The Science of Love and Betrayal by Robin I. M. Dunbar

The Science of Love and Betrayal Reviews

• 
  Stacy

  I made it to page 114 in this book, where the author states as fact that some Victorian women had their ribs surgically removed to enhance their "wasp waist" look. This rumor has been repeatedly disproved, and anyone with a passing knowledge of medical history would be aware of the dangers of surgery in this era, prior to antibiotics and with limited painkillers.
  
  That the author presents such a thoroughly discredited notion as fact leads me to suspect the validity of the rest of his writing. Combined with the rather superficial level of analysis and reliance on fairly small research studies to back up his various arguments, I decided to spend my time reading a better-researched book on the topic instead.
• 
  Susan's Reviews

  I have to admit that I started skimming after a while. It is a bit repetitive if you've read a few of his other works - as I have. Still, if you are new to Dunbar, you are in for an interesting dissection of the human psyche in love and hate!
• 
  Izaskowronska

  Bardzo dobra pozycja naukowa. Z częścią wątków się nie zgadzam, ale mimo wszystko książka jest warta uwagi. Polecam szczególnie osobom zainteresowanym psychologią ewolucyjną :)
• 
  Louise

  Hmm . . . well, I liked this book, but wasn't bowled over by it. Possibly because, having read all of Dunbar's previous books, there was a certain amount of repetition and very little to surprise. That said, there was enough new information to hold my interest . . . and here it comes . . . BUT as for the conclusion, well I could have told him that if he'd only asked!
• 
  Book Shark

  The Science of Love by Robin Dunbar
  
  "The Science of Love" is the fascinating science behind the human universal of falling in love. Anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist, Professor Dunbar takes the reader on a journey of an often-ignored part of science that deals with what causes us to feel love. Drawing on extensive research and interesting theories, the book provides an insightful biological story. This excellent 325-page book is composed of the following ten chapters: 1. Now We Are One, 2. Truly, Madly, Deeply, 3. The Monogamous Brain, 4. Through a Glass Darkly, 5, Saving face, 6. By Kith or by Kin, 7. A Cheat by Any Other Name, 8. Sleeping with the Devil, 9. Love and Betrayal Online, and 10. Evolution's Dilemma.
  
