| Title | : | Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 1626251703 |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9781626251700 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 203 |
| Publication | : | First published June 1, 2015 |
In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents’ emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you’ll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life.
Discover the four types of difficult parents:
The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety
The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone
The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting
The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents Reviews
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Agh! I want to give this book five stars soooo badly, but there is one thing holding me back. The book talks in detail about emotionally immature parents, and how to recognize the behaviors. It also talks at length about internalizing and externalizing as responses to those behaviors.
What it doesn't talk about is recognizing those same emotionally immature behaviors in yourself, and what you can do to mature in those areas. Of course, we'll have reactions to the behaviors of our parents, but many of us adopted those same behaviors, and would like to avoid making those same mistakes in our relationships now. I would've loved a section just before the end summary of each section that had 2-3 concrete exercises to help not behave in those emotionally immature ways.
Why does this seemingly small criticism knock it down a full star? Maybe I'm an extreme internalizer ;-) but I found it sometimes hard to focus on the sections about why I deserved more while I was too busy worrying, "but I do that. And that! Oh no..."
But, that being said, it's absolutely worth reading, I loved it. It was so helpful and has a really good balance of non-emotionally identifying immature behaviors and offering new attitudes and behaviors. I am so hoping that there's a sequel about not falling into emotionally immature behaviors ourselves. -
Hands down one of the best Psychology books I have ever read. I love this book so, so much. As anyone who has read my blog knows, I grew up with pretty awful (i.e., abusive) parents, so this book validated my experiences in such a profound way. I appreciate how Lindsey Gibson honors the emotional experience of growing up with an emotionally immature parent through her immense empathy and compassion. She makes space for the suffering and the painful yet necessary transformation of a helpless child to a self-aware adult. She writes like a warm therapist or friend who stands by your side, as opposed to a cold or detached professional. Throughout the book, she provides a ton of important research-based information too, like the four types of emotionally immature parents and various findings about attachment patterns.
I most loved how Gibson provides specific, tangible strategies for improving your ability to handle difficult emotions as well as techniques to develop healthy, reciprocal relationships. I believe that everyone could benefit from reading these sections - and this book as a whole - as Gibson's insights apply to handling all emotionally immature people, not just parents. For example, she provides a thorough list of traits and behaviors of emotionally mature people at the end of the book that amazed me with its accuracy and understanding of humans.
Ten out of five stars to this gem. I know I will come back to it both for my personal life and for my work as a mental health professional. -
I avoided this one for a good minute.
For some reason I just ‘wasn’t in the mood’ for it.
But I’ll be ding danged if it didn’t hit the bullseye 🎯
Sometimes we (I) avoid the the best stuff, and go for the close but not quite thing, or even the wrong thing altogether.
Funny how that works.
And that’s kind of what this book is about.
It’s about how being emotionally neglected in childhood, by an emotionally immature or self absorbed parent, can get you in the habit of ‘putting out fire with gasoline’, and can keep you ‘lookin for love in all the wrong places’ (as an 80’s pop song can attest).
How so you ask?
Well you have to read the book to find out.
But it ‘goes a little something like this, hit it’.
Author Lindsay Gibson defines emotionally immature parenting as typified by a pervasive inability to be present and attentive to the child’s emotional experiences.
According to Gibson, emotionally immature, or self absorbed parents are blind to their children’s emotional word for a variety of reasons, most commonly due to their own abuse and neglect in childhood, as well as trauma, addiction, mental illness etc.
Anyway, for what ever reason, the emotionally immature parent(s) can’t sooth or validate their children’s emotions.
Left to fend for themselves, these emotionally neglected children may adopt an internalizing or externalizing coping style.
Internalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing by becoming self-reliant, and retreating inwardly e.g. utilizing psychological defenses and traits such as dissociation and/or creative fantasy for emotional comfort.
Internalizers are vulnerable to trauma depression and anxiety, but are also prone to self awareness, insight and empathy.
Externalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing externally in relationships, objects and behaviors.
Externalizers are vulnerable to substance use, emotional outbursts, vandalism, crime etc. but are also prone to hard driving high achievement.
The author reports that internalizers are the ones that typically seek therapy voluntarily, often in their 30’s after a divorce or other relationship problems.
But externalizers end up in therapy too, usually due to legal troubles or substance abuse etc.
In both cases, children of emotionally immature parents ‘grow up quickly’ out of sheer necessity to take care of them selves, or to take care of their parents.
In such cases, childhood offers little advantages and too many restrictions.
These ‘little grownups’ speed towards adulthood and independence, but at a very high price that they only become aware of later in life.
Growing up fast if exciting, but you miss out on important developmentally appropriate milestones and often find yourself behind your peers in someway or another.
Children of emotionally immature parents frequently want to change the way their parents feel.
But the author emphatically warns against this claiming “you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change”.
The author observers that children of emotionally immature parents often harbor a fantasy that if they can just engage emotionally with their parent, in just the right way, then they will finally be seen and understood, and the parent will change their emotionally neglectful, self absorbed ways.
No!!!
That’s never going to happen.
Take that fantasy and draw a big barsinister through it 🚫.
This fantasy may take the form of endless emotional demonstrations, conversations and confrontations that leave the emotionally immature parents feeing uncomfortable and defensive and leave the adult child feeling wounded and unsupported all over again.
This dynamic often gets reenacted in adult relationships with partners, whereby the adult child of emotionally immature parents seeks out partners who are emotionally similar to their problematic parental relationship.
You know.
That ‘same relationship different person’ cycle.
