| Title | : | Domination Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 1492775975 |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9781492775973 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 496 |
| Publication | : | First published September 22, 2013 |
Domination Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Reviews
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WARNING: This guy is a convicted sex offender and is currently incarcerated in a federal prison for picking up a seventeen year old girl from New York and taking her to Oklahoma to be one of his slaves. If you have any doubts, look him up by his legal name, Charles Michael Segaloff. Previous to this conviction, he was convicted for second degree assault with sexual motivation in 2003. Unfortunately I was unable to find more details on that particular case, but from what I have learned and understand, he has NO kind of authority or expertise in the BDSM community or lifestyle and in fact is in opposition to many who truly have standing in the BDSM community. After learning this information, I will be returning this book and will not be reading any further. However, I must say the foreword of this book promises to use facts and citations to substantiate the information presented. No citations were used until about the fourth chapter and those citations were not relevant to the BDSM lifestyle, which made me somewhat uncomfortable considering the promises made at the beginning of this book. The information presented is from the author’s opinion and perspective, which I do not value very highly considering the information I discovered regarding his history and behavior. Please take the information you receive from this book with a grain of salt and do your research about those stating they are any type of expert.
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Honestly, I'm at loss as to why this book has such a good rating on Goodreads. Though it may provide some learning material for an absolute novice, and I admit even I learned a few things, I still would not recommend it to anyone for a variety of reasons. I sincerely hope there are better, more objective introductory pieces to the lifestyle because I did not enjoy this much at all.
First of all, the writing is not very good. Makai's attempts at humor may work for some, but I found myself irritated by them more often than not. That could be because more than once he comes off as sexist, ableist and even fat shaming, but hey, maybe that's just me?
And maybe it's all well and good if you're straight since his book is as heteronormative as mainstream literature! For all his talk of the "inclusiveness" of the BDSM scene, the writer seems for the most part to have forgotten about the existence of other sexual orientations.
Oh but he's a straight dominant man so he's just writing about what he knows best! Sure. Whatever. Too bad most of his "personal anecdotes" come off more as self-congratulatory back-patting than relevant additions to the other content.
I think the first sentence of the first chapter pretty much sets the tone for the whole book: "Just as we might expect any reasonable discussion of the solar system to focus first upon the sun, we're going to begin our examination of Domination/submission (D/s) relationships by taking a look at the self-appointed center of the D/s universe, the Dominant." Yeah, great! Oh and apparently God is a Dominant too! "If God exists, he's got to be a Dom." I mean, thats just like, your opinion man, and I know some Doms have egos bigger than the solar system, but isn't that just a tad arrogant?
Let's not forget the author's decision to refer to the Dominant as "he" and the submissive as "she". He says it is "not the result of any gender bias, but simply a way to avoid the awkward and clunky "he or she" - or even worse, the grammatically incorrect "they"." The grammatically incorrect they! The horror! Anyway, this decision would've been much easier to accept if he had not decided to repeat it in pretty much every damn chapter! Not the only thing he repeats, by the way. Each and every one of his "witticisms" seems to find its way to more than one place in this book just in case you missed it the first two times. Or somehow forgot to laugh. Which, to be honest, I did.
There is a whole chapter dedicated to the first meeting and safety precautions where the author basically advises against sex during the first meeting and then proceeds to narrate his own story of a first meeting that includes sex.
Oh and he created a whole new category of Dominants just for himself. "The White Knight Dom". To be fair, he admits to being full of himself. Which actually does not make any of this any better.
A couple of other things that were really jarring:
"I'm usually a pretty happy guy. I once had a psychologist tell me that I was like a bi-polar person who didn't have a down-side. The old label for people like me used to be 'manic' but that term went out of style when 'manic-depressive' did. Now, the politically correct, technical term for people like me is 'too-damn-happy' or, sometimes, 'consistently, nauseatingly cheerful'" (Comparing being happy to being bipolar is obviously pretty insensitive and definitely not politically correct. Not to mention, just simply incorrect! Does this guy even know how bipolar disorder works? I'd bet the answer is no.)
"Perhaps that makes me a little like those whack-jobs on Hoarders who sit around watching TV while sharing a ratty couch with a big stinking pile of dead cats." (Seriously. Compulsive hoarding is an actual disorder - or a symptom of another condition - so can we not call people suffering from it "whack-jobs". For all this guy's observations on how people in the D/s lifestyle might be rejected by vanilla individuals he sure does not know how to be considerate towards other minorities!)
"Perhaps you've noticed how trouble always seems to follow certain so-called optimists the way fat kids go for cake." & "they fold like a dollar-store card table under a fat kid twerking on You Tube." Yeah. Obesity is unhealthy. But can we not? Can we just not? -
If Makai was as good a writer as he is experienced as a Dominant, Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook would have been a fantastic read. Instead, Makai’s obvious lack of writing skill, disdain of BDSM dynamics he doesn’t like, and insistence on including his life story, however, irrelevant to the subject at hand, is what comes across most to me in his Amazon bestselling book. However, if you can overlook these things, as well as the poor formatting of this book (and I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t!), there is some quality information in there. You just have to wade through all the shit to get there.
The actual content of the book is pretty good if you can persevere through the majority of the book, which is about Makai’s own experiences in being a Dominant. Makai, a self-proclaimed “BDSM Yoda”, is certainly knowledgeable about BDSM, and more specifically, Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationships. As he tells the reader frequently, he’s been a Master for over 35 years, damn it, he’s a goddamn expert! He does a good job of simplifying the often confusing information out there on the basics of D/s. The first few chapters are an introduction to BDSM, the roles of the Dominant and submissive, and the types of Doms and subs Makai believes are out there. (He addresses Doms with male pronouns and subs with female pronouns because he hates using the word “they” – if that bothers you, you won’t like this book.) While giving a decent overview of the varied roles Doms and subs may take, there is a fair bit of judgement coming from Makai on roles he obviously doesn’t like. For example, he looks down on new subs in the scene, often called them “pseudo submissives” instead of correctly labelling their sub frenzy as something normal to newcomers. This bothered me, as a somewhat new submissive to the scene, that those who are learning what being submissive is all about were being criticised mercilessly instead of treated with compassion. I suppose Makai’s dislike of new subs could be explained by his personal experiences, but I just found it elitist and rude. No one is born knowing exactly who or what they are, and for many it’s a long journey of discovery, especially in BDSM. To claim otherwise is ridiculous.
