| Title | : | Chase in Shadow (Johnnies, #1) |
| Author | : | |
| Rating | : | |
| ISBN | : | 1613724217 |
| ISBN-10 | : | 9781613724217 |
| Language | : | English |
| Format Type | : | Paperback |
| Number of Pages | : | 320 |
| Publication | : | First published February 23, 2012 |
Nobody knows the real Chase.
Chase Summers has a razor blade to his wrist and the smell of his lover’s goodbye clinging to his skin. He has a door in his heart so frightening he’d rather die than open it, and the lies he’s used to block it shut are thinning with every forbidden touch. Chase has spent his entire life unraveling, and his decision to set his sexuality free in secret has only torn his mind apart faster.
Chase has one chance for true love and salvation. He may have met Tommy Halloran in the world of gay-for-pay—where the number of lovers doesn’t matter as long as the come-shot’s good—but if he wants the healing that Tommy’s love has to offer, he’ll need the courage to leave the shadows for the sunlight. That may be too much to ask from a man who’s spent his entire life hiding his true self. Chase knows all too well that the only things thriving in a heart’s darkness are the bitter personal demons that love to watch us bleed.
Chase in Shadow (Johnnies, #1) Reviews
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Damn you, Amy Lane. I had things to do today, plans, obligations. I had my own writing too, and I left my guys waiting in the middle of a freaking sex scene to finish this book and watch you bring Chase and Tommy safely home.
Chase is a very young man who is trying to be a good person. He tries so hard to do the right thing, while locking his fears and pain and demons away in his head behind a red door. He's gay and he can't admit it, can't even think about it. Then a comment from a friend suggests a way out. Straight guys do gay porn, right? It gives Chase added income, but more importantly it lets him touch and be touched, by men whose bodies turn him on far more than the girlfriend he lives with and loves like a sister. But doing gay porn puts a strain on that red door in his head. As he gets to know the men, and begins to fall in real love with Tommy, he moves deeper and deeper into deception. Something has to give. His closet, his heart, his mind, his life... something.
This is another of Amy Lane's intense stories, about a man with a painful past who will find his way into your heart and break it, little by little. But thank God she writes romance, and so at the end of the deception and discovery, the worry and the pain, there is love. Highly recommended. -
Amy Lane's Johnnies series?
I mean this is Amy "rip-your-heart-out" Lane we're talking about! I love when she tears me to pieces. I'm an Amy Lane specific masochistic. I was like, "DO YOUR WORST! I'm ready!"
Somehow I read all of the other books in the Johnnies series before this one, the one that started it all. In fact,
Dex in Blue was my first Amy Lane. The characters from "Chase in Shadow" are mentioned over and over in the other two books in the series, so I had a VERY good idea about the tidal wave of angst that this book would send my way.
When I saw that the audiobook was up for review, I jumped right on it. I'd heard about
Sean Crisden for ages among audiobook buffs so I couldn't wait to get my grabby hands (err, ears) on it.
I'll talk a little about the narrator first. While I don't think that Sean Crisden has a particularly sexy voice, he does have silly-putty vocal chords that he can bend any way his heart desires. He managed to make each Johnnies character instantly recognizable, which is a HUGE thing with audiobooks. Some voices I loved more than others. Chase's voice was a little nasally for my taste but I got that that was the voice that Sean envisioned for the character so I didn't mind it. The intonations were good, the reading was good, and, all in all, I think that Sean Crisden did an excellent job.
Now on to the story itself. I loved the intensity of Chase and Tommy's relationship. I didn't mind the quick jump to love as much as I usually do and I thought that there was a ton of passion between them. I got them as a couple and I think that Amy Lane did a great job of showing them both as flawed but empathetic people.
Cheating isn't my favorite of subjects but I really am flexible with my boundaries on that. Some of my most loved reads have MCs that have started as cheaters. Whether or not I like a book like that is totally dependent on the author's treatment of the subject and I really liked how Amy Lane did it here. I understood Chase, even if I didn't always agree with him, and I loved seeing his mental and emotional struggles.
So what didn't I like? Well, I thought that some of the psychiatric imagery was a bit heavy-handed and repetitive. Without giving spoilers, I thought that a lot of Chase's emotional issues were drawn out to the point that I was kind of over listening about them (does that sound heartless??). I also thought that some of the time/space transitions were a little jumpy.
So did this book satisfy my Amy Lane angst fetish? HELL YES! It was a great audiobook and a nice, painful (hurts so good) kind of read. Bring on the porn-stars, I'm ready for more!
**Copy provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review** -
5/13/17 Re-read three times already and still one of my favorites ;)
I did it !! I've been wanting to read this one for so long...but after reading all the Goodreads reviews....I got a bit scared.
I'm going to be honest...this one is pretty angsty. I've actually read the second book in this series first (which I loved), because I was too scared to start this one. So I finally just put on my big girl panties and jumped in. I'm very glad I did...but...
I'm exhausted !! In a good way though, because I did love this book !! Now I'm not gonna do a whole recap about the story, because there are plenty reviews for this book on GR already, and I also don't want to spoiler too much of the storyline.
I am gonna tell you that this one is indeed angsty. At times it drove me to drink !!
It's also sad, sexy, romantic and even sweet.
I loved all the guys from "Johnnies". But I did spend a good part of the book being pissed off at Chase. He was such a douchebag asshole !!! But once I got to know more about him, and what was going on in his head... my feelings for him changed. I still think he made mistakes, but damn-it...he didn't mean to fuck everything up and I think he blamed himself more than anybody else could have ever done !!!
I felt so bad for Chase and Tommy...God I loved Tommy, he was freaking awesome. I just wished we could have gotten more about the future. I'm sure they will make an appearance in all the other books, but that's just not the same. I wanted more about just the two them and how everything turned out !! I guess I'm greedy that way ;)
Now I know some of you will want to now if this book was hot. Fuck yeah it was....damn it's about gay for pay pornstars. Don't get me wrong, there is real, "honest to god love" in this book, but there are also some very very nice steamy scenes !!
But a warning...if you hate cheating, or you hate the hero having sex with other people....you may want to skip this one.
5 big fat stars from me !!! Now if you'll excuse me....I need another drink :P
This review is posted on
Wendy's Wycked Words
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1.85 it's me,not the book stars
Warning Rant i call Review Ahead and Maybe Spoilers
Even Sean Crisden, couldn't save this for me.
