Queen Bee Moms \u0026 Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Parents, Teachers, Coaches, and Counselors Who Can Make--or Break--Your Child's Future by Rosalind Wiseman

Queen Bee Moms \u0026 Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Parents, Teachers, Coaches, and Counselors Who Can Make--or Break--Your Child's Future Reviews

• 
  Skylar Burris

  I might not be in the best position to evaluate a book such as Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads. After all, I’m a fairly oblivious person, the kind who is largely unaware of people’s positions in the social pecking order, the kind who frequently fails to observe the superficial things that are of importance to most people—that is, the kind of person who, in college, didn’t notice my college roommate had died her hair red until she pointed out the fact to me two days later. (Does that make me a “Socially Challenged Mom”?) I’m the kind of mom who doesn’t get involved in parenting politics and who doesn’t feel a pressing need to “advocate” for my child. (Does that make me an “Invisible Mom”? ) Often I send my husband to Back to School Night while I stay home with the kids. I’m not privy to the playgroup circuit, since I just open the door and let my kids find playmates on the streets or by knocking on doors. (Does that make me a “Benign Neglect Mom”?) All this musing over which of Wiseman’s categories most applies to me leads me to the real reason I’m not in the best position to evaluate this book: I simply don’t believe in the efficacy of putting complex human beings into social categories.
  
  While I do see some truth in her caricatures, on the whole, I don’t find such categorization to be particularly helpful or accurate. Only about the first third of the book seems to be dedicated to this exercise, however; the rest is concerned with giving parents scripts so they can “advocate” for their children and teach their children to “advocate” for themselves. Since I probably lean most heavily toward the “Invisible Mom” category (I'm using her categories after all!), I tend to shy away from making my children's lives a cause, so most of this information did not seem particularly useful to me.
  
  The scripts seemed unrealistic to me. I just don’t see myself using most of them in the parenting years to come. The coach yelled at you and made you feel bad on the field when you fumbled? Yeah, he’s a COACH. That’s what they do. What’s that? You ended up doing most of the work on a group project? Yeah, that's life – the competent people drag the weight of the incompetent people, who then get equal (or sometimes even more) credit. What? You got a bad grade? Work harder next time, or take an easier class, or resolve on going to a less prestigious college. It won’t prevent you from earning a living. There are also scripts I can use when I have conflicts with other parents, but thus far I’ve never yet experienced any of the specific parent-parent conflicts Wiseman describes.
  
  I particularly enjoyed the section of the book where she told me what’s wrong with me as an annoying white person. She reminded me that I have to make sure my children realize that prejudice is all around them, even though they currently don’t realize it or think much about differences in color, ethnicity, or religion. My kids may be comfortable living colorblind lives, playing tag and make believe with their black, Jewish, Asian, and Muslim friends without a care in the world, but I need to make sure they feel keenly aware of the fact that these friends are not white Christians and therefore may be unjustly arrested or harassed at any moment.
  
  The one chapter that was most applicable to me personally was on the subject of birthdays. Wiseman threw bar/bat mitzvahs into that chapter too with a passing reference to confirmations, although she overlooked quinceañeras. The birthday conundrum is a pressing one. Do you invite the whole class despite the potential expense, or do you invite just a few kids and hurt some feelings? What about neighborhood and church friends on top of school friends? What happened to the family-only cake and ice cream birthday celebration anyway? Why does every birthday party seem to occur in some public venue and involve some costly activity? But she didn’t delve deeply into my concerns, which are primarily financial. How expensive a gift should you get birthday kids, considering my kid is going to ten parties a year on average? Is there a cheaper way to do these parties without your kid feeling left out as the only kid in town without a party that includes a large number of friends? At what age do kids stop having parties?
  
  Overall, this book just wasn’t for me. I’m not living this life she describes, or, if I am, I’m so oblivious of the fact as to be unreachable. Although these cliques were more apparent to me in high school, even then, I didn’t really feel such categories were accurate. How does one draw group lines, really, when the blonde cheerleader is a valedictorian and one of the star football players is also the star of the school musical? Perhaps I see the world in boxes, but I don’t see quite so many boxes as Wiseman does. Perhaps I witness the occasional social conflict, but I don’t perceive my world to be a parental warzone. The last couple of chapters, on sex, alcohol, drugs, and college applications, I merely skimmed, because those days still seem a long way off to me. Perhaps I will revisit those pages in five years.
  
• 
  Christine

  I think this book should be required reading once your child enters elementary school! :)
• 
  Isabel

  Ummm... Well, honestly, I thought it started strong. Just like the last book, she had a scenario that was true enough to bring up pretty strong feelings of recognition and relief. She opens with: Back to School Night. But from there... I dunno.
  
  My first objection is how much of the book was lifted 100% from Queen Bees and Wannabes.
  