#Nightmare
The author posits that if theses dynamics go unidentified, unprocessed and unresolved, than they can dominate and ruin your love, friendship and work relationships, and (perhaps most disturbingly) may be transmitted to your children trans-generationally.
The author has TONS of good advice about what can be done. But perhaps most immediately effective are the following.
Boundaries: identify how long you can be in contact with your emotionally immature parent, without loosing your objectivity and without becoming emotionally reactive, and limit your contact with the parent, not to exceed that amount.
Limit your conversations to non contentious topics. And (warning) be prepared for the subject to almost always come back to them.
Accept and Manage: rather than endlessly emotionally engaging with the parent, the author recommends accepting that you can’t change someone else’s emotional reality with yours.
In other words, let go of your fantasy that they will finally see understand your perspective and drop the rope on the emotional tug of war that’s exhausting both of you.
Surrender.
You’ll win by loosing.
Trust me on this one.
The author instead recommends remaining observational and outcome driven.
Observe the parents current level of capacity. Identify achievable, realistic goals you can accomplish together, and stick to those.
This book is LOADED to the gills with wisdom, intelligence and excellent advice (a rarity to be sure).
If you’re curious.
Get it.
If this book is your jam, you will know within the first chapter.
If it is.
Than this book might help you finally find your way home to the sanity and serenity you have been seeking.
Awesome Read 😍 -
Here is how my reading experience was:
- 50% vigorous head nodding and delight to have the right language for my lived experiences
- 20% gasping due to incisive and hyper-specific instances that I could relate to clearly
- 20% itch to share snippets with certain people in my life who would benefit from this 'enlightenment', and
- 10% desire to go back in time, print this out, and chant it like a mantra every year of my adolescent life.
Written by a clinical psychologist, this was surprisingly neither too academic nor too 'self-helpy'. A friend on finding out that I am reading this book said to me, "this is what i have spent the last 2 years in therapy trying to process/unpack, and i am so glad to have found this book."
There is power in this book, and it could be a terrific read - but only if you're the right audience for it. I know I am. -
This is a book you pick out for a very specific reason, and it is hardly possible to review it in a neutral way. So I won't.
I hope that I don't have to recommend it to anyone, as it means opening up a Pandora's box of unresolved issues with major impact on who you are and how you deal with life.
Let's just say this: if you have the feeling that something was missing in your life, and that you were distinctly different from other people with regards to your family relationships, this book may help you to understand your defence mechanisms, your responses and guilt trap feelings. It may show you a way forward to realise your own potential, and a way to accept the limitations of relationships with emotionally immature people in your environment. It may help you develop a stronger sense of self and new confidence in your right to live your life according to your own wishes and dreams. It may cause pain. And it does contain nuts :-)
But no worries - if you are a classic internaliser (externalisers usually don't read self-help books), you will have developed a strong sense of humour as a vital survival skill.
This book is the apple Eve ate to gain knowledge of her all-consuming, emotionally immature parent. -
I wish I had read this book sooner! Finally validation that my family's repeated claim that I am "too sensitive" is more a reflection of their own emotional deficiencies than my own!
Even though I knew my parental relations were not entirely healthy, they were still my primary model for relationships and, consequently, I had unwittingly come to see some dysfunctional behaviors as normal. This book made me realize that much of what I thought was just my personality were really defense mechanisms that commonly develop in response to emotionally immature caregivers. The descriptions were so on point that I teared up a bit reading it, but that's a sensitive internalizer for you!
This book filled the much-needed role of clearly and compassionately showing what healthy behaviors I should expect in relationships and what healthy behaviors I need to work on adopting. Some of this I had discovered through life experience. I could have recognized and avoided some emotionally abusive situations if I had read this book earlier. -
Good introduction to the concept, helps you see your parents clearly. Not much there, though, on how to overcome the defenses you built in response and change your own thought process/behavior. It's discussed, but it's very high level and not very helpful. "Do this," not "Here's how you can do this." This isn't necessarily a book for people who recognize their parents as emotionally immature already and want to know how to overcome that influence in their own lives. If you're already on board with that, this won't be very helpful.
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I’ve read dozens of research-based psychology books, and a large handful of self-help books (way more if you count spiritual texts), and only three stand out as hugely meaningful to my life: Mind Over Mood, Driven to Distraction, and this one.
If you were sidelined, neglected, or constantly criticized as a child, this book is for you. My copy is so marked-up, it could be a diary.
I’m a little skeptical (perhaps too much) of clinical psychologists. Unfortunately I think it’s a field that has far too much pseudoscience swept up in its mainstream, and I’m far more willing to listen to research psychologists. But Gibson (a PsyD clinical psychologist) is a strong exception. She is clear, nuanced, refers to the research, and doesn’t make sweeping statements or treat the brain as a mystical space hiding trauma in its dark corners.
Highly recommend. -
This book hit close to home and certainly had a lot that I could identify with, having been raised in a home with two very emotionally immature parents trying to do their best. I give them a lot of credit for what they did right, but the truth is a lot of the immaturity persists to this day. Fortunately, books like this can be of aid in my quest to break the cycle.
The problem I had with this book is that the author speaks authoritatively but without much citation to research. Her primary sources are her own clients from her own practice and her own experiences. Sure, life experience counts for a lot, but it was apparent that the author's own bias often came into play. And I felt like the author had a tendency to victimize her clients even though obviously the therapist was typically getting one side of the story during counseling sessions.