Makai does leave an impression of arrogance and judgement, especially when he’s describing something that he doesn’t agree with or like personally. As the author of a “BDSM Relationship Handbook”, I find this completely unacceptable. If you’re writing a factual, impartial “handbook” on a subject, you need to be as thorough and unbiased as possible. By bringing your own opinions on a subject to the table, you’re giving readers misinformation based on your views (whether they be accurate or not). Makai really doesn’t live up to this and muddies his own opinions with objective information throughout the book.
That’s not to say it’s all bad – there were chapters that I genuinely enjoyed reading and got a great deal of knowledge out of. I particularly enjoyed the chapters on Gorean history and dynamics, as that is something I knew nothing about before I read this book that I was keen to learn more on. Like most of the other chapters, there is too much of Makai’s personal thoughts and history and too little of an objective explanation. I learned much more about Makai’s obsession with the Gor novels during his youth than the actual history of Gorean subculture within BDSM. Nevertheless, it was an informative chapter. Much of Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook is like this – a mountain of Makai’s own backstory, with some hidden gems of wisdom about D/s and BDSM in there if you can persevere through the personal stories.
Have a good look at the photo of a passage of the book above to the left, and think about if it looks good and is readable or not. Do you see how fucking often he uses italics to no outcome or purpose?? At least 10% of this book is in italics, I kid you not. It drives me insane! Something as basic as this would have been easily avoided if he went through the conventional route of publishing through a publishing house – an editor would have cleaned that up in no time. However, the overuse of italics is just one of the starkly obvious signs that Makai wrote the entire book on his own, with little to no outside direction or editing. Another cringe-worthy feature is that Makai seems to have used the basic configuration of Microsoft Word for the entirety of the book. Again, maybe if wouldn’t bother most readers, but formatting is such an understated part of the experience of enjoying reading a book. Bad formatting really cheapens the experience of reading this book.
Maybe I expect too much from Makai, the BDSM Yoda that he is. But if I’m going to pay $20 or so for a book, I expect at the very least for it to not make me want to smash my head against a wall, purely based on formatting. If the content was outstanding, I might be able to overlook it. But it really isn’t.
Makai lets himself down with Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook. The decent content is hidden beneath piles of unnecessary personal comments, judgements, and anecdotes on the subject matter. If I wanted an autobiography of his life, I’d have bought one. For a book that has “Relationship Handbook” in the title, it really has very little advice on relationships at all. Disappointing to say the least. -
This is a must read book for those starting into the BDSM lifestyle. It's also great for those who have been around for a while. For those who are interested in learning about more than just the terminology, Mr. Makai will provide it. This book is set up easy to read by covering the main types of "categories" of people in the lifestyle. He then further breaks it down and explains the different types, both good and bad. The later part of the book covers the many popular techniques of a BDSM scene. What really makes this book so powerful is his own perspective. Every chapter contents his "own 2 cents". It's interesting to note that Mr. Makai shied away from this at first because he's a private man. To share this much detail can be discomforting. Yet he does it with such grace and humility that it is clear, Mr. Makai is experienced in the lifestyle. He's learned from his mistakes and he wishes to pass it on to others so they don't have to learn the hard way. For this, I wish the book came out twenty years ago!
I generally devour a book. Non fiction does take me much longer to get through because I love to highlight and take notes. At one point, there was a deal offered to have both a hardcopy and eBook at a discounted price. Those who took advantage of that deal definitely won. There are many gems in this book. I've only highlighted the ones that caught my attention. Bear with me as I go through them. This is a book which should be read with others and discussed. It's that damn good.
The types of dominants really spoke to me. I have come across many of these types and find this book to be dead on. I encourage every new person to read this section.
The Class III Sexual Sadist is someone who acts out his sexually sadistic impulses with non-consenting individuals, but does not want to seriously injure or kill them. Sure, he’s a predator and rapist but, apparently, he’s the Care Bear kind. (p. 29)
Ooh, I like this this kind of sadist.
The Collector is typically an adolescent male in his teens or early twenties who has recently stumbled upon D/s in an online chat room or lifestyle-related website. He is agog and obsessed with the thought that he can actually acquire slaves online the same way he shops for Pokemon cards. He typically doesn’t understand the difference between a submissive and a slave and may, in fact, be completely ignorant of the meaning of the term submissive. For the Collector, it’s all about slaves and more is always better. To absolutely no one’s surprise but his own, he soon learns that keeping them is an entirely a different matter - a matter to which he hasn’t given an iota of thought.
Luckily for the Collector, there is always an endless supply of naive teens willing to role play “slave for a day.” The important thing, for the Collector, is to be able to boast, “You have a slave? Hah! That’s nothing! I have twenty-seven of them!” (p. 34)
Oh dear lord. I've been lucky and never interacted with this type. But I've seen them and crossed paths. They don't have to be young males in their teens. They can be older and female too. Not to spill other people's business, but a friend of mine has unfortunately run across one of these collector females.
Dogs are eager to please. They are not only willing to alter their appearance and behavior to please their partners, they live for it. The dog person derives a tremendous amount of joy and fulfillment from the approval that comes from her mate as the result of any change in her wardrobe or hair color, the success of her diet, or progress in overcoming bad habits. If you fit into this latter category; if you’ve ever found yourself asking your partner what you should wear, how you should eat, or whether you should quit smoking, then there’s a very good chance that you might be a submissive. (47)
Er, I'm a dog? I always thought I was more feline. I do admit I like when my DH controls my clothing options.
