Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment by Gay Hendricks

Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment Reviews

• 
  Iona Stewart

  When I ordered this book, I did not realize that it dealt with love within marital relationships and not love in general, as in the book ”Love for no reason” by Marci Shimoff, but nonetheless I was by no means disappointed once I got into it. I have learnt much from it – it provides material that I have not found elsewhere.
  
  We learn how to transform co-dependent relationships into co-committed relationships.
  
  Co-dependence is “an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns”. Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious. When we are co-dependent, we do not have relationships but “entanglements”. Co-dependence is “an addiction to control and approval”. A co-committed relationship is one in which two or more people “support each other in being whole, complete individuals”.
  
  In our quest towards achieving co-committed relationships, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks take their basis in their own long-standing relationship. They too have had problems and issues and they here show us how they worked through them.
  
  There are three main patterns of behaviour seen in co-dependent relationships – withholding, withdrawal and projection. Withholding is “when you keep inside you things that should be expressed”. Withdrawal is when “you pull back from contact”. Projection is when “you attribute to another person something that is actually going on at an unconscious level within yourself”.
  
  Examples are provided of unconscious deals made by those in co-dependent relationships: 1) Let’s both agree not to look into certain areas of our lives 2) If you don’t change, I won’t either. 3) Let’s focus our attention on alcohol (or food or drugs) instead of solving our problems. 4) If you do all the thinking, I’ll do all the feeling.
  
  The authors identify six core commitments essential in transforming co-dependence.: 1) I commit myself to full closeness, and I commit myself to cleaning up anything in the way of my ability to do so. 2) I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual. 3) I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to concealing myself. 4) I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me. 5) I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality (a basic one in my opinion). 6) I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.
  
  Moreover, three fundamental requirements are 1) Feel all your feelings 2) Tell the microscopic truth 3) Keep your agreements.
  
  The book is packed with psychological insights, or perhaps rather disclosures leading to such on the part of the reader, together with detailed information about how to work with oneself and one’s relationships.
  
  We are given valuable questions to aid us in discovering what action to take to expedite the process of transforming our lives:
  
  1. What feelings have I separated myself from?
  2. What relationships have I felt incomplete?
  3. What do I need to do to complete them?
  4. What agreements have I broken and not cleaned up?
  5. What have I said I would do that I have not done?
  6. What have I agreed not to do that I have done?
  7. What communications have I left unsaid?
  8. What have I started and not finished?
  9. To whom do I owe money?
  10. Whom do I need to forgive?
  11. To whom do I owe appreciation?
  
  Part Two of the book is composed of useful activities for transforming your relationship.
  
  The authors provide a final insight: once you have begun to tell the microscopic truth to each other, saying what you want directly, and experiencing and expressing your true feelings, you may begin to see that all your issues are really one – how much positive energy can I handle? This matter of having difficulty in dealing with positive energy is gone into in detail throughout the book.
  
  To sum up, this is a well-written, deeply insightful book that will transform your relationship with your partner, if you read it and follow the authors’ advice, carrying out the suggested techniques. I highly recommend it.
  
  
• 
  Nahid Soltanzadeh

  I have already wrote my responses to this book as I updated my reading progress.
  Just want to add 3 points:
  
  The connection between bodily experiences and feelings that's emphasized throughout the book is fascinating. I've been trying to "locate me feelings in my body" as the authors suggest, and it does actually work. When I let myself feel the feelings in my body, I am more in touch with them. I can process everything more clearly, and feel lighter/more open.
  
  Im not sure how I feel about the activities presented in the last chapter. Some of them were so powerful I could feel something shifting in my thoughts and feelings just by reading (and not completely doing) them. Some others only elicited a "you got to be kidding me" response from me, as they seem to oversimplify the issues they're trying to address. I don't know. I guess I'll try them anyway.
  
  I feel like many of the ideas in this book are coming from a place of privilege. White privilege, to be specific. There's an underlying belief that all the threats that people feel or see in the world, or at least the way poeple are impacted by them, are products of their own mindset. Being inherently safe in one's body is white privilege. It was annoying to read it presented as a universal state of being.
  
