Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood by Ruby Warrington

Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood Reviews

• 
  B

  Okay, I have to be honest: I'm not finished with this book. I'm just over halfway. But I am so devastatingly disappointed that I'm putting it down for a while. I can't read it at night, it gets under my skin too much. When I have the mental fortitude, I might try to finish it... we'll see.
  
  I went out and bought this book from my local bookstore after hearing author Ruby Warrington on Jameela Jamil's fantastic podcast "I Weigh." Warrington and Jamil's conversation was electric for a woman like me: mid-30s and in a marriage where we decided not to have children. In the podcast, they discussed the family you choose vs. the family you are born into, the state of the climate and the world, how individualistic priorities can be. I am so sick of people asking me "why" when I say I don't have kids. It doesn't make any sense to me why folks think they have the right to ask me to defend my life choices. I hear it almost as much as I hear "but do you get enough protein" when folks find out I'm a pesca-mostly-vege-tarian. So I ran to the bookstore to read a book where I would see myself reflected.
  
  Despite how deeply seen I felt listening to the aforementioned podcast, I felt abandoned reading this book.
  
  Warrington makes grand, sweeping claims that are backed up by nothing. Most women who don't have children bonded more with their fathers?! What?! No, bish. Women who don't have children are introverts? Ha! As if. Women who don't have children are...
  
  Stop trying to define us! There is no "look" to women without children. I thought that was the point???
  
  It felt like she was trying to answer that "why" that women without children are often met with. Which is so besides the point in my opinion. We don't owe anyone the "why." Let's talk about the "how" and celebrate different families. That's another thing, she treats the word "family" as one that pertains to units with children. No. I have a family. It's me and my husband. Full stop.
  
  A large part of this book is basically a memoir. False advertising.
  
  I'm really tired and really frustrated. I just wanted a book that celebrated all the things a woman without kids is, rather than focus on what she isn't. Warrington says she interviewed many people, but I haven't heard from hardly any of them more than halfway through the book. I guess we have to start somewhere with this conversation, but I don't want anyone in my life to read this book. It honestly feels like it would give those people a free pass to pathologize me, which is exactly what I'm trying to avoid. This book could have been a triumph. It was a let down.
• 
  ⭐️

  “Women Without Children” was like a wise and open hearted friend welcoming me home after a long, arduous journey.* As per usual, I knew nothing about the book outside of cover, and I likely never would have given it a chance if it wasn’t for it being free to borrow from the Libby app. I had finally made peace with not being a mother, so what was the point? Well, it turns out, I needed to feel a deep connection with Ruby. It’s as if she saw parts of my life, read my mind, and shared my heart through her baby memoir. (“Baby” meaning a new child, and also meaning “small amount” of her life’s story.)
  
  I wish this book was around when I found myself unable to become a mother over a decade ago. No amount of money, treatments/science, hard work, or creativity was able to make my life’s dream come true. For the first time ever, I was not able to “make” something happen in my life (including adoption, fostering, etc.*) I grappled with the question: “Who am I if I’m not a mother?” (Even though I knew, deep down, I was still worthy of being alive and contributing to humanity even though others in my realm felt inclined to discount this or, at worst, pity me.)
  
  I then found myself slapped with the understanding that I didn’t truly have a mother, either (though she was always extremely present in my life. See: enmeshment). Ruby touches on aspects of family dysfunction, the toxic beliefs of our society, along with a boatload of female empowerment.
  
  It was in 2019 when I realized that not only was I “okay” with not having children, but that I actually loved it and am genuinely happy to be childless. To go from absolute devastation to genuine gratitude in this area really blew me away and, ironically, shows me that all things are possible. ;)
  
  Ruby wrote a real gem. It’s one I can listen to over and over again.
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  *I’m sure if I stuck with it and refused to let my dream go, I could have eventually became a mother via adoption, fostering, or having step children, but I had a knowing that my form of mothering in this lifetime would not be conventional.
  
• 
  Rob1

  Expected more data (less generalizations and anecdotal evidence) and women voices but got mostly a preachy memoir.
• 
  Sara

  Thank you to NetGalley, Sounds True Publishing, and author, Ruby Warrington for providing an arc in exchange for an honest review. Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood comes out on March 28, 2023. This book was my favorite Nonfiction read of 2022!
  
  Since I received an arc, I cannot link my highlights - which probably would be half of this book. The author's voice was so strong and thought-provoking. I absolutely adored the book's discussion of feminism, environmentalism, sisterhood, and interviews with women. My only disappointment was Ruby's decision not to title the book "Selfish C*nt" for obvious marketing reasons :(
  
  Here are some of my favorite quotes, though it was hard to choose:
  -"At best, a woman who is not also a mother is seen as a strange bird, faulty goods. If she can’t have kids she is often portrayed as sad and damaged (“ Such a shame”); if she simply won’t (rarely is it that straightforward) she is either deluded, destined to regret it, or written off as cold-hearted, narcissistic, and career-obsessed. What a selfish c*nt."
  