My wish for myself and for others is that adults take primary responsibility for their own emotional health and well being, and own up to the fact when they fall short. But this assumes a certain level of emotional maturity and therein lies the problem. This book provides a few tools for handling key relationships with people who are simply incapable or unwilling to manage their own emotional health. And for that it is useful. -
This book has a long enough title as it is but it could also tack on..."How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Self-Involved Parents, or Parents Who Never Parented You But You've Always Parented Them and They Expect You To Do So Until the Day They Die...and Is It Me or Are They Getting Even More Infantile in Their Old Age?"
I'm guessing anyone that reads this book could slap a picture of one, both, or all of their parents into the book as the very definition of an Emotionally Immature Parent. I could, at least, because this book breaks down that there are actually four types of emotionally immature parents and just nails it: Emotional, Driven, Passive, Rejecting.
The book does a great job of distinguishing the difference between what it's like growing up with an emotionally mature vs immature parent (because if we haven't grown up with a mature parent it's hard to know what it's *supposed* to be like), the affect that has on the child and their development, the struggles and hard-wired characteristics that now grown up adult deals with, how to shake up and out of it (as best you can), how to deal with your parents in present day, and how to recognize healthy mature people, in general, so you can have healthier connections in your adult life.
It basically reads like a definition and how-to guide and I feel like I'd need to walk around with the book as a reference for the next few years.
What I took away from the book was validation of the f'ed-upness of my upbringing, clarity about *how* my parents are emotionally immature, the fact that they have absolutely no ability to be introspective and understand their behavior's impact (that's super enlightening), that your emotionally immature parents will NEVER change so it's important to give up the fantasy of having the parent you want from them, strategies for dealing with parents/emotionally immature people in present day and an understanding of "Oh crap, I have some of these characteristics myself." ::face palm::
There's a wealth of information here delivered in a well-written, broken into clear sections kind of way that allows for easier digestibility and reference.
Very good book. Recommend. -
Truly amazing. There's no shortage of self-help books in my house, all of which I've purchased in a feeble attempt to pinpoint that *thing* that's not quite right.
I've suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life. I've also found it very difficult to connect with anyone on more than a superficial level, and most interactions left me drained. I couldn't be myself when I interacted with anyone. I was always preoccupied with being judged than establishing a friendship based on intimate communication. That requires a level of vulnerability that, until now, has remained elusive.
I was truly surprised at how well the author was able to capture the many nuances of relationships with emotionally immature parents, and the myriad impacts that they have on their children. I know that change is going to be a process, but this book has made me feel adequately equipped to at least start the journey toward healing. And finally, FINALLY, I realize that it wasn't me after all. I'm not fundamentally flawed and unloveable.
I thank the author from the bottom of my heart for her dedication to writing this book. I hope that countless others find strength and healing in its pages. -
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by the clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson, contains some helpful advice. But I must say, the fundamental argument is rather sus.
Gibson begins by identifying a constellation of nebulous but fairly relatable symptoms, such as:(1) feeling a vague sense of emptiness or of being alone in the world;
(2) putting other peoples' needs first; and
(3) ending up in unfulfilling relationships.
Gibson next describes what she means by an "emotionally immature parent" – again, using nebulous but relatable terms. For instance, she says that your parent could be emotionally immature if they have exhibited any of the following:(1) My parent often overreacted to relatively minor things.
(2) My parent was often irritated by individual differences or different points of view.
(3) Facts and logic were no match for my parents opinions.
The book omits to flag, of course, the subjective dimension to some of these descriptors.
Finally, after the reader has identified with the personal symptoms ("that's me!") and the parental descriptors ("that's mom/dad!"), Gibson goes ahead and concludes – with almost zero argument – that the two are causally related. Which, somewhat ironically, plays into one of the book's definitions of emotional immaturity: that one's beliefs are based not in objectivity but in what feels true.
As a clinical psychologist, Gibson certainly boasts a great deal of first-hand, empirical experience. But this doesn't change the fact that she's theorizing on the basis of only one side of the equation. Indeed, as she herself admits, therapy attracts certain kinds of people – namely, "internalizers", who believe that change comes from within rather than from without – which means that she's working from a very limited data set to begin with.
In short, a methodologically shaky book, so please read with a grain of salt, but one with some useful morsels scattered throughout. -
why i dont think you should read this book and what i think you should read instead
i bought this book without much thought as it kept being quoted by people i respect and love, but i regret doing so now. i have CPTSD (but am halfway through recovery) and this book talks of the human condition as though it is alien to this planet and only can be examined in clinical settings or by people who are literate in statistics and science. psychotherapy in session is retraumatizing for me and many like me, and this book is too. if you have read anything substantial of modern psychology and philosophy, dont read this book.
the author is quick to categorize people as Internalizers or Externalizers and goes on to outline the behaviours of said categories. she goes on to say that if youve bought this book, youre probably the former. Internalizers are, although im sure that is not the intention, written as the virtuous victims of child neglect and or abuse, whilst Externalizers are frequently described as its polar opposite. possibly to appeal to the reader, it feels a bit like a Buzzfeed article on Introverts vs Extroverts, where we all realize that we have a bit of both depending on the company in the end, but the world is built by and for Extroverts, so Introverts really have more of an uphill battle in the made up social norms of a system that relies on oppression.