  Nevertheless, The ideas in this book have already helped me shift my perspective in some of the challenges I'm dealing with in my relationship, without me exactly trying to integrate them. It has also opened many doors for me to think about some behavior patterns that I've been trying to change for years now.
  
  I think everyone will find something helpful in this book.
  
  PS: the level of heteronormativity though...
• 
  Venn Wylder

  I picked up a copy of this book when my brother gave his to our father, saying, "I couldn't find another one, but this is so important that I'm giving you my own."
  
  Since then, I've filled it with underlines, markings, and marginal notes, built long and loving relationships on its principles, and loved it so thoroughly that I've rebound it a few times with medical tape from my first-aid kit.
  
  And the book has returned the favor; it has restored the binding of myself – that which keeps me together, maintains my integrity – each time I return to it for aid.
  
  It's hard for me now to tease out which parts of myself were learned as a result of reading this book. So much of who I am in the world is informed and/or inspired by these ideas. When I return to them, wherever I am, it keeps getting better.
• 
  Sarah

  I thought this book was phenomenal! So many great frameworks to take away.
  
  The central distinction between unconscious loving/codependency and conscious loving/co-commitment was great. The 6 commitments that you should make in a conscious relationship (being close, developing as an individual, revealing yourself fully, empowering others, owning 100% responsibility for your reality, and having a good time) were excellent. I particularly am trying to work on “revealing myself”—I loved the concept of telling “microscopic truths” about where you feel emotion in your body as a means to this.
  
  Also thought the concept of the “upper limits” problem, where we can self-sabotage if we start to feel too happy, was fascinating. It was really helpful to see all the ways childhood experiences connect to the scripts we use today. Lots of fun psychological insights!
  
  I took away lots of really actionable stuff and definitely feel this book impacted my worldview and communication tools for the better. Thank you Nicole for the recommendation!
• 
  Desinka

  It has taken me a while to read and assimilate this book but it was worth the time and effort. This work presents a concise and easy to understand guide to the working of our conscious and unconscious minds, the roles we play and the projections we make that prevent us from having genuine and meaningful relationships. It also outlines the path to achieving an authentic relationship with oneself and others. I was very grateful for the final part of the book which provided exercises meant to help overcome some pitfalls in personal development, which I've been stumbling over for years.
  
  I recommend this book to anyone who wants to experience their life more fully, no matter if they're in a relationship or not.
• 
  Foppe

  Very good book; I would suggest you read it in conjunction with Jan Geurtz's Addicted to love.
• 
  Zinta

  No, nothing new. Which is precisely what makes this so good. This is the stuff of time-tested common sense, the stuff of that inner voice of wisdom, the one that is always trying to steer you in the right direction, even as you kick and scream and resist, intent on remaining on the old path of repeated and repeated and repeated cycles. We repeat them until we learn the lesson. Resolve the dilemma. Solve the puzzle.
  
  If the Hendricks message is to be boiled down to one catch-phrase, it would simply be: "wake up." It is not so much about change, as it is about living with our eyes open, fully aware (conscious) of why we do what we do, how we feel while we are doing it, and which way we will go next. Instead of moving through a fog, we instead make conscious choices.
  
  If we can add one concept to that catch-phrase, it would be the concept of accountability. Relationships, and not just romantic ones, tend to bog down most when we get busy issuing blame and pointing fingers. Hendricks proposes that we are all, each and every one of us, to be held accountable for our own lives. No victims, no martyrs. And co-dependents, out with you. A satisfying relationship is one that takes place between two people who make a 100 percent (each) commitment (nothing less will do or failure has room to enter) to themselves and to each other. It begins with a promise to be authentic to ourselves and to always tell what Hendricks calls "the microscopic truth." Our lives are what we make them. And if we don't like our lives, well, it is up to each of us to make the necessary changes. We must be honest with ourselves above all, but we must respect our mates with utmost honesty as well. It is the only solid building block that holds up a strong and satisfying relationship.
  