  -" Pronatalism is what tells us that it is selfish and narcissistic not to have kids. Pronatalism is what makes women feel like they have “failed” when they can’t get pregnant. Pronatalism is what denounces queer sex, and all non-procreative sex, as “perverse.” Pronatalism is what turns up the volume on our biological clocks; what gives other people permission to nose into our private business; and what gives politicians a say about what we do with our wombs. Pronatalism is also the reason there is still no specific, widely used terminology that validates the life-path of women without kids: we are non-mothers, women without kids, either childless or childfree, all of which emphasize the absence of a child."
  
  -"A shocking illustration of this is the fact that marital rape was legal in the United States until 1975 and was only outlawed in all fifty states as late as 1993.9 The emotional inheritance of this? The belief that men are entitled to the ownership of women’s bodies."
  
  -**"A woman’s mother used to be her first and most vivid role model, but many women without kids are more our fathers’ daughters. After all, it often looked like the better deal— didn’t it? Not all of our fathers have made the best role models in terms of their life choices, but while my mum remained tethered to the stove while struggling to earn enough to make ends meet (she did her therapy training once my brother and I had both left home), my father had always been free to travel, and write, and teach."
  
  -"The underlying message (as in unconscious, and therefore all-powerful) being that a woman being wanted, taken, owned, and ultimately impregnated (by the right person, at the right time) was the natural order of things. And deeply interwoven with this was the notion that men (and society) were essentially entitled to women’s bodies as the means of reproduction."
  
• 
  Stacey Rupolo

  While I enjoyed the questions Ruby raises about what it means to choose to be child-free, the framing of this as a “radical sisterhood” was frustrating when queer communities have lead in this project for uhhh a long time! The sparse intersectionality in this book borders on ableist TERF territory for me and some of this writing felt too self-indulgent, which was distracting. This truly is a book by and for white women so if you identify that way (which i do) and are questioning if/when to ever have kids in this life, there is something here.
  
  Edit/TLDR: After reading other reviews, I agree it missed the mark by being too self-help oriented and not telling the stories of those surveyed and reporting the data around childless women.
• 
  Carson

  I was really excited to read this book as someone who has always known they never want children. But I think I went in with the wrong expectations about this book. I really expected it to be more about people who chose not to have children and the full lives they live, but it was really more for people who maybe struggle to know if they want children or not. 
  
  Still overall a great read and I think this is a topic that needs to be discussed more! And I think it is a good source for people who are on the fence if they want to have children or not.
• 
  Elizabeth Tuttle

  If this was slightly more academic it would be closer to 4.5 stars, but given her approach I rate this closer to 2.5. I rounded up only because I do want to support authors writing on this topic.
  
  What I thought would be a deep dive into childfree culture was instead more of a self-help book. I did enjoy the portions that functioned more like a literature review on the topic, but ultimately Warrington's history as as self-help author (I even enjoy her work on sobriety!) tainted this book for me. Ending all section with self-reflective questions as though I was looking for a journaling exercise feels counterintuitive to her goal for this to be a rallying cry for revolution. I don't want to form a collective with someone acting as a mentor (childfree doula figure??) rather than as a peer. Personal anecdotes and reflections on the scholarship are totally welcome, self-help on this topic is not.
• 
  Laurie Burns

  Here I am, an almost 40 year old woman, without kids. I did not really end up here as a super conscious choice. It was the kind of thing I was never sure was for me, I put other things before it, then I suffered a loss and then it just didn't happen. I am coming to terms with it and trying to be okay with it and this book did help. Warrington is a journalist, so I did find the book well researched with a lot of interesting points to think about and ponder. There is a lot of discussion on feminism, on pronatalist ideologies that perpetuate the gendered sexual binary, white feminism, and discussions with all kinds of different women and viewpoints. I read it slowly, finding it almost difficult, but in a good way? It made me think, and it made me feel seen and it really does seem like we are at a point of history where motherhood might be a choice, something that can be discussed and not automatic, and hopefully women without kids can began to be seen as full people
• 
  Stephanie

  I am a woman who is childfree by choice. It’s taken years for me to be able to brush off people’s feelings and opinions about this, but I’ve landed in a place of complete comfort with my choice and feel immensely grateful to all of the women who came before me who paved the way for me to have this choice at all. I was really excited to read this book.
  