  Positives:
  1. A well-written, extensively researched, and accessible book.
  2. A fascinating topic in the hands of an author with pedigree.
  3. Finally, a book on love that is science driven. Anthropology, psychology, and biology (evolution).
  4. Professor Dunbar keeps it real. He makes it clear that our scientific knowledge is limited and is not afraid to say so.
  5. Defining the elusive term of love. "Perhaps the best and most successful of the attempts to define romantic relationships in this way is Robert Sternberg's `Triangular Theory of Love'. He argued that romantic relationships can be categorized along three independent dimensions: intimacy, passion and commitment."
  6. The book is full of interesting research. On monogamy, "Similar behaviour is seen in antelope like the klipspringer. This small African antelope, not a lot bigger than a weaned lamb, is intensely monogamous, perhaps one of the most intensely monogamous of all mammal species."
  7. Great use of neurobiology and psychology, to explain how romantic attachments differ from other kinds of relationships. "If oxytocin is about bonding, then its job might simply be to strengthen the bond with whomever you happen to be involved with at the particular moment - baby in the first case, partner in the second. It's a cheap chemical trick to bypass your natural defenses. Rational thought flies out of the window, and instead you get poleaxed whether you want to or not, your better judgment notwithstanding."
  8. Laugh it up, it's good for you. "Laughter turns out to be a very good releaser of endorphins. Laughter seems to produce a more generalised effect that applies rather more equally to everyone who happens to be in the conversation at the time, whereas physical contact is very much a one-on-one thing."
  9. The importance of smell, "smell plays a very important role in sexual arousal for women in a way it doesn't for men. Perhaps as a result, women rate smell as more important in mate choice than men do, whereas men rely much more on visual cues, reflecting the fact that men tend to make up their minds about a prospective mate from further away than women do."
  10. What's really behind all that kissing?
  11. Brains and how it relates to relationships. "Nonetheless, the bottom line is that both our brains and theirs are designed to manage our relationships. Our brains provide us with a semi-rational computer that complements the purely emotional component arising from the neuroendocrine systems..."
  12. The six most important traits for a prospective partner are....
  13. Great facts. "Humans are unusually fat by primate standards. In normal, healthy, average-weight women, about 20 per cent of body weight is fat, with men closer to 15 per cent, compared to around 3 to 5 per cent in monkeys and apes."
  14. The importance of being networked. "In another study, wounds healed more quickly in patients with harmonious marital relationships than in those with more hostile relationships. Your social circle protects you in some way that we don't really understand."
  15. It pains me to tell you this. " Yet one involves physical injury, and the other is a purely psychological experience. In fact, it turns out that both kinds of pain are processed in the same part of the brain, an area known as the anterior cingulate cortex (or ACC for short), which lies just below the main layers of the cortex in the centre of the brain."
  16. One of the most interesting and surprising sections of the book has to do with religious kind of love. " Andrew Newberg (a neuroscientist) and Eugene d'Aquili (an anthropologist) found that individuals in the state of religious ecstasy produced during meditation have a unique pattern of brain activation. They show greatly reduced levels of activity in the left posterior parietal lobe (in effect, near-complete shutdown) and a great deal of generalised activity in the right hemisphere, usually associated with more unconscious, emotional responses."
  17. Virtual love, romantic spamming. " Romantic spamming is a psychological art, often perpetrated by people who are not especially well educated. But they understand the victims' psychology and weaknesses and can exploit the loopholes in their defences in what is invariably a masterclass in deception."
  18. The four most likely reasons pairbonding evolved. Interesting theories.
  19. The importance of science. " Understanding the machinery that creates our experiences does not, and cannot, change those experiences for us, if only because we experience them as emotions, not as bits of the brain lighting up. We will continue to fall in love despite knowing exactly which bits of the brain fire up when we do so."
  20. Extensive bibliography.
  
  Negatives:
  1. Very few links despite the fact that the book includes an exhaustive bibliography/notes section. In other words, does not take advantage of the Kindle technology. Shame.
  2. Repetitive.
  3. Graphs or diagrams would have added value.
  4. Conveying conclusions with more conviction would have been welcomed.
  
  In summary, I really enjoyed this book. The Science of Love lived up to my expectations. The book is full of interesting research backed by science. Professor Dunbar does a wonderful job of explaining the science behind falling in love and makes this book a worthwhile read. I highly recommend it!
  
  Further suggestions: "The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us" by Sheril Kirshenbaum, "Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior (Vintage)" by Leonard Mlodinow, "Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain" by David Eagleman, "The Optimism Bias: A Tour of the Irrationally Positive Brain (Vintage)" by Tali Short, "The Compass of Pleasure: How Our Brains Make Fatty Foods, Orgasm, Exercise, Marijuana, Generosity, Vodka, Learning, and Gambling Feel So Good" by David J. Linden, "The Believing Brain" by Michael Shermer, "SuperSense: Why We Believe in the Unbelievable" by Bruce M. Hood, "Human" by Michael Gazzaniga, "Hardwired Behavior: What Neuroscience Reveals about Morality" by Laurence Tancredi, "Braintrust: What Neuroscience Tells Us about Morality" by Patricia S. Churchland, "The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature" by Steven Pinker and "The Brain and the Meaning of Life" by Paul Thagard.
• 
  Tom Roth

  Much of the book is quite interesting. However, it is highly dependent on research in social psychology using self assessments. In addition, Dunbar never explores alternative explanations for the results he presents.
  
  One example comes to mind: Dunbar mentions that families with more sons were more likely to have a son who turned Catholic priest. Dunbar interprets this as a strategy to maximize "lineage survival". However, couldn't it just be that more religious families have more offspring? And that more religious families are also more likely to produce a priest, as a result of their religiousness?
  
  The book is full with this kind of rationalizations, and his argumentation is therefore a bit too simple in my opinion.
  