Called it quits at 89%, i just couldn't take it anymore. The only character i felt sympathy for had to go and do a stupid thing to make me dislike her.. ummmm!
I have been trying to read this for a long time but i kept giving up, so when i saw there was an audio-book and the narrator is Sean Crisden, i decided to give it another try, clearly i failed in my attempt.
I still don't mesh well with this author's writing but i am not giving up yet.
Why i didn't love it
-Chase/Chance
The MC, i really didn't like him at all, couldn't connect with him, i was angry at him for his stupid choices and couldn't really understand those choices. He was a douche.(His words not mine. So basically Chase/Chance is gay, pretending to be straight (he has a girlfriend), decides to do gay for pay, have sex on camera for money with other guys to satisfy himself while the whole time pretending he is straight. He meets Tommy/Tango he starts a relationship with him, but still cannot break up with the girlfriend because of reasons that are really not reasons.
-The writing style was very confusing
One minute Chase is with his girlfriend, the next he is with Tommy having sex. I had to pause the audio, try again then rewind and see if i missed something.
This is where i got so pissed:
Mercy the girlfriend, IMO from the beginning she was a victim of Chase's stupid choices and cheating then, out of nowhere she was made the villian, I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to punch something, but instead i decided to end the audio-book and breathe.
Going into this i expected some tear jerker and was ready to cry my heart out but instead i was just angry.
Note to self:When you read a book and the first 30% makes you angry please stop. Too many books too little time.
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This is a love story, beautiful and tragic in it's tale which will captivate you and hold your heart to ransom right to the very end.....4.5 stars
At times during this book, I actually found it hard to read and not in a bad way, but because there is such profound raw emotion and heartbreak hiding behind the persona that is Chase Summers. He is 20 years old and in my eyes he was still a boy...a boy that lost his way in life 14 years earlier when the tragic death of his mother leaves him with the bigoted, abusive drunk that was his father.
This event and the subsequent years with his so called "father" shaped his life and his psych and neither were pretty! Chase compartmentalized his life, put it in boxes, keeping them separate from each other and any leak of emotion between these compartments would be the undoing of him and his sanity.....and this is exactly where Amy Lane takes us.
Chase Summers....wants the world to see and hear perfection, every action and word spoken controlled, he wants what all conformists want, the house, the car, beautiful wife and the career to be able to live his dream. But that's what it is...a dream, he has the girlfriend and he loves her, but not how a man should love a woman, he is living a lie and when he lacks the funds to fuel his fantasy, he turns to a "Gay for pay" internet porn site and his other persona, Chance, appears.
Chance the Porn Star....6" all toned and buff, blue eyes and blond hair, sexy voice and a killer smile. He is confident and a little cocky. He has no inhibitions and is cool and nonchalant. To Chance life is fun, he laughs and relaxes with men who are definitely not shy and are comfortable with their own sexuality. But even amongst these friends there is another layer of deceit! Chance is pretending to be a straight guy having gay sex.....another lie!
Inner Chase....is the voice of honesty in his head that nobody hears. He is the Squuueee fangirl at the thought of being with a man. The exhibitionist that just wants to be out with all the pretty boys and get down and dirty with it. Inner Chase just wants to be free....he is the voice of the guilt for cheating on his girlfriend, the voice of heartbreak and overwhelming love and affection for the man who holds his heart and the voice of despair for hurting all those in his life that he loves with his lies. Inner Chase is GAY and he is trying to hold it all together.
When Chase and Tommy meet, those compartments that Chase has been so fastidious about keeping separate, start to bleed together. Their love is beautiful and unconditional, the chemistry and affection palpable, only with Tommy can he be honest and open, only with Tommy can Chase be the man he is supposed to be. But these two lost souls, each with deep emotional issues that any normal person would seek counselling for, are enabling each other. Tommy is becoming more insecure and vulnerable and Chase is tumbling deeper into the void of the Red Room...where he keeps all of his pain safely locked...only now, it is ready to burst open.
Amy Lane did a great job of letting us get to know not only our two MC's Chase and Tommy, but also the whole host of other character's, all of which had a face, voice and personality of their own. It took me a little while to warm to Chase, as there is a lot to take in initially and I did get a little frustrated with the dipping in and out of the here and now....I just wanted certain parts to flow more easily. Having said that at the half way point I was totally engrossed and was unable to put it down until it was finished.
I am also very happy to see that we will be getting Dex and Kane's story in October....this will be a must read for me. -
♥♥♥ 4.5 Painful Stars ♥♥♥
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'Yes. Yes. I want something true. I want you. I want you so bad.'
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Oh, my heart!! This book broke it. I knew that it was going to be an emotional read just by reading the blurb, BUT, I didn't know how intense it would be. What a journey.
Chase 'Chance' Summers seems to have it all. He has a perfect girlfriend he loves, great friends who adore him and he goes to school and it looks like he may have a successful future. Like I said, it seems like nothing wrong could ever happen to the flawless Chase. That could not be further from the truth. Deep inside Chase is hurting and his whole life is a lie. He has a secret and wants to keep it that way. But, he can't stay in the closet forever. He ends up becoming another version of himself that does exactly what he wishes he could do to men, by working on a porn site as "gay for pay".
This is where he meets Tommy 'Tango' Halloran, a fellow porn star who understands him, supports him, listens to him, gets to know him almost completely and still is at Chase's side. But Tommy has demons of his own. They are both broken but together they make each other feel whole. There were moments where reading about them was a bit frustrating. The lies, the secrets, all the hurt took a toll on me. It was so utterly heart breaking how much they hurt each other. However, I also loved seeing how intensely they loved each other. I felt for Mercy and can't imagine how she must have felt, but I was also rooting for Chase and Tommy to make it.● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
"I want you."
"You have me. Whatever parts of me I can give you, you have them...What I'm doin' to you ain't fair. But as long as you want me, in pieces or whole, you have me."
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This whole situation made me want to scream and hurl things at Chase and Tommy. I also wanted to hug them so tight and kiss them everywhere. I hated that Chase's mother committed suicide when he was a child. I hated all of the verbal abuse he suffered by his drunkard father when he was growing up. Reading Chase's inner self tore at my heart strings. I just wanted him to okay. I wanted Tommy to be okay, too. I loved all the sweet moments in this book. I loved all the endearing and passionate kisses they shared. I loved all of their cuddling and playing house. I loved that they had such amazing friends in their fellow porn stars. I just plainly loved them together.
