Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen

Exhibitionism for the Shy Reviews

• 
  Bryn

  "What I learned from this book": that I'm not really that shy.
• 
  HeavyReader

  This book offers shy folks a lot of good tips for coming out of their sexual shell.
  
  Here's what I wrote about it in my women's sexuality reading list:
  
  Carol Queen rocks! She is sex positive to a delightful extreme. In this how-to manual, she starts by telling us "How I Became Bold." She uses the rest of the chapters to tell us how we can become sexually bold too. Carols says, "The whole aim of this book is to help you identify things you'd like to try, even if the idea of doing so frightens you a little, and give you support for continuing them if you want to."
• 
  Tobi

  Halfway read. Quite interesting and informative for those who are just getting into or want to get into experimenting with their sexual practices. Includes all kinds of very practical issues like dealing with emotions, talking with partners, etc.
  
  I found it less useful for shy exhibitionists who are well read in sex-positivity, but useful as long as you know when to skip a paragraph or two.
• 
  Audra

  This book was another interesting one for me, as it is outside the realm of what I would consider my "usual" reading material. Overall I liked it, and though I had some hesitations about parts of it, I think in general it was a good book with some helpful knowledge and ideas for more fully exploring your sexuality and figuring out what in the realm of sex appeals to you. The book is not aimed at any particular gender or sexuality, and is meant to help anyone who might be feeling shy about sex.
  
  As the title might suggest, this book is meant to help you open up (even if only with yourself) about sex and what you enjoy. Written by Carol Queen, herself a (formerly shy) exhibitionist, it is very insightful about the sorts of "weird" or "kinky" or "way out there" sexual fantasies or practices that probably aren't nearly as uncommon as mainstream portrayals of sex and sexual culture would lead us to believe. Queen emphasizes that it is good and healthy to at least identify all of the things that turn you on or appeal to you sexually, and to explore them as you are comfortable with them. Sex, whether on your own or with a partner(s), should be exciting and intriguing, and should certainly not become a mundane, everyday routine (or worse, a chore). In order to keep this from happening (which it can, even with a loving partner), it is important to try new things periodically, and to be honest with yourself about what you want in your sex life.
  
  The book contains many stories and interviews with both professional sex workers and with "normal" people who provide helpful thoughts, tips and techniques for opening up and overcoming any shyness that you might feel about sex in general or your own individual sexual preferences particularly. Queen also provides some suggested exercises to help a shy reader become more comfortable with thinking about sex and fantasies, and includes appedices with lists of sex-related words as a starting place. She argues that our society does not talk nearly enough about sex, especially not the wide variety of sexual practices and preferences that actually exist, and encourages readers to try and overcome this cultural reticence. She also includes a list of paired roles for sexual fantasies, which you can read and evaluate in terms of which ones might appeal to you, or to spark further ideas of your own.
  
  Getting to the 'Exhibitionism' part of the book's title, Queen encourages you to explore this to whatever degree you are comfortable with. That might be anything from yourself alone with a mirror, on up through performing in front of other people, as Queen herself did for many years and greatly enjoyed. There is a spectrum of exhibitionism, and any point along the way can provide a broadening of your sexual experiences and enjoyment. (I also appreciated that Queen is careful to discuss and distinguish the issues of context and consent in regard to exhibitionism (or voyeurism); whether with just one other person or in front of many people, sexual exhibitionism should obviously only be engaged in when all parties present have agreed and want it to happen. She makes a clear distinction between exhibitionism in this sense, and "exhibitionism" such as exposing oneself in public to a non-consenting person or persons.)
  
  The importance of sexual compatibility with one's partner(s) is another topic that Queen covers, which I thought was good and important. Since sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship, it is important that both partners are happy with that aspect, and can be open and honest with each other about it. To help facilitate such discussions, Queen provides advice towards the end of the book for approaching a current partner about this topic and for revealing your own preferences and fantasies that might fall outside "the norm." This can be an intimidating process, even with a partner you are fairly sure will be accepting, and Queen's advice for how to go about it is helpful. Done right, this can be a very rewarding experience that can deepen your bond with a partner.
  
