The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens by John Duffy

The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens Reviews

• 
  Kelly

  This is my first parenting book about adolescents and teenagers, and I picked a good one. The focus of the book is how to maintain a really open and loving relationship as children become teenagers. I love how he doesn't act like teenagers are these awful monsters like most people in our society. I've been using his advice already, and it has helped me get my very quiet 9 year old to tell me more about her thoughts. I will definitely be using these tools in the future. Except for one section where he only mildly criticizes punishment where I wished he were stronger, this book was completely in line with my positive discipline, non-punitive parenting beliefs.
• 
  Leigh Anne

  A refreshing, positive alternative to the glut of doom and gloom parenting manuals on the market.
  
  If you take a stroll through the parenting section of any bookstore or library, the books on raising teens sound like a collective banshee wail of anguish: teenagers are awful, but you CAN and WILL survive! Duffy, by contrast, starts with the notion that the kids are all right, just going through the necessary messy stage of individuation. If you start with the attitude that your child is wonderful just as s/he is, and that your job is to be present, patient, and positive, teenage angst can be kept to a minimum.
  
  Being available, according to Duffy, means the usual things like family dinners and not having your face in your phone all the damn time while simultaneously telling your kid they're online too much. However, availability also involves showing interest in the things that excite your teen, even if you think they're boring or stupid. Listen to their music and ask them questions about it. Read that manga they're excited about. Go to that movie you might otherwise avoid.
  
  You should also assume that your kids are fundamentally good, instead of royal fuckups just waiting to happen. Lots of parents, Duffy argues, make the teenage years worse than they have to be because they assume right off the bat that their sweet little angels are going to turn into monsters. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy when teenagers feel they aren't really being heard or respected...just projected upon. Parents should actively look for things to praise and encourage in their children, and not criticize every little thing they do. Positive reinforcement, Duffy argues, is much more effective than nagging and lecturing, which just leads to teens freezing you out.
  
  That being said, the kids don't get to run roughshod all over you. It's just that the attitude toward discipline changes. Duffy demonstrates a variety of ways to get the behaviors you want without yelling and nagging, such as imposing consequences and sticking to them (calmly and firmly), and only making rules about things that are absolute dealbreakers for you (usually health/safety issues like curfews, drinking/drugs, sex in your home, etc.) as opposed to things that honestly won't matter ten years from now (unmade beds, a C in algebra if that's the best your kid can do, etc.).
  
  Most importantly, kids should be allowed to find their own way and not be expected to live out a parent's own unfulfilled dreams. In other words, don't force them to play football because you were once All-State, or pressure them into musical theatre because you never had the chance to be on stage. Even expecting kids to get all As because you did -- or As in your former favorite subject -- is coming from a place of ego rather than genuine concern for their well-being. Kids are having a unique adventure, not re-living yours. Let them gravitate towards things THEY genuinely want to try.
  
  The "What Works" and "What Doesn't Work" sections are the meat and potatoes of this book, and readers who worry that Duffy is being a bit soft on kids will be reassured when he explains that it's possible to set firm, loving limits and enforce consequences without being an asshole. The final point, however, in which Duffy urges parents to keep working on THEMSELVES is just brilliant. After all, kids are watching you, even if they never point out what they've observed. If you're taking care of yourself and your community, and following your dreams, your kids will have good role models for how it's done.
  
  If you've got, or will soon have, teenagers, and are worried about it, I highly reccomend Duffy's manual as a reassuring alternative to the dire warnings and grim "survival" type books out there. It's largely common sense stuff, but as a quick peek at the internet can tell you, common sense is not all that common these days.
• 
  Lisa

  I really loved this parenting book. the ideas presented are applicable to most relationships that humans have with each other. there are three parts: your teenager's wild world, what never works, and what always works. I love that the author is convinced (and convincing) that raising resilient and competent children is the most important thing that any parent will ever do and that there can be joy in it. reading this book has very good and practical tools to help with parenting. I really like the idea of an emotional bank account. I also like the reminder that in parenting fear, judgment, and ego need to be checked at the door.
  
  warning- there is some use of profanity.
• 
  Gina

  I really loved this book and I already know I want to read it again! There were so many great nuggets of information and tips on how to handle your teen/tween. Duffy shifts the paradigm on how to parent for this stage in your kid’s life and it really puts things in perspective. The end result?? Your child is doing what he/she is SUPPOSED to be doing as a teenager and if you want to survive this stage, then YOU need to approach them from a different angle and see them in a different light. Everything the author suggests in this book is backed up by real-life examples and sparks “a-ha” moments over and over again!
• 
  reading is my hustle