  I did like her contention that we should all be advocates for human dignity. Period. We should try to stand up when we see someone doing something wrong (good luck with that one), and we should treat all people with basic respect. We should also recognize our own shortcomings and try to correct them.
  
  My second objection is how easy she makes things out to be in her scripts. The fact that kids retaliate is mentioned, but W seems to think that by speaking up for herself, a victim will no longer be a victim. I'm not sure about that... I can also see how speaking up could actually make things harder on the target. Revenge and retribution are as motivating as random cruelty, I think.
  
  Still, W offers a view of a different path. That's worth something.
  
  AS usual, some of the stereotypes were overly simplistic.
  
  I liked how she talked a bit about the dynamic of working parents and stay at home parents. This is one of the first times I've read about how (mostly) women who have left the workforce to care for their children have a need to be involved and get validation from efforts outside the home. This is a societal problem, but it is often something overlooked, ignored, or hidden in plain sight by the (mostly) women dealing with it.
  
  The feelings of stay-at-home dads were new to me. I'd always assumed that they were pretty confident and it was a surprise to read that they felt judged by other parents. I guess my own gender bias was such that I figured men were beyond that kind of insecurity. Then again, if they are no longer working, they, too, are no longer receiving the external validation of professional employment.
  
  The quotes from sources were pretty interesting. Nice technique that paralleled the structure of Queen Bees & Wannabes.
  
  I guess I got a few things out of this book. Not a total waste of time, but not as good as I'd hoped.
• 
  Kirsti

  Most of this rang true to me, and I liked that the author gave plenty of space to recounting incidents in people's own words rather than as paraphrases.
  
  Minus one star for mentioning almost nothing about gay teenagers and absolutely nothing about bisexual or transgender teenagers. This book came out in 2006--there were plenty of gay-straight alliances at schools by then.
  
  One of my favorite parts of the book (I'm paraphrasing here):
  
  HOW TO TELL IF YOUR KIDS HAD A PARTY WHILE YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN
  
  * Every wastebasket in the house is empty.
  
  * Your lawn has far more cigarette butts than usual.
  
  * The house stinks of air freshener.
  
  * The carpets have been vacuumed so recently that you can still see the vacuum-cleaner marks.
  
  * There are lots of bottles in the outdoor trash (or, if your kid is smart, there are lots of bottles in the outdoor trash of whichever neighbor your child most dislikes).
  
  * Your kid is really nice to you.
  
  
• 
  Raven

  Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads is about dealing with the people you'll encounter once your child bursts forth from the womb. The book distinguishes different personality types, labeling them as Queen Bees (the perfect PTA/"my child is perfect because I'm perfect" Mom,) the Side-kicks, the Floaters,the Wanna-be's and the Invisibles. The labels feel authentic and accurate, and are instantly recognizable to anyone who's ever attended high school and had to deal with cliques, popularity, and trying to find your "social place."
  
  Since it is unlikely a true "Queen Bee" would actually stoop to reading this book, Wise spends most of her time focusing on how to handle situations that may arise with a "Queen Bee" type. One scenario she uses is that of a PTA-Queen Bee bullying someone into taking on much more work than that person can handle. Wise provides dialog and an explanation, successfully illustrating how to say no without causing offense. What I liked about this book is that it takes you from pre-school to college entry, so you can see how the process works at different stages of your childs academic life. She also makes sure Dad is included, and offers great advice for men facing similar situations.
  
  The books true strength lies with Wise's honesty, and her ability to bridge the gap between the Queen Bee's and the Invisibles. If more people followed her common-sense approach, perhaps the modern PTA meeting would feel less like a middle-school lunchroom foodfight, and more like something done to actually improve our children's schools.
• 
  Megan

  Interesting at points, but also partly eyeroll-inducing, like when it goes on for 30 pages about kids' parties, including 7 pages (7 entire pages!) under the subheading "Problem: Your Child Doesn't Want to Invite an Old Friend to a Party." Makes the Benign Neglect method seem all the more appealing.
• 
  Guillermo Sparks

  This makes no sense. The author is not able to get their point across. They write this with the time heartbeats at the varsity cheerleading table in the high school lunch room, an d the reader is trying to know why they aren't with that table. It feels like the plot of means girls.
  If someone has a flow chart or a Venn diagram to go along with this title.
  