  The book includes a discussion of some post-modern psychological topics that I personally find strange and a little bit hard to follow. The main thing that came up in this regard is Queen's discussion of "personas," which she brings up in the context of fantasies and role-playing. She argues that a persona is a different "facet" of yourself, something more integral and permanent that just a role you might take on as part of a sexual fantasy. Queen claims that these personas can be any age or gender, not necessarily matching your own, and have distinct personalities, likes, dislikes and ways of speaking or dressing. While the place of role-playing in sexual fantasy is understandable to me, this issue about personas is really not, and so I found this part of the book less appealing. I am not in any way an expert on psychology, however, so you should evaluate this for yourself.
  
  So, overall I think that Exhibitionism for the Shy is a good book with a lot of helpful encouragement, tips and advice for keeping your sex life varied and exciting. Throughout the book, Queen encourages you to explore your own sexual preferences more thoroughly than we are usually encouraged to do, and to then put that knowledge to good use, either on your own or with a partner. Although "your mileage may vary" about any given sexual act or practice discussed in the book, I think that being aware of a broader range of options is a good thing. I also found myself in agreement with Queen that being able to talk more openly about sex and sexual preferences, especially with our partners but also more generally in our culture, would be a positive thing. So long as you keep in mind that there are many aspects of personal preference and some topics in the book that you should evaluate for yourself, I would definitely recommend this one to anyone looking to expand their sexual horizons.
• 
  Kevin

  This book is excellent. Unless you're a paragon of sexual boldness, I think you will find it incredibly helpful. Not only will the book stoke your sexual confidence, but I believe heeding its advice will actually make any woman (or possibly man) sexier. Queen defines exhibitionism as "deliberately presenting yourself in an erotic way for your own enhanced sexual arousal." And it doesn't require any degree of public exposure -- "you can be a sexual show-off even if no one ever sees you." Queen makes the point that sex is adult play. Shyness and insecurity can short-circuit that essential spirit of playfulness. And no matter how shy or sexually reserved you are, part of you is not shy. This book helps you discover that part. The point of becoming more comfortable with exhibitionism is to help you become more comfortable with who you are and perhaps who you would be if you released the essential playfulness that's coiled inside you. As Queen explains, "Exhibitionism provides the link between knowing that someone's attracted to me and really feeling desired. When a lover or potential partner responds to me when I'm being exhibitionistic, it feels like I've taken the awareness of their desire right into my body." And this has benefits beyond the act of sex -- it can help us feel "a little less hidden emotionally." It can be truly healing.
• 
  Melinda

  I really liked this book. It gave me lots of ideas on how to be less reserved and more adjectives to work with. Ms. Queen lost me around the chapter on personas but that's because personas are a little more indepth than I'm ready for right now but I will keep the book as an excellent reference source. It will help me embrace my nerve. What I liked most about this book is that I felt like it was realistic. Let your exhibitionism be based in who you are. That was terrific advise for me and it's how I'll go forward. By the way, I didn't finish reading it because some sections didn't pertain to me in the moment I'm in currently.
  
• 
  Korri

  This book is not about exhibitionism in the non-consensual clinical sense. Instead Carol Queen offers plenty of advice and tips to help the sexually timid emerge from their shells by themselves and with partners. I am not that shy, but there were some fun ideas for generating conversations and sharing ideas with a lover that I found useful.
• 
  Sheryl

  I love Carol Queen's writing so I snapped this book up, but I guess I'm really not very shy so I didn't find it personally useful.
  Still, if you are looking for a little spice, it's always nice to read Carol's no-nonsense approach to sexuality in various forms.
• 
  Nick

  There is something to be said for this book. It is a book that is for everyone. I think that I won't try most of what I read, which only made the book all the more informative. It's something to ponder.
• 
  Meadow

  I've used the list of dirty words in the appendix as a reference when writing dirty stories.
• 
  Violet

  Just kind of rambly, seems to have an outdated view of sex and sexuality, and I'm not just talking about the usual flaws of "doesn't acknowledge nonbinary people" and such that are almost unavoidable with these kinds of books that are above a certain age. I'd be interested in an "Exhibitionism for the Bold" though, I think that would be more up my alley.
• 
  Tempest B

  I read the second edition of this book, and it was amazing! I don't know how to pitch it to my friends, but I feel like they could all find benefits in reading it.
• 
  Rev. J. Arthur Rank

  Great book! It helps overcome shyness for sexual fantasies.
• 
  Mj

  It's OK, but I doubt it is going to change anyones life.