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"Yeah. I want to live with you. I want to live with you forever...I want a future. A real future. Not a movie set one. I want an us."
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Yes, this book was tragic and angsty, but it was also so beautiful. After all that heartache and pain that this story caused me, I also got so much joy in the end. It was not a light fluffy story by any means, it was raw and moving. It was quite the experience but it was done so well. It took me awhile to get use to the writing style, but once I did, I was enthralled by the story and characters. There were was also some amazing steam in this book. Hello...they were porn stars, of course the steam was going to be smoking hot! The secondary characters were so wonderful also. I'm really curious about Dex. The ending was so sweet and perfect. I was so happy for them that I couldn't contain my smile. This is definitely not for everyone but if you do decide to give this a go, remember to have tissues at hand.
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HEARTWRENCHING AND FULL OF DAMNED FEELS!
THE INTERCONTINENTAL MANIC MONDAY BUDDY READ with Eva, Isabel, Barbara, and Lucy!
This one was really really TOUGH to read. This is my first solo Amy Lane read and now I understand how angsty her books are!
If you notice the cover has a door. And if you read the story, Chase mentioned a red door that's always on his mind.
So I was inspired to share this little poem about a DOOR.
"THE DOOR"
I touched the door...
I opened the door...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
I closed the door!
The door.
Very nice isn't it?
So now my thoughts about the book.
Okay, the MC: Chase Summers.
His character is probably the one I related the most out of the ones I've read so far. How? I have a confession to make. I live a double life too. I'm actually moonlighting as a sexy agogo dancer in a gay club at night. Gyrating my sexy hips to the tune of "Careless Whisper" when I'm on stage. Kidding.
Let's just say I kinda found myself in a situation similar to Chase's.
I had a girlfriend even though I considered myself gay already. But I'm not out then and I kept my sexuality from her. And it was difficult hiding it from her. I keep thinking that I will never be enough for her even though I loved her because I won't be able to give everything she needs.
So when everytime Chase thinks that Mercy deserves so much more, it always strikes a chord in me. I felt like my healed wounds are starting to open again. It was unsettling.
Eventually I came out to her and that ended our relationship. But getting there was not easy at all. So I understand that part of Chase that he gone through.
I would like to applaud Ms. Lane for being spot on in the characteristics of Chase and showing how it's like being closeted while in a hetero relationship. If it was not, I wouldn't be affected this much. Bravo Ma'm!
Honestly, I'm not sure if I like Chase. Even though I understood what he's gone through, I don't approve his cheating. Actually the whole story revolves around his affair with Tommy. So if you guys don't like cheating in your books, beware with this.
I sympathize with him though, because it really is not easy losing one of your parents especially losing them to suicide. I have a cousin who lost her mother to suicide and it was very difficult for her. It will really fuck you up for life.
So please to the mothers/fathers out there: Don't kill yourselves.
During Chase's therapy, I ached for him. Those scenes when he cries all the time, I felt like I wanna cry with him. Just so he'll know that he's not in it alone. That's where I started to like him.
I rated this 5 stars because it affected me so much and it really is a great great read. But I have a lot of issues with this.
I'm not fond of the writing. The sequence of events is confusing and dizzying. It goes like this: A chapter starts with a scene, then it will go back to an event before that and then finally it comes back to the scene from the beginning. I had a hard time adjusting to that style for the first half of the book. It's quite annoying.
I'm not sure how authentic some aspects of the books are. (The porn thing and the therapy) So you have to suspend a little belief to enjoy this. It was believable enough for me. I actually enjoyed Chase's time with Johnnies.
Overall I actually loved and hated this book at the same time. And I wouldn't be able finish it if it weren't for your encouragements.
SO THANK YOU GUYS! :D
A RECOMMENDED read especially for those who love angst!
Enjoy guys!
Thank you for Eva for letting me join your BR and to Lucy, Barbara and Isabel for reading this with me. Till the next BR guys! Cheers!
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Chase is a college student, working on his degree. A baseball jock. The All American boy. Struggling, living with his girlfriend Mercy, the two work hard to maintain an apartment, and school, and plan, and save for a future.
Chase comes from a harsh background. Raised by his father after his mother committed suicide when he was a young boy, he’s struggled to be the perfect son. His father’s scorn drives him to be more, have more, make no missteps.
So when his friends mention a local gay filmmaking company that’s scouting talent, he thinks it may be a way to make some quick cash. Not to mention, a way to fulfill the part of him longing for another man’s touch. His fumblings with his best friend Donnie aside, he’s only ever been with Mercy.
Johnnie’s, the porn site, is glad to have him. He’s mentored before his first shoot by Dex, and the two form an immediate friendship. Then his first day on the set, he catches sight of Tango. Hot, devilish, full of life, there’s an immediate attraction. Chase – or Chance, his porn alter ego – fits right in with these guys. He has no trouble with the performance. Revels in it.
Before long, he has the opportunity to meet and talk to Tango on a shoot. The chemistry is there, but more, another friendship is struck. They begin to get closer, and when tragedy strikes Tango, Chase is the first he calls to help and be there.
So begins a series of events that splits Chance in two. On the one hand, he’s the dutiful boyfriend and fiancé to Mercy. On the other, he’s in a fledgling relationship with his soul mate, Tommy. One he fights and which may ultimately blow up in his face. Because he’s struggling to keep secrets from his childhood, live two separate lives, and keep his head above the red water that threatens to drag him under.
What will happen when his two worlds collide?
This book – this beautiful, tragic and stunning book - was at once a revelation, a blessing, and a stake through my heart.
A little background. I’m a 50 year old single gay man living in the suburbs of Atlanta. I’ve been in a couple of relationships, the most recent one for thirteen plus years. I’ve lost two men in my life to suicide, one a best friend and one a love who was living a double life. And I’ve worked with abused teens in a residential setting as CFO for a nonprofit agency.
So the issues in this book hit me hard. Young people with mental health issues. Suicide. Men living double lives. Men who like other men, trying hard to live a straight lifestyle.
I respect the hell out of Amy Lane. She takes on these hard issues and makes them bearable. Relevant. Painful but so damn… I don’t know, I can’t find the words for it. Brutally accessible?