  Additionally, without getting too personal, I wanted to read this for some tips and social cues that psychology sometimes explains. I'm unable to understand what and how to navigate teachers, coaches, counselors, school staff, and neighborhood from this work, which is more creative fiction than nonfiction.
• 
  Lisa

  I've been touting Rosalind Wiseman's advice ever since I devoured the excellent Queen Bees and Wannabees, and this book is another fast favorite. Wiseman's main point is that being a good parent isn't just about how you interact with your kid, it's also about how you interact with the other grown ups in your kid's life. She gives concrete advice, and in some cases writes you a script with what to say. Wiseman thinks kids are safer and healthier when parents work together as a community, something that doesn't happen automatically in this day and age, and I finished this book motivated to help foster that community in my area.
• 
  Anna

  3.5 Stars Actually. This is a good book for handling the many difficulties that come along with different parenting scenarios as one’s children reach middle school and beyond. At times I found the book so harsh in its depiction of parents and even children that I found it difficult to read and had to set it aside for awhile. But the frank way the author suggests communicating and the bravery for standing up for both one’s child and even one’s values as a parent/family make it an important read. The book was written in 2006, so I gave it less stars - it could use a social media update!
• 
  Kian.ting

  The school parenting world seems really politically complicated in the US. Hope that it isn’t like that here in the Oceania Région. Got a lot of good advise on how we could work with other parents in school to raise our children. Also learned what is appropriate for the western community and how their social circle is most probably like. Will keep all of these in mind as my children grows up to attend more senior years of school.
• 
  Rebecca

  This book is even more of its time than the other book I read by the same author. It still manages to catalog the infamous Karen, although not by that name. It was a good field guide to the world of adults for me, even if I didn’t manage to spot my mom in there. An interesting read, and I wish there was less relevance to today’s adult world. After all, high school never ends.
• 
  Amber

  I really appreciated how the author approached different issues and offered suggestions. Most of the interactions revolved around our children's problems and how to interact with other adults when our children are having issues. While helpful, I would've liked more content advising how to handle issues with other adults when children aren't involved.
• 
  Joan Reginaldo

  I learned some things about myself while reading this book.
  
  Has helpful tips and scripts for awkward situations. They may not sound realistic, but they provide good starting points.
  
  I would recommend to friends.
• 
  Bethany

  If only I could actually remember all thi stuff when I am actually in the situation.
• 
  C

  Pretty good tips on dealing with teachers/coaches/parents but also badly needs an update. Still helpful.
• 
  Kellie Reynolds

  Wiseman's book that focuses on adults instead of kids includes a lot of helpful information. My main problem with the book was the lack of focus. It is hard to tell whether the book is about personality types, interactions between adults, or parenting instruction. I know the three topics are related and affect how we progress with our kids through their development. Somehow the book seem scattered.
  
  
  The author starts the book with a discussion of culture and character. I like her description of character- "Our true character, individually and collectively, is revealed in the moments when the need to belong comes at the cost of what we believe in and what we know is right." Her definition of culture- "Everything we 'know' about the way the world works but have never been taught.
  
  Throughout the book Wiseman shows how individuals, based on the roles they take in social groups, are affected by cultural expectations. Individuals with strong character and self worth are willing to be cultural rule breakers. They don't follow silly social rules "just because".
  
  
  Wiseman includes descriptions of roles women and men take on (Queen bee, sidekick, wannabes, outsiders, kingpins, reformed, floaters, etc). The descriptions fit the names.
  
  
  Much of the book discusses interactions parents have with their kids, other parents, teachers, coaches, other kids, school administration. The descriptions of tough situations and possible solutions are very helpful. There are many examples of horrible parent behavior. After a while, it felt like I was reading a tabloid instead of a book. The examples were entertaining, but there were too many.
  
  The chapter on parent volunteering and PTA was most useful to me. It included information about the perception that PTA is a clique and often excludes large groups of parents.
  
  Overall- the book is useful and fairly easy to read.
• 
  Telaina

  What I like about Rosalind Wiseman's books is that she focuses on categories of behavior and then offers solutions. While sometimes this style can be reductive, it is very helpful in dealing with parenting behavior and child behavior. I like Wiseman's focus on communication. She doesn't focus on what values to instill your child, but she focuses on how to instill values, and communicate those values, especially as children enter the teen years. This book, about parental dynamics, was especially helpful for me, in the midst of parenting in the getting ready to apply for college/young adult years. Parental competition is at its peak and parents are frothing at the mouth to get their kids into the maximum number of AP Classes, top test scores, etc. I have often felt that I vacillate between absolute silence and bragging about my children--there seems to be no middle ground. I remember at one curriculum night a parent kept going on and on about how their son was going to do two separate gifted programs at the neighboring university, and then they mentioned their son's test scores; low and behold, my son's scores were higher, by quite a bit. I felt the urge to both tell the parent this, but yet also recognized how pointless and stupid all of it was. This type of thing happens to me all the time, these two feelings at once, and Wiseman's book helped me to identify why, and how to deal with those conversations/behaviors as well as my own ego stuff that I'm still dragging into my parenting.
• 
  Kathleen

