someone involved in porn. It feels like a necessary read, and there's a lot to chew on especially the idea of privacy. Part of me wonders if this collection would look different if it focused on people entering the industry now, because my hunch is that the vitriolic online mobs are more common now. But of course it would look different! And it would be as valuable.
There are a few rough points and some places where the book would have benefited from editing, but in general this is a vital book. It made me laugh, made me sad, made me angry, and most of all, made me read lines from it aloud to friends. -
This is a fantastic anthology brought together by legendary genderqueer porn star Jiz Lee. This collection is, at its core, a coming-together of brilliant pornographers and porn stars (tho I'll admit some bias) that have re-thought and re-made porn for the 21st century.
This is as much an anthology of what being a queer and/or feminist porn creator is like as it is an anthology of individual coming-out accounts. Alternatingly personal and provocative, theoretical and introspectional, a must-read for any and all interested in the understanding (from those making the work itself!!!) the changing face of sex work and pornography in this digital age. -
“Porn exists in a kind of parallel universe, a shadowy underground. When you force something—anything—into the shadows and underground, you make it easier for bad things to happen, and you make it a lot harder for good things to happen.” (Cindy Gallop)
content/trigger warnings; discussions of coming out, outing, coming out related rejection, sex, sex work, kink, slut shaming, whorephobia, sexism, misogyny, racism, transphobia, homophobia, fatphobia, ableism, workplace harassment, workplace discrimination, harassment, stalking, doxxing, physical child abuse, emotional child abuse, kidnapping, alcoholism, drug abuse, addiction, rape, molestation, sexual violence, eating disorders, depression, suicidal ideation,
This collection is a great look into how porn stars/sex workers feel about their work and how it’s changed their lives for the better, the world’s perception of what they do and how that materially affects their lives, coming out (or not) and the positive and negative responses, and the devastation of being outed and having people use their work to defend the violation of their privacy. There’s lot of kink and queerness and discussions of porn around that and some porn stars of color and disabled porn stars who discuss the racism and ableism they face within the porn world. It’s an interesting collection of essays and I’m glad to have read it.
In the introduction there’s a paragraph about what coming means and a summary of history behind it, which I feel leaves out some important tidbits, such as: “coming out” wasn’t always about queer people announcing their queerness to non-queer people or society, or a way of standing up against oppression. As a play on a young woman “coming out” into society through debutante balls, in a queer context, “coming out” in the 1920s referenced a queer person’s introduction or initiation into the queer world, the queer community. By the 1950s, it referenced a queer person’s first same sex experience, and by the 1970s, announcing queerness to non-queer loved ones. “The critical audience to which one came out had shifted from the gay world to the straight world.” (source: Gay New York by George Chauncey)
Note: I’m vocal about being rubbed the wrong way when “coming out” language is used for things other than queerness, like in fiction (“coming out” to someone as some kind of supernatural creature, for example) or for something mundane your parents might not approve of (like a piercing, tattoo, college choice, etc.). But revealing one's involvement in sex work, past or present, threatens a person’s life, livelihood, career, family, etc., so this use of language that has a history of pain and oppression is absolutely warranted.
A few tiny things that annoy me: in one essay “he or she” is used 10 times in 9 sentences. Y’all “they” is RIGHT THERE. USE IT. Another author says “I am the first person to love a bisexual—most of my best friends are bi.” What? And the phrases “out yourself” and “nonconsensual outing” are used and it’s a pet peeve of mine because nonconsensual outing is redundant, outing by nature is nonconsensual. One author mentions how porn actors were paid per sex act and adds “which, I’m sorry, just feels to me like being paid like a hooker” which seems like an unnecessary dig at other sex workers.