  In my reading experience, the truly revolutionary ideas — that the choice not to have children is the final frontier in women’s rights and the ultimate expression of bodily autonomy, that reproductive identity is completely separate from gender identity, that being childfree can be in service of collective healing for self and humanity, and that it could be the tipping point from a sexual revolution to sexual evolution — are watered down by the fact that the overall focus is to justify all of the reasons not to reproduce rather than celebrating the choice itself. This is largely driven by the author’s own story, which in my opinion is not universal to all women without kids and takes up a lot of the text. The author does make the intent of the book clear in her introduction, but at that point I started to feel like it was a bait and switch.
  
  If you are unsure whether or not you want to be a mother or need help on your journey to make peace with your decision, this book will likely resonate deeply with you and provide a good starting point for reflection. If you are childless by circumstance or feel super clear about your choice to be childfree, you may not find what you’re looking for here, but the author has done some really great podcast interviews I’d recommend.
  
  In short, I’m glad this book exists, but I was hoping for something different than what I got.
• 
  PJ

  The author’s experiences and thoughts are interwoven with the experiences, thoughts, and works of other women, as well as questions to get the reader reflecting on their own. This book explains why our capitalist society uses Motherhood as a marker of female usefulness and anyone who goes against it (willingly or not) is seen as less-than. This is a compelling, moving, and inspiring read. It ends on a hopeful note for the current generation and all generations to come to take back our female power to leave the world better than we found it.
  
  My only criticism is that she incorrectly uses Autism as a linear spectrum (which it is not) but does so to compare it to her linear Motherhood Binary spectrum.
  
  Thank you to NetGalley for allowing me to read the ARC!
• 
  Nichole Ducharme

  ** DNF **
  
  I got this book because my bf and I are child free. I was looking for a book that would speak to the everything that goes with being a woman and not wanting kids.
  
  This didn’t really hit the mark for me tbh. I guess I was looking for facts, history of women’s lives and the expectation that’s been there regarding kids. And how parenting isn’t for everyone.
  
  I made it to page 55 and was just bored, lost and uninterested. This seemed more like book on the writer, her toiling with her internal thoughts on not wanting kids and her journey.
  
  Maybe someone one else will enjoy my copy more than I will.
  
  :/
• 
  Katharina Riesen

  Wow. I've never felt so seen and understood. This whole book just feels like an honest and open conversation with a friend about the topic.
  I really enjoyed how Ruby Warrington explained her own reasons for deciding to be child free without it sounding like she's trying to defend her decision.
  Can really recommend to anyone who's ever questioned if they want to have children and if it's okay to stay child free.
• 
  Joanne Hattersley

  Thoroughly enjoyed this. As a woman without kids, cancer took that from me , it was refreshing to read a book talking of this group of women not as eccentrics, or strange for being child less, more for being empowered. When you are not a mother, there is a sympathetic head tilt that comes your way as if to commiserate with you. People are shocked when you say…I dont want them.
• 
  Katy Manley

  When I was younger I envisioned being a young, fit, active, and involved mom of four kids (all boys) and living “the dream” as I knew it. Wow am I glad that didn’t happen! This book helped me explore whether that was what I had really wanted or thought was expected of me. I know why I don’t want kids and I feel empowered that I don’t have to explain that choice to anyone after reading this book.
  
  To be clear, this isn’t a book about kid-hating or mom-shaming or talking about how much more money and sleep the childless enjoy. This is an excellent resource for people of all genders and reproductive situations. The author poses tough questions with very personal answers and brings to light societal systems I had never considered when I thought of procreating or not. I continued to be enlightened while reading, maintained my profound respect for women with kids, developed empathy for my fellow women without kids, and still found myself affirming my decision along the way.
• 
  Rocio

  it felt whiny and honestly not very insightful or informative at all - it was all just opinion and personal experience and not backed up by actual facts
• 
  Katrina

  I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this book.
  
  ​TLDR: This book is frustrating and difficult to follow. It oscillates between self-help, research-based, and memoir style writing. While the author mentioned some of the positive aspects of choosing not to have children, the book mainly focuses on societal struggles, trauma, and other factors that influence women not to have children. If you're looking for a book to celebrate a life path that does not include becoming a parent, you won't find that here.
  
  ​--
  
  
  ​I got this book from the library after listening to "The Power of Child-Free Women with Ruby Warrington" on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast. The conversation there was so interesting, validating, and exciting to hear - finally, people talking about what it's like to be a woman navigating the world of adulthood after choosing not to have children!
  
  The initial chapters ​of this book were empowering and posed thought-provoking questions, particularly on the enduring pressure of balancing career aspirations with the expectation of starting a family.​ I also felt that there were a lot of important ideas raised around how much emotional labour surrounds the question of whether or not to have children for women from the time we are children until we ultimately make a decision. This question took up an incredible amount of space in my mind for 20+ years and it was exhausting.
  