  This is shelved near the author's other book Queen Bees and Wannabees, and since I was picking up the one, I went ahead and got this one too. Right now we're going through a lot of drama with middle school girls, and I thought I'd get some good reminders and tips to coach my daughter through some of the rough spots. However, after attending a mothers' meeting at her school, it occurred to me that the mean girls had to learn their behavior from somewhere and wasn't that interesting that their mothers were just as cliquey? You think that once you get past the age of 40 you won't have to deal with high-school type behavior, but guess what, for some people it never stops. This book is an attempt to categorize parents into behavior groups, and tries to find ways for you to navigate this tricky territory without making life worse for your kid at a time when things are hard enough. It was helpful in some aspects, but then I think a little naive in other aspects. Most problems between middle schoolers are not the kinds you can fit into neat categories, nor map out specific plans of action to fix them.
  
  
• 
  Jill

  While first tempted to chuckle along at all of "those parents" the author profiles, I quickly realized I needed to turn the mirror on myself and determine which profile I could be considered. I'm still not 100% sure which one I am-- which makes me worry that I need to gain more self-awareness--and I'm also hopeful that my trusted circle of friends will call me out when/if I cross the line into crazy parent land.
  I appreciated her advice to be courageous and speak out when something is amiss, even if it doesn't seem like our business. The author reminded me that parents need to work together and remember we are all on the same side--the side of building strong communities. It takes a lot of courage and confidence to not worry about what other people think of you--especially if it is doing the right, though likely unpopular, thing.
  
  The book was a helpful look ahead at some of the pressure we and our children will face in the years to come. I also appreciated her examples of how to have difficult conversations. My hope is that I can be courageous and love my children, their friends, and other parents well. And I've come to realize that I love them best by letting them learn.
• 
  deLille

  I did not read Wiseman's first book as I am raising just boys, but I saw this book and thought it might be insightful in understanding why other parents behave the way they do. I think what I most appreciated about this book was understanding why fathers tend to not get involved in disputes between families and let the mothers handle all the issues involving their children's relationships with other children.
  
  Mostly the book was a conflict resolution book re-packaged for parents. But there were some gems buried in there -- actual examples of issues that might arise and how to handle them, with realistic scripts of how a phone conversation or "confrontation" with another parent might be played out. The focus tended to be more on issues that would arise among older children (5th grade and above), which is a bit ahead of where my children are right now. I think I will keep this book in my library for future reference. Ten years from now this might be the best book I ever read!
• 
  Mark

  It was okay, not remotely as good as
  Queen Bees and Wannabes. She assumes you've already become familiar with the content of her first two books and cites them without giving any further information, so if you haven't read her other work it's significantly less useful. She bemoans the lack of parental involvement from dads and the paucity of parental advice targeted at and consumed by them, and then proceeds to give only cursory attention. She's a little to eager to put people in simplistic boxes. The amount of attention to the problems specific to upper-middle-class Jewish families is disproportionate to the actual number of upper-middle-class Jewish families.
• 
  Marjorie

  I think this is the first time I've read a book like this- a book geared toward parenting older children and the uncomfortable situations that will occur as a result of having teenagers. It gives good guidelines on how to deal with the other adults in your children's lives and I really liked the "scripts" for conversations with sometimes irrational parents (hey, we all fit into this category sometimes!). The book serves as a good reminder regarding the insecurities of other people, especially when it comes to their children. As a younger parent without much experience dealing with 'adults' I feel this book will definitely prove useful in my life; I can already see some of the mistakes I've made and ways I could have better handled them. Would recommend for anyone with less than average social skills or a lack of experience dealing with irrational people in stressful situations.
• 
  Amy

  This book was an interesting read. It had a lot of great advice regarding dealing with parents of teenagers and how to deal with them. I plan to use a lot of the lessons in this book. This was what the author really focuses on for the most part rather than her assessments of Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads. I disagree a bit with her assessment of many moms in this book, especially her views on PTA parents. I think PTA parents along with moms club moms often get a bad rap. I have had a very positive experience with both. I think a lot of times people come into those kinds of groups with a lot of misconceptions when really it is all about insecurity. I was surprised that so many people were apprehensive about Back to School nights also. Bottom line: if you are confident and realize that the battle is often with yourself then with other people then you will go far. :)
• 
  Tanya

  The book starts with the premise that adults must navigate the same cliques that ruled our lives in middle and high school in order to help guide their own children without creating "social death." It helps me with understanding how each person's role can affects how certain situations are perceived and how other people see us. It also gives specific advice for how to deal with problems in a variety of settings, particularly as a role model for dealing with conflict.
  
  I read a library copy, but I'm considering buying a copy. I've recommended it to several other parents when they've been in tricky situations that they're navigating through so they can guide their children in a positive direction.