I remember when “The Thornbirds” came out, and the legend behind it always struck me. The bird stayed silent its whole life, searching for the thorn tree. When it finds it, the bird pierces its breast on it and, as it dies, sings a song so sweet even God stops to listen.
And that’s how I feel about Chase. So repressed, so bottled up, and then, then when he finally sings, we all stop and gasp; want to hold him and heal him and make him our own. My own.
“God. No wonder it was so easy. He’s been bleeding since he was a baby.”
This was a hard book to read for me. And I would read it every day, just to hear Chase sing that hauntingly aching, soul searing song.
Bless you, Amy. Now I’ll go wipe my eyes and take a deep breath and celebrate one sweet man who made it.
Tom -
Another BR with awesome friends
Chase in Shadow is a emotionally exhausting, and heart-breaking story, I has left with some mixed feelings, and a heavy weight on my chest, such a fantastic writing of a person living in denial… refusing to face the truth!!
Although the story does bounce around a bite, I surely loved the intensity of Chase and Tommy's relationship, despite I didn't always agree with Chase attitudes, I loved seeing his interior struggles, and of course loved the porn-stars was very entertaining!
You like a lot of angst very well written, go for it!!
Thanks to Isabel, Eva, Lucy, and Alvin for reading this with me. At the end we needed this...
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I had to really push to finish this book. I don't think I can recall a book that had so much piled up angst or crappy situations for the MC's. Unfortunately, I felt zero sympathy for the characters & found myself rolling my eyes at several points. For me, one dramatic situation after the other book ended by tears loses its poinancy. I can't empathize for the situations because there isn't any rise and fall. It just feels a bit manipulative for the reader to feel bad for the characters. Unfortunately for me, I really disliked Chase. I didn't feel much strength from him & his actions didn't help me like him. Also, discussing flatulence, feces, excrement, and using words like suckle and flopped in sex scenes is not something I personally would like to read.
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Since I'm one of the last to read this, I don't need to summarize or discuss the plot. It's very well written because it's Amy Lane. The sex was super hot, the angst was way overdone (Amy Lane). It's definitely worth reading. I took off one star because of a plot twist at the end. I don't usually deduct stars because something makes me angry - making a reader angry has no bearing on quality, but this was just so egregious that I feel vengeful.
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![moonlight ☾ [semi-hiatus]](https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/users/1645500038i/37448930._UX200_CR0,0,200,200_.jpg)
TWs:
i was prepared to cry or feel emotional going into this (based on the blurb) but all i felt was... annoyance. mainly at Chase and, listen, it wasn't even bc he was an asshole since i do tend to love redeemable!! assholes but i just couldn't feel any attachment towards him, his actions or his thoughts. on the other hand, i did like Tommy, but he deserved better imo.
i loved
The Locker Room so i was hoping to at least like, if not love, this one so it was disappointing how differently i felt towards both books. 😐 -
I've had the first 4 books of this series on my Kindle for 3 years, now. Yep, I bought them in February of 2015 and they have sat there taunting me all this time. They've had a little help, in the name of my friends who have also been prodding me to finally read the series, so, when I couldn't settle on a book for two days and I was starting to get agitated from the lack of reading, I thought "why not?" I knew it would be angsty AF and I knew that it would hit me right in the feels, and I hoped that it would fit the bill.
And did it ever!
Folks, Chase in Shadow is not an easy ride. At all. Chase is pretty messed up and he takes the long way around to figuring out his shit. But I was hooked by the end of the Prologue and knew that the journey getting there was going to squeeze tight.
That prologue is present time, and then we go back 1 year to experience how Chase got to his breaking point. 70% of the book takes place in that year and we witness Chase trying keep his head above water, only to finally figure out he was drowning.
There's a fair amount in this book that many readers will find hard limits, such as cheating - Chase has a girlfriend for the majority of this book. A girlfriend who doesn't know he's taken up performing in gay porn. A girlfriend that doesn't know about Tommy. In fact, she doesn't really know him, at all, and that's because Chase doesn't let anyone in; not really.
If Chase would have been less screwed up, I'd have hated him, but the truth is, he tried to make people happy and he tried to be someone he wasn't and he failed spectacularly. He wasn't malicious at all, and when his world finally came to a breaking point, Chase took responsibility for all the hurt he caused everyone else, and himself.
I loved Tommy, too. He was kind and understanding and the only person who could get Chase out of his head. Chase kept so much locked away and Tommy is the only one to ever have success in chipping away at that fortress. He stuck by Chase, but not in a doormat sort of way. He was Chase's rock.
Amy Lane definitely knows how to put her characters through the wringer, that's for sure. She pulls no punches, but, she also gives HEA's that feel hard earned. Chase and Tommy get their HEA and it was truly gorgeous.
My verdict? I loved Chase in Shadow. I'm glad I finally read it and I'm looking forward to digging into the rest of the series. -
Audio – 2 stars I typically love Sean Crisden’s performance, but most of the characters in this story were given a nasal, whiny voice. What was up with that???
Story – 1.5 star round up because I managed to finish
Well it sucks to be me because I’m not part of the thousands of people who loved this story. By all accounts, I really should have. It’s the kind of angsty, messy story I’ve come to appreciate, but between the endless monologues and occasional flashbacks, I felt mostly disconnected. But that’s me, and the ratings say it’s not the book. -
A very powerful and emotional read. I had no idea the journey I was going on when I started this book, but it was one filled with unbelievable high and lows, amazing characters and a story that damn near ripped my heart out of my chest.
Slowly the layers are peeled back on Chase’s past as his story progresses in the present, and you can understand why he has chosen to hide behind the image of being straight. The guilt that this boy carried around for most of his life was unimaginable, and the façade he hid behind because of tragic childhood, never allowed him to be his true self. He became a porn star as an outlet for his sexual needs and in every other aspect of his life lived as a heterosexual man. Despite all the hate he endured as a child, Chase has grown up to be a good man who tries to do right by everyone. Underneath he is a ticking time bomb ready to explode into a million heart wrenching pieces.
When he comes undone, breaks apart, loses himself to his guilt and memories, I don’t know how else to describe it, it’s so overwhelming, you wonder if he’ll ever being able to pull himself back together. Tommy his true love, and a character with his own issues, is with him every step of the way. The love they have for each other is awe-inspiring…breathtaking. One could only hope to find love like this at least once in a lifetime.