early on, she describes drug addiction as an "externalizing" behaviour, which is a dangerous thing to do when you are supposed to be writing a book on the effects emotional unavailability. being what the author calls an Internalizer, who like everyone else has traits she would consider externalizing, and being a recovering addict made this a bit of a suicide cocktail of a book. she talks up a storm about the particular characteristics of people, but not what is to be done about them, only adding shameful wording to how humans cope. if i wasnt in recovery, this book would have me going after what is externalizing in my behaviour, trying to remedy it with shame. i was already doing that, convinced i was broken. shame is the antithesis to growth and what is the main problem to begin with, so utilizing it to convey to a reader how they should categorize themselves isnt going to give them much to work with in terms of getting better, getting help or healing themselves. it reminds me of the laughable notion of no ones gonna love you until you love yourself, which ignores what pack animals require for development, as though you dont deserve love if no ones loved you before. read: we are taught how to love. that does not have to just be done by our parents, and the end is not where they leave us, we can recover and be the people we were not taught to be by them. that requires both the self and the community. community is written about as a necessary evil here, more than anything else.
if you have complex trauma, i really dont recommend reading this, and even without it or an official diagnosis i still recommend that you dont. psychology has come much further than this constant narrative that places competition and friction before contemplation and acceptance. it mimics the old timey tales of we need to lock up dysfunction to ensure we can function, which has only ever lead to more pain and more abuse. this book does not offer solutions, only further roles to play.
instead i highly recommend the book
Scattered minds by Gabor Maté, although it targets ADD (now known as inattentive ADHD) it explains these family systems, why they happen and what we can do, both for ourselves and our children/families to get to a better place. it is compassionate, wise and it doesnt speak of the human condition as something broken. it also acknowledges that blame and shame are both counterproductive maladaptive aspects of any parenting, whether youre reparenting yourself, or youre parenting someone else. i recommend that everyone reads it, regardless of if you have ADHD or not.
i also REALLY recommend reading the book
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, one of the worlds most renowned trauma specialists. this book is the reason why i am in recovery, why i no longer have flashbacks, and why ive gone from being hypervigilant every day of my life and certain that pain was my default to a safety within myself that my parents never allowed. i recommend the book
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer, for an alternative look at how humans could live, in which healing could take its time without threatening homelessness or being unable to afford food.
if youd just like an alternative to books, or in case this book made you sad like me, here is a podcast featuring van der Kolk and how he treats trauma, how it lives on, etc. this is the podcast that made me try somatic experiencing, which ultimately stopped my flashbacks altogether.
he talks over the host quite a bit, but if you can put that aside and just focus on his message, it is absolutely worth anyone and everyones time to hear.
On being Podcast
be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness. we all deserve kindness; without it we cannot change. you can change, but not by constantly punishing yourself. -
I found this incredibly helpful. I especially liked that she detailed both the different kinds of emotionally immature types you could encounter in parents and the the content of the two broad responses to experiencing this parenting (internalizing and externalizing). The first part really helped me because I was definitely one someone who internalized and so I had the “but maybe my parent wasn’t immature enough for me to complain about” thought and resisted reading this at first. It made me feel bad- until I read the categories. Hearing about the different ways internalizing and externalizing can manifest also helped me make sense of some of their behaviors- as we know, parents inherit a lot of how they raise their kids from their own parents and pass on a lot of their own unresolved traumas. If you’re pretty sure your emotionally immature parent(s) also had emotionally immature parents you’ll find a ton that makes sense here. I also saw a lot of behaviors that I, unfortunately, also act out. That emotional immaturity was passed down to me in a whole new way as I struggled to find coping mechanisms to deal with it. The book is great about giving you strategies to deal with your emotionally immature parent that I totally intend to use, but I wish it also have resources for those of us who have realized we also have some of those marks of emotional immaturity because of what was modeled for us or how we coped with it. How do we ensure we don’t pass it down again? How do we change? I wish she had added that. I also feel like she set REALLY high expectations for what emotionally mature people are like in that last chapter. I guess she was just covering all her bases but it did kind of make it seem like no one could possibly be 1000% emotionally mature. But I guess it’s one of those if you’re batting 8 out of 10 you’re still ok type things? I hope? I feel like that’s something I could do- even if my parent never will. But other than that I found this book had a clear, kind, firm voice that used advice, research and anecdotes you could recognize yourself in to explain its points. It does not allow you delusions, which I super needed (see the part about “healing fantasies”) but also doesn’t berate you with them or make you feel stupid for not seeing it before. Some things will never change. The focus is how to deal with it in a sustainable way that doesn’t damage you further.
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خوب من از همین الان حدس میزنم با توجه به رمان نبودن و ناشناخته بودن این کتاب، این رویو زیاد خونده نشه!
ولی عیب نداره حتی اگه یک نفر این متن رو ببینه و تصمیم بگیره این کتابو بخونه یا به دست یکی که لازم داره برسونه، من به هدفم رسیدم!
لینک دانلود:
https://b-ok.cc/dl/2739029/6eb0a4
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این کتاب واسه سه دسته از آدم ها "بیشتر" مفیده.
کتاب در رابطه با فرزاندان والدینی هستش که به بلوغ عاطفی نرسیدن. یعنی چی؟
ویژگی بارز این والدین اینه که هرچقدر هم تلاش کنی نمیتونی باهاشون به اون صمیمت یا نزدیکی که لازمه برسه. این افراد به عنوان والد، فراهم کردن خونه و خوراک و این نیاز های مادی رو وظیفه ی اصلی خودشون میدونن و اتفاقا خیلی هاشونم از این حیث کم نمیذارن. ولی نوبت به نیازهای احساسی و عاطفی که میرسه، توجهی به فرزندشون ندارن.