  One might balk at the wrongs done us, and oh the pity parties we do enjoy, when we are lied to and cheated on and our backs wear the footprints of others. But consider how far one gets in improving that situation when busy whining "I'm a victim! poor sap me!" and when one instead takes a moment to consider: how did I manifest this? How have I taught others to treat me? Have I made my personal boundaries clear? Have I offered and insisted upon honesty? Have I rescued my mate from the natural outcome of his or her bad behavior, thus robbing them of a learning experience? Have I been true to myself and expressed how I feel? It is not about letting our mates off the hook for bad behavior; that's dishonest, too. We hold our partners fully accountable, too. But it is a realization that we are not merely innocent bystanders in the soap operas of our lives. The sooner we understand our own part in the drama, the sooner we can enjoy true intimacy and equality with a mate we value and who values us.
  
  I read this Hendricks' book as I recently read "Conscious Living" -- with relish. I like the idea of being accountable for my life; it keeps the reins for my happiness in my own hands, after all. And there is so much more to see and enjoy when I make a decision to live my life with eyes wide open. My beloved is sharing this book with me. We are each reading it with a highlighter in hand, noting what resonates. Much has been learned already. I look forward to what new levels we might reach in this most basic if not highest human longing -- to walk shoulder to shoulder with our best life friend, empowering ourselves and each other to be the best we can be.
• 
  Chloé Grace

  This was recommended to me by a friend (who took recommendations from Twitter). There are some useful nuggets in this book, but it is pretty simple and limited in scope. Main message is “codependency bad.” That’s obvious—it’s nice that there were several anecdotes that showed how codependency can be destructive. Another interesting concept is the “upper limit”, borrowed from drug addiction therapy.
  
  However I found that this book was:
  - very heteronormative. I get that this book is written in 2009.
  - somewhat victim blame-y, surprisingly. It acknowledge that abuse victims are victims, but also said that victims needed to acknowledged how they contributed to the abuse, which can be incredibly gaslighting
  - believes that healthy coupling must have an equal power balance. This isn’t really backed up by anything; it’s an axiom in the authors’ point of view. It fails to account for consensual power imbalances, such as women-led relationships or BDSM
  - lack of a critical systemic lens as to why humans tend toward drama and chaos. It’s just taken as fact without much explanation, such as intergenerational trauma or cultural factors. It reads as a huge assumption that the reader is forced to agree with. It also assumed that if someone fails to advocate for themselves in a relationships, it is 100% their responsibility. There is nearly 0 mention of community involvement
  - really casual in saying this one lady at a dinner party was a narcissist because she couldn’t take a compliment. LMFAO. This dropped a lot of credibility to me
  
  I know there are some metaphysical ideas in this book that may bother people. They personally didn’t bother me, but I can see how it could.
  
  If you go into this expecting this to be a professionally written, impartial account of relationships, you will probably be disappointed. This was a somewhat insightful read as a thoroughly detailed blog post.
• 
  Nickjames

  Probably the most profound relationship book written. Very deep and dense, but worth the read. I think this is the staple for anyone interested in a conscious relationship. What I love about this book as it addresses, what I believe the only real problem in life: how much fun can you have, both in relationship and life? The Hendricks call it the "Upper Limits Problem" and by far the most advance tool I've ever had in enjoying my life. Totally recommend it. Plus, the appendix has so many processes the reader can do, whether your single or in a relationship. I would say the best tools possible to connect with another person, especially the breathing techniques. This material saved my life.
• 
  Youssef Elderiny

  This book was both fantastic and hard to read. The message of the book is healing and I understood the value in that. So, despite it being hard to read because it feels like the book shows you all the flaws about yourself that you’ve been putting aside, I sat down and finished it. There are concepts in this book that are immensely valuable: telling the microscopic truth, being aware of where our actions come from, setting boundaries, communicating clearly. I’m wish that more people in society learn, understand, and practice the contents of the book.
• 
  Kari Metzger

  Oh wow. I think this is the *the best book I have ever read* on relationships. It tackles the hard topics like co-dependence, projection, entanglement, and more not only in a clear, succinct way where you finally say "OHHH! I get it now!', but also gives you practical exercises and advice to then break free and challenge some of these relationship-threatening tendencies on the journey to 'co-creation'. Absolutely fabulous.
  