  Despite the author's intention to empower readers, many arguments in the book focus on societal challenges​, trauma, and hardships associated with parenthood​ - these arguments overlook the positive aspects of choosing not to have children, such as nurturing other relationships and taking good care of yourself. The book implies that ​d​eciding to be child-free i​s most often rooted in adversity​ and pain, neglecting the simple desire to lead a fulfilling life ​that doesn't involve being a parent.
  
  As someone who has chosen not to have children, I don't grapple with ​these sorts of existential questions daily.
  
  The ​b​ook feels about twice as long as it should be. As many other reviewers have pointed out, the format is ​confusing - is it ​academic, personal, ​or self-help? The lack of clarity makes ​it challenging to navigate the memoir-style writing to find research. And while Ruby introduces voices from interviews at the beginning of each chapter, these often don't correlate well with the chapter's content.
  
  ​The author ​also presents certain ideas as universally accepted, such as veganism and the need for universal healthcare, which may not resonate with all readers.​ Those sorts of statements are matter-of-factly dispersed throughout the chapters and they felt out of place.
  
  L​astly, the author ​w​ants to paint women who choose not to have children as a united revolutionary sisterhood - and I understand that she feels that way and wants to open up space for other women to join in. However, I prefer not to be pathologized or categorized in that way - I just want to exist the way I've chosen to without being part of a revolution. I didn't feel that this book left space for people like me.
• 
  Alex Anderson

  This was all over the place and could’ve benefited from editing. The author goes from memoir to self-help to research in a roundabout pattern, with no clear structure for each chapter. I got tired of her repeating the same arguments halfway through. I was intrigued to read about the subject matter, but ultimately the execution was flawed so I couldn’t recommend this.
• 
  Tris

  This book gave me a sense of validation and belonging i didn't know i sought. I personally think a lot of women without kids do not want kids due to some form of mommy issues ... the relationship between a mother and daughter is deeply complex and it really makes or breaks a person, if that makes sense. I love my mother more than anyone in this world, although I can't say we have the best relationship, even within our family of five.
  
  I grew up in a highly family-oriented culture and upbringing, and growing up, marrying a man and having kids has always been the natural order of things. It wasn't until I became a full-fledged adult, perhaps after college, that I began to think that didn't have to be my life, my future. I often change my mind about a lot of things but in this decision i am as sure as i can ever be, I do not want to be pregnant and give birth. (For a lot of reasons, but mostly because of health concerns—mine and the hypothetical child's.) Hell, I don't even want to get married. Though that doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to be a mother. If ever (in ten or so years from now) I have the financial, emotional, and social security, and maybe a co-parent, then I will consider adopting a child. I'm not sure this area in the Motherhood Spectrum (as Ruby Warrington calls it) was explored in the book.
  
  Women Without Kids is a much needed read for any woman who has ever had doubts or regrets about having kids. Though I do feel it's a little longer than necessary and sounds repetitive at times. I started reading this for Women's history month but it took me a while to finish.
• 
  Lauren

  My really good review just got deleted 😭
  
  Really appreciated all the different angles this book addresses the topic from - I felt seen and understood the entire time I was reading it.
  
  My mom probably didn't appreciate the fact that I read her entire passages at the breakfast table as she saw her future grandbabies slipping away. But then again, that's even something the book addresses. We shouldn't feel like we need to have kids so our parents can be grandparents. Thats not a reason to have a kid!
  
  I look forward to discussing these topics with friends and am super grateful it's not longer a taboo subject. It looks at the question of motherhood from the individual lens but also the societal lens.
  
  I highly recommend this book if you're at all on the fence about motherhood and whether or not we live in a society where motherhood is a sustainable life choice for women (spoiler alert: it's not. we love ina society where mothers in particular get the short end of the stick in almost every aspect of life!) but if you're on the 'fuck yes I want to be a mom!" spectrum regardless of the hurdles - more power to ya! and if you're on the "fuck no?" end - there's absolutely nothing wrong with you!
  
  If anything this book just made me grateful for the realization that just like so many things in life....there's so much in between on that spectrum.
• 
  Eleanor Axt

  A very vulnerable read. Part memoir, part argument for the redefinition of childless women in modern society, and part workbook. A love letter to, as the author names them, “selfish c*nts,” that choose to remain childless.
  
  A large part of this book is dedicated to people like me who are on the fence about whether or not they want to have kids. The author leads the reader through assignments (journaling, reflection) in self discovery to help us find an answer. The author never once pins women against each other or claims one route is better than the other. Having kids or choosing not to have kids, is extremely personal.
  