Some quotes:
“Sex work is one of the only professions where workers must choose whether to admit their status, and if they do, are potentially subject to merciless harassment and stalking, the release of their personal data online, the loss of custody of their children, and the foreclosure of opportunities for other kinds of work.” (Dr. Mireille Miller-Young)
“Although society may think of porn performers as some sort of ‘damaged enemy against the moralistic good,’ it is actually the stigma from having performed that proves to do the greatest harm and is our largest obstacle. If we are to overcome these cultural roadblocks and gain rights for sex workers, it is precedent that we create a dialogue that stands firmly on the fact that people who chose to perform in porn are no different than anyone else. If all people are to achieve universal sexual, gender, and reproductive freedoms, it will be through the undoing of the very same stigmas, the sex shaming and victimization, that is found in porn and sex work at large.” (Jiz Lee)
“Coming out about porn sometimes isn’t too different than coming out as queer and/or trans. Parents can have strong reactions out of fear. They are concerned for our safety; they accuse us of drug use or assume that something must have happened when we were younger to make us this way. The misconception that we are victims incapable of sexual agency mirrors that of coming out as nonnormative gender expression and sexual orientations.” (Jiz Lee)
“When I first came out to my family about working in porn, I tried to play up what I understood as more socially acceptable performances. [...] We’re all affected by whorephobia spectrums of sex worker stigmas; when coming out like a porn star, it doesn’t help to throw other kinds of porn or sex work under the bus.” (Jiz Lee)
“Regardless of the outcome, all the experiences shared in this book reflect the social stigmas of a culture whose sexual maturity is still in an awkward phase of adolescence. Where media outlets and public opinion continue to portray a negative, one-sided view of porn and its participants, our stories reveal a more honest depiction. We write at a time when sexual knowledge is typically buried in shame, fear, and ignorance. Where hate crimes against people whose gender and sexual expression differ from a strictly defined template are alarming statistics; the suicide and murder of trans women of color in particular are screaming indicators that something in our understanding of sex and gender is clearly amiss. If our experiences of sexual stigma and its intersections are any indicator of the social inequity of our time, may our words be stepping-stones for increased sexual awareness and nuances to come. And may we come out on top.” (Jiz Lee)
“Each time, I’m met with a mixture of wonder and disappointment: turns out, folks want to hear a story. Not just any story, either—they want to hear about secrecy, about living a double life, about navigating awkward situations. They want to know how my parents reconciled themselves with it, how I was ever able to find conventional employment, and how many partners I’ve lost as a result. They make their own assumptions about how condemned my life must be. In doing so, no matter how sincere their intentions, they set the sex-worker rights movement back exponentially.” (Andre Shakti)
“I find that when you approach a supposedly radical issue (queerness, nonmonogamy, atheism, gender nonconformity) with the same nonchalance as you would a less controversial topic (accounting, marriage, cooking, the weather), you give the other party permission to treat it with the same accepting ambivalence.” (Andre Shakti)
“That’s all I ever aim to do: present people with sound reason to doubt their prejudice. Give them complexity and nuance to sharpen their naïveté.” (Andre Shakti)
“Feeling at peace with who and what we are can be a process. Working on ourselves and how we feel about what we do can take some time. Coming out is an ongoing process, not a singular event.” (Annie Sprinkle)
“Sex workers are some of the most highly stigmatized people, and I really think when people can relate real people to being sex workers, that stigma will slowly go away and create a more positive space for sex workers.” (Chelsea Pope)
“A talk show host recently told my girlfriend (also a performer) and I—on national television—that he looked at us ‘differently’ as soon as he heard that we did porn. It wasn’t viewed as a controversial thing to say. My girlfriend and I were the controversy.” (Christopher Zeischegg)
“This is the real grip of the painful coming-out narrative. It interrupts the concept that certain types of love are unconditional. In our society, it is considered acceptable for someone’s family to decide to take away their love for their child because of a choice they make.” (Cyd Nova)
“What’s also rather irksome is the way that coming-out stories focus on how others ‘handle’ our ‘secrets,’ how they are able to manage the arduous burden of bearing the weight of all that we’ve told them. And this is sort of messed up. In telling coming-out stories, there is a nearly ubiquitous focus on the, let’s just call them ‘comee’ (the person to whom one is coming out), their reactions to coming-out stories and their ability to and deftness with which they ‘handle’ the truths of the ‘comer’ (the one who’s actually coming out).” (Drew DeVeau)
“In telling coming-out stories, I think it’s more interesting to hear the stories of the comer, of what makes them come out, to whom, and when, of what makes them unique, and how they feel about that which makes them different but which also makes them special. I want to hear the stories of how they came out to themselves—how they made a decision to accept that they may be into other women, or other men, or getting tied up by their genderqueer escort lover, or when they decided that yes, shooting porn is something they really want to do, it’s actually something they have to do, and why the hell did they wait so long to do this. It’s these stories that I choose to tell because it’s these stories that I want to hear.” (Drew DeVeau)
“I can’t underscore enough that there is a difference between feeling shame about our work and having this be a reason to not come out, and of not coming out because of the stigma and misconceptions laid upon us by others.” (Drew DeVeau)
“For every choice there are a thousand reasons, and stereotypes come from a first choice made by one person at some point.” (D.R.)
“What if I concerned myself more with coming in to me than on how to best come out to you?” (Gala Vanting)
“Echoing Nic Bravo’s critique of National Coming Out Day in her blog, Stick Up for Yourself, Son, ‘Coming Out is based on a presumption of being able to pass as normal, as cis/straight/binary/whatever. The focus on Coming Out narratives belies the existence of queers who *really* exist on the margins, who don’t get to come out because they read as abnormal all the time.’” (Loree Erickson)
“Being out and proud is a strategy of visibility and activism; it fosters community and belonging, but it is also, for me, a necessity. I am too tired to hide my ‘lifestyle’ because it makes you feel more comfortable. Why should I?” (Zahra Stardust) -
Jiz Lee's book is an excellent anthology of over 55 short stories written by people in the adult-film industry. It's about their lives and experiences "coming out" to the significant "vanilla" people in their lives.