  And I won't lie. Sometimes hard to look straight in the face. This book awakens that inner demon inside that 'makes' you say things with less than integrity/love to your partner, or even your friend relationships. If you take it seriously and allow yourself to grow, the amount of evolution you will have in your own life is jaw dropping. I have read it once, and will read it again and again. I may even buy a few copies as gifts for those who ask about it - it's just one of those books.
  
• 
  Marianna

  A wonderful, beautiful and soulful book.
• 
  Theoderik Trajanson

  Big Idea: We all need closeness and space. In a close relationship, we have two distinct needs - closeness and independence. In a co-committed relationship, both of these needs are acknowledged and celebrated.
  
  The 'Upper Limits Problem' - we are programmed so that we can’t feel too good for too long without evoking negative emotions to bring ourselves down
  
  An Alternative to the Have Fun - Crash - Get Close - Have a Fight Pulsation:
  - Positive - Rest - Positive - Rest
  - Get Close - Rest at the New Level - Get Close - Rest at the New Level Until it’s completely integrated
  
  To do this you must be vigilant over the ways you bring yourself down.
  
  
  
  Codependence is fostered when two people unconsciously agree to be the partners in each other’s dramas - 'if you won’t make me change my self destructive patters, I won’t make you change yours. If you’ll let me project my childhood issues onto you, I’ll be the target for yours.'
  
  
  The Stages of a 'Closeness' Relationship
  - Romance
  - Inevitable problems arise
  - Trust issues
  - Authority issues
  - Self esteem issues
  - Long repressed feelings
  - Sexual issues
  - The Choice Point - whether a relationship becomes co-committed or codependent
  - Choice A
  - Inquire into the source of your issues, take full responsibility for them, and tell the full truth about them to your partner
  - Learn to see and love the previously unloved parts of yourself that are emerging
  - Ride to a new level of intimacy
  - Choice B - withhold (want something but fail to ask, swallow your anger), withdraw, and project
  - the payoff
  
  The Essential Co-commitments
  - I commit myself to being close and I commit myself to clearing up anything in the way of my ability to do so
  - I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual
  - I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to conceal myself
  - I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me
  - I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality
  - I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships
  
  The Three Fundamental Requirements for Co-Committed Relationships
  - Feel all your feelings
  - Tell the microscopic truth
  - Many people think that they withhold the truth because they don’t want others to feel bad, but perhaps they withhold the truth because they don’t want to deal with the consequences of their spouse’s bad feelings
  - Sometime people don’t tell the truth because they rarely witness the truth being spoken
  - Keep your agreements
  - In codependent relationships partners keep unconscious agreements rather than conscious, spoken agreements - ‘I’ll let you keep drinking and beating the kids if you don’t leave me’
  - Some people emotionally tangle the act of making and keeping commitments with their anger at authority figures - ‘because my boss is such a jerk, it’s okay to make long distance calls at the company’s expense’
  
  Deals to limit awareness of valid problems in a relationship:
  - Blame [Blame keeps the attention focused on externals]
  - Numbing out
  - Power struggle
  - Illness and Accidents
  
  
  Generally speaking, we tend to see around us those things that we are afraid to confront within ourselves - this is the basis of projection.
  
  Co-commitment is each partner making themselves 100% responsible for the relationship.
  
  
  More Common Ways People in Relationships Being Themselves Down
  - Deflecting Positive Energy [this is actually a form of narcissism]
  - Avoiding it altogether
  - Staying attached to the past [and avoid the possibilities of the present]
  - Worry thoughts [usually worry prevents effective action, rather than promoting positive action]
  - Arguments [people often get caught up in the content of an argument, not the process - when and where you argue, not what you argue about
  - An example given involves a “juicy and seductive argument” that they could not see the process - that they just spent some time being close, that they needed some time apart, but neither one was proactive about requesting this]
  
  
  How to maintain good feelings
  1. Making space / taking space
  1. Example - partners taking space apart before getting together over the weekend
  2. Improve the quality of your contract with life
  
  
  Answer these questions
  - How do I feel?
  - What do I want?
  - How is the past coloring my present?
  - What am I getting out of staging stuck?
  - Example: reinforcing a strongly held belief
  - What do I need to say?
  - What agreements have I broken?
  - How can I be of service?
  