The internet abounds with web site tutorials for frustrated Dominants on “How to Train Your Bratty Submissive.” Unfortunately, most of them miss the point entirely and should, instead, be tutorials on “How to Spot and Avoid a Phony Submissive.” (p.55)
AH HAH! I liked this point. What I find interesting is that when this is mentioned, some people scream, "THERE IS NO WONE TWUUE WAY!". True. But there are also phonies. Just like there are phony twenty dollar bills…
Gorean tradition can best be summed up by this proverb from John Norman’s writings: “There are only two sorts of women – slaves, and slaves.” If feminism and the empowerment of women are among your primary guiding principles, it’s a pretty fair bet that kajira training is just going to piss you off. (p. 58)
This was a problem for me. Here I am, a militant feminist and yet I read a Gorean book and was all aroused. What was wrong with me? It's clear, I wasn't cut out to be a femi-nazi militant feminist. I guess I squeak, not roar.
One of the down-sides of Daddy Dom/Little relationships is the unfortunate fact that they reward childish behavior. Because the dynamic can mask naiveté and places more emphasis on cuteness than common sense, these online venues also tend to attract people who are actually mind-numbingly immature or under-aged. Imagine how you might feel to learn that your exciting new online friend, who just happens to be awfully good at playing the role of a naughty twelve year-old, isn’t acting. This, my friend, is what nightmares are made of. (p.59-60)
Oh dear lord, this one had me cringing yet laughing.
but there are three principles which I believe can make that journey safer, quicker, and tremendously more fulfilling. The first is quite simply this: Time is your friend. Don’t be in such a hurry to find, submit, or commit to a Dominant. He isn’t a carton of milk. There’s no expiration date stamped on his ass. (p. 61)
The second principle would be: Consider a collar, if one is involved, as symbolic of your mutual commitment.
The third principle is crucial, and often much more difficult than the first two. Here it is, in a nutshell: If you have serious trust issues, don’t bother. Don’t even think about jumping into a D/s relationship. The bedrock and foundation of every D/s relationship is trust. Entering into or even considering a D/s relationship knowing that you cannot trust is a little like skydiving without a parachute. It may start out great, but it doesn’t end well.
WTF? This third principle should be first! Although, I kind of want to check male dominants' asses now to see if there is an expiration stamp.
Deluded Undisciplined Masochists & Bottoms Earnestly Living the Lifestyle in Error as Submissives - It would be abbreviated as DUMBELLES. (p.64)
Is it wrong I agree?
Typically, the pseudo-sub is someone who may be fairly new to the lifestyle and doesn’t quite understand that just because she is a ropebunny, spankophile, masochist, or bottom, that this doesn’t necessarily make her a submissive. She usually isn’t trying to deceive anyone; it’s all simply the unfortunate but predictable result of erroneously assuming that because she is a bottom, she must also be a submissive. (64)
A pseudo-sub is never wrong. She’s just learning life lessons on her own, the hard way. (65)
A pseudo-sub thinks the rules only apply to all those other submissives. She’s special.(65)
A pseudo-sub thinks that having a Dom will magically fix whatever is wrong with her.
A pseudo-sub has years of experience at being told what to do by her former Dominant. The fact that she didn’t actually do any of those things is completely irrelevant. (66)
GAH! I've met a couple of these.
I can’t make good decisions, if they’re based on bad information. Please don’t ever tell me something just because you think that’s what I want to hear. There’s no way that can ever end well.” (67)
THIS!! Seriously, this is more than just in the BDSM lifestyle. W.T.F? Why do people do this?
At best, anyone who has had very little lifestyle experience to speak of and just a few serious D/s relationships might be more accurately described as a provisional Switch. In other words, he or she may be a Switch, subject to change. (p.73)
Is this what I am? Hmm. It took me years to figure out I was I switch. I always thought I was a bad submissive.
He carefully observes, stalks, tracks, hunts, chases, and takes down his prey and relishes every moment of it. If he classifies you as a predator yourself, you can expect a Primal to steer a wide path around you, preferring to seek out prey, instead. (p. 88)
Is it just me, or does this not cause you to feel aroused? I'm aroused. I have no problems running and being prey.
What comes as a surprise to many who may not be familiar with Primals is the fact that they typically do not identify or connect themselves with the Furry subculture. Furries, for the benefit of anyone who may have been living in a cave for the past few decades, are people who role-play anthropomorphic animal characters with human characteristics. A furry may look like a dog, or cat, or fox, or skunk, but he walks and talks and acts just like a human being in most respects. In other words, a furry is, in practically every way that counts, the exact opposite of a Primal. A Primal is a human who instinctively thinks, acts, and perceives the word in an animalistic way. He considers his Primalism a core personality trait, rather than a role, and will often view himself as a human-animal hybrid, or humanimal. A furry, by contrast, is a role-player who is part of a fandom, rather than a lifestyle. His fascination is with looking the part of an animal, while maintaining most or all of the characteristics of humanity. (p. 91)
In all honesty, I've read of Primals before. I'm not sure if I've ever interacted with one. But it sounds so very intense and exciting. It makes me wet thinking about it. Furries are cute. They don't arouse, but they do make me want to pet them.
Now, there is a lot more but this isn't an exam and there are no more Cliff Notes from me. Buy this book and you will enjoy it. It is not dry. Mr. Makai does an excellent job of keeping it light with his humour, even when he is discussing serious matters. Highly recommend this book for BDSM education.
*I received this book as a review copy from the BDSM Group's R2R in return for an honest review -
It was an excruciating slog through this ill-conceived, poorly-edited book. I definitely won't be seeking out anything else by this author.
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Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook WAS NOT what I was expecting. Really, when I requested a copy of the book from Michael Makai to read and review it, I was expecting a few hundred pages of random info that can be found pretty much anywhere online.
THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS BOOK IS!! Oh NO! This book... Is SO, SO much more! So much so in my opinion, that I am pretty sure there is NO WAY my review is going to come anywhere close to doing it justice.
Domination & Submission was REALLY and eye opener. It tells you EVERYTHING you could possibly want to know, things you never wanted to know, and tons you'd never think to even wonder about.
Before reading this book, I had been questioning a lot about my thoughts and feelings. Am I a sub or a bottom? Is this something I WANT or something I NEED? It didn't ANSWER my questions, so much as it gave me the information I needed to answer them myself.
Domination & Submission Is not just for the s type, it's for ANYONE fairly new to D/s & BDSM. It's for anyone who has those "QUESTIONS". You know the questions I'm talking about. The Questions you don't feel comfortable asking just anyone. I personally, am more then happy to learn from Michael's mistakes and life's lessons.
Here are just a FEW of the topics/chapters that effected ME the most:
The Dominant
The Submissive
Online BDSM Relationships
The Collar
BDSM Groups and Activities
Polyamory
Sex, Love, D/s, & BDSM
D/s, BDSM, and Religion
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Those topics barely scrape the iceberg that is this HUGE well of information! Best of all, it's delivered in a well thought out and sometime comedic way. My advice, buy the paperback so you can highlight and dogear the crap out of it!
OH, and I just looked... It's on sale right now on Amazon!! I think that if your truly seeking information about D/s and BDSM, It's a steal, and a MUST READ!! -
Reading
this review, I wish I could negative read this book!
Update:
he's a convicted sex offender -
I thoroughly enjoyed reading ‘Dominance & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook’ by the author Michael Makai. The subject matter resides close to the writer’s heart, which comes through in this book. As a participant with decades of practice in the lifestyle, his experience gives credence to the broad description he provides in this handbook. Each chapter concludes with a personal anecdote or thought, giving them depth and humor. In my opinion, these vignettes made this book stand out among others of the same genre.
One of them humorously illustrates the general reaction he receives from his submissives, when, as a self-described polyamorous knight, he brings home yet another newly found and rescued princess. Congrats to him on keeping such a well-tempered collection of princesses in his castle! Most men would get pots and pans thrown at them if they tried to pull that off; but the polyamorous lifestyle he embraces welcomes such possibilities.
The book covers the colloquial essence of BDSM, and the author expects there may be reader dissention on what each one means to them. I do not disappoint in this regard, as I have developed my own strong view points on the general terms employed in the lifestyle. A description of a masochist which includes ‘someone who enjoys being sexually humiliated’ had me reread the line a few times. I know masochists who abhor humiliation of any kind, and it is difficult for them to deal with the general assumption they enjoy it. I also diverged on the offered definition of a ‘true dominant’ as I know some who are generally easy going and unassuming, yet can dominate willing submissives with finesse and skill. To this reader at least, they also qualify as ‘true dominants’.
There was a significant portion of a chapter on the dangers of dating online and meeting in real life for the first time. Some well-intended women did not live to tell what ensued once they did, as they were raped and brutally murdered. The author not only gives these unfortunate ladies a voice, he also gives wise advice on using due diligence before going on a real life encounter. As the author says, time is our friend, so if there is a connection to be had, it need not be rushed.
It was interesting to read about ‘primal’ people which I had never heard about. They are more animalistic in how they approach potential mates, as well on how they act once the connection is made. Their way is a little too rough and raw for this reader, but for many that must be just ‘the thing’ to make their blood flow like the Amazon River. The author also provides a quiz one can take to see where they rank on the primal echelon.
At some point in the book, the author recalls a long road trip with his elderly father, when he attempts, as skillfully as he could that day, to describe the nature of his loving relationships. Needless to say, the senior gentleman is struggling to grasp the meaning of it all. He remembers the numerous young ladies Michael introduced to him to over the years, and cannot believe they were his son’s willing slaves. It is my assumption that in that moment, the source of his father’s incredulousness stems from the wish that he had known this was possible when he still had enough testosterone to do the same thing! The exchange is precious.
The author states he hopes the book is helpful in some way; that this is important to him. I can say it has helped me understand something about myself which was unclear to me before. I had an “oh, that’s what that is” moment, and for curious people like me, those are usually satisfying realizations.
For readers who are interested in finding more about the lifestyle, I highly recommend this book. It both teaches and entertains. Well done. -
Mike Makai’s book Domination-Submission-BDSM relationship handbook is a definite must read. Not only does it give informative information on safety (both from a Doms. View and a Subs View) but it touches on today’s issues of online dating for a D/s and BDSM relationship. I couldn’t put it down until I had read it cover to cover (glad I got the print version so I can use it as a reference.) As a new person in the lifestyle it answered some questions I myself was just too shy to ask. It dealt with everything from safety to kinky toys, Collars to a glossary of the differences between subs, babygirls, bottoms and tops. What BDSM means and some of the protocol for local munches and dungeons. His real life stories helps bring a better understanding on issues that might arise and how to safe guard against that. His stories will make you laugh and (for a few of us subbies) make you cry. His Quips and MY TWO CENTS..will help you understand how a Dom might think as well as give YOU ideas on what kinky plans you yourself can do from the making of some of those awesome kinky toys to furnishings. If you’re in the lifestyle or even if you’re curious this is the book for you, One you’ll find yourself picking up over and over.
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I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
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Did you ever think, how much easier would life be, if it came with a handy guidebook?
Well this. This is it. This is what I've needed in my life. Let me clarify that. It's amazing what you learn about yourself the more you read about different types human relationships. Like my psychology prof liked to say, you can't read something like this and not try to figure out where you sit in the spectrum of roles. And by all means, that's the point. I'll have to agree with the author on this, don't just read this. Examine it, examine yourself, your life, what you really want out of your life. Everything.