  This book shed light on the concept of “pro natalism,” where governments encourage the notion that women and motherhood go hand-in-hand and that bearing children is the entire point of our existence as women. Giving women incentives for bearing children and making abortion unaccessaible are examples of pro natalist policies. The author explores societal, economic, and psychological outside forces that encourage this viewpoint.
• 
  Bookish brown girl

  Well intentioned but not a book for me. This book is more for people who are struggling with being childfree - which I don't really relate to.
  
  And some of the claims made seem unsubstantiated and the very narrow focus on cis-white woman experience is not holding my interest. And some of the language already feels trans-exclusionary. So I am going to cut my losses here.
• 
  Emma Engel

  June 2024 feminist book club pick. It was interesting and gave a lot to think about but I don’t think I’m the target audience so it just wasn’t for me. It read as too self-helpy for my liking. I was confused how she went back & forth between memoir style, then self-help, then research. It just was a bit disjointed. I was also bothered by some of the talk about having disabled children— while I understood what she was trying to say, it came across as pretty ableist in my opinion. It’ll definitely make for an interesting discussion though!
• 
  Nissa Romanowski

  Absolutely recommend anyone who relates to the title to give this book a read. I listened to the audiobook but I will probably pick it up again in book format since there is a lot to unpack within. It poses a lot of good questions and some controversial ideas about motherhood and it's meaning in the past, present, and future for those who identify as women.
• 
  Deb

  Found this incredibly validating of the complicated feelings of parenthood while making space for a broader spectrum of roles for women.
• 
  sigh ra

  A validating and encouraging read, and surprisingly offered many places for reflection as well.
  
  “The fact that more and more people are questioning whether motherhood is for them suggests that the extent to which one experiences the maternal instinct is less to do with our hormones and more likely the result of a unique constellation of psychological, environmental, and even cosmic factors that shape our individual identities. Could it be, when it comes to nature versus nurture, that the influences we are exposed to might even have the greater say when it comes to our reproductive choices?”
  
  “And yet, what’s still held up as normal and natural is a woman’s Affirmative Yes about being a mom—the notion that every woman, given the opportunity and the biological capacity, would gladly leap at the chance. So how did this binary view of motherhood—that it’s either a natural, celebratory YES! or a selfish, dysfunctional NO—come to be? And what happens when we begin to acknowledge the nuance that exists in between?”
  
  “Central to these women’s private agonies (one subject laments: “I am simply giving up my life. It is giving up too much, as far as I am concerned”) are what Donath describes as the “feeling rules” of motherhood: the fact that only certain feelings about motherhood are allowed. This adds up to what she describes as “a colonization of the imagination.”
  You know what she’s talking about, right? Feeling excited about becoming a mother: allowed. Dreading the loss of physical, mental, and emotional autonomy: definitely not. Feelings of elation any time a friend announces they are pregnant: lovely! Experiencing pangs of grief for the inevitable weakening of your bond, and feelings of jealousy toward the unborn child: selfish fucking cunt.
  So, to what extent is the notion of the maternal instinct intertwined with these feeling rules? I’m not saying that anybody is “duped” into believing that they want kids. But any idea accompanied by strong emotional content tends to override logic. And what is more emotionally charged than the rose-tinted fantasy of motherly love?” - THIS!!
  
  “First and foremost, we need to be able to speak openly and honestly about who we are as individuals and to share our deepest fears, needs, and desires for our lives. These are conversations we can begin to have with one another. It’s often seen as “not polite” to inquire too deeply into a person’s reasons for being a woman without kids. But this is yet more pronatalist conditioning, the implication being that a person not being a parent must be the result of a misfortune too tragic to mention.”
  
  “A bookish kid like me, Aron also shares that her love of reading stemmed from the fact that “I just wanted cozy quiet: a fantasy of detachment from the webs of accountability in which I already felt puzzlingly ensnared.” - yup, especially growing up in a joint family system where everything was always noisy and overwhelming, i'd just cuddle up with a good book and an apple
  
  “Jean Veevers notes in her 1980 book Childless by Choice (she coined the term) that “[in the eyes of society] anybody who accepts the ‘parenthood prescription’ joins the ranks of the mature, the secure, the respectable, and the adult.”
  
  “...childless-by-circumstance: they would like to have kids, but things just haven’t worked out. They can’t afford it, they haven’t met a suitable co-parent, or they’ve experienced fertility issues. Increasingly, their plans are on hold due to concerns about the environment (what you might call “childless-by-climate-change”). But just as our circumstances can dictate our choices, the choices we make also shape our circumstances going forward. So where does being childless-by-circumstance end, and being childless-by-choice begin?”
  
  “But few men are ever questioned for prioritizing their paycheck, or shamed for how they choose to spend it. And I’m also not alone here, am I? What are the less-than-essential things you might have to “sacrifice” in order to become a mother, and how do you picture your life without these things? If this brings up any feelings of shame, or even self-disgust, what do you think makes you want the things you do?”
  