His childhood friends Kevin and Donnie just accepted him as he was and never questioned his family life. Donnie, a gay man himself, suspected that Chase was gay, but never pushed the issue when Chase denied as much. When they find out how much Chase suffered as a kid, they are hurt he didn’t trust them to tell, but also dismayed that they never did more for him. The only person Chase ever revealed himself too was Tommy. There is a whole host of secondary characters that add so much to this story, namely Mercy, Chase’s girlfriend. This lovely girl is a much a victim of Chase’s past as he is, when she becomes a major player in the lie that Chase lives. Doc Stevenson is the man who pulls Chase back to reality, and even though he is introduced late in the story, his role is huge. I loved the way he was portrayed, crotchety older man who knits during therapy sessions, calm, effective, but strong and forceful when he needs to be.
The writing is superb, although the story does bounce around, and once you understand Amy Lane’s style, it becomes easy to follow along. This book is strong on emotion, tragic events, sexual content, and at times is quite vivid. It’s also filled with love, strength, compassion and a WONDERFUL, HEARTWARMING, PERFECT HEA!!
On a personal note, it appalls me to think that there are people out there who feel the need to hide their sexual preferences because of the consequences they would endure from family, friends and the public. How horrifying to think that rather than face the judgment of others, the better option is suicide. It truly saddens me. -
Amy Lane is a GODDESS. Chase reminds me WHY I read this genre. Tommy is the reason this genre makes it impossible for men in my life to live up to this genre (clearly I've mental issues of my own). I've been down many of Chase's roads and while it made it achingly painful to read for me, it was also dealt with in a believable way and makes me want to give Amy Lane the biggest hug for understanding. I honestly have nothing other than an emotional review for this. I'm at a loss for words. The anticipation of this book was nuts, and the delivery was INCREDIBLY satisfying. This is the first book I read one day, only to pick it up the next day and start over to make sure I missed nothing.
-
I could finish this book, hence the two stars, but I saw no reason to do it.
I started this book some time ago and I didn't feel like continuing it. In the meantime, I read many other books and couldn't quite make myself read this one. I abandoned it at about 40 percent.
I couldn't attach to the main character Chase. I know that many people had a problem with the fact that Chase is actually cheating on his girlfriend. For me, this wasn't the biggest problem with this book or Chas. In my opinion, Chase is simply an unfriendly and uninteresting hero. I could not get involved in his dilemmas. I didn't care about them or whether he would be happy.
The plot probably wasn't interesting to me either. Again, I didn't have any major problems with it, except that it just wasn't interesting to me. And these flashbacks. Definitely not my favorite way of writing a book.
But you have to admit that the book is generally well written and the characters are well developed. It's just not my kind of thing. -
1.75 stars ⭐️ If you don't like cheating or MCs having sex with other people while they are still in the relationship, then this book is not for you, and not for me either!!
‘Straight guys do gay porn’ that's how Chase cheated on Mercy and met Tommy.
I don't understand Chase. How he justified why he couldn't break up with Mercy was ridiculous. His reasons are bullshit. He made stupid choices!! Chase was a douche and a coward.
“I’m a douche bag. This shit that I’m doing, making you be faithful, cheating on Mercy, deserting you—I’m a bad person. You deserve more.”
Tommy was a mess, and his relationship with Chase was such a mess too. He had his own issues to deal with.
For me, the book was so boring and repetitive too. There had Chase having sex with gay-for-pay pornstars, Chase spending time with his girlfriend, Chase having sex with Tommy, and those events revolved around Chase’s world.
I think here, mostly ‘it's me, not the book’ situation I'm facing. -
No rating. DNF @40%
This isn't the right story for me. I'm not going to go into all the reasons why. But I am very disappointed that I couldn't love it as much as most of my GR friends did. :-( -
Something A Little Different...(In The End A DNF)
ETA 9/11/12:
The decision to DNF this book was a hard one. I tried extremely hard not to feel disgusted with the character of Chase, and for a moment it worked. In the end though I just COULD NOT feel anything but angry with him. The writing in this book is good. Amy Lane has been doing this for a long time and is obviously dedicated to her craft. Unfortunately, the writing, for me, couldn't save this book.
At the beginning of the book I worried about judging the characters but what made me DNF this story was the fact that people were getting hurt. Chase is selfish and self-pitying. While I completely understand that he's had a hard childhood, and for some readers that makes him redeemable, I cannot root for someone who is hurting others. That's a line for me. And Chase is not the only one who lies, cheats and behaves selfishly. Can good writing make the likeable outweigh the unlikeable? Can good writing make self-centered characters sympathetic? In my case, it can't.
I can respect that everyone draws the line at different things. I draw the line at the actions of the characters in this book. I can't applaud or root for love that comes from causing other people pain. I don't see it as deep, real, love saving people or love conquering all. I just see it as someone being careless with other people's feelings and irresponsible.
So, below are my thoughts when I was reading the book. Amazing how thoughts can change.
Now that I've finally gotten around to trying this book I'm going to do something a little different with its review. Instead of doing the regular status updates I'm going to record my thoughts as I go along in the actual review. I want a permanent record of how I feel as I read it. I've heard a lot about this book and I think I'm in for a ride. I guess we'll see, won't we?
10% - Am I a Judgey McJudgerson??
One of the things I try really hard not to do is judge people. Everyone's got their story and their reason for doing whatever it is they do. Who am I to say what's right and what's wrong? If no one's getting hurt...well then...
Having said that, I am starting out this book with a little bit of disgust in my heart where Chase is concerned. Disgust that is leaving a bitter taste on the back of my tongue. He's not a character that I like and I'm about to spend over 300 pages in his head.
21% - Sometimes it's the weirdest things that get you
There I was doggedly disliking Chase when the point came where he first talks to Tango. The way Chase answered Tango's question about his mother and father just said a whole lot to me. Do I still think he is going about things the wrong way? Oh, HELL YES...BUT my heart just warmed a little toward him.
Also, that moment in the story is the subtlety that I love in a book. Well played, Amy Lane. Well played.
31% - Boxes
This story is very much about compartmentalizing. How and when it works, how and when it doesn't work. It's also very much about how much you can trust the things that people do. Actually, how much you can trust people in general. As much as I want to hate these characters...Tommy (Tango), Chase and Dex...I just can't. They're hurting people (even if those people don't know it) but they're also hurting themselves. It's a Hell of their own making, yes, but still...it's Hell and there's something very sad about that.