Personally, I've been increasing curious about BDSM and this book was almost disturbing in how enlightening it was. Sure, I'd figured out bits and pieces along the way, but this book covered everything. Categories of information, sub-categories, everything broken down into easily digestible chunks. I now know things that I didn't even want to know, but most definitely should. My favourite thing about it was that it didn't read like a textbook or how to guide. No, the information was very accessible, relayed in a provocative manner, and surprisingly personal.
There's a huge difference between fantasy and reality and this book did an amazing job of differentiating between the two. It focused on the real and we all know reality never works out the way we want it to. There's a lot involved for anyone who's thinking about getting into this lifestyle. The book raised questions that I (and probably most others who aren't actively involved) have never thought of as well things that need to be carefully considered before jumping into the deep end.
So yes, this was meticulously researched. It's a wealth of information. I'd like to say anyone even remotely curious should give this a once over, but honestly, I think you'd get a lot more out of it if you really want to learn, seriously considering, or already a part of the BDSM scene. It's just more meaningful that way.
Now excuse me while I go re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about myself. -
Michael Makai
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook
Have you ever wanted to find a written resource on a subject matter that wasn't written like a legal brief with twenty dollar words and phrases that left your eyes glazed over? Well LOOK NO MORE! Michael Makai has brought his "A" game to shed light on this years "HOT" topic, the sexy,dark and hidden subject BDSM. He has written the perfect guide or resource whether you are a "tourist", "Newbie", or lifetime participant in the lifestyle of BDSM.
I will be honest, anytime the title has the word "Handbook" in it I think of dry as dust literature. From the first page Michael makes you aware of his passion being a "Dom" it's not just a personality for him. Michael his a need to educate, guide, and bring you answers to questions on the BDSM lifestyle and culture. His anecdotal comments and stories throughout the book as well as the "My Two Cents Worth" at the end of each chapter, gives the reader a glimpse into his mistakes, success's, joys and sorrows living in the lifestyle.
I would recommend this book whether you are just curious, sticking your toe into the lifestyle, or are a lifelong participant of BDSM. Relationships whether vanilla or kinky require a certain amount of self reflection in order to maintain and grow or to know when to admit a relationship is over. Michael teaches that honesty,trust, respect, giving/sharing/taking control, purpose, truthfulness, communication, joy are all key ingredients of any BDSM relationship. All that's left is to say, Thank you Sir.
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook needs to be in your library.
Provided by the Author through BDSM group TPE BAR Read2Review -
Ok, so this isn't something I would normally read. I've been in a committed relationship for a long time....like 26 years so we kinda know our kinks by now. But as it was a challenge and I'm one to never back down from a challenge I dove right into this 500 page dictionary of BDSM terms and some very long winded definitions. Now if you are truly clueless about the lifestyle then by all means pick it up and use it as a starting point, but remember everyone's relation ship and character is different. What has or has not worked for this author will more then likely not work for you.
There are a few things I liked about this book. First I liked the personal stories so much better then the definitions. Second, I liked that it was pretty through touching on many different facets of the lifestyle. But I did not get the warm fuzzy feeling about this persons relationships and that scares me just a bit when I think a new Dominant might take some of these lessons to hear. I guess I missed the part where trust has to be earned, I think the 85% area just left me with a cringe.
So my rating is somewhat fluid between a 3 and a 4 stars.
Material covered 4 stars.
Execution 3 stars. -
Holy bloody yikes, no way batman!
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/natio... -
provided by the Author through BDSM group TPE BAR Read2Review
This is a definite "must read" for everybody who's just a little bit curious about D/s relationship. Author provides great questions everybody should ask themselves at least once. The handbook is educational with valid points and a pinch of humour so it's never boring. I loved his 2 cents at the end of every chapter, it made everything real so it doesn't sound like a dull textbook. His insight and advice with real life experience can help Doms and subs. For example I liked his lesson about honesty and I couldn’t agree more:
“I can’t make good decisions, if they’re based on bad information. Please don’t ever tell me something just because you think that’s what I want to hear. There’s no way that can ever end well.”
I learned a lot from this book. So thank you “White Knight Dom”, you helped me :) It was equally entertaining and well written with enough examples and safety tips. It could be an eye opener for people who are new to BDSM and even to those who are not into it. It is easy to understand with glossary and explanation.
I also never knew much about Gorean way and author explained a lot of it with pieces from the original books which were quite entertaining even though I have no desire to practice Gorean style but it woke up interest in me at least to read the books. He painted a fictional world I want to know more about. Despite my degree in philosophy I learned a fun fact that Aristotle liked pony play. I knew that ancient Greek were kinky but that was a fun news to me.
I would recommend this book to everybody who is curious about the lifestyle or is already in it. It is full of great advice, safety tips and anecdotes.
“To know the difference between a kink and a lifestyle, and to be honest about that with your potential partners.”
“…keep in mind that D/s is all about the relationship dynamic, while BDSM is about kink activities.” -
This book was so much more than I was expecting. It is the perfect How to/What to/Go to BDSM guide. Every aspect is touched on. Several safety concerns are discussed I never would have thought of. I guess I never thought about how easy it would be to track you down. I truly enjoyed the author's personal stories and his take on the various topics. I would consider this book a must read for anyone just starting out in BDSM.
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- How kinky?
Pretty much. He covers a very wide gamut of practices, from physical to psychological. "Kinky" isn't up to your definition in this book. No matter what your definition of kinky, it's probably here.
- How sexy?
Well, it is a reference book, so it doesn't necessarily have to be sexy. But Makai includes a lot of his own anecdotes, and some of those get pretty hot.
- How informative?
Very. there is a lot of very good info in here. A lot. It's lovely and long, which so many books trying to be 'guides to kink' just aren't.
- How engaging?
Mildly so. Some chapters I was sorely tempted to skip, but I never do when I'm reviewing. Other chapters, I didn't want to put down. So it lies somewhere in the middle between 'riveting' and 'shut up now please'. Previously not-much-written-about topics Makai covers in detail include: Gorean lifestyle, toys such as chastity belts, play such as Primal play, and philosophical topics such as BDSM and Religion.