  “As things currently stand, this is what makes self-actualization as we know it a function of privilege: safety, belonging, freedom, and respect, often linked to our earning capacity. And therefore easier for women to access when we don’t have kids.”
  
  “David Brooks also notes that “affluent conservatives often pat themselves on the back for having stable nuclear families . . . but then they ignore one of the main reasons their families are stable: They can afford to purchase the support that extended family used to provide—and that people further down the income scale cannot.” By this he means the “babysitting, professional childcare, tutoring, coaching, therapy, [and] expensive after-school programs” - it takes a village fr! and not just to raise children but to take care of each other!!
  
  “When it comes to legally recognized long-term commitments, philosopher Elizabeth Brake argues that these should be formed on the basis of caregiving—“absolutely crucial to our human survival”—rather than assumed (procreative) sexual activity.” - this is what i think of marriage as-a commitment to take care of each other and not necessarily 'romantic' or 'sexual'
  
  “But being realistic about one’s parental readiness, and not bringing a child into the world if you have any doubts about your capacity to care for them, is a great place to start. I repeat: it is not selfish to put your own security and well-being first. But it also definitely means being more conscious of how we choose to invest any economic and social capital that is not being funneled into raising kids: where we spend our money, how we spend our time, and the ways we leverage our individual skills and networks to help contribute to greater security and well-being for all.” - pleeease we need more self-awareness and reflection before bringing more children into the world 😭
  
  “The practice of acceptance speaks to our willingness to accept reality exactly as it is. Regardless of our reasons, I believe this concept is front and center for any woman without kids, and I want us to do a deep dive into it here. Not conforming to the selfless ideal of motherhood means accepting being seen as different, and it means accepting being judged. It means accepting being seen as selfish cunts while accepting that we will never “have it all.” It means accepting every choice we’ve ever made that has led to us not having kids, and it means accepting the circumstances behind these choices. It might mean accepting having been less than “perfectly” mothered. Above all, it means accepting that even the most positive and empowering choices can be a way of avoiding pain. It means accepting the sources of this pain. All of which is never not going to be a challenging and confronting process, but it must be part of our story. Because accepting all of this is how we quit wondering “what if?”
  
  “First of all, acceptance is often something we have to learn, like a language. This is because accepting things, and people, as they are requires us to step outside of conditioned reactions, prejudices, and avoidance tactics that have been laid down over lifetimes, that are often part of our emotional inheritance. This in turn means slowing down, paying attention, and noticing where we’re operating on autopilot, burying our head in the sand, or holding back from voicing an inconvenient truth. This process can be equal parts vulnerable, daunting, and discomforting. Taking the neural pathway less traveled requires literal cognitive effort, and where our default responses are also coping mechanisms (people pleasing or self-medicating rather than speaking our truth, for example) it may also mean wading through all kinds of wounding that we’d rather not look at.”
  
  When people ask or tell you that you'll regret not having kids: “But surely you are less likely to regret an action not taken than a deed that cannot be undone—like, say, bringing a whole new human into the world, whose existence and well-being you will remain responsible for on some level for the rest of your life.”
  
  “Making this evaluation and accepting that you may never be ready to be a mother in this life might lead to a period of intense grieving. Not that experiencing sadness about not having kids means you can’t also be confident in the choice not to pursue parenthood. It’s okay to grieve something you will never have and to feel empowered in your decision to prioritize other things. If anything, as Jeanne Safer writes in Beyond Motherhood, “To acknowledge that you are unwilling or unable to undertake everything a woman is now supposed to is sober, realistic, and an enormous relief.” The real relief comes from accepting whatever fears and limitations might find us orienting toward the Affirmative No end of the Motherhood Spectrum and focusing instead on where our desires and capacities might lead us.”
  
  “When you picture your own death, who do you see at your bedside? What memories will you leave them with, and what other imprints will your existence leave behind?”
  
• 
  G.

  I always assumed there would be a mythical "someday" when I would have children because that's just what women did. Growing up in the 1990s, I fed my babydoll her bottle and predicted how many kids I would have playing MASH in my 5th grade classroom. The only childfree woman I knew flew hot air balloons, played guitar in a band and was a computer whiz. It seemed great to little me, but when I heard others talk about her not having children it was spoken of a sad thing and she was called selfish.
  
  I got married at 24 and the nonstop "when are you having kids?" commenced. But when push came to shove, I had zero desire. I wanted to finish school, buy a house, travel. I thought of what having a child would look like - sending my kid to it's grandmother all day so I could work, get home to give them dinner and a bath, then go to bed and repeat? When would I even SEE this hypothetical child? I knew my mental health was not in a good place to have a child, but was told "you'd be a great mother." I was told "it's different when it's your own" and "you don't know true love until you have a child."
  