45% - The subtlety of feeling
I has occurred to me that I am liking this book way more than I liked
A Solid Core of Alpha. The emotions in this book are still pretty strong and there is a lot of angst but there hasn't been a lot of crying and no one's thrown up yet. This is a good thing. It doesn't feel nearly as heavy handed as A Solid of Alpha and I am appreciating it. -
How to describe this story?
Hmmm...
Maybe like this?
An emotional roller coaster, the support beams being damaged and hollow from years of angst and strife. The car representing either one of the damaged gentlemen that are Chase and Tommy (sorry Chance & Tango for you Johnnies' fans). The emotions run so high and drop so low, frantic, frenetic, crazy, lustful, passionate, crazy, insane, so good it hurts, so bad it's good.
T + C together it's electric, baby!
Or like this?
Colorful, blooming, ever changing, that's Chase and Tommy.
Tommy brought color to Chase's lonely, contained world. He made him live. Together, they thrived.
Now there are tons of reviews on this gem of a book. I'm not going to reiterate the 'OMG dis iz da bestest eva 4 reelz!' reviews. (Even if they might be onto something)
The shortened summary? A damaged young man living in the closet becomes a gay porn star and falls in love with a fellow porn model all while having a girlfriend on the side and an alcoholic bigot for a father. And both damaged men patch their way through their issues (and believe me they got plenty - I felt like pulling out some popcorn to watch this first ring act)
It got dramatic, realistic and fantastic. And at the end of it all, I crave to read more. I love my angst filled nuggets (though it's not my #1 angsty M/M that I've read for the year - , this story is in my top three -wedged in deep)
You like angst done well? You want some complication, don't mind a little mud on your literary boots?
Read this.
Now.
(It took a second time reading to get into it but once I did, I wasn't disappointed.)
FOUR & A HALF STARS -
I don't know how to review this book. It was one of the most emotionally powerful books I have read in a very long time.
It took me a while to get into the story, but then it was a case of telling the kids to look after themselves as Mum wasn't stopping until this book was finished.
There was a great cast of characters, with different personalities, who I enjoyed, but Chase was unbelievable. What a heartbreaking lead he was.
All I can say is, if this book is on your tbr, move it up and read it now. Plus, have some tissues handy.
This book will not easily be forgotten. What an amazing read. -
Emotional, Honest, Powerful and Real
"Nobody knows the real Chase."
"Chase knows all too well that the only things thriving in a heart’s darkness are the bitter personal demons that love to watch us bleed."
Passion
Heartbreak
Emotions
Chase isn't the world's nicest person. He makes decisions that hurt other people, but his actions aren't born out of malice cause Chase is a deeply damaged, almost broken man.“Chase, where are you when you do that?”
“I’m trying to see myself from the outside.”
“Really? Why?”
“To make sure I don’t look too off.”
He doesn't want to hurt, or burden anyone. He made a promise to someone he truly cares for, and the thought of breaking that promise, and hurting Mercy is tearing him apart. He doesn't want to live a lie, but what he sees as the consequences of being true to himself are just too terrible to bear. He is complicated, and it seems like he never hurts anyone as much as he hurts himself. Chase's inner musings were just ...*sigh* heartbreaking."I fell in love with a guy I met on a gay-for-pay porn set, and he cheated on me when we weren’t really a couple, because I had to leave him for my girlfriend."
I loved Tommy. He had lots of own issues, and insecurities to deal with. I loved how much both Chase and Tommy were able to support each other, and how their relationship was based on respect, and mutual understanding instead of pure lust... *sigh*"I was off fucking one guy for money and falling hopelessly in love with another guy for no other reason than that he seems to have the key to the door in my soul."
The climax of the whole story and the honesty of Chase's breakdown made my heart bleed... Chase's problems were not easily solved and he must come to terms with his past, and learn how to live with what has happened."It was them and they were alive and they were in love, and there was nothing dirty about that."
It's a powerful, honest story of life filled with amazing and real characters, and angst that feels in proportion to what the characters have experienced. It's also a story of promises. Promises we make, promises we keep, promises we can’t keep and those we can’t dare to make to ourselves or anyone else.
This story is not for everyone. It's a dark story at times, but not one without hope. For me this book will not easily be forgotten.
BR with Alvin, Barbara, Isabel and Lucy
Thank you, guys, so much.
Amy Lane is one of the greats.
Brilliant and unforgettable read.
My review of Dex in Blue
My review of Ethan in Gold
-
Chase is a caretaker and it's a wonder that he is. His father was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. He could have repeated the cycle of pain but instead he turned it all inward but gives the world his best face, his dearest heart. He cares for Mercy, even at the end, even bleeding, he lets her know that her car, the apartment, all taken care of. He could not have given her an easier out, made the transition away from him any easier. Tommy, the love of his life, he makes sure there are people around who can take care of him, make sure he eats, stand in for Chase until he can get back there, to Tommy’s side, where he belongs. He is so together even as his life is unraveling. Because Chase is a planner, he had to grow up so fast, his mother's suicide killed his childhood, put him behind a door that he holds up every day by sheer force of will. Making his life orderly keeps the door firmly shut. But Chase cannot be who he needs to be unless he confronts his past, lets the pain out, and he's terrified that if he admits to being gay that this is the real reason his mother took her own life. He's terrified that his father’s vile, hateful words are true. So the process of the door being opened, the water sloshing out, there's no way for it to be anything but eviscerating.
Chase's journey from pain to love is brutal and we go into the emotional blender with him but as he realizes that taking his own life is the ultimate selfishness, there is, finally, release. He breathes. We breathe with him. He laughs with his best friend Donnie and we know, right then, because he still can, that he'll get better. The strength in him is greater than the hurt; his hope for a life with Timmy finally wins. I love Chase, I have never wanted to hug a character so tight and make it better. I look forward to hearing about his strides and seeing more of Dex in the sequel. I fell in love with him too. -
Ok, this is the *first* Amy Lane book that took me two tries to finish.
I must’ve been in a mood or something during the first try a couple of years ago, but the first section of the book hit me full on with cheating on the *girlfriend* (no cheaters, just no), barebacking in a public toilet (eww, trashy) and suicide attempt by the main character. It was more than I could take, so I put it down, in spite of my addiction to Amy’s books.