- How well executed?
Aha. Well. Makai writes well, and his writing itself can be quite engaging, but he makes an attempt at writing a "definitive guide" (his words) and, IMO, fails quite badly. It's difficult to claim that it is poorly executed - it just doesn't live up to the goal that the author was clearly trying to reach.
- Negatives?
Oh, boy. I just truly dislike the egotism that is practiced within the writing. He claims to be so experienced and knowledgable; claims to be writing a definitive guide; claims to be writing from an objective perspective, and fails sadly. He even included little additions at the end of each chapter, called "My Two Cents On (Subject)", whereas arguably, the entire chapter is his own opinion of said subject. He writes from one perspective only - not a problem if your book is intended as "Michael Makai's Book of Dominance and submission", but a serious issue when touted as "The BDSM Relationship Handbook: The definitive guide" etc. Plus, I have always been a firm believer in that old red-flag: "Rule of thumb: If you need to say you’re a master, you probably aren’t a master. Be wary of any top who brags excessively about his “experience” and “scene cred.”"
Makai gives broad-brush descriptions of almost any toy you can imagine, for example, but doesn't mention key safety information. He talks about wax play, and mentions beeswax candles, but doesn't seem to be aware that most wax play practitioners caution us never to use beeswax candles as their melting point of about 63°C will burn skin, not just feel hot (which is the desired sensation in wax play). An example of this is in the Toys chapter, where he tells us he is a fan of Saran Wrap as a BDSM toy, but that we should "take proper precautions." That's it. That's as far as he goes on the subject of Saran Wrap, arguably an incredibly dangerous toy when used improperly. He does not mention that it should never, ever cover the mouth and nose, that it should never be taped on without safety measures taken, and that the mummified person should never be left unattended. I agree, he does tell us "to take proper precautions", but doesn't go into detail about what those precautions might be. He also mentions Waterpiks, telling us joyfully that they are lots of fun for sensation play, "Or, if you’re an adventurous and creative kinkster, for your nipples, clit, cock and anus." And then promptly neglects to even mention that they should never, ever be directed into the vagina or anus for safety reasons. I would have thought that would be considered a necessary point to add.
Now, this may seem nitpicky to those who say, 'But it's just common sense!' or, 'But it's not his job to explain safety precautions', or even just, 'He doesn't have to go into safety as a subject - it's not a safety book'. To those people, I reply: Common sense is not that common, we all know that; he does state that this is a "definitive guide", so one would presume (unwisely) that he covers all basic aspects of the subjects he writes about; and thirdly, he does expound lengthily about the safety of some other types of play, dedicating multiple pages to safety during cell popping, and when learning to use bullwhips (should those even be included in a beginner's book?), and mentioning several times that breast play can cause fibroids: "Fibroids are not inherently dangerous to a woman’s health, but they can result in false positives in mammograms and may affect the aesthetic appearance of the breasts." Makai, Michael (2013-09-20). Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (p. 235). . Kindle Edition. Going into that sort of detail regarding a situation that isn't dangerous (but affects the look of your titties!), one would expect he would expand thoroughly on ensuring your bottom's ability to breathe.
Makai also doesn't even touch on the subject of negotiating or discussing possible psychological side effects of physical play, such as past trauma triggers etc. Knowing that the book is designed partially to cater to newbies, who may not be aware that such pre-discussion is necessary, I feel this presents an ethical conundrum.
Side note: He does give over almost an entire, quite lengthy, chapter to safety of person and information when meeting people online. While it was tedious to read (because I agreed with him), I cannot bring myself to condemn such excruciatingly detailed chapters. Safety online, and especially when meeting someone IRL, can never be taken too seriously.
Other areas that irritated me were supposedly final words on subjects which are clearly open to argument and discussion: "In fact, there is no shortage of people who typically react to the merest mention of Gor almost viscerally, with much hostility and resentment. What causes them to respond so negatively to anyone or anything seemingly connected to the Gorean way? The answer lies in two little words: the internet." Makai, Michael (2013-09-20). Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (p. 150). . Kindle Edition. He goes on to explain that the only reason we hate Goreans so much is obviously because of the internet. Well, personally, I for one react slightly negatively towards the idea of the Gorean phenomenon due to the fact that I once narrowly escaped a situation with a man who truly, no-joking believed in the planet Gor, and followed the dictates of the Gorean philosophy to the point of almost fanatical obsession - in his private and public life. He did not temper his beliefs to anyone, subs or co-workers alike, and treated those who were not Gorean with an attitude of contempt and derision. I am by no means trying to imply that all, or most, or even that many, Goreans are like this. I am just pointing out that Makai has a narrow world-view and writing style that does not appear to be unduly influenced by opinions other than his own. As I said - he tends to comes across as extraordinarily egotistical (he has an entire appendix dedicated to his own quotes).
There were one or two other irritations within this book, such as the fact that the chapter on 'First Meetings' is entirely, without exception, devoted to meeting someone for the first time in real life after having an online relationship first. I'm not saying this is uncommon, but some info on how to meet like-minded people in the lifestyle without having met them on the net would have been a good thing to include. Meeting partners, and especially having online relationships, simply isn't as prevalent as Makai would have you believe (IMO). If a newbie were to pick up this book, and go only by the info within its pages, they may get the impression that meeting partners and beginning relationships online - even having entire relationships conducted online, from first contact to falling in love to arranging shared residences - is the norm. I do not personally believe this to be the case. (Common, yes; desirable, arguably not; more common than having relationships in real life, I seriously doubt it.) In fact, Makai doesn't touch on how to begin a real life relationship (as in, without the use of the internet) at all. This truly worries me.
Some, though few, value judgments are made. One that comes to mind is the instance in which Makai equates promiscuity with (the debatably existent condition) sex addiction. This is just likely to alienate readers who hold the increasingly popular view (famously espoused by the book The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt) that promiscuity is powerful and empowering, and overwhelmingly a good thing, something to be proud of. Get with the times, Makai!