ریشه ی این رفتارشون چیه؟ اینا معمولا توی خانواده هایی بزرگ شدن که بهشون اجازه ی بروز احساست طبیعی انسانی مثل: خوشحالی و غم داده نمیشده! که به نظر من و طبق دیده هام، تعداد زیادی از خانواده های ایرانی رو شامل میشه!
خوب پس این کتاب اول از همه واسه کسایی خوبه که با همچین والدینی بزرگ شدن.
گروه دومی که این کتابو بهشون توصیه میکنم کساییه که خودشون هیچ وقت نتونستن اون نزدیکی عاطفی لازم رو با بقیه به دست بیارن. اینجا باید ببینن مشکل از خودشونه یا کسایی که باهاشون سر و کار داشتن مشکل داشتن!
دسته ی سوم، کسایین که میخوان در آینده بچه بیارن یا به فرزندی بگیرن و اینو توی افق زندگیشون ، هرچقدرم بلند مدت میبینن.
این کتاب نشون میده اثر تربیت شما تا چند نسل دیگه میتونه خودشو نشون بده و اگه شما بچه ات رو از نظر احساسی سرکوب کنی، چه بسا نوه هات هم دچار مشکل بشن! پس اگه از کسی رو میشناسین که به عمق جدی بودن فرزندآوری و تربیت اونا نرسیده، این کتابو بکنین تو آستینش! (اجازه دارم بگم به نظر بنده اینجور آدمها معمولا کمتر کتاب میخونن یا چی؟)
......
نکات مثبت این کتاب
* نویسنده ی کتاب دکترای روانشناسی داره و سالهاس�� تمرکزشو گذاشته روی این موضوع. پس آدمی نیست که یک شبه معروف و جوگیر شده باشه و بخواد کلی شعار رو بکنه تو چشمتون.
* به خاطر مورد قبل، وسط توضیحاتش از کیس های تراپی و مشاوره اش مثال میزنه که باعث میشه موضوع روشن تر بشه. که اگه حرفاش براتون روشن بوده باشه میتونین ازشون رد شین - کاری که من می کردم.
* کتاب دسته بندی های روشن و شفافی داره. خود این والدین رو به 4 دسته ی اصلی تقسیم میکنه و ویژگی هر کدومو میگه. یا میگه فرزندان اینا به دو دسته ی کلی -که نمیدونم چی ترجمه شون کنم!- تقسیم میشن.
* قطرش اون قدر نیست که حوصله تون سر بره و یک راست رفته سراغ اصل مطلب!
* واسه کنار اومدن با این افراد راهکار میده. میگه باید از بندشون بیاین بیرون، هرچقدر هم دلتون براشون بسوزه و هرچقدر هم به نظرتون تنها باشن باید خودتون رو ازشون جدا کنین. توی فصل آخر هم میگه: فرزندان، به خاطر ویژگی های والدشون در ادامه ی زندگیشون هم تمایل دارن به سمت دوستان یا شریک زندگی با ویژگی های مشابه جذب بشن. پس راه حل میده که چجوری این افراد رو تشخیص بدن و به جاش وارد رابطه با افرادی که به بلوغ رسیدن بشن.
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در آخر من توی زندگیم با آدمهایی روبه رو شدم که حس میکردم یک جای کارشون میلنگه چون هر چقدر هم انرژی میذارم و تلاش میکنم نمیتونیم به یک تفاهم زبانی برسیم و همیشه از حرفهام یک برداشت دیگه میشه! ولی نمیدونستم چرا و دقیقا چی بهشون میگن! الان فهمیدم! -
I found this book to be extremely helpful for my life. Currently, I'm in a position where I'm re-evaluating relationships that have failed and identifying why.
As the books says, it's common to find parents that fulfill your physical and financial needs without fulfilling your emotional needs. From a child's perspective, there can be tendency to envision your parents almost as Gods and infallible or that their loving qualities are being intentionally withheld from you. There can also be a belief that your own behavior will make them change. Whether it's through trying to help, listen, console, or beg for attention, there was a part of you that believed that you would eventually be shown the attention you were providing them or have your needs met.
This book gives the hard truth that a lot of people struggle with: it's likely that your parents are people who haven't healed their own emotional issues, can't offer you closeness or even show genuine emotional interest for who you are as a person. Their relationship with you is defined by their emotional scars. Whether this comes in the form of temper tantrums, rejecting you / showing you distance, letting someone else control them, losing track of time and consistency in their relationships -- they cannot and maybe even will not ever show you that close parent-child relationship.
I liked that this book was written in an objective way. This book isn't intended to teach you that you are right and they are bad people. It isn't intended for pointing fingers. This book tells you the truth: sometimes your parents haven't healed and they take it out on their kids and everyone else around them. This book will help you comes to terms with this. A lot of times with people like this, if you are close, it's more an enmeshment (you feeling as though you have to take care of your parent rather than the other way around). Every time you approach the relationship functioning from your inner child and with the expectation that if you did something differently, they will become the parent you want - you're going to feel disappointed every time.
Basically every time you change yourself to fit your parent's expectations by helping out with their kids, walking on eggshells, becoming more of what they want rather than who you are -- all these behaviors are self-defeating. You're setting yourself up to fail in other relationships in the long-run because you're accustomed to overvaluing someone else's perceptions rather than your own. Eventually, you will feel your inner voice creeping on you and telling you that something feels wrong with these learned behaviors that you have picked up.
This book basically provides long explanations of how a parent is an emotionally immature person, how you should let go of the dream of finally changing them, and how to stay objective and keep a relationship with them without expecting an emotionally fulfilling relationship back. It provides a good outline for other emotionally immature people, being mindful of people's maturity level before you get engaged about what you can expect from them, and suggests being objective as possible with people like this.