  Loved this gem:
  
  ... "The teen years are not an end game, a final answer about character development, or a report card on your acumen as a parent. No, adolescence is a broad developmental step in the process of life, a critical period during which, through trial and error (often lots of error), character is established and developed. And each experience and misstep provides an opportunity for you to practice availability, to foster resilience, and deepen your relationship. Trust me, smooth waters rarely present such grand opportunity..."
• 
  Rayme

  As I've newly got a tween on my hands, I've been reading a lot about how to manage a positive relationship to my daughter as she transitions to adolescence. Although the title had me worried that this would be a Dr. Sears-esque book (and it might have been, I don't know what Sears has to say about tweens) I felt Duffy's advice was down-to-earth and realistic. It's about creating a relationship that is as unadversarial as possible while still remaining in zone of parental responsibility. I recommend it if you have a tween or teen in your life.
• 
  Kristen Fridley

  I liked this book a lot and think it’s very helpful for parents of teens. Since I have a really close, strong relationship with my teen, I felt like many parts of the book were really obvious and written toward an audience who has a fractured parent/child relationship. My guess is that many of the “what not to do” examples represent people who would not be reading this book in the first place (ahem, dads). Still, it’s worth the read if you have a teen and even more so if you have a kid in upper elementary so that you can have some insight ahead of time.
• 
  Jennifer

  Sound advice. Some seemed geared toward an "over-achieving" parent. Helpful also for my position working with teens and tweens in the public library.
• 
  Shari Strong

  I'm not a person who likes self-help books, but I promised someone I'd read this and so I did. It was originally written almost two decades ago, so it doesn't delve into the territory I most wanted to read about: how to take a balanced approach to parenting teenagers (not too helicopter-ey, not too hands-off) in an age so dominated by technology (and with all the effects on daily life that come with that).
  
  The advice offered isn't specific to this age, but is more general: don't come down too hard on your kids (and do make sure they know you like them and believe in them), but also make sure you're setting boundaries when they're engaged in unhealthy, unsafe behaviors. I know all this, already. What I don't know is this: how do you know when and how to set (or enforce) boundaries and when to let things go (letting kids learn from their experiences)?
  
  The author's messages felt confusing to me. At one point, he would basically say, don't let every little questionable behavior your kid engages in worry you, and at another, he'd say, don't ignore signs that intervention is needed (with his examples of behaviors from the two categories seeming pretty similar). His tone in talking about parents who made the wrong choices in his examples/case studies was dismissive, and this was a big turnoff for me.
  
  Ultimately, the book reinforced what I already knew (a balanced and ultimately kid-supportive approach to parenting is crucial), but it did little (other than recommending, in quite general terms, use of a behavior contract) to offer practical suggestions. A lot of people seem to like this book, and obviously it was recommended to me. But I personally didn't care for it.
• 
  Sally

  Overall ⭐️3/5
  
  Sage advice and a great example of the ‘ideal’ we are all striving for as parents. A little too Christian for me. The key message to calm the fuck down and enjoy each stage of parenting is one that I needed a refresher on. The importance of connecting with your kids is so easy to understand on an intellectual level but is actually very hard to achieve in practice. The concept is wonderful but as we are all imperfect humans, I do worry that books like this could serve as a punishment read and could spur on guilt spirals. I think we are all doing our best but this read certian did remind me that the behaviour I model is the behaviour I should expect. I’m glad the teenage years are far into the future for me, but I did enjoy how this book highlighted that the groundwork for available parenting in the teenage stage needs to be laid now and consistently.
  
  The idea of the emotional bank account is excellent and so relatable. We need more deposits of love to balance out the rough times and unavoidable deficits.
  
  Favourite Quotes:
  “Unconditional love is a given but trust does need to be earned.”
  
  “Fondness and admiration are the two key factors for a lasting relationship.”
• 
  Megan

  John is a family counselor and has seen enough issues come up that he has made this easy to read manual which discusses screen time, sex, things that NEVER work and the things that do work. Definitely a good read that leaves you open to new ways of thinking about your relationships with family members. John suggests one idea to use with your teen is to come up with a yearly contract which outlines your expected behaviors on curfew, drinking/drugs and nightly homework completion. Listing the consequences for each. That way you are all on the same page. Here are some of my favorite parts:
  
  “Talk to each other, often, about how you parent. You should discuss all rules, including curfew, chores, drugs and alcohol, safety, and allowable language and agree on parenting methods privately. This is critical.”
  
  “…I have found “How can I help?” to be a useful opening in relationships particularly parent-teen relationships.”
  