Fast forward two years and I finished it. I think the thing that threw me most the first time was the timelines jumping around and being exposed to what, with the context that I had at the point in the book, gave me the impression that Chase/Chance was nothing but a suicidal, cheating, whore of an individual and it pissed me off.
Amy generally throws the icky parts of the story at you in slowly enough to process and this one gave you the mother of all money shots full on in the face without an ounce of foreplay. *Splat*. Closing book now, no thanks. (Yes, porno reference, you’ll live.) :- )
So two years later, I knew what was coming and in a fit of Amy withdrawal (I’d read all of her others of interest), I tried it again and am glad that I did. The cheating and the ‘red door’ stuff was still bothersome for me, but getting to know Chase and Tommy was worth all of that.
I must say that the flash forward, flash back setup of the story still left me a bit dizzy and I wasn’t a fan of the feeling. I still have zero idea how the barebacking club scene happened, again with the dizzy, but oh well.
I’m looking forward to reading the other two books in the series this time around and recommending this one.
Four stars. -
It’s life, Chase. I’m pretty sure you’ve figured out by now that it’s not always pretty.
This book! It. Killed. Me. I am dead. When they find my lifeless body with my Nook clutched to my chest, someone will pick it up, see Chase’s story, read those first words and get sucked in. When they are done, they will die too. Amy Lane’s gorgeous, heartbreaking, soul wrenching, emotionally exhausting and fantastic writing is the gay romance author’s version of the video from The Ring. Read her words and you will die by the last page…just as I did.“Chase, where are you when you do that?”
“I’m trying to see myself from the outside.”
“Really? Why?”
“To make sure I don’t look too off.”
I have no idea how to review this book. It was that good. The contents of each page are so deep in my soul that I can’t let go. I keep thinking about Chase and as a mother of boys, I just want to hold him, rock him and sing to him to let him know that things will be okay. Is that odd to have such feelings for a book character? If you answer yes, obviously you have never read one of Amy Lane’s boys.Yeah. I’d be gay, pretending to be straight, pretending to be gay.
Chase Summers is a good man; he is going to school to be an engineer, works a decent job and has a sweet, loving and beautiful girlfriend but Chase is living a lie. He has been his whole life. Until the moment among friends he learns about a website; a gay for pay website where he can finally get what he needs.I can do anything as long as I’m being touched by another man. I could probably fly.
The dichotomy of Chase’s heart, soul, integrity and morals as we get them through his inner dialogue is what drives this book. Each word italicized gets you so inside this mans head that you start to see the door trying to fly off the hinges and the red water overflowing with him. You feel the want, the want that he has to be who he is, the real Chase and not Chase the boyfriend of Mercy, son of Victor or best friend of Donnie. Not even Chance, the porn star who fucks like a God and who is the closest thing Chase comes to as his true self. The promises he makes in his head, the way he lives with the struggle inside his being…I can’t think straight. Again, how do I review this and not fall apart as bad as I did reading it?I fell in love with a guy I met on a gay-for-pay porn set, and he cheated on me when we weren’t really a couple, because I had to leave him for my girlfriend.
The journey to one’s true self is such a hard road for Chase. The title is dead on, Chase Summers lives in the shadows of his soul, mind and society. His fight and fear to NOT be that thing, those three words, that little pussy faggot. Those words that make the horrors real and that door to his soul burst open with the weight of the truth.Because I am supposed to be straight, I can’t be gay, or stupid, or a failure. If I’m gay or stupid or a fuck-up…Breathe. Shove that door shut again and ignore the cracks around the frame.
When “Chance” meets fellow co-star, “Tango” he begins to see who he could be and what he could have as they strip away the stage names/personalities to become Chase and Tommy. Oh Tommy. Your struggles were not as hidden or as dark as Chase’s were but so many times I wanted to just lay you down and draw imaginary lines from each of your freckles to connect the dots and make you whole.I was off fucking one guy for money and falling hopelessly in love with another guy for no other reason than that he seems to have the key to the door in my soul.
Chase would not have this story if it weren’t for Tommy. Their love is gorgeous. Their want to be together tore me apart over and over again. I cannot let go of their scenes together, from the first time Chance saw Tango, to Florida when they first shared their real names, to Boston, to the weeks they stole for each other, to…to just them. Living the life of porn stars and putting their work and their private lives into little boxes while dealing with the things that Chase doesn’t say between them? It was full of every emotion possible. This, their story is why male/male romance appeals to me so much.It was them and they were alive and they were in love, and there was nothing dirty about that.
Chase in Shadow is a brilliantly told story of promises. Promises we keep, promises we can’t keep and those we can’t dare to make to ourselves or anyone else. While it was hard to read and I cried many times and still feel the heavy weight on my chest when I think of so many scenes and as I go over my notes…I am so happy I read it. This story, Chase’s story was dark, inside and out but life is dark, life is hard to live no matter who you are. But there is always a “Chance” that you will find something, find someone who will help tear down the walls, open the doors to find you and help you find yourself. -
Here's the thing...I put this series off for a very long time because I knew they did not just have normal Amy Lane Angst, oh no, they have Super Mega Huge Over The Top Amy Lane Angst, and I just wasn't sure whether or not I could handle that level of sustained feeling of deep anxiety or dread.
So like every good coward, I put the series onto my TBR and pretty much left it there. To languish among the hundreds.
Then I saw that Sean Crisden narrated the audio book. It's Sean. I have yet to hear a story where I didn't like his narration. So I got the audio.
And, oh, but I am a sucker for Sean Crisden and Amy Lane together. So yes, there are nuclear levels of angst in this story. Yes, there is cheating, which is normally a red-flag-full-on-stop-do-not-go-further-with-this kind of thing for me, but I was prepared for it, you know? So I could roll with it. I didn't like it, but I could deal with it.
The story is told completely from Chase's POV, so as a listener (or reader) we get to see just how not malicious he is in the things he does. He's not mean, he's broken. Unfortunately, his brokenness tends to spill out over other people who love him and trust him. Can you tell I didn't like Chase? I never really warmed to him. I listened to almost 10 hours of audio and never once thought, "Well, at the heart of it all, I really like the character." No, I didn't like Chase, but I empathized with him. I felt sorry him. I felt sorry for a lot of the characters in this story.