This book helped me understand friendships and relationships overall. It taught me where I learned to value other people more than myself, why I was doing this behavior, and how to make better decisions about who to have relationships with. It teaches you how to identify emotionally immature people and to keep your perception open for emotionally mature people that can reciprocate. By choosing emotionally immature people as friends or partners, it's likely that you're setting yourself up for failure because they tend to externalize themselves and their problems. People like this aren't likely to learn from mistakes and are more likely to repeat mistakes rather than learn from them. They tend not to self-reflect because they think that answers / circumstances to heal are outside of themselves.
You will know if you are dealing with an emotionally immature person if:
1. They are narrow-minded (once they have an opinion, they've made up their mind)
2. Doesn't deal with stress well
3. Have problems admitting mistakes, discount facts, blame other people
4. Expect other people to soothe them by doing what they want
5. Make decisions based on what feels good in the moment
6. Subjectively analyze things (based on how they feel rather than what is actually happening)
7. Egocentric without joy or openness (more from the perspective of insecurity and pain)
8. Likes to be the center of attention
9. Have intense but shallow emotions
10. Have low empathy / are emotionally insensitive (have a good ability to read other people's intentions and feelings but are superficially sentimental at most)
I've had both friendships and partners that resemble these traits and I understand why they were drawn to me. As more of an internalizer personality, I gave them a way to calm their stress down and make them feel like the center of attention. However when people are like this, they don't learn to self-reflect or consider how their actions / lifestyle contributed to their problems. Unfortunately being accommodating to people like this can be learned behavior from managing your parents with these same types of behaviors.
The point of this book is to let go of the dream that your parents or anyone in your life will change because you want them to. Be discerning of people and keep an eye out for people that can provide emotionally happy and reciprocal relationships rather than repeating learned behavior. -
Wow! Very insightful to the point that I think the author followed my mom around and took notes for the book. In all seriousness, very eye opening.
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During this pandemic, I am reading books that fall under the category Problems I Don't Have. (Other books I've read recently feature problems such as marrying someone and finding out you can't stand them, piracy, and being beheaded.) This book made me so happy that I grew up with parents who were interested in me and cared about my inner life, even though I was sometimes exasperating.
Anyway, this book is full of practical advice on how to respond (or not respond) to the emotionally immature people in our lives. I especially enjoyed learning about emotional contagion—the idea that instead of self-reflecting or self-soothing, emotionally immature people act like small children, radiating anger or sadness until somebody does something about the problem, infecting everyone around them with their bad mood. -
Надзвичайно важлива книжка. Всім, хто хоче краще розуміти оточуючих 👍🏻
Звісно, більше фокус на стосунках батьки-діти, але корисно буде майже всім, я думаю. Все ж рівень емоційної незрілості у нас досить високий, наскільки я можу судити зі своєї колокольні (абсолютно не фахово, а просто тому, що я людина і маю свої думки, ха) -
Not worth the paper it's printed on.
Reviewed in the United States on May 31, 2020
Book Review
Negative 1 stars
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
"Not worth the paper it's printed on."
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I picked up this book at the behest of my sister.
(She and I grew up in the same house with two damaged parents: One of them grew up in a destitute household and was a heroin addict for several decades and up until the end of his life. The other grew up rejected by her father and as a stepchild with two lighter-skinned siblings that were treated better.)
Even from the beginning, this author started off on the wrong foot with this me.
-The first red flag is that this book is published on a no-name label. And that's a bad sign, because when authors have something to say then they can usually get it said with a more reputable publishing house.
-The second red flag is that this doesn't appear to be that well-researched of a book. I count 36 references (including one from the Dalai Lama) , and only about 5 of them to peer-reviewed journals. The rest are all books (which may or MAY NOT have something to say, and are NOT subject to any type of peer review).
All are referenced to embedded notes, and almost none of them point directly to a page in these books (that may or may not have been of impact).
-The third red flag is that I have some questions about the author's background. As I look on her biography page, she notes that she changed majors 3 times in undergraduate and then she took *one* course in Developmental Psychology at the end. That led to a MS, and a Psy.D in between two different institutions. (It helps *none* that Psychology is one of those disciplines where diagnoses just vanish because people all of a sudden stop believing in them.)
There is no mention of the author having built her own successful family. (It makes me feel the way that I would about taking piano/composition lessons from a teacher who doesn't actually play: You can be a great pianist/composer without much theory, but a broad theory background does not make you a great pianist/composer.)
It has been observed more than one time that people who have their own mental issues spend their lives trying to solve those of others.
-The fourth red flag is that I just don't see where is the author's empirical component. Of course, there were these people called Freudian psychologists who could write books that were copiously sourced--even though there is no connection to empirical data. But, I wouldn't have a problem if this author had some type of quantitative model that she was developing sui generis.
She doesn't.
*******
Gibson tries to sell us on this ipse dixit notion of "emotionally immature" parents. (She *finally* gets around to trying to define it about 28 pages into the book. Not too well, as it happened.)
But, the questions I have are......
1. If somebody cannot develop because they never were in a position to do so.... Is it fair to call them "immature?" (My own father had 5 brothers and 1 sister and shared a house with another family that had 10 children.)
2. How can you give what you don't have? If you never had a chance to develop yourself growing up (because you were too worried about where that next crust of bread would come from), how do you try to teach your children what you don't know?
3. Some parents don't have emotional closeness, but other people go to the other extreme and develop relationships with their children that are so close that they enable the child's failure-to-launch. (Seen it many times.) Where to draw the line? How to differentiate?