  Clingers fear abandonment.
  Withdrawers fear closeness.
  
  
  Communication Tips:
  
  Make statements not questions - a lot of people try to make statements in the form of questions. Statements help bring clarity and resolution
  
  Say I instead of you. [“I can’t” is a roundabout way to say “I don’t want to”, “I won’t”, or “I don’t know how to”]
  
  Empower instead of Rescue
  Rescuing is when you interfere with someone’s power by doing something for them that they ought to do for themselves. Rescuing denies the other person the opportunity to be effective. When you rescue, you actually devalue and disempower the other person.
  
  Redefining
  Redefining is when a person does not respond to what another person has said but instead changes the subject to fit his or her agenda
  
  Her: do you really want to be in counseling with me?
  Him: I’m here, aren’t I? [not answering the yes or no question; his agenda is to communicate anger and to avoid responsibility]
  
  Him: Did you notice that I called you this week when I was going to be late for dinner?
  Her: Tuesday you totally forgot about picking Kevin up for soccer.
  
  Devaluing:
  Example: interrupting someone while speaking
  Example: self-denigration (draws attention to you)
• 
  Sean O'Hara

  5-star content 3-star 80s kinda cringey packaging; 5-star first half 3-star second half
• 
  JulieAnn

  This book was essential when working through a failed relationship. The danger of unconscious agreements and not being in touch with one's own feelings are explained in such a way I felt I could begin using the information to better relate to people around me at the time. I would recommend it to any couple having problems or not.
• 
  April

  You know, sometimes these deep "hold me and fix all the old patterns from my childhood and I'll do the same for you" books kind of make me want to gag after awhile. I love this couple, and based on their writing, I think they are really sweet and sincere, but ick.
• 
  Jeff

  This is a great book. I used this book for all my relationships, work, etc. It would be good for me to re-read it.
• 
  Lori

  Excellent book about developing relationships instead of co-dependent entanglements.
• 
  Darlene

  This changed my relationship with my husband. Life of living a co-committed relationship is easier than a non-committed. Adore.
  
• 
  Jodi

  Meh! Nothing earth-shattering.
• 
  Alise Romeiko

  Wonderful reflection of the two-way street that is a conscious relationship. Worth reading to get over any hang-ups in your love life and create the relationship you want to live day to day.
• 
  Valerie Gangas

  About 6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to really look at all of my stuff. The good, the bad and the ugly. That includes how I show up in relationships. Doing the groundwork while single can only lead to more fulfilling relationships in the future, I mean, duh🤦🏼‍♀️This book did a stellar job at breaking down all the areas we humans create insanity in our relationships. From withholding feelings, projecting our crap on to our partners and failing to take responsibility for our own reality. On a side note, once we realize that every single thing that happens to us is in fact created by none other than ourselves, well, then the game changes. We can no longer play the victim card or blame anyone else for our drama. It’s so fu*king freeing and empowering💃🏼
  
  In Conscious Loving, Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks are speaking my language. They just tell it like it is and it feels like a breathe of fresh air. To understand that we create all of our relationships out of our unconscious feelings, needs and patterns is a giant leap forward. Then we are on your way to having a heightened state of awareness that will allow us to really see what’s going on.
  
  I have zero desire to lie to myself, my future partner or anyone in my life. That doesn’t lead to deep, meaningful relationships. It only leads to surface level partnerships. BORING with an extra spoonful of NO THANK YOU🙅🏼‍♀️This book will help you keep it realz.
  
  Check out “Conscious Loving” if you want to grow in your ability to actually show up in all of your relationships. It’s a God damn jungle out there people. Why not do all we can to become whole? And I mean, enlightenment is defiantly sexy. M-E-O-W😻
• 
  Kris

  This book has some really solid advice about recognizing who you are, that your perceptions may not be the complete story of what is happening, and that it is much healthier to be in a conscious relationship, even with just yourself, than it is to be in a codependent one. There are places where I think it goes too far - not every single feeling in your life is a projection of some childhood trauma, and not every emotion and relationship are a manifestation of some sort of interaction you had with your primary caregivers when you are young. I also thought some of the exercises were silly. They repeat again and again that this kind of relationship can only happen when both parties are committed to it, but I think that takes away the value of just working through this stuff yourself. It will make you better, and it will therefore improve every relationship in your life, even if that is through ending it.
  