I did like how the porn shoots were treated like a job, and it wasn't skeevy or sleazy. I liked Tommy, Donnie and Dex, or what I got to see of them.
In the end, the writing is very good. Hell, the story is very good, but I didn't connect to many of the characters. I didn't feel like I usually feel at the end of an Amy Lane story. I'm not sure if that's because of all of the emotions running high throughout, or because this is one of those stories that uses a jump around timeline, where we start in the present, and keep popping into the past. Also, each chapter apparently has a "scene" in the beginning and the narration of that transition to the actual chapter was sometimes confusing to me.
OH! and the "twist" that happens towards the end? Oh, ho! Let me tell you, I raged! As soon as the whole "Oh, I changed brands" happened I knew what was going on and man I would have liked to been Pacino in Scent of a Woman at that moment!
Though this might sound strange, I'm actually thankful that the story pretty much only has the horrible things happening to Chase. Sure, some of it spills out onto others, but for the most part, it's on Chase. Thankfully it's not a
Keeping Promise Rock situation where everyone is being made miserable and has to go through the trials of Job. Of course, like all the other Amy Lane books I've read, in the end the characters get their hard won HEA.
I would absolutely recommend this for those who like a heavier tone to their romance stories with higher angst levels and who don't mind cheating.
P.S.: I'm really looking forward to David "Dex" Worral's story next up in
Dex in Blue!
Audio copy of
Chase in Shadow (Johnnies #1) provided by
Dreamspinner Press in exchange of an honest review.
This review has been cross-posted at
Gay Book Reviews. -
I went into this book with pretty low expectations, but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. It's a hard read. Chase isn't the world's nicest person. He makes decisions that hurt other people, but his actions aren't born out of malice, or any sort of narcissism.
Chase is a deeply damaged, almost broken man. He doesn't want to hurt, or burden anyone. He made a promise to someone he truly cares for, and the thought of breaking that promise, and hurting Mercy is tearing him apart. He doesn't want to live a lie, but what he sees as the consequences of being true to himself are just too terrible to bear. He is complicated, and it seems like he never hurts anyone as much as he hurts himself. I found it interesting how much of a haven the porn was for him, and how it gave him an outlet for all of his repressed feelings and desires.
I really liked how porn was treated like any other job. Chase, and the other actors were treated as real people, instead of stereotypes. Chase was no naive kid who needed a more seasoned actor to save him from the job, or himself. It was a choice he, and each of the actors made for a variety of reasons. No one was being exploited, or used. I liked how well they were treated by the company, and how well they treated each other.
I liked Tommy as well. He had his own issues, and insecurities to deal with, and it wasn't a story about him sweeping in, and fixing Chase. I liked how much both Chase and Tommy were able to support each other, and how their relationship was based on respect, and mutual understanding instead of pure lust. Their relationship isn't just sex, and Tommy's love, and support help Chase to carry on. There was no magical healing penis.
I really liked the secondary characters in this story. Mercy is not treated like a hindrance, or a burden, and Chase truly does love her. She loves him as well, and isn't the one dimensional villainess that seems so popular in m/m. I even liked that Chase's father, miserable as he is, had moments of humanity. He is not a good man, but even he isn't treated like he is just a monster. I really liked the other actors. They were a fun, and varied group. I think Dex had to be my favorite. I liked how much of a friend he was to both Tommy, and to Chase.
Then I came to my favorite part of the story, which might be a strange way of putting it, but the honesty of Chase's breakdown made this story for me. Chase's problems were not easily solved, and, no matter how good the sex is between Chase and Tommy, it was not the cure to everything that was wrong with him. Chase is seriously depressed, and this story does justice to the struggle dealing with it is. Chase must come to terms with his past, and learn how to live with what has happened. Chase's coping mechanisms are well done, and feel authentic to his character.
A really powerful, honest story filled with real characters, and angst that feels in proportion to what the characters have experienced. It's not a story for everyone. It's a dark story at times, but not one without hope, or humor. -
I wish I had the emotional writing depth to really do reviews justice, but I don't. Here I go trying it anyway!
Amy Lane has such a strong hold on flawed characters and she always delivers them as if you can feel, taste and KNOW them. She gives us this with Chase in Shadow. With that said, this book did not make me break down for days the way I did with
A Solid Core of Alpha, but it does pack a punch in line with her other books, such as
The Locker Room and Promise books. I would not be sad if we get to look inside the little grey house with orange trim again, so Amy if your listening, more Chase and Tommy and all the lovely cast of characters they call friends please!
Chase is messed up, bad. He is so in his head and he spends so much time building these really solid walls to compartmentalize his life to protect himself and those that he loves. You cannot hate him, even if you try. You want to scream and punch and tell him he does not deserve good things. But you will not need to because he does it to himself every minute of every day. He hates lying, yet his entire life is built on lies. He has NEVER once told a single person the truth about who he is, including himself. He is surrounded by really great loving people and Chase does not want to burden them with 'dumb shit', so he constructs more walls, more boxes and keeps them in separate rooms. Chase is an amazingly complex character that started out with the shitiest beginning, but he had a plan. His plan may have been wrong and he may have held onto it longer than he should have, but I understand him.
Then comes Tommy "Tango' Matthew Halloren.
Walls start breaking, boxes start opening and shit starts spilling out.
Tommy is lovely, loving and not perfect either. He is strong and can be dominant and grabs what he wants and then on the other hand he is not. As complex as Chase is, Tommy is that as well, but in a more quiet take out less casualties sort of way. He wants to find who he is outside of his current job and he wants to find love. Seems pretty simple right?
There is an instant connection between Chase and Tommy and then there is love. Chase comes the closest he ever has to a person and to telling his truths. Tommy knows Chase better than anyone has ever and it still was not enough for Chase to do the right thing. Until it all came crashing in on Tommy. Then Chase did what his fucked up mind thinks is the right thing - then he does what he thinks is the right thing again and all the walls come crashing down.
I would love to recommend this book to everyone, but I can't. There is cheating, there is porn, there is knitting. It also has some jumps between present, past and beginning paragraphs that are like dreams/future thoughts that get confusing sometimes. For those of you who can get past those things, read this book. It will be well worth your time. And yes I did shed tears, specifically towards the end when Tommy got so excited for his Christmas present.