4. Is there a genetic aspect to any of this? I just finished reading a pretty decent book by Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas (Know Your Child) about their 32 year longitudinal study of children developing into adults.
The bottom line is that much of people's personality traits are genetic.
And so this brings a restatement of the second question: If somebody is just genetically neurotic / with a poor personality, does it make any more sense to call them "immature" than it does to call somebody with hypothyroid "lazy"?
5. Okay, so you have determined that your parents were not perfect.
So now what?
Is it the first time that Imperfect Parents has happened?
Is there still no reason for you to recover the time that you have left with something that is important to you?
******
Verdict: I'm not going to be able to recommend this book as anything other than kindling for the barbecue pit.
My sister and I were raised in the same house by the same two damaged people, and we have both taken very different strategies to optimize the time that's left.
Mine:
1. Build my own family;
2. Understand that sunk costs are sunk and the clutching hand of time cannot be pried loose;
3. Be aware of the things that my own parents did wrong so that I don't make the same mistakes (there's absolutely NO EXCUSE for not learning from the bad experiences that you may have had);
4. Live around a community of people (Orthodox Jews in my case) that have a lot of family experience and positive examples of healthy living as well as what NOT to do.
5. Focus on getting as much as can be had out of the time that is left. And that's because the only possible final result is senescence and death--whether you solve this problem or not.
6. Decide by trial-and-error the appropriate distance between you and the parents. (The relationship may not be repairable, and it may not be worth it to pitch good time after bad.)
Her strategy:
1. Don't build a family (no husband or children);
2. Keep dwelling on the Irrevocable Past/Beating On Old Graves;
3. Keep trying to find meaning in solving Other People's Problems (first as a Peace Corps Volunteer and later in development work in 3rd world countries).
And yet this book makes sense to her!
It's *precisely* the fact that a book like this makes sense to her that is the most profound evidence that it is wrong.
I Read 50 pages, and that is time that I cannot get back.
But (again): sunk costs are sunk.
NOT recommended even at the price of $0.01.
the only way that I would read this book is if somebody paid me about $100 to read it. ($25 for each of 4 hours.) -
You brave girl, you're smiling for the school picture, but you had so much to deal with.
Sending virtual hugs to those who suffered enough from their emotionally immature primary caregivers as they grew up. May we all find solace in moving forward despite the vital pain. 🥺
With its easy-to-follow descriptions, the book tackles what emotional immaturity is, the types of emotionally immature parents, their negative impact on their children, and some tips to begin to heal and journey towards emotional maturity. The realizations here are dire for me. 😭
Yes, I know it's hard. But if there's a will, there's a way, even the tiniest one.
Working through childhood emotional injuries is the most effective way of waking up from repeating the past. 💪 -
I thought this would end up being a 4 or 4.5 star, but the practicality of the last few chapters in how to identify emotionally mature people and even a section for how to specifically identify emotionally mature people online took it to up to 5. A great blend of theory and application using easily digestible language. I learned about myself, the people around me, and most importantly my clients. I’ll be referencing this one and exercises within it a lot.
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Now many of us can trace the root cause of issues we struggle with as adults to our childhood. Often times we have our physical needs fulfilled while our emotional needs as children left a lot to be desired for especially if the parent is himself/herself emotionally immature. In this book, author Lindsay Gibson explains through various types of emotionally immature parents and the different ways children react to such parents i.e. internalisers and externalisers. This is followed by how one can work to break old role selfs we develop as children to fit in with our parents and which might not serve the purpose anymore or might simply be toxic. Full of practical advices this book should greatly help anyone who wishes to work on issues they struggle with and can trace it's origins in their childhood experiences.
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«Дорослі діти емоційно незрілих батьків»
Ліндсі К. Гібсон, 2015
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Ви маєте можливість прочитати цю книжку в українському перекладі від Видавництва Наталії Переверзєвої (2021).
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Я не хочу писати про неї багато, просто перегляньте анотацію, та якщо вам хоч щось відгукнулося - обов‘язково прочитайте її! Вона може пояснити багато ваших «примх/тарганів/звичок/моральних якостей»… це якщо дуже коротко.
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Про книжку:
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«Якщо ви виросли поруч з емоційно незрілими батьками, вам знайомі постійні відчуття самотності або невпевненості у власних силах. Подумки ви знову й знову повертаєтеся в дитинство і відчуваєте, як близькі нехтують вашими емоційними потребами та ігнорують ваші почуття.
Можливо, ви зарано стали поводитися, як доросла людина, яка більше не потребує емоційної допомоги. Або ви саме зараз знаходитеся в токсичних стосунках з емоційно незрілою люд��ною і прагнете зрозуміти, як бути далі.»
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“Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents”
by Lindsay C Gibson,
New Harbinger Publications, 2015
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Description:
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If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life.
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In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents’ emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you’ll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life.
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#примхливачитака -
Give this book a try if
1. you have unresolved issues from childhood that you carry to this day
2. the title of this book rings a bell
3. you think you have done everything imaginable to fight long-term depression, anxiety, or any other mental conditions, but they do not seem to go away
4. you blame yourself for the predicament you are in
5. you come from a dysfunctional family, and now you are a parent
This book can be a life-saver. It was for me. -
Kitabın adı insanı korkutuyor; sadece büyük travmalar yaşayan insanların ebeveynleri ile ilgili bu kadar katı söylemleri (mesafeli, reddeden, bencil.. vb) olabilir diye düşünüyor insan, ve kendi çekirdek ailesini bu kapsamda değerlendirmek istemiyor. Oysa ki başta ben ve benim yakın çevremde çocuk yetiştiren arkadaşlarım olmak üzere anlatılanlar hiç de uç noktalarda konular değil. Hepsi içimizden, bizden tespitler, çok yalın bir anlatımla yazılmış, ve eğer "farkında olmak" için içinizde yeterli istek ve motivasyon var ise, şiddetle tavsiyemdir bu kitap.