  One of my favorite things that this book acknowledges is that people are not usually creating these damaging patterns on purpose. Or they KNOW that what they are doing isn't working, but they don't know what to do differently. “There is the relationship between the two of you as real people, and there is the relationship between the two shadows. The shadow is the part of us we do not know about. It is the hidden repository of all our old feelings and patterns. You come into the relationship bringing a shadow with you, as does the other person. If you and the other person do not look into what these shadows contain, your relationship will be between two shadows instead of the two of you as real people.”
  
  Look at your shadows. It will create a better you.
• 
  Olivia

  This book was more dense than I was expecting. The overall idea is moving away from co-dependency into co-commitment through a series of steps. There is a heavy focus on understanding root-causes of emotional and behavioural reactions and needs in relationships, namely parental trauma/ parental 'inner critic' mental influences.
  I listened to the audio book which wasn't ideal for the activities as it's more difficult to engage meaningfully with the book. I'm planning on re-reading it at home, taking notes and completing the activities.
  The book is aimed at monogamous couples. However, the skills taught are mostly applicable for single or polyamorous people wanting to improve their self-awareness, emotional regulation and communication.
  The authors are married and work in relationship counselling. While this makes their suggestions more credible, the long-winded examples of their successes become exhausting and if you have a basic understanding of how childhood influences your psychological development I'd recommend skipping through them.
  Their 'you are 100% responsible for your choices and for the state of your life' rhetoric errs on the edge of victim-blaming but they do well to highlight exceptions for this.
• 
  A.J. Mendoza

  I was surprised by the amount of original ideas found in this book! I recently became engaged and looked to this book for pre-marital content. However, I was given better tools for all my relationships, self-understanding, and for future ministry! There is a lot of content in this book, so I recommend anyone to buy a physical copy. I had to after going through the audio book because I know the insights and tools offered in this book will need to be referenced again and again in the future. One fascinating insight I found was the Hendricks belief that a lot of illness is a physical manifestation of emotional pain. They found in their counselees, that once they worked through an issue in their life or marriage, that certain sickness patterns would go away. This could be life changing for some as they figure out the connection between their heart, heads, and bodies. Would recommend those with higher education that desire to grow in relational and emotional intelligence.
  
  Key Words/Phrases:
  - Upper limits pattern
  - Positive energy
  - Co-commitment
  - Co-dependent
  - Co-creativity
  - Claim creativity
• 
  Alexandra Millatmal

  This book had insights that I found helpful, and invited me to ask questions about my own past experiences that have been coming back to me over the years. Some of the suggested behaviors are ones I can see already at work in my current relationship, and it’s nice to have affirmation of some of the ways we’ve already been growing. I’m looking forward to working through the activities in the back of the book to see them in action in my own life, rather than just in the canned (cis/straight/monogamous/white) examples in the book.
  
  The book is very much of its time, and I think its ideas exist in a vacuum. They ignore things like gendered power dynamics, race, non-monogamy, and the possibility that keeping a marriage together might not be the highest measure of relationship success. It’s also pretty fat-phobic, which is aggravating.
  
  I would love to see an updated version that takes the tenets of this book and brings them in to the current century and in to real world lived by most people.
• 
  Dani

  2.5 recommended to me by a divorced friend, but this book felt more geared towards couples. The gist: Commit to your own creativity. Have integrity to honor your feelings and your truth. Consciously focus your attention on the current moment. Stop criticizing, break the cycle of negativity. Lots of ideas for removing or addressing fear in a relationship (fear tied to despair, anger, guilt, shame). Sometimes people create negativity in a relationship to spark drama - try sparking playfulness instead. Making time each week for two ten min talks - a business/stuff talk and a heart talk.
  
  Meditate and practice breathing, being in your skin. Meditation refrain: I commit to enjoying my full capacity for love and creativity.
  
  The advice for online dating was terrible (or maybe just dated). Samples of loooong honest profiles. Don’t give out financial info. Own your part of the blame of past relationships. Love yourself, Etc.