  
• 
  Lionkhan-sama

  I loved the person reading this book. The reader has such a friendly and obvious presence. It really gave the books material room to shine.
  
  The book goes through the science standing behind the emotions and biological processes of "love" (or the complex dance of chemicals that surround the phenomenon we call love). There's really quite a lot involved.
  The author goes as far as bringing in evolutionary insights as well as psychological and anthropological. There is much to be said, whether its about the pair-bond experiences of animals, or the poetic lullaby of ancients describing their experiences of love. All of this and more has been tied fantastically together by the writing of this book.
• 
  Nicole Garcia

  I enjoyed the beginning and the end of this book- I almost found those portions to be page turners, but after previously reading other
  Robin Dunbar works, I began to find the book repatitive and interchangeable. There is far too much reliance on self-assessments and seem to be rooted in gender roles and biases, that we unfortunately still see today.
  
  I don't feel as though I had gained very much insight but perhaps more so layered on different opinions than the ones I previously held.
• 
  Kevin

  An easy "pop sci" read.
  Huge bibliography, so definitely based on real science, but still easy to digest.
  Flits around a bit, and doesn't really have a solid single story - just explains lots of different parts of the puzzle.
  I enjoyed it though.
• 
  Ninakix

  some chapters are super aggravating or boring, but there are a few in here that are just fascinating. Low on the scare tactics, mostly a look at statistics, brain functioning and animal behavior to examine the evolutionary basis of love.
• 
  Tiffany

  2.5. The beginning and end were good, but Dunbar seems to rely too much on surveys and self-assessments for his arguments, which seemed too rooted in gender biases. Gained some good insights, but I wouldn't really recommend this book to anyone.
• 
  Myriam

  Verstaanbare uitleg voor leken in de wetenschap. Goede vergelijkingen met andere diersoorten. Auteur haalt verscheidene onderzoeken aan, maar weinig concrete uitspraken. Vooral interessant vond ik de verschillen tussen de familie, vriendschappelijke en romantische relatie. Leest vlot.
• 
  Lutfiye Eyuboglu

  Bir yerlerde de böyle bir hoca var işte öğrencileriyle eğlenceli deneyler yapan..
• 
  Sunaina

  Eh. Some interesting stuff.
• 
  James

  This was interesting enough but not quite as advertised in my view, more about mate selection and the practicalities of relationships than the 'science of love.' It was on-topic for the first part, and written in a very accessible style it was quite similar to Jared Diamond's effort in its focus on evolutionary psychology, but was keener to veer into speculation rather than sticking to the science.
  
  Towards the start Dunbar had argued that the science of love has not been given massive coverage, and the lack of popular science titles certainly backs up his claim. I suspect the reason is that there is not a lot of concrete evidence on the subject, with Dunbar quoting many poems to illustrate points that were hard to articulate, and quickly running out of material related to the title subject. It was interesting that some couples fall in love after having an arranged marriage, but a lot of the evidence quoted related to similar topics, such as attraction and polygamy.
  
  Because Dunbar can translate the science into accessible language, the topics were still interesting, but his tone did mean that he made a few remarks that were less solid, such as the non-verified evidence that women talk to each other about the merits of men more often than the other way round. For a serious book it seemed out of character to use inconclusive evidence to make a point, and I wonder why it was included unless Dunbar has an axe to grind with Bechdel. This wasn't a one-off either, and this came as a surprise.
  
  Like Diamond, Dunbar uses primates and birds to try and explain the underlying cause for monogamy, and he also talks about the nature of friendship, and the relative strengths of the bonds between family and friends. I'm aware of Dunbar's number and it's clear this is his expertise, but it's still a tangential subject to the title.
  
  It may be there just isn't the depth of research to genuinely write about the science of love, and there were many parts of this that were completely new to me. However the monogamy argument was one of many I'd seen in Diamond's book, and the crossover meant that it wasn't as fascinating to me. The main difference was expectation management, as Diamond's book was upfront about its contents.
  