  “One thing I know for sure: show no fondness and admiration for your child, and she’ll have none for you.”
• 
  Celia Juliano

  This had some good points, but not enough practical advice (that I haven't read, perhaps even put more effectively, elsewhere) and Duffy seems to ignore that children and parents have differing personalities and responses to trauma that can affect them, and make some of the advice here less than effective. I'm in favor of radical optimism and his concept of available parenting, but I'm still confused about putting concepts into place when faced with issues like single parenting, children getting bullied, and various other issues. From the reviews, though, it seems many find this book quite helpful, so it may be worth a read if you're interested in the topic.
• 
  Sarah

  I think this is a good book on maintaining a relationship with your kids through the teenage years, but for whatever reason, I couldn't make myself stay interested. Likely no fault of the author, just bad timing, as I'm particularly irritable about the work of parenting right now. Feeling somewhat like a disgruntled teenager who doesn't like the rational advice she's being given.
  
  "You have to let your kids make stupid mistakes" Ugh yes I know, shut up.
  
  "Let them be the person they are, not the person you want them to be." Ugh yes I know, shut up.
  
  "Show interest in the things and people they like, even if you don't like them." Ugh yes I know, shut up.
• 
  Kristy

  This was decent— I like his basic advice which is to stop expecting the worst from your tweens and teens and just accept that they will mess up and they are supposed to mess up. Kids need a time in their lives to make mistakes and learn from them in order to become well rounded human beings.
  He reminds parents to accept kids as interesting in their own right and not just little headaches and nightmares . This sounds basic, but I do think parents can get stuck in a rut and just expect the worst sometimes ! It’s helpful to remember to step back and observe.
• 
  Billie Jo

  The writing felt like a rambling support group with lots of stories and little organization. My take away was communicate without yelling. The book also lacked summaries of any sort as well and often was hard to figure out what could have been the take away as the story didn't even appear on topic. Up side if you have a good relationship with your kid already this book will make you feel great you don't have to says 'my kid doesn't need to stop taking illegal drugs' .
• 
  Nicole

  The focus of the book is to be an available parent, to focus on connecting with your child. The information is straightforward. Most of the book consists of two sections: What doesn't work with teens, what does work with teens. It is a good reference. Some information (about cell phones) is getting to be a little dated. The information itself can still be relevant. I wonder how the author would confront social media use today.
• 
  Martha

  This is the 2nd book I have read of his. He mentions maybe 4 paragraphs on LGBTQ+ kids with parents and frames as a need to listen to chi even if they don't agree; below bare minimum. He also seems to have parents sending their kids to counseling when they would benefit from therapy themselves. This was not a great fit for me as a parent, because I already understood the importance of treating my child like a person in their own right. Oh, and I like my child.
• 
  Jackie Vanover

  This book is a mix of common sense and advice you can get anywhere. I'll assured by friends that some people do need to be told that children require parents and not adult roommates, but if you're a reasonably competent parent you won't get much from this. Three stars is for the one idea I did take away.
• 
  Kristi

  Ok, not anything fantastic. I found some helpful tidbits here and there. This recieved a lower review from me because, really, do we need to cuss and use the F word so much ( or at all) in a parenting book?
• 
  Charlotte Burt

  Back when my daughter was little his 1-2-3 method was the only thing that worked rein her in and his take on teenagers is just what I needed. It showed me where I had been going wrong with my 12 year old, I just need my husband to read it and act on the suggestions (unlikely, but I can hope).
• 
  Nathalia Goodman

  Loved this book. It has changed my relationship with my tween son in just a couple of weeks, and I suspect it has improved it for the future too. Great information and advice.
• 
  Beth O

  Good reminders and some good advice about how to connect with and love our teenagers.
• 
  Erika

  So helpful! Can’t believe i’ve reached the tweens/teens stage.
• 
  Esther Dushinsky

  Audiobook
• 
  Deborah Sloan

  
  Raising children is a difficult task and there is no generally approved handbook for the job. For most of us the task is relatively simple when they are little and we are teaching them something new every day. But when our children reach the age that they are leaving behind childhood and becoming teens it seems all theories fly out the window and both teens and parents are at a loss as to how to handle the changes taking place. Communication seems to stall between parent and teen during this time which causes friction.
  
  Depending on how things are handled,this friction can last a lifetime as in some families or it can be overcome quickly with the help of the suggestions by Dr. John Dufffy in his book The Available Parent. Dr. Duffy offers an optimistic approach to communication with teens,eliminating those silent responses,infuriating looks,and slammed doors we often see in our attempts to talk with our teens.
  
  I highly recommend picking up a copy of The Available Parent for all who are raising teens or whose children will be at that age soon enough!
  