A minor but important point I would also like to make is this: the editing could have been much better. This is evidenced by several errors, and instances of poor writing. Firstly, factual errors, such as when Makai tells us that the word 'polyamory' comes from the Latin roots poly and amor - in reality, the root poly is of Greek origin. There are spelling errors, such as the chapter in which he consistently misspells "reigns" - in terms of horse tack, it is always spelled "reins". Then there is the the fact that Makai - utterly unnecessarily - italicises at least one word per sentence throughout the entire book (unbelievably irritating to read).
- Overall reaction
This is a useful book, with many wonderful additions. It is, to date, the only guide-style book I have encountered with an in-depth view of the Gorean lifestyle - a fantastic introduction to those who have heard the term, not understood it, but don't necessarily want to have to go read all 32 Gor novels, or purchase a dedicated Guide To Gor-type volume. It covers aspects of kink that I would consider essential, such as safety when meeting online, and gives some marvellous pointers and great tips on keeping ourselves and our information safe if we are attacked, threatened or otherwise victimised. Religion and kink is covered extensively, which is refreshing to those who have read so many books which either don't address the philosophy of kink, or do so poorly and exclusionistically. It even covers topics that I have never even heard of, such as Primals - regardless of your personal beliefs on the subject, it does give a great overview of these topics and so many more.
Overall, my main bone to pick with this book is the very fact that it calls itself "definitive", without being even close to it. I keep coming back to that word, "definitive", because it calls out to newbies and frenzied persons, promising to cover every possible base, and start their kinky education with a heavy be-all-end-all tome. This book does not deliver that specifically. It is not an encyclopaedic work, with indicators to further research, nor does it touch on every subject in the kink world, as it would be almost impossible to doso within one volume. It does not point out that further investigation of your chosen kinks may be desirable or necessary, and it does not indicate that perhaps Michael Makai isn't the Extreme Ultimate Master of All Things Cell Popping and Branding, so perhaps you shouldn't try it at home using only his three-paragraph description of such practices (and zero information about first aid).
I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone interested in a broad, inclusive view of many specific topics in the kink lifestyle. I would not tell them it is a definitive guide. At the same time, I would also recommend extensive further research on procedures and precautions involved in their particular kink, and especially first-aid and aftercare, which Makai does not even begin to cover. The only reason I have for marking it down in the rating is the, in my own opinion, extremely misleading synopsis and description of it as being "definitive". Not only is it irritatingly incorrect use of English, it can also be downright dangerous to those less gifted with "everyday" common sense. My advice: use your brain, and research your interests thoroughly.
CHECK OUT MY OTHER REVIEWS:
http://dirtyfilthybookslut.blogspot.com -
This book is a must read for anyone interested in real life BDSM (especially those newbies including me)
Every subject touched by the Author was very detailed including Dominants, Submissives, Switch, Primals, Online BDSM and much more.
Furthermore, under a few topics there is a part which lets you classifies which type are you. For example in the topic dominant, there are The Sadistic dom, The Gorian Slave Master, The Daddy/Mommy dom, The FemDom Mistress, The Bear Dom, The Lesser God Dom, The collector Dom, The Ineffable Dom and the Tin-pot Dom. Each of them are very detailed and the author encourage readers to think carefully about it and try to classify themselves. (I think mine would be somewhere between Class II and Class III sadistic dom + daddy dom + a little ineffable dom i guess maybe even a top-leaning switch???)
The best part of the book is where the Author adds in his personal experience so that it won't be a normal, boring, easy-to-find, anyone-can-write type of 'guide'. Behind each topic is a Two-cents section where the author integrates part of his experience which is related. I totally agree with the author's ex-sub which gives him this idea. (I admit that i skipped a few parts *a little of the primal section and the online bdsm section* but I would never skip the two-cents part.)
Most importantly was that the content of this book is very complete covering most subjects of the basics of BDSM, eg. the first meeting, BDSM toys including types of play and implements and my favourite-paddles, whips, crops, canes (impact play/spanking), collars, and most importantly precautions and preventions eg~ “If you don’t know basic first aid, I would suggest that you have absolutely no business engaging in BDSM knife play”, Excerpt From: “Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook.”
Another thing, I totally agree with the author....This is part of the poem under two cents on what can go wrong
“Masochists, I do understand.
I’ll give them spankings with my hand.
I’ll paddle, and whip and chain their asses.
I’ll even dip them in molasses!
But I never have, nor shall I start,
Punch bloody holes in body parts.”
Excerpt From: Michael Makai. “Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook.”
I never, ever get excited/turned-on by piercing, branding, blood play, or too intense (unerotic) torture which i would never even want to try it on someone else let alone let any one try it on me ( I'm not a sub). Thou vry vry vry mild tease with knife play would be fine (no bleedings).
Conclusion: This Handbook is definitely the most complete guide you can find. Worth to read and even re-read. Loved it!!!
I've got this book from the author in BDSM group in goodreads in exchange for an honest review. ^^ -
At first I thought....OMG I was given this for a review, should I be nice, because this is one of my first times doing this? But then I felt if you are not true to yourself of what you felt, then you are not being respectful to the author. Some of my first thoughts were, should I have been reading this through a different lens, like from someone who is in the BSDM lifestyle, in a D/s relationship or just me...plain vanilla (with a little spice once in a while)... I decided to read it through my vanilla lens, and honour Michael Makai wishes and proceeded to read and write my thoughts honestly.
I give this book 3.5 STARS. I really enjoyed the beginning where there were various explanations of Doms and Subs. Very interesting descriptions and explanations. Things were interesting until I reached the Gorean history. I have to say, I felt the book took a different path that I didn't expect. I skimmed through pretty much that entire section. I wanted to get back to the D/s relationship stuff. I do appreciate the time and research it took to gather the evidence and development of BDSM, slaves and D/s relationships.