  
• 
  Andrew

  I found the overwhelming sense that our relationships are driven by biological determinants somewhat depressing. And not only that, that our respective cultural beliefs and conventions give meaning and reinforce certain biological underpinnings. I.e. Tall Rich Men are the Ant's Pants.
  
  The nature of scientific analysis of these relationships cannot delve into the magic and sorcery of the chemistry between unique individuals. The book doesn't serve to ignore the nature of individual responses, but it's limitations are nonetheless frustrating. You get the impression after reading it that individuals take a role within a specific cohort of like individuals and then form relationships that are preordained. Which I get is often the case. But still, some misshapen losers fall for other losers and that's a beautiful thing.
  
  The insights set out in this book were often interesting. But the book overall struggled, or didn't really attempt to, weave them into a compelling narrative. Perhaps that's the nature of the discoveries described - there is not overriding story to be told. Even if this is the case, it makes for tough reading as it's hard to engage.
  
  Having said that, the overview of cross culturally different and historically contextual patterns of relationship development are super interesting.
  
  So monogamy isn't necessarily the only healthy way to pursue relationships - it is contingent on our economic and social environment, and our culture beliefs serve to police this mode as the only respectable or desirable way to to be. Okay.
  
  
• 
  YHC

  亲密关系的三角理论：亲密、承诺与热情
  01 荷尔蒙，亲密感的真正来源
  催产素，帮你跨出交往的第一步
  多巴胺，迸射爱意的火花
  内啡肽，快乐直通车
  微笑、拥抱和接吻，一点一点爱上你
  02 社会脑，亲密关系的管理中心
  更大的大脑，更大的群体
  高耗能神经元，关系中的认知成本
  长相厮守，我们如何协调与合作
  心智能力与亲密关系中的性别偏好
  03 外在权衡，亲密关系的建立标准
  建立亲密关系的6条标准
  灰姑娘时刻，为什么女性都爱达西先生
  孔雀的翅膀，为什么男性要负责狩猎
  04 内在喜好，亲密关系中的身体信号
  完美腰臀比，维纳斯雕像中的女性美
  更高的个子，更多的孩子
  阳刚与柔美，跨越种族的审美偏好
  更对称的身体，更高的基因质量
  05 持续投入，维系亲密关系的唯一途径
  不需要费力维系的亲属关系
  朋友为什么不联系就会疏远
  维系关系中的性别差异
  一个爱人 = 一个亲属 + 一个朋友
  06 破裂崩解，危机中的亲密关系
  关系崩解的原因多在于关系本身
  被拒绝的痛苦，女性比男性感受更深刻
  花心男∶好爸爸= 1∶3
  相信你的第一印象
  07 虚妄的亲密关系，将对神的爱投射给他的使者
  宗教信仰：一种神秘的亲密情感
  宗教是亲密关系的副产品吗
  “看见上帝”的神经学密码
  痴迷的进化，为你的选择全情投入
  08 虚拟的亲密关系，完美想象难以融入现实世界
  社交媒体：维系、拓展关系的新方式
  网恋：爱上自己建构的对象
  网络聊天无法替代面对面交流
  风险与创伤：虚拟亲密关系的隐忧
  结语 亲密关系要走向何方
  
  
  ....................................
  
  人类为什么会进化出一夫一妻的关系？作者认为“雇用枪支”假说更可靠，即这种配偶关系可以避免女性受到骚扰、暴力和杀婴的风险。有两点原因：
  1、随着人类大脑变大，社群规模也变大，因此女性会受到更多男性的性骚扰甚至暴力，而投靠一个强大的男性（拥有力量或财富）则可避免这种危险；
  2、女性对亲密关系更在意，而男性则倾向于忽略和疏远的关系类型，因此配偶关系更倾向于女性。 其他内容：亲密关系的维系很消耗精力，一个人不能同时处理两份亲密关系，一份亲密关系是以失去一个密友和一个亲属为代价的，作者提出的圈层理论最内圈通常只能维持5人；现实中一个人能维持有效对话的人数上限是4
  
  
  
  版权归作者所有，任何形式转载请联系作者。
  作者：大熊乖乖（来自豆瓣）
  来源：
  https://book.douban.com/review/10460730/
  