  The Available Parent:
  
  Trade paper
  ISBN 978-1-57344-657-0
  5 1/2 x 8 1/4,252 pages
  
  $15.95 Cleis Press
  
  About the Author:
  
  JOHN DUFFY is a clinical psychologist and certified life coach with a thriving private practice in the Chicago area. Dr. Duffy works with both teens and adults and specializes in helping parents maximize satisfaction and minimize conflict in their relationships with their teenagers. In addition to clinical work,Duffy also consults with individuals,groups and corporations in a number of areas,including Emotional Intelligence,stress management,balancing work and family,conflict resolution,goal-setting and the power of thoughts in bringing about change. Dr. Duffy’s highly satisfied clients include Sears,Allstate,General Electric,Household Financial,Exxon Mobil,Accenture,Bank of America and Hewitt Associates. The Duffy family lives in Chicago,Illinois.
  
  Win It!
  http://babasfarmlife.com/2011/11/baba...
• 
  Tanya

  He wants parents to embrace that our goal as parents of teens is to foster an environment of competence and resilience. If one has a teen that does "not rebel and push back...[is] overly compliant with, or dependent upon, their parents," that is when you need to worry. In the short-term, the difficulties we deal with as parents raising teenagers is part of the process necessary for them to be successful in the long-term. And if you are a micromanaging parent, look at your own needs and determine what is not being or has not been met that leads to this behavior.
  
  "Your teenager will screw up. Your teenager needs to screw up in order to learn, to grow. Your job as a parent is to provide a safe holding environment for this screwing up and learning to take place...you just need to be unconditionally loving and available so that he can fully and safely experience the strange, messy, perfectly beautiful journey that is adolescence.".
  
  "Availability is an all-or-nothing deal." We can't be judgmental about our child's friends, peers, boyfriends, and girlfriends. Be prepared to be wrong about their friends, but do speak up lovingly and openly if you have concerns about them and the choices they have made to lead them to their current place.
  
  "We get to borrow [our children] for a time, to teach them, guide them, challenge them, learn from them, and perhaps most importantly, to love them unconditionally...our children are perfect just as they are. Here. Now. Exactly the way they are." what a powerful framework for interacting with children, no matter if they are your own or one you only have a brief encounter with.
• 
  Erica

  The strongest section of this book is "What Never Works" - 13 habits described & explained (as in "why" they don't work) in 44 pages that seem obvious in retrospect, but they'd be good to hear when your kids are only 10-12, rather than 17 & 20 (like mine are now). They are things that people do unconsciously, habitually, without realizing how undermining and ineffective they are. I will save you some time by listing them, the book gives all the details & examples:
  
  Lectures
  Vicarious Living
  Micromanaging
  Snooping
  Underestimating
  Blinders
  Judging
  Smothering
  Coddling
  Overindulgence
  Bribery
  Good Cop, Bad Cop
  Waiting
  
  The next-strongest section is "What Always Works" - divided into 7 loose conceptual groups, with many examples that give practical ideas. I got distracted by the many examples, and wanted it to be as simple as the list of "what never works" - but I think it's mostly because what does work is different for each family. (So, he shouldn't have used the word "always".) Here are the sections, each of which has examples from Mr. Duffy's therapy practice:
  
  Check Your Ego (not about you, emotional role-modeling, intuition)
  Gaining Traction (emotional bank-account, simple acknowledgment, laughter, discomfort)
  Communication & Connection (availability, ways to connect, friendship debate, shifting energy)
  Protect Time (put devices away)
  Calm, Clear Consequences (discipline, punishment, rewards, consequences, contracts, saying no)
  See the Light (fondness & admiration, supporting your teen's strengths, interests, & self-mastery)
  Be the Change (inspiration by example, consultant rather than fully available)
• 
  Maria

  While I didn't always agree with Dr. Duffy, as I am 50% "helicopter parent". Two years ago I was 100% but I am dealing with kids 6 and 8 years old. I am getting better at giving them space as they get older and prove themselves. I also micro-manage at this time, mostly conversations, helping them use good manners however I don't believe I will do this as they get older. In my mind, how will they know how to be effective listeners, use good manners and good judgment, if they are not being told how to?
  If I remove myself out of the veil of mommy to elementary aged kids, I think this is the perfect book to aid parents of tweens and teens. I love how Dr. Duffy looks at and sees things! These kids are not lying. They are saying exactly what they need from their parents and thankfully there is a book out there telling us how to interpret what they need and how we can adjust ourselves to be the best parent for our kids and especially our future relationship with them.
  
  I know exactly who needs this book and I am so happy to be able to tell her about it.