Duygusal ihmal, duygusal yakınlık ve duygusal yalnızlık ekseninde dönüyor kitap. "İhmal" kelime anlamı ile çok derin anlamlar çağrıştırıyor olsa da; istemediği şey olan bir çocuk ağlarken "burada ağlayacak bir şey yok" diyen kaç ebeveyniz bir düşünün sadece :)
Kitapta duygusal olarak olgunlaşmamış ebeveynlerin tipik davranışları, ve bunların karşısında çocukların geliştirdiği karşı davranışlar basit örneklerle dile getiriliyor. "İçselleştiriciler" ve "dışsallaştırıcılar" olarak iki farklı davranışsal tepki ile -birbirinden bu kadar farklı iki kardeş nasıl olabilir- sorusundaki hayret, somut gerçeklerle örtüşüyor. Ben hem kendi abim ile olan farklılaşmamızı, hem de etrafımda çarpıcı örneklerdeki kardeş hikayelerini birebir anlamlandırabildim kitabı okurken.
"Buradaki amaç, kendi hikayenizle ilgili gerçeği bilmenin verdiği özgüveni kazanmaktır."
Bu özgüveni kazanmak kolay bir süreç değil elbette; kitapta bu süreç için “pozitif parçalanma” terimi kullanılmış, ve şöyle ifade edilmiş; “İnsanların yeni herhangi bir şey öğrenmesi için eski zihinsel şablonlarının yıkılması ve bu şablonların yeni bilgiler ışığında yeniden kurulması gerektiğini gözlemlemiştir. Bu içsel yıkılma ve uyum sürecinde, entelektüel gelişimi sürdürmek esastır.” “Bu süreci, ilk başta yutulamayacak kadar büyük olan bir şeyi parçalamak olarak düşünün; hikayenizin sindirilebilir bir parçası olana kadar onu çiğnediğini düşünebilirsin.” Ve aslında kendi kişisel sürecimden de deneyimlediğim bir gerçek var ki; “İnsanlar çocukluk meselelerini konuştukça ve güçlü yanlarını farkettikçe, gerçek benlikleriyle yaşamaya başlamak için kendilerine güvenirler.”
"İçselleştiriciler başkalarına karşı fazlasıyla anlayışlı ve aşırı derecede duyarlıdır. Onlar için bir bağ kurmak çok güçlü bir ihtiyaç olduğundan, duygusal olarak olgunlaşmamış bir ebeveynle büyümek özellikle acı vericidir. İçselleştiriciler güçlü duygulara sahiptir ve başkalarını rahatsız etmekten çekinirler. Bu durum, duygusal olarak olgunlaşmamış ebeveynleri tarafından kolaylıkla ihmal edilmelerine sebep olur. Böylece bir rol benlik geliştirirler, ve diğer insanlara aşırı derecede odaklanırlar. Buna ek olarak, iyileştirici fanteziler de geliştirirler ve başkalarının kendilerine olan davranışlarını değiştirebileceklerini düşünürler."
Kitabı iki ayrı yerden ele alarak değerlendirmek lazım; kendi çocukluğumuz, ve kendi ebeveynlik stilimiz. Bu bağlamda bana Nilüfer Devecigil’in Işığın Yolu kitabını anımsattı. Kendi çocukluğuna dair yaraları olan ve bu bağlamda ailevi ilişkileri yönetmekte zorlanan kişiler için “yönetilebilir” tavsiyeler içeriyor kitap. İlgilenene, ben çok sevdim. -
I’m not sure that the knowledge that their hurtful behaviour is unintentional helps. However, this book was helpful in accepting the reality of the relationship with my parents. I now notice and understand their behaviour more clearly. It also sheds some light on why I loved some stories as a child, stories that at the core were about how children must fend for themselves after their parents have neglected or abandoned them.
I was already familiar with many of the effects of EIP on children because there’s an overlap with type 9s in enneagram theory, who often feel unseen by self-preoccupied parents and end up assuming role-selves and neglecting their own needs. So, my journey towards free self-expression began earlier and I can now say that I am better (but with big room for improvement) at being myself, expressing and taking care of my needs, asking for help, and sustaining emotional connections.
Yet, I still cling to the healing fantasy that they will change. I still hope my dad will prosper without my mom’s influence (there’s evidence of partial, but not sufficient, improvement). I still hope my mom will eventually embark on a journey of self-reflection.
I know I should suspend contact, set limits and move towards a relationship of relatedness. But I’m not sure of what I want. If I can’t have emotional intimacy from them, then what purpose could there be for having a working rapport? I don’t know what level of relationship might be possible. There’s decent prospects with my dad, while with my mother sometimes the situation seems hopeless, especially since it’s not just emotional immaturity, but it’s full-on narcissism.
I only know that I want to be okay. -
Important book, very helpful if you had to deal with emotional immature parents while growing up. I wish I knew all this earlier. Well, of course I knew, but I never really realised these things and often blamed myself. So, recommended for people whose parents gave them a rough time. Easy to read, also includes some questions to ask yourself to make you think and reflect.