We first heard about this book at the 2016 CatalystCon West Conference where Jiz Lee was giving a presentation about the book. Lee's presentation included several of the authors of stories in their book. This presentation changed forever our perception of porn stars and the adult-film industry.
The thing that most impressed us is how educated, intelligent and well spoken they are. The common misconception that all porn stars are either trafficked or do porn out of desperation was quickly obliterated. These porn stars are smart cookies all who do porn by choice as part of their sexual expression as well as as a job. They love their work.
Porn stars are a sexual minority. In my opinion, this book matters for more than porn stars. This is a really important book for all sexual minorities. The consequences the writers wrote about that many suffered as a result of coming out points to the fact that there still are legally unprotected sexual minorities beyond those currently defined and protected as LGBTQIA. That's why this is such an important book not just for porn stars. For example, folks who are in consensually non-monogamous relationships do not currently have legal protections from discrimination.
The biggest question I had in reading this book, and meeting these authors, though, was; why can't people in our society just let people be who they are and accept other people as they are? I mean really; why should there be this much agony about people being open about their work, gender expression, sexual and relationship orientation?
Until that happens; in the real world, all sexual minorities need legal protection from discrimination in their housing, financial lives and employment.
This is an excellent and important book. I highly recommend it! -
It's not just about "coming out", especially as- not like- a porn star. These essays cover a lot more ground, mostly about how people engaged in sex work- very marginalized and/or stigmatized by mainstream society- deal with the intersection of their work and their other relationships, all the way from being very forthcoming about it to everyone, and to ways to keep one's porn and legal identities separate- and the problems with both approaches.
Not that it's mostly a book about problems! Some essays are, and some focus much more on the positive effects sex work has had for many of the participants. Since the mainstream story about sex work tends to be condescending- the workers must be trafficked, or drug addicts, or broken abuse survivors- it's especially important to hear the voices of sex workers happy and comfortable in their work.
(I will mention, though, that if this is the ONLY book one reads about the modern porn industry, one will likely have an overly rosy view thereof. While I don't think anyone was lying, I do know- from knowing workers myself- that this sunny view is not all there is, particularly as one gets into more "mainstream" porn rather than the queer and alternative porn that many of the essayists make.)
I read this because I have a personal friendship with one of the essayists, and have admired the work of several others in attempting to bring to our culture a saner view of sex and sexuality. -
I've never read a book on this topic. I was pretty surprised just how many of the writers were trans, bisexual, lesbian, and other gender or sexual minorities (and usually more than one.)
There were so many stories, and most of them snapshots. They were disjointed as it seemed to be a very open prompt for each writer. I enjoyed the personal details though many didn't actually go into the behind the scenes kind of moments that I had expected.
It's hard to grapple with the stigma and preconceptions that I hold that are addressed in this book. But I can see and appreciate the thoughtfulness and mindfulness presented in each piece. Especially the porn stars who were trans who wanted to see their own bodies represented, appreciated, and valued. -
I read a review about this book on this blog:
Oh Joy Sex Toy
So now I must have this... -
This book’s title says exactly what’s inside, stories by people about coming out about their sex work to family, friends, et al. There is great variety in representation here, lots of gay and trans authors. I found this book to be very educational as well as entertaining.
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I read this because Erika Moen talked it up in her comic. As someone who is not a big consumer of pornography and who knows nothing about the industry, I definitely learned a lot.
The premise was supposed to be people who work in the pornography industry (performers, directors, those on the technical side of internet porn, etc.) writing essays about how their families and friends came to know about their participation in this. Sometimes they were upfront, other times they were found out. Some families responded with love, others were horrified.
Some of the essayists didn't stick closely to the theme, and just wrote about their feelings about sex work in general, or wanted to complain about their parents, etc. Other essays were completely fascinating, hilarious or sad.
For the most part, I felt the best essays came from older people, such as Candida Royale, who are looking back on a lifetime of sex work. A notable exception was Casey Calvert's essay about how she desperately wanted to make porn before she even had a good grasp of what sex was. While she's a relatively young performer, her story was fascinating.
Most of the essayists were involved in feminist porn, lots of gay/queer/trans stuff, a couple of women whose deal was being hairy, and lots of bondage. I learned that there are a lot of people out there who really, really, really want to make porn, that is their calling and not something they are doing for lack of options. Also, several essayists mentioned that their parents were upset about their chosen profession, but their grandma thought it was awesome. That was a surprise.