  
  友谊的五个关键特征：幽默感相似，兴趣爱好相同，道德价值观相近，教育背景或智力水平相近，在同一个地区出生长大。
  
  友谊本身并不是一件稳定和持久的事情。如果不能持续投入，友谊就会很脆弱，很容易受到侵蚀。
  
  “过度的希望必须通过痛苦来弥补，不恰当的、放纵的期望必以失望告终。”
  
  大多数关系崩溃的原因都在于关系本身。（感知不对称）
  
  玫瑰花瓣越饱满，保留的时间越长。一个人在一开始对自己的伴侣理想化程度越高，他们的生活就越幸福。
  
  不管我们喜欢不喜欢，男性暴力的进化选择都是存在的。男性倾向于以身体侵略的方式应对威胁或挑战，女性倾向于用言语或心理上的攻击来应对。
  
  当我们爱上一个真实存在的人时，只是爱上了自己心中虚构的形象。
  
  从严格的生物学角度看，亲密关系的存在是为了促进繁殖，让个体尽可能地为物种基因库做出贡献。
  
  科学并不能保证所有发现都满足我们对于世界的先入之见。既然我们已经进入了竞技场，就要尽可能多地了解我们所生活的世界，以优雅的风度接受它的本来面目。
  
• 
  Rafal Jasinski

  Lektura niniejszej książki nie sprawi, że przestaniecie się zakochiwać - ani tym bardziej nie gwarantuje tego, że nie będzie Was korciło, by zdradzać - jakkolwiek pozwoli Wam zrozumieć mnogość procesów biologicznych i wykształconych na drodze ewolucji mechanizmów składających się na to, co nazywamy "miłością".
  
  W oparciu o najnowsze interdyscyplinarne badania i odkrycia, w sposób niezwykle przystępny, Robin Dunbar wyjaśnia - między innymi - dlaczego podobają nam się takie a nie inne osoby, jak nawiązujemy przyjaźni, tudzież dlaczego relacje i związki się rozpadają, a także czym uwarunkowana jest monogamia i skąd biorą się w nas skłonności do niewierności. Ponadto masę innych kwestii, które uświadomią Wam, że - mimo, iż każde głębokie uczucie, jakie przeżywacie wydaje się tak niepowtarzalne, osobiste i jedyne w swoim rodzaju - w swych namiętnościach nie jesteśmy ani specjalnie wyjątkowi, ani (często) szczególnie wyrafinowani. Gorąco polecam!
• 
  Ruslan Khalilov

  An interesting book that gives some unusual perspectives on the way how human beings interact and evolved over time. Even though many of our decisions and feelings are hard-wired to the patterns we inherited from our ancestors, we are slowly evolving to have more control of ourselves.
  
  I didn't give 4 or 5, just because there are many hypotheses stated by the author which are not exactly proved by some large studies. Robin is deducting a lot of his findings from some small surveys he has done throughout his career. Hence, it's less of a scientific/psychological book, but more of a list of opinions written by the person who studies the topic of love, men-women relations etc.
  
• 
  Nataly Sherekina

  "...ідеалізація одного з партнерів є переконливим рецептом для успішного шлюбу; ба більше, що вищими є ідеали одного з партнерів, і що більше один партнер ідеалізує другого, то більше він задоволений стосунками - і самі стосунки, вочевидь, будуть тривалими. "
  
  Доступно та цікаво.
• 
  Sisyphus

  This book is what happens when Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus goes to college.
• 
  Dada Vinci

  Audiobook reader is incredible
  i would recommend listening to this book with somebody you think you love.
  preferably somebody who thinks they love you.
  
  
• 
  Sean Goh

  Maximum number of active participants in a conversation is 4.
  Also, a romantic partner generally leads to the outward migration of two intimate friends to the next outer layer.
• 
  Fei Chua Li Ting

  Like the part on chapter 8, sleeping with the devil. Points out that relationship with God exists all in the mind and that we can 'mold' God to the ideal person whoever we are.