  The reason I share this is because we need books like this so women know all of this is TOTAL BULLSHIT. We need books like this so women realize they are NOT ALONE. They can and will live thrilling, fulfilling and happy lives whether or not their family makeup looks like something from a 1950s sitcom.
  
  Ruby Warrington covers a variety of topics relevant to this discussion. While she describes herself as Affirmatively No when it comes to having children, she advocates for supporting those who do have children with policies that make motherhood less burdensome. She goes further to discuss the trends of women opting not to have children and conversation around what life could look like as a senior without kids. What I especially appreciated is that she considered not just those who are childfree by choice but also those who cannot or will not have children due to circumstances outside of their control. I appreciated the inclusive tone towards those who do make the decision to become mothers.
  
  Mostly, I appreciate how raw the author was here. She shared some tough facts to admit about herself, such as her lack of desire to care for her disabled brother and the ease with which she made the decision to have an abortion. Understanding these parts of herself must have been difficult, much less sharing them with a judgmental world. However, I can see how this played into her decision making around not having children.
  
  There were a few points that struck me a little off. First, while the environmental discussion is relevant it sometimes felt overrepresented for the topic of this book. It could have been incorporated in a different way that did not dilute or muddy the overarching message. Secondly, this is a personal book and by necessity that means the author's personal views come into play. At one point she says we should all be vegan, for example. Just something to know going in.
  
  Overall, I am walking away from this book feeling inspired to envision a life without children that does not feel sad, selfish or scary. I hope to see more conversation in the future of how women can continue to bridge the gap between mothers and childfree women so that everyone can find their ultimate happiness. Whatever that means for them.
• 
  Lori

  From famine to feast: in recent years, more and more good (and even great) books about various aspects of life without children have been published -- and not just one but two in the last few months. Both received some good attention in the media: "Without Children" by Peggy O'Donnell Heffington, which I read last month, and "Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood" by Ruby Warrington. (Interestingly, Warrington's book seems to be better known in the UK, while Heffington's has been getting more press here in North America. Perhaps that's because Warrington is originally from the UK, albeit she now lives in the U.S.)
  
  Warrington is childfree by choice, and much of the book is written from that perspective. But involuntary childlessness is not ignored -- Gateway Women's Jody Day is quoted and referenced several times throughout the book -- and Warrington does, in fact, write extensively and persuasively about the existence of a "Motherhood Spectrum," with hardcore childfree-by-choice people at one end, enthusiastic mothers at the other, and most of us falling somewhere in between.
  
  The book mixes Warrington's personal story and extensive research with a psycho-socio-political analysis of life without children and what it means to never be a mother, as well as questions to get the reader thinking about their own stories and feelings on the subject. It ends with a message similar to Heffington's book -- that we all (parents & non) need to support each other and do our part in making this planet a better place for all of us to live -- but Warrington presents these ideas in a way that I found much more palatable/affirming and childless/free-friendly.
  
  For me, an otherwise good/thoughtful/interesting read was somewhat marred by several irritating factors that could have easily been resolved through editing: there was an abundance of choppy sentences/fragments, as well as (on the flip side) long, run-on paragraphs that could have been broken up into shorter ones. There were some annoyingly glaring typos/spelling/usage errors -- for example, I noticed "naval gazing," (navel); "now age" (new age), and "alter" (altar). I also found myself wishing that the thought-provoking questions Warrington poses to the reader throughout the book had been highlighted in some way for emphasis and easy reference (boldfaced? boxed? sidebarred?), instead of casually dropped into the copy, where they're more easily buried or glossed over. (Sorry if all of this sounds picky, but I was an editor in my pre-retirement life and I was paid to notice these things!)
  
  But while certain structural aspects were lacking, I very much appreciated the content. There were a few parts that were perhaps a little more "woowoo/new age-y" than I was really comfortable with (particularly in Chapter, 2,"Origin Stories" and its discussion of "Family Constellations"). But -- if I had been reading a paper copy, practically every other page would have been dog-eared; as it was, my e-copy is littered with bookmarks. I found it difficult to pick just a few quotations to highlight, because there were so many good ones that made some excellent points.
  
  Overall, this is a worthy addition to the growing library of books about life without children and worth a read.
  