My main complaint is that a lot of the essays were really similar and some were kinda dull, plus the essays weren't well ordered. They were in alphabetical order by first name (can you believe that 90% of the contributors have first names in the first half of the alphabet?) rather than by type of worker, type of story, type of person, or any way that makes it easy to find the stories you're most interested in. -
This collection of essays focuses on those in the pornography industry whose families and friends are aware of their pornographic association, either through discussing it themselves or being outed by others. These essays make sex workers relatable; they have families, friends, and lives outside of their jobs. They have good and bad work days, coworkers they love and coworkers they hate.
Coming Out Like a Porn Star destroys the illusion of the uneducated sexual object, and shows the writers as sexual actors who are highly aware of the social world around them. In fact, those in the porn industry are more aware of the inner workings and influence of society than many. Several writers point out that talking to others about their jobs in porn tells more about the person asking the question than it does about the sex worker.
The essays are organized in alphabetical order by author, and may have flowed better if ordered differently; however, it makes the book no less empowering a read. The only essay that did not make sense for me in this text was Changing the World Through Sex by Cindy Gallop, which read like an advertisement. The other essays in this book discuss having or lacking control over coming out and the pros and cons of making such a move.
To read the full review, check out my website!
https://vulvaink.wordpress.com/2017/0... -
I also read this book after reading the review on Oh No Sex Toy. If you partake in sex work of any kind (including watching porn), you really owe it to the workers who make the content you enjoy to speak for themselves. I really loved this anthology in particular because it included stories from marginalized groups within the porn community (people of color, non-binary folks etc). The stories had a good range to them and included both light-hearted, humoruous stories of coming out, and also more tragic tales of trauma and estrangement.
Plus, it was just really cool to read some non-fiction by a few performers I really like.
There were a few duds and a few stories that were just really similar. And, like, that's not really a complaint, because this is non-fiction and who am I to complain that someone's intimate family history didn't fit into a nice narrative arc. BUT, I do think the book would have been better served by a better organizational structure. The essays in this book were in alphabetical order by author and I think that more thoughtful placement would have really upped the reading experience. -
Ugh, I'm bummed, I was really looking forward this read.
My main issue with this book was that, while diverse in sexuality, gender, race, and body type ....the narrative itself isn't very diverse. Most authors featured are activists, involved in alt-porn or indie porn, and either own their own companies or have very close control over their careers. Which is great! But doesn't really make for a comprehensive read. While some of the essays (the ones by Christopher Zeischegg, Drew DeVeaux, Gala Vanting, Cyd Nova, and Lorelei Lee come to mind) were dynamic and gave me some new perspective and concepts to explore...most were really lacking in depth outside of "I love porn, I feel empowered, fuck you," all of which I already sort of knew. It's a bit of a circlejerk, and feels like it was intended more for other porn performers than for the general public. A few good, new thoughts here, but overall I think the authors' collective wariness to get vulnerable and indepth with their respective narratives speaks louder than the content that is found here. It was an okay read, I enjoyed my time spent here, I just can't recommend it for anyone looking to gain perspective on the industry. -
This collection of essays focuses on those in the pornography industry whose families and friends are aware of their pornographic association, either through discussing it themselves or being outed by others. The authors are no longer sexual characters, but people with families, friends, lovers, and lives outside of the industry. The people of the porn community are there for each other when no one else is, offering support to those who need it when they are cast out. People of all walks of life, she/he/they, black, white, latinx, abled, disabled, parents, actors, directors, and queers contributed to this book. This helps it to be relatable to all audiences. The essays are organized in alphabetical order by author, and may have flowed better if ordered differently. The only essay that did not fit this text was Changing the World Through Sex by Cindy Gallop, which read like an advertisement rather than a coming out story. The other essays in this book discuss having or lacking control over coming out and the pros and cons of making such a move.
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It's not often we hear about the challenges and the stigma faces by pornstars in regard to the many ways they are forced by society to have to come out over and over again. We often here about the negative aspects of sex work but what we miss are the positive stories and the uplifting power experienced by those in the sex industry. Originally o bought this book due to my obsession with Joanna Angel and her punk porn empire and was happily introduced to a whole plethora of new and inspirational idols. I would recommend this book to anyone who is open minded and interested in seeing both sides of the story.. from those who enjoy consuming pornography, to those who are curious about getting involved and to those who would just generally like to be educated more in regard to consent and sex positivity. The book was an easy and interesting read and opened my mind a bit more sexually and also educated me a lot more in regard to both the sex industry, sexual liberation and sexual identity.