Some parts of the book I was reading with one eye closed and a hand on my chest. As I am vanilla and some of these descriptions were very new to me. I was however able to match some of the relationships I read, into the characters of other fiction books I read, which explained a lot. Some parts I read with my eyebrows squished together to prepare myself of what lay ahead. I laughed, uhmmmed, and had to re-read parts for clarification.
Mr. Makai was not afraid to challenge your thoughts or write the things you were thinking about, but afraid to say them. Had to stop several times, as there was a lot of information. I liked the clarification between BDSM and D/s relationship, it cleared up a lot of questions for me. I also like the part about the description of munches and how to behave. I had no idea. I really enjoyed the anecdotes from various people, it helped to understand the information much better.
Mr. Makai, I do believe that "love is condition in which happiness of another person is essential to your own."
Here a few of my thoughts regarding the 3.5 stars. I felt the book was a heavy read, and should maybe be broken down into a series of books instead. Breakdown of the sub sections for newbies...(like me)...I really wish there were pictures when describing the various types of equipment. That would have been exciting to see. I wish there more anecdotes of various relationships, the ones that were in the book were great, but I do wish there more.
Overall it was a good read, and I really enjoyed it. -
It has been a while since I have read a book regarding the lifestyle and I have become really excited about it. This book has delivered and then some. Well written and easy to follow Michael gets right to the point of the subject and keeps it going the whole way through.
Right from the first chapter Michael had me hooked and I looked forward to reading more. Domination and Submission is straight to the point and covers any and all aspects of the BDSM and D/s lifestyle you would want to know about.
As I was reading I would find myself thinking what about this particular subject and a few more turns of the page and there it was.
Not only does he give good information about subjects that have been a part of the lifestyle for years but he also brings it up to date covering subjects such as meeting online, BDSM social media and dating sites; he also interjects the matter of safety in meeting people online for the first time which is so common in this digital age.
What makes the book enjoyable is that he injects a dash of humor to his writing, which gives it a nice touch and breaks it up. At the end of each chapter he includes a portion called My Two Cents where he gives a personal view of the topic. This gives the topic a more personal feel and allows you to view it from the perspective of a voice with experience.
While Michael goes into great detail explaining a subject and defining terminology he does not bog you down with overly long explanations. At the back of the book is an appendix with the terms and a full definition of each.
If you are new to the lifestyle and want to know the difference between a slave and a sub or what the protocols are for attending your local munch then this book is a must read. Were you curious on how to conduct yourself at your first play party? This book covers that topic as well. The information in this book is pertinent to some many aspects of the lifestyle.
Michael goes into talking about toys and their uses but not in a run out and get this and play with it now kind of way but he gives you the information of what it does, what it is capable of and even what its pitfalls an be if used improperly.
Even if you have been around in the lifestyle for a while it is worth reading as there are always some new tidbits of information that can be gleaned from the pages.
This book is and should be a welcome addition to your library if you have any interest in the lifestyle and want to know more. -
Mr. Makai presents the reader with a comprehensive review of all things BDSM, and invites the reader to get questions answered that they may have been afraid to ask. For instance, as someone who is "older" and who has never been involved in "the lifestyle," I have an interest in observing so that I can make an informed decision, but have previously been discouraged from seeking to attend an event that would allow me to do so, being warned that my attendance for such purposes would be viewed suspiciously. However, since reading this book, I have become more confident in setting something like that up. The reason is because the wealth of information and the encouragement for the novice puts the reader at ease, by answering questions they might not have known they had.
Further, Mr. Makai gives an exhaustive primer on equipment usage specific to the type of play the participant wants to engage in, as well as safety precautions regarding said equipment and types of play. He also empowers the novice with chapter by chapter questions that are important for them to answer and ask, as well as safety tips (and horrific stories of caution) for internet relationships, how to spot phonies, and how to protect oneself from potential violence. There is a plethora of information on just about every BDSM activity one can imagine, and a few that many can't. At the same time, the information is not so overwhelming as to be a deterrent to the reader.
As I continue to read this book, I am encouraged that if and when I attend my first event, I will do so armed with the knowledge to make good decisions for myself as it pertains to my personal safety, the safety and privacy of those around me, and the enhancement of the experience for everyone. -
This book answered alot of questions for me about the D/s relationship. I also love the fact that he used words that are common in the LS and went one step farther and explained them too.
I started researching this LS because of all the hype over one book and the more I read into it I was pulled in and knew this LS was for me.
Thank you Michael for explaining things in your book for this newbie to understand. ;) -
I can't recommend his books to anyone considering he is a pedophile and is currently in prison. Apparently he wasn't all he was saying he was and no one in the BDSM or D/s community will associate with him. Do yourself a favor and don't buy into anything he's selling. He's a predator using BDSM to lure in unsuspecting prey.
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This was an outstanding book. It is a great book for anyone who has questions about the BDSM lifestyle or if they are just getting started with the lifestyle. I loved this book and would recommend it to anyone and everyone.
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Wow, Wow, & Wow! After reading the other reviews there is not much else that I can add other than I thoroughly enjoyed this book and heartily thank Mr. Makai for taking the time to write it for all of U/us. Newbie & experienced alike.
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fairly interesting, once you get past the writers ego, but he makes fun of himself at the same time.
the section on primals was my favorite. New idea for me.
the book also covers non-standard relationships, like long distance, internet, and polyamory. which I just skimmed through. -
DNF at approximately 15% (including some skimming). This is a broad introduction, and gave me at least one tidbit of value that I found while browsing ahead in the index. But there are other books (and basic google searches) of equal value but a more palatable tone--because this is almost unreadable, from the repetition and ridiculous overuse of italics to the author's unexamined biases and aggravating personality; I appreciate the reviews which confirm that this style continues throughout the book, which freed me of any impulse to continue.
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Enjoyable/informative but why refer to doms with male pronouns and subs with female