  A solid 4 stars.
• 
  Taylor

  Though this book was a little progressive for me, I think this type of book should be required reading. If, for no other reason than to show people there are a multitude of reasons one may not have children, and being compassionate and open to those reasons, rather than judgmental.
  At 35 and without kids, I am a societal pariah. A selfish c--t. Damaged goods. Shallow.
  Something must be wrong with me because I am not moving heaven and earth to have kids. To be "someone's mom."
  As a society, this type of thinking and judging needs to stop.
  Whatever a woman's reason for not having children, it's no one's business. No one should be made to feel how we do because we haven't had kids yet, or perhaps don't want to, ever. As the author points out in this book, men are not told they "are not real men until they become fathers," so why is this still told to women? Why can't a woman choose not to have kids, or even just never have one at no fault of their own, and still be seen as a "real woman"? When did "having it all" include having a child?
  This book echoed so many of my thoughts over the last few years, being ostracized, losing friendships, and feeling overall like a non-person. But it seemed to validate those feelings and helped me to know I'm not alone.
• 
  Steph

  It took me a very long time to finish this book, though not as long as it took me to get comfortable with identifying as a woman without kids.
  
  If you’re still figuring out that identity, or even if you just feel bitter about your place in a world that values women as mothers above all else, the author is here for you. This book is about women without kids and obviously skews toward that perspective, but what this book does best is remember to include ALL women, including those with kids, in the conversation.
  
  Some of it got a little exhausting (clearly since I couldn’t finish it??) and repetitive, because there are only so many ways you can say fuck a capitalist society that treats women as objectified breeders and keeps us from building the kinds of villages that raise children best. Ruby Warrington knows this, and she tries to give us a different perspective, but as much as this felt like a rallying cry at times, it isn’t exactly revolutionary outside of its existence and popularity.
  
  I also didn’t love the focus on not wanting kids as a response to not only childhood trauma but trauma so deep we never thought of it as such until, conveniently, a therapist (or TikTok) tells you it is. Repression is certainly real and harmful, but not everything is trauma! The idea that a childhood that’s anything besides idyllic is traumatic enough to cause women to not want kids? There are a lot of reasons why women don’t want kids, so it rubbed me the wrong way that so much space was devoted to what felt trendy in the kinds of internet circles where this book will play well.
  
  This book is doing itself a disservice with the “celestial family” stuff — just like trauma repression, generational and inherited trauma are very real, but carrying out the spiritual wishes a great great aunt you never met to end the family line of women suffering is quite the leap. This felt like something that was very personal and healing for the author, so I don’t begrudge her that. But had it been told as more personal/memoir-y and less of a teaching moment, it probably would have made a greater impact.
  
  This book overall presents a lot of teaching moments and reads like a self-help book often. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, but as someone coming to this already having made my decision about not having kids, I wasn’t expecting so much of my reading experience to feel like a workbook. I’m not quite sure who the target audience is.
  
  All that being said, books like Women Without Kids need to exist. We need to be talking about this more, respecting women as whole people outside of their reproductive capabilities, living more conscientiously both with and without kids. Warrington does a great job reminding us that we’re all in this together and we have a responsibility to do better by each other.
  
  thanks to NetGalley for the e-ARC ❣️
• 
  Nicole N. (A Myriad of Books)

  Actual rating: 3.5 stars
  
  I’ve got a lot of thoughts but am having trouble putting them into words so this might be a jumble and all over the place.
  
  This was overall an enjoyable book. I don’t read much non-fiction—maybe one or two books a year. I saw that this book was released pretty recently so it touched on topics like the COVID-19 pandemic, which made everything seem so real, if that makes sense. The author doesn’t shy away from admitting that she is privileged as a white, cisgendered woman living in the Western world—how it can often be very easy to these types of women to make the decision not to have kids and not face as much questioning or backlash. I appreciated her honesty in bringing up moments in her own life that, now as she looks back on, we’re often key factors in her intentional choice to be a woman without kids. I feel like most people who are childfree by choice can probably look back in their own life growing up and even currently and spit out a lot of reasons they decided not to have children.
  
  I liked the ideas of “emotional inheritance” which Warrington attributes to psychologist Galit Atlas and is described as the “silenced experiences that belong not only to us but to our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents.” The author really covers such a wide variety of topics and reasons women are without kids—either by choice or circumstance and even directs questions to those who might be on the fence. I appreciated the author mentioning how motherhood can seem very much (and has been in the past) a way for men to control women because it often keeps them in the home and financially (among other things) dependent on men. I appreciated the discussion of what countries like the U.S. can do to help mothers and parents all around such as universal healthcare, parental leave, daycare costs, etc.
  
  There were some things I didn’t really care for. I don’t really think women without kids need to leave a legacy of any kind. Warrington mentions that women without kids can leave a legacy in terms of showing the world that you don’t have to be a mother, that you can choose your own path because of the choice not to be a mother, but sometimes people just want to exist and then leave the world. That’s it.
  
  I’ve been in childfree by choice spaces on various social media platforms, and see opinions from so many women that oftentimes this book felt like reading things I already knew about.